by Kaitlin Ward
“Are they, though?” Colleen arches an eyebrow. “Are they devastated?”
I open my mouth to say yes, but it doesn’t come out. Are they? Maybe Sherri and Meg don’t miss me at all. Maybe they’re relieved I’m gone so it can be just the two of them, the way they’ve clearly wanted all along. And my family … they love me. I know they do. They’ll be sad, they have to be sad. Unless—
“Of course her family and friends are devastated,” says Eleanor, hooking her arm in mine. “How could they not be?”
Tears prick my eyes. I shake my head to knock away Colleen’s words.
“If you would leave us, you’re a fool,” says Colleen, turning dark again. “And you’re certainly not taking anyone else with you.”
“Yes, she is,” Alice cuts in. “Eliza and I decided this together.”
“And I’ll go with her, too,” says Eleanor firmly.
“Me too.” Grayson pushes off the wall and moves to my other side.
“So a third of the colony is just going to leave?” says Maurene. She certainly never cared whether or not I was here before. We’ve barely spoken this entire time. “You can’t do this to us.”
Others begin chiming in angrily, feeding off the foundation Colleen built. Working themselves into a frenzy. They’re so loud, so furious. I can’t even understand what they’re saying. And they’re closing in on us slowly, firing up a panic inside me.
Glenn chooses that moment to stroll casually past. All smug, watching this go down exactly as he said it would.
“Anything to add, Glenn?” Colleen asks as he approaches his tent.
“I think you’ve got it covered,” he says and then disappears behind the nylon-zippered opening of his tent. It strikes me as very out of character for him to miss an opportunity to point out how right he is.
“Eliza,” Grayson says quietly right at my ear. “This was a bad idea.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “I’m seeing that now.”
Slowly, I step back, trying to pull myself out of the spotlight. Of course, there are no more shadowed areas in here, thanks to the glowite. My limbs feel weak and my stomach wants to expel everything I’ve eaten today.
“Where exactly do you think you’re going?” Colleen lunges toward me, grabbing at my arm. “I thought you were a nice girl, Eliza. I thought you were fitting in so well. But you’re poison. Odd, like Mary, but worse because Mary doesn’t try to turn our colony against itself.”
I search out Mary with my eyes. She’s frowning at the back of the crowd. I have one of those moments where I truly feel for her. To be used constantly as an example of what’s not good enough. She has made mistakes, sure, but she’s done as much for this community as anyone. She’s helped everyone understand the environment they live in; she’s told us all how to get back home; she’s come up with ideas to build better cots and to keep fires lit longer and more efficiently. But because she’s different, because she cares too much about the geology and the hunt for discovery, they all hate her. No matter what she does. She can’t win.
Just like you can’t win with Sherri, my brain whispers, like now’s the time to be thinking about that.
“You could all stand to be a little bit more like Mary,” I say coolly. “And if you don’t think I’m fitting in anymore, then kick me out.”
“Oh no, absolutely not.” Colleen’s grip tightens on my arm. It hurts, but I grit my teeth and keep my expression neutral. “You’re dangerous, Eliza. You cannot be allowed to roam these tunnels unfettered.”
“But I—”
“Into the tent,” Colleen commands, shoving me toward my tent. “The rest of us will decide what’s to be done with you.”
And much to my surprise, she doesn’t throw me into the tent alone. She shoves all four of us in there.
For a long moment, we stew in stunned silence. Eleanor beside me on my cot, Alice standing near the tent flaps, Grayson sitting on the floor.
“What do we do now?” Eleanor whispers.
“That depends on what they think they’re going to do with us,” I whisper back.
“They’ve moved away, I think,” says Alice. “Colleen pinned this shut somehow so I can’t see anything, but their voices are really faint.”
“I am so sorry,” I tell them. “I had no idea.”
Eleanor squeezes my knee and rests her head against my shoulder. “I had no idea that I wanted to leave. So that’s something.”
“Yeah.” Grayson’s brow furrows. “It’s strange. I fought so hard when I first came here. I was sure I was being trapped. The only thing I would talk about was going home and no one wanted to hear it. Lately, though, I feel myself missing home. And it … it hurts.”
“That’s how I’ve been feeling, too,” says Alice. She brushes a curl out of her face. “Ever since I read Eliza’s journal.”
“You did what?” Eleanor is scandalized.
“Don’t worry about it. We’re fine,” I say. But I do pull out the journal and hold it to my chest in case anyone gets any wild ideas. “What we need to do now is just figure out how to leave without getting them all worked up again.”
“Where are they, exactly?” Grayson asks.
“I can’t tell.” Alice pries at the tent flap again, but it won’t come open.
“Hang on.” Grayson rolls onto his stomach, edges toward the loose bottom of the tent. He peers beneath it for several seconds. “They’re in the tunnel by the river cavern. I think if we sneak around the back of the tents, we could get pretty close to our escape before they’ve got a chance at spotting us.”
“And what do we do when we get to the escape?” Alice asks. “Not to be a Debbie Downer, but it’s in the middle of the room—they’re gonna notice.”
