by Silla Webb
“You’re late,” I spit angrily.
“Well, it’s certainly not as if you’re going anywhere in a hurry, Josh.” As soon as she makes the remark, she regrets it. “I apologize, that was unprofessional of me, it has been a very long day. Why don’t you take a few deep breaths and tell me how you’re feeling today?”
“The emotions are all the same, Dr. Hampton. Just a different day of breathing.”
“The CO told me that your behavior has been eerily calm as of late. Is there anything troubling you specifically that you’d like to discuss?”
“Calm, huh?” I chuckle. Torment is gnawin’ at me heavily today, and I need a release. “Reflecting on my past is all. A lot has happened since I last saw you, Doc.” It’s been over two weeks since I last saw Dr. Hampton. I wasn’t permitted to attend my weekly therapy session while I was locked up in Solitary.
“Tell me, Josh. Let’s sort through it together,” Dr. Hampton encourages. I’ve carried this burden for thirteen years, never sharing with anyone. And just like that, I’m expected to share every detail of a nightmare that haunts my every waking thought? A chain of unfortunate events that shaped me into the man that I am today. When questioned by the FBI I felt judged, but with Dr. Hampton, I feel there is safety in my confessions.
“The FBI paid me a visit last week. It seems while they were conducting the investigation of Black Pike after I was arrested, a body was found in the mines. I was shocked, of course, not only that the body was there, but the cause of death. It’s dark, Doc. This is some real bad shit.”
“Did you know the deceased, Josh?”
I nod. “I did, unfortunately. Her name was Evelyn Hager. She was the bane of my existence, the creator of the monster before you.”
“Tell me about the relationship between you and Evelyn.” I stare off at nothing in particular, contemplating the words to describe the relationship between Evelyn Hager and myself. Disgust…anger…hatred. “Josh? Are you okay?” Dr. Hampton interrupts the tormented screams rushing through my thoughts.
My secrets are best buried deep, hidden out of sight. I wore my mask with confidence and lied to myself for so long about the person I once was and the monster I had become, that I fully began to believe it myself. I crave control. I prey on the weak, feeding my demons with their fear. A savage beast is what I’ve become.
Tainted.
Depraved.
Humiliated.
“Sorry, things you never want to remember but can’t seem to forget.” Pushing the guilt aside, I bare my demons for her to see. I start from the beginning, telling her how a simple summer job altered a fifteen-year-old star athlete into a withdrawn and suicidal kid. How pleasurable trysts transformed to sadistically charged fuck sessions. There is no point in giving her the graphic detail of each event–there are too many to recount–just a glimpse of the hell I suffered at the hands of the depraved and vile Evelyn Hager.
“Oh my, that all sounds very sickening,” she mutters as she records notes on her notepad.
“Evelyn didn’t make request or suggestions. She simply instructed and demanded. If her demands were not met with perfection, the brutality of her assault was pure torture. She was relentless, insatiable, and simply animalistic.”
“When did the abuse end?”
“About a year or so later, I reckon. I hated life…was ready to slit my fuckin’ throat just to escape her.”
“Did she just suddenly lose interest in you? Find new prey?”
I hang my head in my hands, remembering just like it was last night. “Drew actually witnessed the abuse accidentally and threatened to expose Evelyn if she continued to force herself on me. I thought he saved me that day, but I had no idea that my protector was my worst predator.” The anger never subsides, and I don’t think there is recovery for a betrayal as monumental as the one I’ve faced with Drew.
“Did you ever see her again after that night, Josh?”
“I didn’t want to hurt her, Doc. But she destroyed me,” I plead. My hands tremble with nerves as my mind flashes back to the night that I reclaimed the control she stripped from me, and my lip curls into a smirk at the memory.
The hunger for her fear heightened as she fought me, sharp nails scraping at my chest, shoulders, and face. I allowed my strength to take over, uncaring that her frail bones would bend and snap under the force of my weight. I wanted to smell and taste her blood, to watch as her life extinguished in my hands.
