by Jill Shalvis
Cade.
And damn her traitorous heart, it gave a leap of gladness.
“It’s simple once you get the hang of it,” Delia said to Jacob as she assisted him into the saddle. “You just hold on here.” She handed him the reins and smiled up into his nervous-but-trying-to-be-cool face. “How does it feel?”
He lifted a shoulder, silent and slightly sullen.
“Okay, good.” Delia said, ignoring the attitude. She’d been the queen of attitude growing up, so she figured she could deal with it, knowing it was the only way he felt comfortable communicating for now.
Ty had saddled two horses so that she could take Jacob out on a ride. He’d offered to go with them, as had Zoe, but Delia wanted to do this alone the first time.
However, she couldn’t help but wish Jacob had picked something else for his first adventure on the Triple M. She also wished he’d let go of some of his resentment.
And yet he’d wanted to come.
“Let’s go,” she said, hoisting herself into Betsy’s saddle. “We’ll stick to the trails and keep to a walk.”
“Why?”
“Because we’re both beginners.”
Disappointment filled his face. “You’re a beginner, too?”
“Well…” It’d never been easy to admit her shortcomings. How could she tell him she was really a city girl, more accustomed to lights and sirens than the musical silence of the wilderness? All her own self-doubts threatened to drown her, but she managed to shove them aside. “Yes, I’m a beginner, but together we—”
“I wanna go with someone who knows what they’re doing.”
“I’d probably want the same thing.”
Both Delia and Jacob turned at the sound of Cade’s voice, and Cade had to smile at their twin looks of irritation. Like brother, like sister, he thought, pushing away from the fence and moving closer. “How’s it going, Jacob?”
“Fine.” Jacob eyed Cade’s faded jeans, blue chambray shirt and scuffed boots. “You look like a cowboy,” he said, smiling.
“Do I?” Cade had avoided meeting Delia’s gaze, but he did so now, and felt the usual punch to his system, not because of her beauty, but because something passed between them, something he was attempting to ignore. “How about some company?” he asked her.
“Can you teach me to gallop?” Jacob asked. “Can you?”
Delia’s face was unreadable; she was good at keeping herself closed off. Too good. But he thought he knew how she felt about him coming along.
She didn’t want him.
“’Cause I want to learn to race,” Jacob said.
Oh, boy. Tommy had been five when he’d died, and that had been eight years ago, but it felt like only yesterday he’d heard that whiny tone. Cade’s long-forgotten and rusty father skills resurfaced. So did a rush of pain at his loss.
“You can’t race until you learn what you’re doing, Ace. And for starters, you’ve got to keep your feet in the stirrups.”
Jacob blushed and muttered, “I didn’t know. And anyway, she’s just a beginner too.” He tossed his head toward Delia.
Delia’s hat shielded a good part of her face, but Cade had no trouble detecting how hurt she was by Jacob’s not-too-subtle criticism.
“She’s your sister and the one who invited you here,” Cade said carefully but with an unmistakable warning. He remembered this, too, having to correct and discipline. It wasn’t his place here, and as a result, he had no trouble sensing Delia’s unhappiness at both Jacob’s tone and his own interference.
Damn, he shouldn’t have come back. Hadn’t wanted to come back.
Liar.
But there was something about these hurting, proud siblings that drew him. The urge to help them was stronger than his own urge to run. “Are you unhappy here already?” he asked Jacob.
The boy shot a quick look at Delia. “No.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“Okay, just checking. Look, Jacob, it’s good to communicate and tell people how you feel, but it’s not good to hurt people with words. Do you understand?”
Jacob stole another peek at Delia. “Yeah,” he responded.
“Because if you’d rather, we can arrange for you to fly back to Southern California.”
“Cade,” Delia said quietly.
He reached out and settled a hand at the base of her spine, his arm resting on her saddle, and felt her instinctive reaction in the tightening of her muscles. He left his hand on her, feeling his own tightening, as well. “So what’s it going to be, Jacob?”
The boy stared at the brilliant blue sky, dotted with huge puffy clouds. “Stay,” he said quietly. Then he shocked Cade by looking straight at Delia. “I want to stay. With you.”
Delia blinked, for a moment incapable of hiding her surprise. Clearly touched, she said huskily, “You can stay for as long as you want.”
Cade looked at Jacob steadily, until the boy’s shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“I know,” Delia told him. “We’re still getting used to each other, aren’t we? I won’t apologize for being a beginner, but maybe we can learn to ride together.”
He sent her a cheeky smile. “Can we learn from Cade?”
Delia met Cade’s eyes and saw a whole host of things there, things he didn’t know what to do with.
“Yes,” she answered Jacob, still looking into Cade’s eyes. “I imagine there’s a lot we can learn from Cade.”
Cade found himself staring right back, absorbing her silent gratitude, her affection.
Jacob urged his horse forward at a slow walk.
Delia hesitated, then said softly for Cade’s ears only. “You’re so good with him. As if…”
As if he knew what he was doing?
He did know, or once upon a time he’d known. “I understand kids,” was all he managed to say.
She sent him a warm sweet smile, and he was helpless to hold back his own.
