by Diana Bold
She had to tell Josh the truth. She couldn’t go on this way, constructing lie after lie after lie. Eventually, he was going to remember everything, and then she’d lose him. The thought sent a chill through her soul.
“Are you cold?” he asked softly, taking the baby and peering down at her in concern. “I can build up the fire.”
She shook her head. The room was toasty warm and lovelier than anywhere she’d ever stayed. They stood in a beautiful sitting room, with a red velvet sofa and a cheery fire. A table for two had been set with the finest crystal and china, and inviting smells drifted from the silver serving dishes. Through an archway, she could see a bedroom, complete with another fireplace and a huge bed.
“I’m going to put the baby down,” he told her. “Then we’ll eat and talk a bit, all right?”
She swallowed and then nodded, knowing he had run out of patience with her. She had to give him the answers he wanted, yet somehow keep him in her life, a task she feared might be impossible.
As he settled Carrie in a snug little nest on the sofa, she took off her coat, gloves, and hat, then nervously smoothed her hair in the mirror. She pinched a little color in her pale cheeks, wishing she were prettier, wishing she had something more to offer him than a tiny, broken-down ranch.
“Why so pensive?” he asked, coming up behind her so quietly she jumped. “You’re starting to worry me, darlin’.” He met her gaze in the mirror, his green eyes far too perceptive as pulled her back against his chest. “I feel like you’re hiding things from me, and your secrets are killing me.”
She blinked against a sudden rush of tears. “I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered. “I’m just so afraid of losing you.”
He frowned and turned her to face him. “Don’t cry. No matter what happened before, I’m here now, and I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”
“You love me?” she breathed, stunned and elated. “Are you sure?”
A rough laugh escaped him, and he shook his head as though he didn’t quite know what to make of her. “Of course, I’m sure. How could I not love you? You and Carrie are my whole world.”
“I love you, too,” she breathed, caught off guard by his unexpected declaration.
He seemed as stunned by her words of love as she’d been by his. A tentative smile curved his beautiful mouth as he cupped her face in his large, warm hands. “I love you, Susannah,” he said again. “I love you so damned much.”
Then he pressed his lips to hers, kissing her with so much passion and emotion that she forgot everything except his taste and warmth. She pressed against him, determined to let him know she had no intention of stopping him if he wanted to do more than kiss her.
All her good intentions fell by the wayside. How could she tell him the truth now, when things were going so well? She’d never expected him to profess his love, and she was determined not to do anything to ruin the fragile love blossoming between them.
Perhaps later… when his love had grown strong enough to survive the lies that had brought them together….
By the time he drew away, they were both trembling. He raked a hand through his hair, laughing softly. “Every time I kiss you, it gets harder to remember you’ve just had a baby.”
“Six weeks have passed. I think it’s been long enough,” she told him shyly. “I want to make love to you tonight. I want it very much.”
Raw heat sparked in his eyes, and he took her hand and pulled her toward the bedroom. “I’ll make it so good for you, darlin’,” he promised. “I’d planned to treat you to a romantic dinner, but I suddenly find I’m not hungry.”
She laughed breathlessly as he tossed her on to the bed. “I’m only hungry for you.”
“Mmm,” he murmured, yanking off his shirt and tumbling down on the bed beside her. “You always say exactly the right thing.” He pulled her on her side and began deftly unbuttoning the back of her dress with one hand as he kissed her deeply.
Within moments, he had the buttons undone and was sliding the bodice of her gown down her arms and pulling the whole wad of fabric over her hips. Before she even had a chance to wonder how he’d accomplished it, she was naked beneath his appreciative eyes.
Heat stung her cheeks as broke the kiss and gazed down at her. Long moments ticked past. She tried to shield herself with her hands, suddenly afraid he didn’t like what he saw.
“Please,” he murmured, his voice husky with desire as he grasped her hands and pinned them at her sides. “Just let me look at you a moment. I’ve been waiting for this for so long. As long as I can remember,” he added, with an unexpected spark of humor.
She smiled and tried to relax. Somehow, he always made her feel special, as though she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
He looked his fill for several more moments, then leaned forward and pressed a tender kiss to her lips. “You’re even lovelier than I imagined.”
“I’m glad,” she whispered. “I worried that because of the baby—“
He cut her off with another kiss. “The fact that you’ve just had my child makes you even more gorgeous.”
Another twinge of guilt pierced her heart, but he chose that moment to lightly graze her nipple with his skillful fingertips, chasing away everything but pleasure. His warm mouth trailed gently down her neck, as his questing hands learned her breasts with gentle thoroughness. Then his mouth was on her nipple, tenderly sucking, and his hands moved lower.
He parted her thighs with gentle insistence, delving between them and coaxing a damp flood of excitement, first with his fingertips, and then, to her shock, with his lips and tongue. He concentrated his tender ministrations on the aching bud that Caleb had never given a second thought. Within moments, the strangest feeling built within her.
Overwhelmed by pleasure, she thrashed beneath him, unable to remain still, unable to articulate exactly what she wanted, but knowing instinctively that he’d give it to her. He didn’t disappoint. The feeling suddenly crested within her, and she cried out as her entire body contracted in the most amazing wave of bliss she’d ever experienced.