Gripping my hand roughly around her throat, I drove my dick into her unforgivingly and her eyes bulged brightly as fear and suffocation wracked through her small frame. She tried to screech out in desperation as I raped her, begging deaf ears for salvation. Prying her mouth open, I shoved my fingers to the base of her throat, cutting off her airway internally and effectively shutting her the fuck up. The harder I slammed my rigid dick into her, the harder I gripped her throat, reveling in the beautiful pink and purple tinge of her skin. Seeing the terror and pain that danced in her eyes as her muted screams drifted to silence, her bloody tears drying as her consciousness faded only compelled me to take her harder. Wet flesh slapping and bones breaking echoed around the room, a sweet melody to my ears that gripped my release with a vengeance.
Sated and breathless, I swiped the sweat from my brow and grinned in delight…but only for a fraction of a second. Her lifeless body laid limp beneath me, unmoving and battered. Blood filled her corneas and leaked from the corner of her lips as bruising began to color her flushed skin. No. No! NO! I removed myself from her and ran straight to the bathroom, relieving my stomach of its contents. She couldn’t give up without my permission! She couldn’t just close her evil eyes, letting a peaceful dream erase the nightmare I was creating for her. I wouldn’t allow it!
But she did.
What the fuck?! I gripped my head in my hands as panic set in. Screams I didn’t even know were escaping my body ricocheted off the walls. A loud bang echoed in my ears, and I felt tight hands grip my shoulders, shaking me roughly. My fight or flight instinct kicked in, and I drew my fist back, plunging it into a rigid jaw.
“Would you settle your ass down!? You got one on me, jackass, you won’t get another,” Drew yelled and swiped blood from his lip. Shaking my head to clear it, I nodded slowly, trying to control the tremors that wracked through me. “What the fuck have you done, Josh?” Drew asked calmly, looking down at Evelyn’s lifeless body in fascination.
“I told you I’d lose my restraint with her, Drew. Do you fuckin’ remember me telling you that! FUCK! What the hell am I supposed to do now?” I yell, tugging my fingers through my hair.
“Josh, get a grip on your shit! I told you, brother, I’ve got your back. Bitch got exactly what the fuck she deserved, and then some by the looks of things.” He chuckles, swiping his hand over his mouth to hide the sneer on his lips. “Nobody has to know what she did to you, or what happened to her. I’ll make sure of it. For now, I need you to go back to my house, get cleaned up, and calm your ass down.”
“And what the fuck are you gonna do with her, Drew?”
“I’m gonna bury the bitch,” Drew snickered, treating the situation as if he was disposing of the neighborhood tomcat.
“I thought I strangled her,” I mutter. “Drew and I never discussed Evelyn after that night. I didn’t want to know where he buried her. The less I knew about it, the faster I could erase the memories of Evelyn Hager and her vile corruption from my thoughts. Or so I thought. I’ve spent the last thirteen years trying to run from the demons that nip at my heels.” Silence falls across the small room, and my heart feels as if a thousand daggers have penetrated it. “He let me believe I was a murderer, but I didn’t fuckin’ shoot her. He created a monster within me for his sheer pleasure, urged me to regain the control she took from me, only to rip it from my clutch like a selfish, greedy bastard.”
This is what it feels like to lose control.
To be stripped of the essence of your very being.
To become desolate.<
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Before I realize it, my feet are heavily tracing the floor in a state of panic. I dig the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to block out the vision of her blood-stricken eyes glaring back at me. Violent screams and shouts fill the silence within my head.
“Josh…Josh! Please, calm down and talk to me.” Dr. Hampton’s fingers grasp my wrist and my feet suddenly feel like they’re cemented to the floor as a jolt of electricity shudders through me. Her touch is soft and gentle, a sensation that feeds the animal within me. It’s been too long since I’ve had the delicate touch of a woman, and the mousey doctor has no idea that she’s played herself right into the hunter’s hands. My eyes slowly trail up her slender legs and thick hips that meet a curvy waist and voluptuous breasts.
“Josh, you need to let me help you control your anger. Let’s talk about that, okay?” she asks, her voice trembling with trepidation. Her sweet, angelic face graces beautiful, soft blue eyes that hold the fear of a weak and hunted doe.