Chapter 9
They took Jacob on a ride through the hills behind the ranch. The light snow from the night before hadn’t stuck, but the ground was stiff with frost. With it crunching beneath their feet and the hush of the oncoming winter, they were in their own world.
With each mile, more of Jacob’s bad attitude faded and more of the real Delia showed. Cade held himself back, afraid that being with this woman who’d become so special to him and with the boy who was rapidly becoming special would be painful.
After all, it should remind him of a life he’d had long ago, and in some ways it did.
But Delia wasn’t his wife, and Jacob wasn’t his son.
And much as he didn’t want to admit it, he felt more joy than pain.
He reined in his horse, and both Delia and Jacob came to a stop behind him. “Ready for that run now?” he asked Jacob, whose face lit up before he remembered to play it cool.
“If you want,” he said with his characteristic one-shouldered shrug.
Delia opened her mouth, and Cade was certain she was about to veto the idea. Before she could, he scooped the boy onto his horse and settled him in front. Jacob immediately stiffened away from the physical contact, but Cade just smiled. That would change, and soon. He handed Jacob’s reins to Delia, who gave him a long look.
“What are you doing?”
“He wants to gallop,” Cade said simply, as if he didn’t suddenly feel the need to run hard and fast and furious himself.
Delia’s eyes narrowed. She was on to him, no doubt. “Be careful.”
“Always. Hold on,” he whispered to Jacob, slipping an arm around his waist. Then he let the horse have its way, and they took off at a fast clip across a wide meadow.
Jacob held himself stiff for exactly one second before he gave in. He clutched the arm Cade had around him, but laughed joyously as the wind whipped icily against their faces.
“Good?” Cade shouted.
“The best,” Jacob shouted back with a wide grin. “
More!”
Cade gave it, and for a few short glorious moments horse, boy and man ran free as the wind. It felt inconceivably…right. At the end of the meadow, Cade brought the horse to a stop. Jacob straightened away from him immediately, but turned his head to look at Cade, his eyes sparkling. “I want to do that on my own horse. Can I?”
“Soon.” Cade laughed, reaching forward to ruffle the kid’s hair in a gesture that felt as natural as breathing. God, he’d forgotten how good it felt to be with a kid, how kids smelled like youth and innocence, how they laughed with abandon, how everything they felt they wore on their sleeve. “But definitely not today. Delia would skin me alive if I got you injured on your first day here.”
They both turned to look for her. She was still on her horse, leading Jacob’s, slowly making her way toward them.
“She’s still far enough away…” Jacob looked at him hopefully, making Cade laugh again.
“Not a chance. I’m not risking my stay here for another joy ride. Or my dinner. Maddie’s cooking her pot roast, and in case you’re wondering, it’s to die for.” Plus, he had no problem making out Delia’s anxious gaze as she came closer. “If I haven’t risked it already,” Cade muttered.
But as she came up to them, she smiled, mostly in response to Jacob’s grin, Cade thought. “Fun?”
“Yeah.” Jacob looked at Cade, and there was no mistaking the adoration there. “He’s going to teach me to ride like he does.”
“You’ll have to come back to do that,” Delia said, only her eyes betraying how important Jacob’s response was to her. “Think you’ll want to?”
Jacob reached down and stroked the horse’s neck. The animal gave a huff of pleasure. “Yeah. I want to come back.”
Delia slid off her horse, and from her natural grace and ease of movement, no one would have guessed how new to riding she was. Then her horse snorted and Delia leaped back, eyes wide.
No one but me, Cade silently corrected, biting back a smile.
She moved toward Cade’s horse and looked up into Jacob’s eyes. “I’m hoping someday you’ll want to come here and…well, maybe stay.”
“You mean, live here with you?”
Again, only her eyes gave away her emotion. “Yeah.”
Jacob scratched his head and looked puzzled. “I don’t know.”
Delia merely nodded. But Cade caught her hard swallow and the stricken flash in her eyes, and he nearly reached for her, but then Jacob spoke again.
“I used to not have anyone to live with,” he said, “you know, after my mom died. Now all of a sudden, everyone wants me to live with them.”
“Everyone? Like who?”
“Edna,” Jacob said. “You. And Scott.”
“Scott?” Delia repeated with more than a little surprise. “Scott wants you to live with him?”
“He said it was going to be up to the judge, but if I wanted, I could tell the judge who I wanted to live with most.” Confusion flickered in his eyes. “I thought living with Scott would be great. He’s got a puppy, and he said it could be mine.”
“But now…you’re mixed up?” Delia asked gently.
Jacob shrugged again. “A little.”
“I’d be confused, too,” Delia said. “So many choices. Why don’t you just think about it for a while, okay? No one is asking you to make any decision right now. Don’t feel rushed.”
“Okay.”
Delia smiled at Jacob, and Cade smiled at her, willing his support and affection into her hurting heart. She shocked him by returning that smile.
Jacob pointed to a large rock on the bluff overlooking the river. “Can we go fast again? Just to the rock?”
Delia nodded, and with her permission, Cade held Jacob tightly and let the wind take them.
