by M. H. Strom
“Well, we have thought about it, and we talked about when we’d be ready for that, but we both want to do what’s right and wait until the right time.”
“So you don’t think you’re ready for that right now?” Her father asked.
Joanna looked like she was holding her breath.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“I’m glad to hear that, Zach. At least one of you is showing some sense and maturity.” Joanna’s mother turned to her daughter. “When you’re your age you’re impatient to experience life and you think you’re ready for everything, but you’re not ready for this yet.”
“How are you supposed to know when you’re ready?” Joanna asked.
“That’s a good question.” Joanna’s father spoke with his usual calm deliberation. “The Bible says a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So when you’re ready to leave your parents and be able to support yourself and take on all the responsibilities of life, then you’re ready to get married.”
“Why does God give us these desires and then make us wait years for it? He’s made it so hard for us. We’re given all this responsibility for our feelings and desires but we aren’t responsible enough to get married. How are we supposed to wait so long?”
“I don’t know why God does things the way he does, but part of growing up is learning how to cope with your emotions and the intense feelings you have. It is a testing time for you, and if you learn self control you’ll gain maturity. I’m sorry I told you that sex makes you one flesh and married in God’s eyes. I think if I hadn’t told you that you wouldn’t even be thinking about marriage, you’d be content to wait until you were older.”
“We probably would’ve had sex by now if you hadn’t. . .” Joanna’s voice trailed off as her mother looked aghast.
“Is that true, Zach?” Joanna’s father looked at me.
“Uh. . .” My mind searched for the right answer. “Well . . . I think it made us wanna wait and treat it more seriously because we knew what a big commitment it was, and we might have treated it less seriously if we’d just thought it was something we weren’t supposed to do but didn’t know why or what it meant. But I think it was God that kept us from going too far—”
“Too far?” Joanna’s mother fixed her eyes on me. “How far did you go?”
I was shocked at the question. I just sat there not daring to say anything.
“How far, Joanna?” Her mother now turned her interrogating eyes on her miserable daughter. I had to say something.
“We let our passions get the better of us sometimes, but—”
“What did you do? I want to know. Did you touch her?”
Joanna’s father came to the rescue. “There’s no need to embarrass them, I think we can guess the kind of things they’ve been up to. I shouldn’t have trusted you alone together. It’s our fault as much as yours. I’m just glad you respected my daughter enough not to go any further than you did.”
“I guess this means we won’t be going on our date tonight.” I didn’t know why I said that, I guess I was trying to lighten the mood, but it sure didn’t work.
Joanna’s mother snorted. “And give you another chance to put your hands all over my daughter? I don’t think so.”
“Hey, come on. Let’s all calm down, this isn’t that bad.” Joanna’s father put a hand on his wife’s shoulder.
“How can you say it’s not that bad? Your own daughter—”
“It could have been a lot worse. And I’m sure it’s not all Zach’s fault either.”
“It’s my fault more than Zach’s. He’s the one who stopped us when things got too passionate.” Joanna defended me.
“Joanna! I’m so disappointed in you. I thought you knew better than this.” Her mother looked so hurt.
“I know, Mom, but Zach is different. It’s like we already belong to each other. It never felt wrong ‘cause I knew he was the one for me, and I love him.” Joanna burst into tears.
Her mom went to her and drew her into an embrace. She looked at me with tears in her eyes. “At least you didn’t take advantage of her, and I’m grateful for that.”
The emotional heaviness of the moment seemed to settled over all of us. Joanna’s father placed a hand on my shoulder, his other arm around his wife and sobbing daughter.
“I think we should pray.”
His wife nodded and opened one arm towards me so I could join their huddle.
“Heavenly Father, you know our hearts. I know that Zach and Joanna want to be right before you. Lord, please forgive them for any mistakes they’ve made, and help them to do what is right. Give us your wisdom in this situation, in Jesus name, amen.”
Everything was so quiet, only Joanna’s shuddering breaths breaking the stillness. I looked into Joanna’s tear streaked face and felt so much love for her. Please don’t let them keep us from seeing each other. I know we’ve been stupid but please don’t let it ruin everything.
“What happens now? Will we still be allowed to see each other?” Joanna asked in a small, quavering voice.
Her father released his grip on my shoulder. “We’re leaving on Saturday so you won’t be seeing much more of each other anyway.” He sighed. “You can still see each other but you must stay here at the campsite where we can keep an eye on you.”
Joanna looked relieved. “What about when he comes to Colorado? Will we still be allowed to date?”
Her father looked at his wife and she replied for him. “We’ll worry about that when Zach gets there.”
They’ll never let us date after this. I wish Joanna hadn’t said anything to her mom.
“Zach, I’d like to talk to you alone if I could. How ‘bout we take a drive?” Her father gave me such a serious look it made me nervous.
“Sure.” I nodded.