“Doc, I’m strugglin’ enough as it is, and although your attempt at calming me is appreciated,” I pause, glancing down at her soft fingers wrapped tightly around my wrist, ill thoughts immediately filling my mind, “that ain’t helping a damn bit. So please, for your own safety, don’t touch me. It wouldn’t be my intent to harm you, but I can’t make promises when I have no self-control.”
A faint, audible gasp slips from her lips as she withdraws her hand quickly, rubbing the tips of her fingers soothingly as if my touch singed her delicate skin. Casting her eyes downward she says, “I…I’m sorry, Josh. Please, take some time to gather your thoughts, and when you’re ready, let’s discuss what caused that episode.” She turns back toward her desk, her thick hips swaying seductively with every hurried step, and my restraint vanishes.
Step…step…step.
Three strides forward I stalk my prey. Digging my hands roughly into her hips I turn her quickly, pulling her against my chest. My hands rake through her silky, dark brown hair as I skim my nose against hers inhaling her sweet scent. “You said it yourself, Doc. I‘d rather express myself through actions, and I’m fuckin’ careless.” I claim her mouth without remorse, teeth gnashing hungrily against her succulent lips. Clutching her small fingers around my biceps, she leans into the kiss then trails her smooth hands up my chest. Every cell and nerve ending in my body blazes at her touch. She melts into me, releasing a raspy moan of pleasure into my mouth as her tongue tangles against mine, encouraging me further. Consumed by wanton lust, I grind my hips against hers, my hardening cock suffocating beneath the restraint of the cotton pants. Without a second thought, my hands are at the top of her silky blouse ripping at the buttons to free her heavy breast. Her head tilts back in invitation, and my lips lick along the curve of her neck and collarbone.
As if the trance of my hypnotism is broken suddenly, Dr. Hampton pushes herself out of my arms, breathless and panting for air as she tries to cover herself in modesty. She disappears into the small bathroom in the corner of her office briefly, only to return a moment later wearing a different top since I destroyed hers. She glares at me offensively as she walks around her desk wiping at her mouth. “You need to understand that will never happen again!”
I swipe the remnants of our kiss from my lips with the pad of my thumb, sucking it into my mouth to savor her taste. My lips tug up in the corners, and the sensation feels alien. “Doc, I warned you,” I chuckle, crossing my arms over my chest, “and you know I’m a dangerous man.”
“You’re my patient, Mr. Moore. That type of behavior will not be tolerated.”
“So it’s Mr. Moore now?” Her breath hitches. “You seem so angry, but your eyes betray your true emotion. I bet your pussy is aching to be touched,” I provoke. She sits down at her desk in a huff, trying to disregard my statement, but her thighs clench together tightly after she crosses her right leg over the left.
“Are you done patronizing me, now? We can either continue your session, or I can call a CO to take you back to your cell. Final warning!” Her eyes dance to mine nervously as she tries to keep her façade of professionalism in place.
I brace my hands on the edge of her desk and lean in close to her. “You wanted me to discuss how I felt. I showed you instead. My urges control ME. Regardless of the emotion–anger, angst, fear, hatred, despair… it’s all expressed through controlling others before they have the chance to control me. Give me a taste, and I’ll devour you entirely. And you, Dr. Hampton, have only picqued my hunger.”
She steels her spine and exhales a staggering breath. “What intrigues me most, Mr. Moore, is that every emotion you explained is negative. Are you truly so tormented that you have not an inch of happiness within you?”
“Oh I’ve got more than an inch, and if you call me Mr. Moore one more time, I might be inclined to bend you over your desk and fuck you into next week.” I grip my hardened cock roughly through my pants, chuckling with excitement as a pink blush creeps up her neck, splaying over her face.
“I can understand your emotion at the moment, Josh. But you need to understand there are consequences for your actions.” Rolling her eyes in disgust, Dr. Hampton picks up the phone and begins to dial a few numbers before turning away from me as she speaks, “Yes, this is Dr. Hampton. It seems my session with Mr. Moore has taken a violent turn. I need the assistance of a CO please.”
