by M. H. Strom
“I’m serious. This isn’t just a crush, I’m in love with you. I know this is real. It’s different from anything I’ve ever felt before.”
I smiled. She made me feel so happy.
“Is there. . .” She hesitated. “Is there anything I can do to show you I’m serious?”
“Like what?”
“You know . . . anything?” She seemed to hold her breath waiting for my answer. I didn’t know what to say.
“Come on, let’s go find your friends.”
We found Matt, Lizzie and the other guy at the far end of the beach. I felt a little jealous watching Joanna chatting and laughing with her friends. I didn’t want to share her with them, I wanted all her attention on me.
Matt was flirting with Lizzie and saying suggestive things but she was totally not interested. It was fun listening to their banter. I started to relax and found myself laughing at their dumb jokes. They were good to hang with.
“You smoke, Zach?” Matt asked me.
“Nah.”
“Yeah, I don’t smoke . . . cigarettes.” He gave me a knowing look and laughed. “Ever tried mushies?”
“Matt!” Joanna gave him an evil look.
“What?” He threw his hands up all innocent.
“Why do you even do drugs?” Joanna’s attitude changed to concern for her friend. “Don’t you want to achieve something with your life? Drugs are just going to mess it up.”
“Yeah,” Lizzie joined in. “You could end up homeless and living on the streets. That’s what happened to this guy I know. He owned his own house and everything and lost it all ‘cause of his addiction.”
“I’m not addicted. It doesn’t even do anything, it’s like a little party in your brain. It’s not as bad as you think.”
I’d always thought doing drugs was dumb, but if that’s what they want to do it’s their life. I wasn’t the kind of guy to tell anyone else what they should or shouldn’t be doing. But now I found myself wanting to back Joanna—“Yeah man, drugs are like a party, and you think the guy throwing the party is your friend, but while the party’s going on at your place he’s out the back stealing everything—your intelligence, your ambition, your health, your future, everything you want in life—all gone in a puff of smoke while you’re enjoying the party. Drugs aren’t your friend, man, they’re your enemy.”
Joanna flashed me a smile.
“Hey, that’s deep,” Lizzie laughed.
Matt shook his head. “Yeah, but everything’s bad for you, everything’s a risk—what you eat, having sex. We all die in the end anyway.”
For a while no one else spoke, and the silence soon became uncomfortable. Matt just sat there like he was lost in thought or sulking or something. I felt bad for him.
“I don’t touch drugs or anything like that after what happened to my friend.” Lizzie said, her eyes fixed on the distance.
“Why, what happened?” Joanna prompted.
“She liked this guy but she wasn’t gonna do anything with him, then she got drunk and they had sex.”
“Oh no.” Joanna put a hand on her friend’s shoulder.
Lizzie shrugged it off. “Yeah, and she got pregnant. She was only fifteen and had to get an abortion.”
“This is gettin’ depressing.” The other guy got up. “I’m outta here. See ya later.”
“Hey, wait up.” Matt jumped to his feet and followed his friend, leaving just Joanna, Lizzie, and me.
“I’d hate to be in that situation but I’d never get an abortion.” Joanna stated.
“She didn’t want anyone to know about it.”
“That’s not a reason to kill your baby.”
“It was a hard decision for her,” Lizzie raised her voice. “Sometimes you have to make hard decisions like that. I think she did the right thing.”
“I wish abortion wasn’t even an option for her.”
“It’s a woman’s right to choose!” Lizzie folded her arms and glared at Joanna.
“The baby should have a right to live. There’s no right that says you shouldn’t suffer the consequences of your actions. She didn’t have to keep the baby, she could’ve given it up for adoption after it was born. The right to choose is so selfish, it’s only for the inconvenience of pregnancy.”
“Pregnancy’s a big deal ya know. And having to adopt your baby to someone else would be horrible.”
“You’d rather put the baby to death?”
“It’s not a baby yet. It’s not fully developed, it has no feelings, it’s not like you’re putting an actual person to death.”
“No, Lizzie, you don’t get it. That baby has a whole future ahead of her, and her life has already begun. If she wasn’t terminated she’d live out a life—maybe get married and have children. If you kill her, even when she’s tiny, you’re taking her whole life away and all she was meant to be and do. You’re not just killing a fetus, you’re killing a destiny.”
“It’ll never know the life it missed out on.”
“Neither would you if someone killed you right now. That’s what murder is, it’s stealing the life you were supposed to have.”
Lizzie fell silent and stared at the sand.
“What do you think, Zach?” Joanna turned to me for the first time.
“Uh, well, I’ve never really thought about it, but I guess if I was an unborn baby I’d want to live. I think we all would. I’m glad my mother didn’t abort me.”
Joanna gave me a little smile.
“I’m going. You guys can have your own little morality party if you want.” Lizzie got up and started walking away.
“Lizzie, wait.” Joanna stood up. “Why is this bothering you so much? Was it you that had the abortion?”