Afterward, Maddie coaxed Jacob into the house with the promise of chocolate-chip cookies, and he didn’t hesitate.
Which left Cade and Delia alone, still on their horses, in front of the house.
“Scott wants him,” Delia repeated dully, staring off into space.
Cade knew it wasn’t all that uncommon for social workers to take in one or more foster kids themselves. He had a friend who ran the child-welfare service in Arizona, and she took in kids all the time.
“Why didn’t he tell me?” Delia asked.
“I don’t know, but it makes me wonder,” Cade said.
“Which brings me to something else I’ve been wondering about.” She turned and looked right at him. “Why did you come back?”
He sighed, wishing they didn’t have to do this. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than she’d already been hurt. “You were right about your father. He wasn’t a cop. There’s no record of him on the force.”
“You could have told me that on the telephone,” Delia responded.
Because he was well aware of that fact, and annoyed and confused about it, he ignored her words. “Also, Ethan Constance used different names. I’ve tracked down at least five of them so far.”
“But not Eddie Kitze?”
“Not yet, but that doesn’t mean anything. I’ll find him, Delia.”
Her eyes were still on his, cool and steady. “You could have told me that over the phone, too.”
“And could I have helped you with Jacob over the phone?”
At her desolate expression, he swore, shoved a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but you’re driving me insane, you know that?”
“Exactly my point in asking why you came back.”
“I didn’t intend to. I went to New York, tracking down someone on another case, and every single woman I looked at, I…I saw you. You, dammit, and I’ve got to tell you, I didn’t like it.”
She had the nerve to look amused, if slightly unsettled.
“After New York I hit Florida, for what should have been a nice cozy little break. I was lying on the beach and listening to the surf, thinking life was pretty good. I’d just closed two big cases and was getting closer to tracking your father and solving Constance’s case. Should have been a real personal triumph for me, and all I could think about was the snow, these Idaho peaks, the Triple M…and you, dammit. You. Your cool smile and hot eyes. Your laugh. The way you make me want…” Want to live again.
The thought was beginning to haunt him.
Turning his horse away, he swore again and gazed into the distance, unable to come to terms with everything he was feeling.
“Want what?” she whispered.
“I doubt you really want to know.” He drew in a deep breath. “It’s fairly involved.”
“Oh, and I can’t handle ‘involved’?”
“Not this kind of involved.”
“Well, that’s interesting coming from a man who can’t stay in one spot long enough to grow roots.”
He looked at her. “Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black?”
“I have a home.”
“Yes, a home. But you won’t share feelings and emotions, not when they run deep enough to make you hurt.”
She stared at him, then slipped off Betsy and started to lead her toward the barn. At the last moment she turned back. “I owe you a thank-you. I’ll never forget how you helped me with Jacob. How you helped me gain access to his heart.”
“That was you, Delia, not me.”
“Maybe I could have done it without you, but it would have taken longer. You have a way with him, and I’m grateful.”
“I don’t want your gratitude.”
“I can see that. So go away, Cade. Go away and stay there this time.”
“You don’t know how much I want to do just that, but I can’t.” He dismounted, as well, and moved close to her, close enough to see her chest rise and fall with her uneven breathing, close enough to see the pain in her eyes, pain he’d put there. “You asked me about my past, and I didn’t answer you.”
She shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but he knew better. “I was married,” he said quietly, moderately satisfied to see her shock
. “I had a son. They…both died.”
“Oh…oh, Cade.” Her eyes filled with sorrow.
“It was a long time ago,” he said quickly to smother her pity. “Eight years.”
“How?”
In her eyes was so much compassion and sympathy he nearly choked on it. “It was my fault.” He moistened suddenly dry lips, but there was nothing he could do about the lump in his throat. He never talked about this, never, but he would now. “I worked a lot, as an attorney. Lisa was always after me to take a vacation, but I was too busy becoming a somebody.” His mouth twisted bitterly. “God, I was so selfish back then it kills me even to think about it.” Wearily he rubbed his temples, and when he felt her hand on his back, offering a comfort he didn’t deserve, he went absolutely still.
Purposely he moved away from her hand and ignored the look of hurt on her face.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I finally agreed to get away. We went to Colorado, just the three of us, but I got called back to L.A. to testify on a case.”
“Did you go?”
“I remember how upset Lisa was at the call. She wanted me to spend more time with her and Tommy, and she reminded me I’d promised not to work. But I still left and…and I didn’t get back when I promised I would.”
“What happened?”
“She and Tommy went on a drive without me, hoping to explore a little bit. Her Jeep broke down out in the middle of nowhere, in a sudden winter storm. They froze to death.”
“Oh, God, Cade. I’m so sorry.” She lifted a clear far-too-compassionate gaze up to his. “But how is that your fault?”
How was that his fault? How could she even ask? “I wasn’t there,” he said, his self-fury nearly choking him. “And I should have been.”
“So you could have died, as well? Oh, Cade—”
“No. No, don’t say anything. Since then, I haven’t been able to…settle in one spot for long. I just…” He was horrified at how his voice cracked. “I just wanted you to know.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” she said vehemently. “You couldn’t have known what would happen.”