My eyes pinch together as they adjust to the bright florescent lights. My hands are cuffed and shackled to my ankles, the heavy metal clinking loudly against the concrete floor as my feet shuffle forward. The guard stops in front of Dr. Hampton’s office then swipes his keycard over the scanner. I hear a sudden inhale of breath as if she’s depleting the room of oxygen while she takes in the sight of me, and I keep my eyes zoned in on the floor, ashamed to look her in the face.
“Officer, please remove Mr. Moore’s restraints. That isn’t necessary.” She speaks with an air of authority, but I can hear the slight tremble in her voice. The guard follows her instructions and ushers me to the patient chair before he turns to leave. I sit down defiantly, crossing my arms over my chest.
“Good afternoon, Mr. Moore. How are you feeling today?” Her heels tap against the floor as she moves around the desk to her chair in the corner. I remain silent.
“Mr. Moore, I’m sure that you are upset with the punishment of Disciplinary Segregation, but I had to make you fully aware that our relationship must remain strictly professional or I can no longer treat you as a patient. I want to help you, but I need your word that you’ll keep your actions in check while in our sessions. Is that understood?”
I nod. After our last session, Doc had sent me to Solitary Confinement for two weeks. Truth be told, I’d been happier if she’d left me there to rot in my misery.
“So am I to assume that you will be remaining silent in our session today?”
“I ain’t got much shit to say, Doc.”
She stands up and closes the distance between us, the sweet scent of cherry blossoms permeating the air. “Josh, I need for you to open up to me, but the first step is being honest with yourself. You have spent as much time in Solitary as you have in GenPop. Did you intentionally provoke me at our last session so I’d send you to confinement?”
Her eyes are soft and hopeful, almost pleading for the response she knows I’ll give, although we both know it can’t be.
“You said it yourself, I suffer from antisocial disorder. I’d rather be left alone. Attacking the guard didn’t do much. Bustin’ that fucker’s face in the yard didn’t get me enough time. Figured toyin’ with you might do the trick.” I shrug carelessly.
Her soft hand gently lay upon my knee, and her face looks sad and wounded. “You are a liar.”
I flex my hands into fists, painfully diggin’ my nails into my palms as I fight the urge to caress her angelic face. “You’ve made your point clear, but I warned you that I was best with actions rather than words. Now, unless you are comfortable with my acting upon impulse for how I’m feeling,
I’d suggest you stop touching me because next time, I won’t stop at rippin’ your fuckin’ shirt off your chest.”
Her eyes widen and she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as she slowly removes her hand from my knee. She takes four cautious steps backward, her knees hitting the back of her chair and forcing her to sit. She blinks her eyes closed, pinching them together tightly as she slows her rapid breathing.
“You mentioned in our last session that two agents had come to visit you. You never elaborated on that visit, but I think as time has passed, you’ve had the opportunity to reflect on the severity of the situation. Let’s discuss that.”
“There’s not much to discuss. They want intel that will help them build a case against Drew.”
“I understand the situation, Josh. I think it would be in your best interest to comply. I know it’s difficult to see past the darkness, but you’ve made progress letting go of Savannah. You could still have a life after prison if you pay your penance. I think this is your chance.”
I’m no fuckin’ narc. Loyalty means something to me, always has. But Drew fuckin’ Varney played me like a weak ass violin, and putting my trust in him is exactly why I’m sitting here today. So fuck loyalty, fuck trust, and fuck Drew fuckin’ Varney!
“Monday, November 7th. Federal Agents Dylan Warren and Alisa Pack interrogating Josh Moore, inmate at the Hatfield County Detention Center in regards to missing person’s case H01-S765T and the investigation of Black Pike mines case H01-B832Y. Mr. Moore has consented to the recording of this interview and has agreed to comply with the nature of our investigation.” Agent Ball-Sack places the recorder in the center of the table and leans back, flicking a pen between his fingers.
Alisa leans forward and studies my face briefly. “Josh, I want you to start from the beginning and leave no leaf unturned.”