Lizzie turned to face her. “No, it was a friend from school, and it wasn’t her fault, she didn’t wanna get an abortion. You know, sometimes life is hard and you have to do things you don’t want to. Sometimes you even have to do things that aren’t right. You have no choice.”
“I know it can be hard to do what’s right. I’m not judging your friend. I wish I could’ve helped her.”
“But you are judging her, Joanna.” Lizzie turned and walked away. Joanna watched her go then turned to me, her lips pressed together in a sad little frown.
“Well at least we know how to get rid of your friends if we wanna be alone.” I tried to lighten the mood.
She dropped down on the sand next to me. “I’ve never talked to any of my friends like that before. I think it’s ‘cause you’re here, you give me the courage to say what I truly believe.” She sighed. “I just hope they don’t all hate me now.”
“Don’t worry, you told them the truth, that’s the important thing, right? Maybe you could be a little more tolerant of their views. That’s what Jesus was all about, right? Hanging with the sinners and loving them.”
“Yeah, but sometimes tolerance is the opposite of love. I know what you mean though, you can be intolerant just for the sake of being right.”
“I didn’t know you had such strong views about abortion. You’re amazing ya know. You’re so smart and articulate.”
She blinked and looked at me like she didn’t know what that meant.
“Well, what are we gonna do now? We’re not supposed to be alone together.”
“We can say we stayed with the group but the group didn’t stay with us?” I smiled.
“Yeah, I guess it’s okay if we stay in public view like this.”
I grinned. The nearest person was halfway down the beach.
“I finished your portrait. I wish I could show it to you.”
“Are you gonna paint me another one? I can’t pose for it now, but you could paint me something else instead?”
“Yeah, what would you like?”
“How ‘bout a self portrait of you? Not nude though.” She laughed.
I laughed too. “Okay, I’ll try.”
We sat in silence for a while. I loved just being with her. I didn’t care what we did, it was nice
just lazing in the sun together.
I sifted sand through my fingers. “So, what’s it like in Colorado?”
She smiled. “It’s beautiful, you’d love it there. It’s perfect for an artist. . .”
Am I serious about moving to Colorado, or am I just trying to give myself some hope that this isn’t gonna end when she leaves and I’m not gonna lose her?
“. . . snow, and in autumn it’s so beautiful when all the leaves change. That’s my favorite time of year.” Joanna paused. “Were you even listening to me?”
“Yeah, I was just thinking, I don’t really know how I can move there. It’s such a big thing.”
“You could come and stay with us?”
I laughed. “I don’t think your parents would like that somehow.”
“God will make a way, Zach. You’ll see.”
I smiled. “I read some of the Bible last night. The Gospel of Matthew.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I wanted to read about Jesus.”
“That makes me so happy. I’ve been praying God would help you find the truth. Now I know everything’s going to work out for us.”
“I’m not gonna become a Christian, even if it was the truth.”
“Why not?”
“I’d hate to be one of them. Ya know, most Christians don’t even live by Jesus’ teachings. They’re more like the Pharisees.”
“Christians are just people who believe in Jesus. It’s not what you do that makes you a Christian, it’s who you believe in.”
“It should be what you do as well if you really believe in it. I see them living the opposite of what Jesus taught. They think they’re Christians but they’re fake. It’s meant to be all or nothing. They’re supposed to give up everything for God.”
“But how can you judge them, Zach? Have you ever tried living by Jesus’ teachings? No one can live up to that standard. I think most Christians feel guilty about that because we know we’re not fully living like we’re supposed to.”
“From what I’ve seen, most of them aren’t even trying to live by Jesus’ teachings. They’re completely ignoring everything he said and stood for. Jesus was radical—he didn’t preach conservative values. He preached love and complete giving of your life away. His whole message is so different. It’s like radical versus conservative. They’re opposites.”
Joanna sighed. “Maybe you’re right. My dad always talks about the church needing a revival because it’s become so lukewarm and not pleasing to God.”
“A revival?”
“It’s when God wakes up his church and makes it righteous and spiritual again. You should talk to my dad about it some time. Hey, you wanna go swimming?”
“Okay.” I was glad to end this conversation.
She went to pull off her t-shirt but stopped. “Oh, I can’t. I’m not wearing my swimsuit. You wanna walk back to the tent with me?”
“Have you ever swum naked before?”
She laughed. “I’m not going skinny-dipping in the middle of the day on a public beach!”
I grinned. “What about at night?”
“Come on.”
We went back to her tent and I waited outside while she changed. While I was standing there her parents came back.
“You waiting here for Joanna?” Her father frowned.
“Yeah, she’s just getting changed.”
Joanna came out of the tent in her bikini holding a couple of towels. “Is it okay if we go swimming, Dad?”
“Where are your other friends?”
“I don’t think they wanna hang with us at the moment.”
“Well, I guess we could all go down there.” He turned to his wife. “How ‘bout a picnic on the beach?”
A picnic sounded great to me. I suddenly realized how hungry I was.