So this was what all the fuss was about, she thought dazedly, as he hurriedly stripped off his trousers and pressed the length of his body atop hers.
He gazed tenderly into her eyes and brushed a lock of damp hair off her cheek. “Such passion,” he breathed. “I wish I could keep this look on your face forever.”
Before she could respond, he reached between them and positioned himself, rubbing the head of his cock against her slick folds several times before thrusting deep within her. She caught her breath, utterly stunned by how completely he filled her.
“Are you all right?” His body trembled as he held himself back, allowing her to grow accustomed to his size. “Am I hurting you?”
She shook her head. “No,” she breathed, though in fact there was a bit of tenderness. “You feel so good. So perfect.”
“I will never forget this moment,” he vowed, then bent to kiss her as his hips slowly rocked against hers. He kept the pace slow, pulling almost completely out before slowing driving back in. His tenderness brought tears to her eyes, and any trace of pain she’d originally felt quickly faded, replaced by nothing but ecstasy. She’d never dreamed it could be this way, that making love could be so emotionally charged, that she could enjoy the intimacy so much.
Giving in to her fantasies, she grasped his slim hips with both hands, holding on tight as his rhythm intensified. He broke the kiss and gazed into her eyes as he drove harder and faster, and that amazing feeling built within her once again.
“Come for me,” he whispered roughly, reaching between them and pressing his fingertip against the place where they were joined. “Please, darlin’, I can’t hold back much longer.”
His touch was all it took to send the pleasure spiraling out of control once more. She sobbed his name, his real name, as she came apart, but he didn’t seem to notice as he followed her over the edge. He cried out, his beautiful face taut with strain as
he spilled his seed deep within her.
Shuddering, he pulled her in close, holding her tight, his breath still harsh and ragged in her ear. “I love you, Susannah,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” she told him, tears stinging her eyes as she pressed her face against his chest. How could she tell him the truth? If he walked away now, it would kill her.
Chapter Five
The next morning, Caleb left Susannah sleeping peacefully in the big bed, Carrie tucked in the curve of her arm. For a moment, he’d stared down at them, completely humbled, filled with more love than he knew what to do with.
His emotions were so raw, his love for his little family so fresh and new, he’d felt the need to get away for a while, to compose himself before he faced her over breakfast. Foolish, he knew, to be so undone by it all, but something deep inside him still seemed adamant that he’d never had this before, never known how it felt to love and be loved in return.
Deep in thought, he headed toward the stables, to make sure all his purchases had been loaded properly in the wagon, but someone stepped in his path, forcing him to a stop. He glanced up, annoyed, only to find himself staring into a familiar face.
“How’s it going, Josh? I’d almost given up on you.”
He’d seen an avalanche once, and the sound of this man’s voice triggered one deep inside him. Things began moving, falling, sliding into place with a speed and force that took his breath away.
“Grant?” he asked tentatively.
“Of course.” The man gave him an assessing look. “Are you all right?”
Josh shook his head and sat down on a bench next to the building, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands as the memories and his hated past caught up with him in a sickening wave. He remembered it all now, the robbery, the pursuit, the whine of the bullet that had struck him, and then… falling.
“Does Clint know I’m here?” He scanned the empty street, all his instincts urging him to make a run for it.
Grant shook his head. “I came on my own. After he shot you, he sent me back to check your body while the others traced your route, looking for the money. I assured him that you were dead, then waited until it was safe to go back for you. But by then, you were gone, so I’ve been hanging around the area, waiting for you to show up.”
Josh stared at his brother, trying to make sense of it all. “Thank you,” he muttered, knowing if Clint had sent anyone else back to check on him, he would be dead.
Grant laughed a bit self-consciously. “I don’t do anything without a reason, Josh. I wanted you alive, not just because you’re my brother, but because I want my share of the money. You’re not the only one who wants out.”
The money. Christ. How could he have forgotten about the money?
“The money is safe,” he assured Grant. “I’ll take you there tomorrow.”
“Who is the girl?” Grant asked. “The one with the baby? She’s a perfect cover. If I didn’t know better, I’d be certain she’s your wife.”
“She told me she was my wife.” Josh placed his hand against his aching temple and shook his head. “She found me half dead in her field. I couldn’t remember anything, not even my own name.”
“Why would she tell you that you were her husband?”
“I don’t know,” Josh answered grimly. “But I sure as hell intend to find out.”
Betrayal and pain clashed inside him. Why, Susannah? Why? All these weeks he’d hated himself for having hurt her, when all along she was the one hurting him. Who knew how much time she’d cost him with her lies? He’d been trying to remember a life that had never existed. No wonder it had taken him so long to regain his memory.
“I have to get to Carrie,” he muttered. “Clyde will think she knows where the money is.”
“You’re right,” Grant replied grimly. “When we parted ways, that’s where he was headed. “
Josh cursed viciously beneath his breath. All he’d ever wanted was to help the girl he loved. Instead, he’d made her life an even worse hell than before.
