by M. H. Strom
I nodded and looked at Joanna again. She gave me a brave smile through her tears. I just wanted everything to stay like that, staring into each other’s eyes, but she was gone. I saw her face pressed against the window, her cheeks wet with tears as they drove away, and she was gone. I stood there for a moment as if hoping she’d come back to me, then in a daze I turned and started walking home. My vision blurred and all my emotions caught up with me. I started running, not wanting anyone to see me like that. Somehow I managed to find my way to the shack and fell on the bed. All of me ached for her and the feeling of loss was unbearable.
I took the envelope out of my pocket and carefully opened it like it was the most precious thing in the world to me. Inside was a ripped out page from her diary. I unfolded it and read.
Dear Zach,
by the time you read this I’ll probably be crying my eyes out, but I don’t care how painful our parting is, I would bear any pain to have had this time with you. I’d bear any pain to have this love for you in my heart. You are my best friend and my soul mate. You have made me so happy. I will hold onto this happiness while I wait for you to come to me. I pray that God will keep you strong and it won’t be too hard for you, and I pray that also for me. I pray God will make a way for you to come and be with me soon so we aren’t separated for too long. I need you Zach. I will be waiting for you, and even though we are separated by so many miles I will love you like you are right here with me every day. I won’t let my heart forget you. Don’t let your heart forget me. Don’t let your love for me die, keep it alive in your heart, and come to me when you can. Love with many, many hugs and kisses,
Joanna
It listed all her contact details below her name.
I slumped back on the bed. My heart ached with love for her, I missed her so much already. But she was right, I’d bear any pain to have had this time with her and to have this love for her.
I started to pray and my heart just broke open. I poured it all out to God asking him to be with her because she needed him now, and I asked God to help me too because I felt so alone and lost without her. I felt a peace come over me. I got a pen and some paper and started writing her a letter.
Dear Joanna,
I love you so much. The letter you gave me before you left was so perfect and just what I needed. I love you for writing it for me. I hope this letter will cheer you up as much as yours did for me. I am writing it quickly so I can get it out before the mail comes. I hope it will get to you by Monday. I miss you so much already and you only just left. I will think about you every day and I won’t stop thinking about you and loving you. Hopefully I’ll hear back from those colleges very soon and we won’t be separated for long. God will make a way for us, I know he will. I love you so much. We’ll be together soon and this short separation will be a distant memory that will fade in the light of our happiness together. I will be praying for you to stay strong and remain positive. Just hold on a little while longer. I will come to you soon.
With all my love,
Zach
Ten
“Zach, phone for you!” My mom yelled through the door. I jumped up full of excited anticipation. I was pretty sure who it would be.
I followed my mom to the house and picked up the phone. “Hello?”
“Zach, it’s me!” As soon as I heard her voice all my love for her washed over me like a wave.
“Joanna, I’ve missed you so much.”
“I miss you too.”
“Did you just get home?”
“Late last night.”
“I’ve been waiting to hear from you. How was the trip back?”
“I cried pretty much the whole way home, it drove my parents crazy, but I’m okay though.”
“Aww. Did you get my letter?”
“No? You sent me a letter already?”
“Yeah, I loved the letter you gave me.”
“That’s good. I can’t talk for long.”
“Do you wanna chat online?”
“We only have my dad’s computer here. He lets me use it but I’m not sure how private it would be. I’d rather just write to you.”
“Okay. How are your parents?”
“They’re glad to be home. I’m not. . .” Her voice broke and I heard a quiet sob.
“Hey, Joanna, don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry. . .” Her sobs became louder.
I didn’t know what to say. I just listened helplessly. “Joanna? Please don’t cry. Everything’s going to be okay. We’ll be together soon.”
“I’m sorry, I’m so stupid. I should go.”
“You’re not stupid, you’re wonderful and I love you.”
There were more quiet sobs. “I better go. Don’t worry about me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.” But she’d already gone. I hung up the phone and my heart ached for her.
My mom put her head around the kitchen door. “Was that Joanna?”
“Yeah.”
“How is she?”
“She was crying.”
“Ohh the poor girl. She’ll get over it eventually.”
“I don’t want her to get over it,” I snapped.
My mom’s eyes widened in surprise, and I turned and walked out.
It had been emotionally wrenching hearing Joanna crying on the phone like that. She needs me. I need to be there for her. It was so frustrating that my destiny wasn’t in my own hands. I had to wait and let events direct me. Should I just go there? But it’s up to God, I have to wait and submit to his will.
♥ ♥ ♥
Life now consisted of waiting for the mail each day hoping for a letter from Joanna or one of the colleges I’d applied to. I spent all my time waiting for something to happen, I had nothing else to do. When Joanna had been here everything was happy and exciting, I looked forward to seeing her every day. Now I had nothing, just a big hole in my life where Joanna had been. I’d been on an emotional high with her and now I was in withdrawal.
My mom was worried about me moping around all day. I didn’t care though, I just had to wait this out.