His car was blocked in so we took my mom’s car. Joanna watched us go with a worried look on her face. Her father sat in the passenger seat as I drove through the campground and out onto the main road. I didn’t know where he wanted me to go, and he didn’t say, so I turned onto the coastal highway that wound its way around the sea cliffs. I knew he had something to say so I waited for him to speak first. The silence grew uncomfortable, then he sighed deeply.
“How likely is it you’ll be coming to Colorado?”
“I don’t know yet, hopefully. . .”
“Well you’ve left me in a quandary, Zach. I don’t want to break the two of you up and stop you from seeing each other but I can’t trust you alone together anymore. If you do come to Colorado I’m not going to be able to let you date. I’m thinking it would be for the best if you didn’t come and you just let it end here when we leave.”
“I can’t do that, that’d break her heart.”
He sighed. “Yes, I know my daughter loves you, and I know you have some feelings for her, but I don’t know how serious—”
“I love her. I won’t stop seeing her.”
“Do you see yourself marrying Joanna in the future then?”
“Yes.” I was more certain of that than I’d ever been. “I know she’s young but I can wait.”
He nodded. “I’ve never seen Joanna like this before. She’s not usually so adamant about anything. She’s never even shown much interest in boys and now suddenly she’s head over heels in love. After your baptism she came home crying, and I admit, at first I was relieved that you’d broken up, but I’ve never seen her so upset like that. She told us she was in love with you but I didn’t take it very seriously. She’s young, and I knew she’d get over it eventually. But the next morning when I woke up I had such a strong impression from the Lord that you were important in Joanna’s life.”
Why was he telling me this? Does he want us to keep seeing each other? I decided to be completely honest with him. “I’ve never been in love before either. I never knew it could happen this fast. I never thought you could meet someone and within a few days you’d never want to let them out of
your life. It’s scary, I can’t even bear the thought of losing her. We talk about everything and I’m constantly amazed at the things she says. I’ve never enjoyed being with anyone as much as her, she’s so much fun and she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. I know she’s too good for me but she loves me, and her love is so huge, I don’t even know why. All I know is her love is real and it blows my mind that she loves me that much. I’d do anything for her. I just hope I haven’t ruined it because I know it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me apart from finding God, and even that was ‘cause of her. It’s amazing how you meet one person and your whole life changes forever.”
I glanced at him. He was nodding and he smiled. “I see you really do love her, Zach.”
“Yeah, I do. I know I’ll never meet anyone. . .” My emotions got the better of me and I got all choked up. Embarrassed, I focused my attention on the road, and he turned his face to the window and the rugged coastline below.
“I’m sorry I let you down. I know I betrayed your trust in me.”
“Yes you did, but I forgive you. I know how hard it can be.”
We drove in silence for a while. The sun was lower in the sky now, its glare coming through the windows on his side of the car.
“Zach, can I ask you a personal question?”
“Sure?”
“Are you still a virgin?”
“Yes.” I was relieved I could still say that to him.
“And you believe having sex would make you married in God eyes?”
“Yes.”
“So you understand marriage isn’t just a piece of paper that can be ripped up or divorced from. It’s not the vows between a man and a woman that can be broken. It’s a covenant of flesh made before God that joins you together as one, and what God has joined together let no man separate.”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“In Biblical times, a father would give his daughter in betrothal to a man in exchange for a bride price, and she would be considered his, but they weren’t married until the day of their wedding which was often a year or more later. On their wedding day she’d be given to him and they’d go into his bedroom and become one, then everyone would celebrate their marriage with a wedding feast. There was no religious ceremony, no priests or vows or anything, all the legalities were done already when she was betrothed to him.”
“Okay?”
“The role of the father was very important. He had authority over his daughter and he was the one who gave her away, she didn’t give herself away. Any prospective husband had to negotiate with him for her, and he was responsible for choosing the right man to give her to in marriage. I know we don’t do that anymore, the state has replaced the father’s authority and taken that role from him. But if you want to marry each other in a biblical way you can’t ignore the role of the father.”
“Okay, I didn’t know that.” So I’d have to negotiate with him for Joanna?
“I’ve been thinking about this, Zach. How would you feel about being betrothed to Joanna for a future marriage when she’s old enough?”
My mind reeled. “What would the bride price be?” I asked almost as a joke.
He gave me a serious look. “The bride price would be that you don’t do anything sexual with her until the day of your wedding.”
A thousand jumbled thoughts swam through my head until one thought surfaced—“But if we had sex we’d be married in God’s eyes?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “Reneging on your bride price would make you one flesh, but I would hope you’d want to do things properly and have me give her to you with our blessing after you’ve fulfilled the bride price I’ve set for her.”
“Yeah, of course.”
“You’d have to agree not to do anything sexual with her until we give her to you on your wedding day, and we’ll have to trust you to keep your word.”
“You’d still trust me?”
“I think this would be a good incentive to keep you from fooling around, and it’ll make it easier for both of you to know exactly what you’re waiting for and how long you have to wait. Do you think we can trust you, Zach?”
“If I make a promise like that I’ll keep it.”
He nodded. “So you think being betrothed will keep you from fooling around?”