Joanna’s mother packed a picnic hamper and we set off down to the beach together. Joanna and I went for a swim while her parents spread a blanket and set out the food. I was careful not to touch Joanna while her parents were there watching us. We just splashed around and I tried to show her how to body surf.
When we got too hungry we came in and sat down with her parents. Her mom had made us some sandwiches and I quickly devoured mine. As I finished the last mouthful I noticed they were all staring at me.
“You were hungry weren’t you, Zach?” Joanna’s mother smiled, and I felt embarrassed. Joanna laughed.
“Are you coming to the talent contest tonight, Zach?” Joanna’s father asked.
“No? I didn’t even know about it.”
“We’ve been trying to persuade Joanna to enter it.”
“Daaad!”
“You should! You could sing that song you played for me. . .” I stopped in mid-sentence realizing I was giving them too much information.
“That’s too personal to sing in public. It would be like you doing a painting while everyone was watching you.”
“You paint, Zach?” Her mother asked.
“Zach is really talented. He does amazing portraits.” Joanna answered for me.
“Really? I’d love to see them.” Joanna’s mother smiled. I somehow didn’t think she’d appreciate seeing the last portrait I’d done.
“I think Joanna just managed to change the subject. What were we talking about again? Oh, that’s right, her entering the talent contest.” Joanna’s father ruffled her hair.
“Yeah, you have to enter it.” I nudged her. “You have an amazing talent that you shouldn’t hide.”
“Stop it, Zach. I don’t want to.”
“Just think of all the people who’d get to hear your song though.”
“I’d be too scared.”
“You’re the least fearful person I’ve ever met.”
“Yeah, when I’m with you.”
“I’ll be there.”
“You’d be on stage with me?”
“No, but I’ll be watching.”
“I’ll do it if you go on stage with me.”
I laughed. “What would I do? Just stand there next to you?”
“You could play your guitar.”
“I hardly know three chords.”
“That’s good enough. I’ll teach you the rest.”
“Okay then, let’s do it.”
“We need another guitar though, I don’t have mine here with me.”
“I’m sure we can borrow one from somewhere,” Joanna’s father said.
“I’ll go get my guitar and meet you back at your campsite.”
“Is it okay if we practice at the campsite, Dad?”
“Yes that’s fine. Just behave yourselves, alright?”
“We will,” we said in unison.
I took a shortcut back to the shack. I was a little nervous about playing the guitar in front of lots of people but I wanted to do this for Joanna. I was excited for her, she was so good she was going to blow everyone away.
I grabbed my guitar and went back to their campsite. Joanna was already there strumming on another guitar.
“Great, you found one.”
“Yeah, but this one’s different to the one I’m used to. My guitar is more like yours.”
“Here, you play mine and I’ll play that one.”
“I’m having second thoughts about doing this. I don’t wanna sing my song in front of all those people. Maybe I could do it if we did a different song.”
“Come on, you have to sing your song. It’ll be so great. The way you sing it is amazing. I’ll be surprised if you don’t win.”
“I’m scared though.” She pressed her lips together.
“I’ll be right there with you, probably making a complete fool of myself, but you’ll be great. You just need some courage and you’ll amaze everyone.”
She looked at the ground for a moment, then she looked up at me and smiled an insecure little smile.
“You’ll be fine. Stop worrying about it.”
“Alright.” She smiled with a little more enthusiasm. “I couldn’t do this without you.”
We practiced together all afternoon. Joanna taught me two new chords and showed me when to change chords during the song. Eventually we got it sounding okay, though I was sure it would’ve sounded better without me and all my mistakes. But I knew I wasn’t there to make the song sound better, I was there to give her confidence.
Her parents came back from the beach and I noticed they’d given us a lot of time alone together. I wondered if they were easing up on their restrictions now they knew me, or if it was just because of this talent contest. I knew they wanted her to sing in it as much as I did.
We played Joanna’s song through for them and they were full of praise saying it was just perfect.
Joanna’s mother fixed us some dinner, then Joanna went to her tent to change into something for the show. She came out in a light yellow summer dress.
“You’re wearing that? You’re gonna win just by looking so good.”
She beamed and her mom raised her eyebrows at me.
Seeing what she was wearing I realized how under-dressed I was.
“I should go change too.”
Joanna looked me over in my shorts and t-shirt. “Okay, but hurry up. It starts in half an hour.”
I jogged back to the shack and changed into some pants and a long-sleeved shirt then checked myself in the mirror. Hmm. I put on a pair of sunglasses and grinned at my reflection. Now that looks like a musician.
Taking a deep breath I headed out the door. This is gonna be interesting.
When I got back to their campsite, Joanna and her mom had already left but her father was there waiting for me. He looked me over and smiled.
“Come on, I’ll show you the way.”
He led me through the campground. “You know, Zach, you seem to be a good influence on my daughter. She wouldn’t have entered this contest without your encouragement.”
I just smiled.
“I appreciate you doing this for her. She has so much talent, I just want to see her doing what she loves without any fear holding her back. This might be just what she needs to give her that confidence boost. I hope she does well tonight.”
“Yeah, I’m sure she will.”