On Friday morning the mailman delivered. As soon as I saw it I knew it was from Joanna. I had to laugh—the envelope had cute little stickers and love hearts all over it. It felt thick too. I took it back to my room to open it. There were a lot of photos of her, and a letter.
Dear Zach,
I got your letter today. It came on Tuesday so you were only one day off. It made me feel happy again.
I’m sorry I cried on the phone. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that. I know it must have been hard for you. I’m fine though, really. It was just that moment hearing your voice again and missing you so much. I’m sorry I did that to you. I love you and I miss you but I am happy. I think of you all the time and I have happy thoughts of our future together. I’m not miserable, just impatient for us to be together again. Will you call me when you hear about college? I’m trusting in God for everything. He knows what’s best for us, even this time of separation. It makes our faith stronger when we learn to lean on him when we need him the most.
I haven’t been doing much since I got home. I called my friends and told them about you. I’ll probably go see them today or I’ll see them at church on Sunday. You should find a church to go to so you aren’t alone in your faith.
I have your portrait on my wall next to my bed so your face is the first thing I see when I wake up. I’m sending you some photos. I wrote on the back of each one where it was and how old I was. I’d love some photos of you if you have any you could send me.
I love you Zach. I hope you’re ok. Write me back very soon ok? Love from your girlfriend who loves you more than anyone else in the whole world.
Joanna xxx
I sighed. I was glad Joanna had her friends to keep her busy. She was right, I needed to get out and do something, I was vegetating here. Maybe I should try going to church, but I didn’t feel like meeting new people.
I looked through the photos she’d sent me. There was one of her as a cute four year old with very blond hair, and another of her as a baby being held by her much younger looking mother. There were lots of photos of her as I knew her too—a young teenager, always happy and smiling, so photogenic and beautiful.
Then I knew what I wanted to do. I needed to buy some more canvases.
♥ ♥ ♥
Dear Joanna,
I miss you so much. I went for a walk to your campsite like I used to when you were here, but no one is camping there now. I started painting again, doing some portraits of you. Your photos inspired me. My mom thinks I’m obsessed with you now, ha ha. I’m sending you some photos of me too.
I haven’t heard back from any colleges yet. Hopefully I will soon. I’ve been practicing my guitar, and even wrote a song about you, though it’s really bad and sounds depressing when I play it. I miss you and the fun we always had together. Life isn’t the same here without you, it’s so boring. I don’t want to spend time with anyone else. Life is just sad for me right now, but that’s ok, it’ll make it all the better when I get to be with you again in Colorado. I can’t wait to see you and hold you and kiss you. It’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess I am obsessed with you but I’m in love with you so why not? I love you with all my heart and I miss you with my deepest longing. I wish I was there with you already but I just have to be patient and let God work everything out. I’m praying for you, and for us, that we’ll be together soon. I wish I still had you to talk to about things. I’m going to try going to church on Sunday. I don’t really want to but I think I should. I’ve heard of one that has a lot of young people that go there, so I’ll try that.
I love that you’re my girlfriend. You are so wonderful. Your beauty is the outward packaging of the treasure that you are. I’m sorry I’m sounding soppy at the moment. I know I’m a little obsessed, but how can I not be obsessed with the most wonderful creature on earth? I adore you.
Love from your boyfriend who thinks he’s the luckiest guy on earth to even know you, and who loves you more than anyone else in the whole world.
Zach
♥ ♥ ♥
I tore open the package that had just been delivered. I knew it was from Joanna but what was it? I pulled out a box. It was a video tape. I read the marker pen writing on it, ‘A video letter to Zach with all my love, Joanna.’
I wanted to watch it right away but the only video player we had was at the house and I didn’t want to watch it with my parents around. Luckily they were both going out.
I pushed the videotape into the machine and Joanna’s face appeared.
“Hi Zach.” She beamed. “Umm . . . what should I say?” She giggled, and I heard another voice say something, then Joanna spoke again. “My friend Emma is helping me make this video. Turn it around, Em.”
The camera swiveled around to show another smiling young face.
“Hi Zach, I’ve heard so much about you. I’m Joanna’s best friend and we go to the same high school. I can’t wait to meet you. Now back to Joanna.”
The camera swung around again and refocused on Joanna.
“Zach, I thought you’d like a video letter instead of a regular letter so you can see me again and hear my voice. I got dressed up for you. Do you recognize what I’m wearing?” The camera zoomed out from her smiling face until I could see all of her, and she was wearing the same yellow dress she wore the last day I saw her. She spun around in front of the camera making her dress float up again.
“This is my room.” The camera panned around a feminine looking bedroom with light-purple walls, a lot neater than her tent had been. I saw her bed, and my painting on the wall above it.
“Show him the view from my window,” Joanna’s voice said off camera. The camera bounced towards her window and I could see her backyard looking down on it from above. The camera panned up showing a neighbor’s house, then over the rooftops the rugged peaks of the mountains in the distance.
“Wow,” I whispered to myself.