“Yeah, I think so. We’ll help each other because we’ll both have the same goal to wait for.”
“You’ve made it hard for yourself though, Zach. You’ve had a taste of what it’s like and seen how good and exciting it is. It’ll be difficult for you to take a few steps back from all that.”
“Yeah, I know.” He’s right, it’s going to be really hard. “When will you let us get married?”
“When Joanna turns eighteen.”
“Okay . . . but . . . we’ll probably get married when she turns eighteen anyway, so it’s not like betrothal would be anything more than what it is already.”
“You’ve lost a lot of trust with us, Zach. This betrothal will lay a new foundation of trust. Without that, I don’t think we can trust you seeing our daughter anymore. Betrothal is a very serious commitment. Once the deal was done and the bride price paid the father had to give his daughter to the man at the agreed upon time. He couldn’t give her to anyone else because she was already considered his. So it’s not a small thing to agree to. When she turns eighteen we’ll ask you if you’ve kept your word and not done anything sexual with her. If you’ve kept your word we’ll give her to you as your wife, and you can marry her.”
“I can see why it’s a good thing, and I like the idea, but what I meant was, Joanna and I can legally get married at eighteen anyway, and that’s a long time to wait when you’re in love. It would be easier if we could get married before that.”
I glanced at him nervously. He was looking at me with raised eyebrows.
“Before she turns eighteen?”
“Yeah.” I couldn’t believe how bold I was being. This was a scary conversation now and I was aware I could easily overplay my hand. I glanced at him again to get his reaction. He was slowly shaking his head, and . . . was he smiling? I took a deep breath. “I can’t believe what I’m saying either, but it seems to me this is a negotiation of the bride price.”
“Yes, you’re right.” He laughed. “I understand it from your point of view, you don’t want to wait that long and it doesn’t really give you anything you can’t already have when she turns eighteen.”
“Yeah, and the longer it is the more difficult my bride price is to pay. Not saying that I won’t keep it, it just makes it harder to have to wait that long, and I think you wanna try and make this easier for us not to fail, right?”
“Right. So you think the bride price is too high in terms of how long you have to keep your promise?”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t think Joanna is worth the price?”
“It’s not about what she’s worth. If I had to pay what she’s worth I’d never be able to afford her.”
He chuckled. “This reminds me of Jacob in the Bible. He wanted to marry Rachel and he agreed to work for her father for seven years as a bride price for her. The Bible says the seven years felt like only a few days to him because of his love for her. Waiting two years would be a lot easier than waiting seven, don’t you think?”
“I don’t know, I think it’ll be hard for us to wait that long, but I’ll do what I have to do.”
“You’d want to marry her when she turns seventeen? That’s a little more than a year from now.”
“We’d be able to wait one year a lot easier than two.”
“I get your point, and I’ll think about it, but to be honest I didn’t even like the thought of her marrying at eighteen. I thought that was too young. Seventeen is very young to be getting married. Do you really think you’d be ready for marriage in a year?”
It was a good question, and I wasn’t that sure. The thought of it was exciting and it would definitely make Joanna happy.
I nodded. “I think
so. Do you think it’s fair to Joanna, though? She’d be so young.”
“I don’t know that myself, Zach. I only have one daughter and I only get one chance to get this right. I don’t think her mother will like it, but I’ll discuss it with her and we’ll see what she says. You’re definitely interested in making this kind of arrangement then?”
“Yes, I am.”
“We’ll discuss it then and pray about it.”
“If we do this, when will we be betrothed?”
“When you move to Colorado.”
“Okay.”
We fell silent again as I thought it all through. It felt like we’d just had a huge conversation of momentous importance, and somehow I felt closer to Joanna’s father now. He actually wants us to be married. The thought of being married to Joanna still seemed totally unreal. I still feel like a kid pretending to be an adult. Just think how Joanna will feel. Maybe her father is bluffing to scare us into realizing how young and unready we are for marriage. It’s a good tactic if he is, it’s kind of working.
“Sorry you didn’t get to go out on your date tonight, Zach.” Joanna’s dad interrupted my thoughts.
“That’s okay, I got to take you out instead.” We both laughed. “I think this conversation was more important for our future than a date would have been anyway.”
“Yes, it’s been a good talk.”
This seemed to signal the serious discussion had concluded so I turned the car around and headed for home.
“Will I get to have some more time with Joanna before she goes home?”
“You can come to the campsite and see her there.”
“I know, but will we get any time to be alone?”
“No, Zach.” He shook his head. “There are consequences for what you’ve done. This will probably be a very testing time for both of you anyway, a looming separation can bring out some powerful emotions. We’ll let you have enough privacy at the campsite to talk by yourselves.”
“Okay.” My voice betrayed my disappointment.
“You know, Zach, before you’re married the importance of sex is so overblown. When you get married sex becomes a normal part of your life. An enjoyable part of life, but not something you obsess over. It’s important that you be clear headed in making these decisions that’ll affect the whole of your life. It’s not just about sex, you need to think about the life you’ll be spending together.”