“Give me a few minutes,“ he muttered, as he caught sight of Susannah. “I need to have a talk with my lying little wife.”
* * * * *
Susannah froze in the hotel doorway, clutching Carrie protectively to her chest when she saw Josh deep in conversation with another man. Her stomach pitched in terrified dismay as she recognized Josh’s companion from the wanted poster.
Josh turned, as though he’d felt her gaze. Her blood turned to ice when she saw the fury on his normally kind face.
He knew. He knew everything.
As he strode toward her, she fought the urge to run. She’d known this might happen. All she could do was try and hold her ground and let him know how much she loved him and needed him in her life.
“Josh,” she murmured, holding up a placating hand. “Josh, I’m so sorry.”
His eyes darkened with outrage. “Did you know my name all along?”
She shook her head, tears filling her eyes. “No. Just since yesterday. I saw a wanted poster with your face on it.”
He stopped and stared down at her in mute fury. “Are you insane? You knew who I was, what I was, and you still let last night happen?”
“I love you,” she whispered helplessly. “What happened before doesn’t matter.”
“It matters to me!” he cried. “My life before mattered to me, and you tried to take it from me!”
The stranger suddenly appeared beside her, taking her arm and pulling her forward. “You’re drawing attention,” he told Josh quietly. “You need to get out of town. The two of you can finish this conversation on the road.”
Susannah stumbled along in the stranger’s wake, blinking furiously to control her tears. She could feel Josh behind her, a dark foreboding presence. What would he do to her? She no longer had any trouble believing he was a dangerous outlaw. He seemed capable of practically anything.
“What’s the plan?” her escort asked as he steered her and Carrie toward the livery.
“We’ll take her home,” Josh answered shortly. “Then we’ll go find Carrie.”
Carrie? He obviously wasn’t talking about the baby in her arms. What a fool she’d been. When everything else had been stripped from him, the name Carrie had remained. Had she named her child after his wife or lover?
All she knew for sure was that he was about to walk out of her life forever. Was there anything she could do to make him stay?
* * * * *
The trip back to Susannah’s cabin seemed endless. Though Susannah tried several times to talk to him, Josh refused to listen, until at last she fell into a subdued silence.
Grant trailed behind them, reminding Josh of the past he’d wanted so badly to forget. Clyde had adopted half a dozen children, himself, Carrie, and Grant among them. He’d made the boys steal and the girls whore. Every cent went into Clyde’s pockets. Josh had never wanted anything other than to take Carrie and get out, but Clyde had done everything in his power to make that impossible.
Though he and Grant had been raised as brothers, Josh didn’t trust him enough to let him know how deeply he’d come to care for Susannah and the baby.
He turned the events of the past few weeks around in his mind, trying to make sense of Susannah’s actions with his new knowledge. As his temper cooled, he realized with a pang how desperate she’d been. He also had to admit she hadn’t actually told him he was her husband; she just hadn’t corrected him when he’d assumed it.
“Where is the real Caleb?” he asked, when they were within a mile of her ramshackle cabin. He couldn’t leave without knowing she was going to be all right.
“He left when he found out I was pregnant,” she told him softly. “A few months later, I received word that he’d been killed over a game of cards in Denver.”
For a moment, his anger with Susannah was eclipsed by his fury at the bastard who’d abandoned his pregnant young wife to fend for herself in this desolate place.
He wished Caleb was still alive so he could hunt him down and make him pay for what he’d done.
“I didn’t mean to lie to you,” she whispered miserably. “But when I realized you thought you were my husband, I let things get out of hand. You’re so wonderful, and I was so alone. I wanted you to stay with me. I couldn’t bear the thought of watching you ride away.”
He frowned, refusing to look at her. He understood how it had happened, could see now how carefully she’d chosen her words in the beginning. It killed him to realize all her sweetness and passion had been fueled by desperation, not love. For the first time in his life, he’d had a glimpse of what unconditional love and acceptance must feel like. He couldn’t bear to think she’d only loved the money and security he’d offered.
“You should have told me the truth.” He forced a coldness he was far from feeling into his words. “I still would have helped you. I wouldn’t have abandoned you.”
“How was I to know that?” she asked bitterly. “My own husband walked away from me without a backward glance.”
Frustrated, he reached into his pocket and pressed all but fifty dollars of his remaining cash into her small, cold hand. “Take this.”
“I don’t want your money,” she replied, tears streaming down her lovely cheeks. “I want you, Josh. I want what the two of us found in that hotel room last night. Don’t you want me? Don’t you want Carrie?”
He’d been swayed by her first few words, but the last one snapped him back to his senses. “Of course I want Carrie,” he answered harshly. “I want the Carrie who is waiting for me in New Mexico. The woman I love!”
Susannah flinched as though he’d struck her. “I don’t want your money,” she said again, letting the wadded bills fall from her hand back into his lap. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’d do anything to take it back.”
Before he could say anything else, she slid down from the wagon seat, grabbed Carrie from her little bed in the back and dashed into the cabin.
“Is she gonna be all right?” Grant asked, riding up beside him.