Joanna proceeded to give me a guided tour of her house, spinning around and walking backwards to talk into the camera, she giggled and chatted as she made her way down the hallway. In the kitchen she found her mom.
“Say hi to Zach, I’m making a video for him.”
“Oh, hi Zach, I hope everything is well with you.” Her mom smiled.
The tour continued around the rest of the house, then back to her bedroom again where the camera zoomed in close to Joanna’s beautiful face once more.
“I miss you, Zach. I hope this video makes you a little happier. I don’t want you to be depressed. I love you.” She leaned towards the camera and gave the lens a kiss. The image lost focus then the screen went blank.
I’d been smiling the whole time I was watching it and now my face muscles were sore. I rewound it and watched again. It was so good seeing her again. Photos are too still, they don’t show the life of a person. I loved seeing her bright, happy face, and the way she moved. I have such a beautiful girlfriend.
I felt happy for the rest of the day.
♥ ♥ ♥
Dear Joanna,
Thank you for your wonderful video. I loved seeing your smile and hearing you laugh again. You have no idea how much it meant to me. It made me happy again for the first time in weeks.
I went to church on Sunday. The message was good and the singing was ok, but hardly anyone talked to me the whole time I was there, apart from when they did this greet the person next to you thing and a couple of people shook my hand. I feel like I can kind of relate to them though. I used to see them as fake but I realize they’re just trying to work out their faith as best they can. I think your dad is right though, Christianity is meant to be more than this. It’s supposed to be powerful and spiritual. It’s not meant to be just another religion with man-made rituals and practices, it’s meant to be of God.
Your friend Emma seems nice. Tell me about your other friends.
I don’t really have much else to say because my life is so boring without you. I’m just working every day. I’m still practicing my guitar and I’m getting better at it. I might even be good at it in 2 or 3 years. I’m enjoying it though, it’s like making my own background music to my thoughts.
I love you. You are the only good thing in my life other than God. I think about you all the time. I can’t wait to be with you again. Hopefully the colleges will contact me soon.
I love you my beautiful, sweet, wonderful girl. You are in my heart.
Zach
♥ ♥ ♥
Finally I got a letter from one of the colleges. I tore it open and skimmed down—‘We regret to inform you. . .’ It was a rejection letter! I was surprised more than anything. I’d expected to get in to all of them except maybe my first choice which I knew was a really hard school to get into. Stupid college, I didn’t wanna go there anyway. I crumpled the letter in my hand.
I decided not to tell Joanna about it. Why worry her when there were still three more schools to hear from.
♥ ♥ ♥
I got two more rejection letters the following week. I was shocked that I hadn’t got in to any of them. The only one left to hear from was my first choice school, and I didn’t have much confidence in that one. I started praying for a miracle.
♥ ♥ ♥
I woke up and the now familiar feeling of anxiety returned. I hated feeling so tense all the time. I grabbed my gear and headed down to the beach.
Five foot and clean, the waves were just perfect. I saw Josh out the back as I paddled out through the break.
“Hey Josh!”
“Zach! Good to see you, man. . . picked a good day. . . some surfing. . .” The roar of the surf drowned him out.
I paddled closer but he’d caught a wave and was gone. He was right though, this was a great day for surfing. I caught wave after perfect wave all morning.
Josh paddled up beside me as I was waiting for the next set. “Be
st surf of the summer, dude. Glad you didn’t miss it. Thought you’d gone all religious on me and given up surfing.” I didn’t say anything but he didn’t wait for a response. “Surfing’s the one true religion, my friend. We live and we die by it.” And he was off again, catching another wave and leaving behind a bad taste in my mouth. I caught one last wave and rode it in to shore.
Back at the shack, I washed off my wetsuit and hung it out to dry on the back deck. I leaned against the wood railing and looked out at the ocean. The mail would be here soon. I tried to relax in the sun but I was too on edge. Please God, let me get into this one college. I’ll do anything you want. I really need this.
The mailman stopped at our box and somehow I knew today was the day. I went and fished out the single letter addressed to me. It was from the college I’d been waiting to hear from. I took a deep breath and opened it, skimming for the crucial sentence—‘The Admissions Committee has reviewed your application and we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a place in this year’s class.’
For a moment I lost all perception, everything darkened around that one sentence. I crushed the letter in my fist. I was so angry—angry at the colleges for not seeing my talent, and angry at God for setting me up like this. Why did you do this to me? I’ve lost everything I ever wanted and the one person I ever loved. Why? I just couldn’t understand it. Should I never hope for anything good ever? You’ll take away everything I want? You have to destroy me before I’m any use to you? Well you have!
♥ ♥ ♥
I sank into the deepest depression I’d ever known. I had no one to talk to. I didn’t want to write to Joanna, I didn’t know what I’d say to her. I was alone and so depressed. I still tried to hope in God and his plan for me but there was nothing there to hope for. I had no idea what I was going to do now. Everything was darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel. I felt totally lost.