“We’ll have to run,” says Grayson.
“We have no food,” Eleanor points out.
“Nah, but we know where to find it.” Grayson pulls out his knife. I have two beneath my bed, and I retrieve them both.
“And no light,” Alice adds.
“We have to go through the glowite cavern,” I say, and I move to help Grayson, who’s cutting a slit up the back of my tent. Once it’s long enough that we can all slip through, he puts away his knife.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Have to be.” I shrug. He places a hand on my back. I take a deep breath and slip out the back of the tent.
We’ve made it down about half the length of the cavern when Mary appears.
“Thank God you’re still here,” she whispers, glancing over her shoulder. “You’re heading down the tunnel, I assume?”
My throat goes entirely dry. I don’t know whether Mary can be trusted, but she’s seen us, so I have to hope. “Yeah.”
“Okay.” She glances back again. “You don’t have long. Here’s the situation. They know the bioluminescents are unhappy with us now, and they’re planning to use you as a solution. Keep you tied up until the bioluminescents attack us, and then use you as human shields. Eliza first, the rest of you if needed. Colleen has utterly lost it; I’ve never seen her like this.” Confusion crosses her face. “I didn’t realize—the cave is keeping us here, but Colleen is, too. She feeds into it. The isolation—it’s all—never mind, that’s not important now. What’s important is that you escape. And I’m going to help. Get to Glenn’s tent. It’s nearest the tunnel. Then wait for my distraction. They’ll all pay attention to me, and you can flee then. Okay?”
“Sounds good,” says Eleanor.
“You can’t come?” I ask wistfully.
Mary shakes her head. “Your life is above, Eliza. Mine … I guess it no longer is.”
“How’re you going to distract them?”
Mary smiles. “By telling them some truths I’ve been hiding.”
And she’s gone before I can say goodbye. Watching her retreating back tugs on something deeply sorrowful in my heart.
“All right,” says Alice. “Let’s go.”
We edge forward again, creeping toward Glenn’s tent. “Look
,” I whisper when we arrive. “My backpack.”
It’s sitting next to Glenn’s tent, off to the side, hidden from the view of the tunnel, where everyone’s currently discussing us in heated voices. Glenn stands near the back of the group. My fist closes around the strap of my bag, and I swear, as I recoil into the shadows, he meets my eye and nods.
That’s when Mary distracts them. Her voice carries all the way over here. “I befriended those bioluminescents and you all ruined it!” she screeches.
And suddenly, everyone’s swallowed by the tunnel. Following her deeper in, would be my guess. I don’t have time to think about it. “Go,” I hiss. “We have to go.”
We surge forward, ripping the hide off the entrance to the tunnel. I let the others go first; they all throw themselves down as quickly as possible. When I follow, I grab the edge of the hide in my fist and yank it back in place over my head before I start down the ladder.
And then I pause, glancing up at the blackness over my head. We’ve left the colony for good now; there’s no going back, no second-guessing. The finality of it hits like seeing that first shovel of sand thrown onto a coffin at a funeral.
This could be my funeral.
That fact is more real to me now than it ever has been.
I take a deep breath, steady myself, and descend.
We’re a somber group. All of us, probably, are letting our doubts get to us right now. I feel like there’s a target on my back. Colleen could notice our absence at any moment and lead the others after us. She wants me dead now, and that’s hard to swallow.
If Mary’s wrong about the marks leading to a way out, I’m out of options.
Our only light source is a few chunks of glowite we pry off the walls—one for each of us, and a couple backups, which I stuff into my bag. I’m surprised to find that it’s not empty.
“Glenn packed this,” I say, shocked. “My headlamp is in here, plus my first-aid kit, two empty bottles, some clothes, some food …”
I don’t have time to rummage around too deeply right now, so I just stuff the glowite and my journal inside and slip it back over my shoulders.
“So Glenn … helped us?” Grayson says with wonder in his voice.
“Apparently.”
I don’t have it in me to think about that right now, so I don’t. I push my backpack ahead of me and squeeze through the low opening out of this cavern and into the tunnel beyond. Alice and Eleanor follow quickly, Grayson last. He does his best to replace the stone that covers the opening, but it’ll be easy for anyone to find once they know we must’ve gone somewhere.
As we continue down the treacherously craggy tunnel, I think about how much I’ve changed, physically, since I got here. I’ve always been thin; it’s my natural build. But now I’m strong. This would have been work before. Now it’s nothing. My arms and stomach are starting to have definition. My lungs have stamina. I’m in great shape.
If I could figure out how to bottle up everything I’ve learned and sell it as a workout, I’d be rich.
The tunnel is jagged and unpolished. Every time it narrows, I get terrified it’ll close up. Or that Grayson won’t be able to squeeze through the craggy walls.
Several times, we have to turn our bodies sideways, but then there’s a stretch that lasts for over five, difficult minutes. To my left, Eleanor’s breathing grows more and more ragged as we continue.
“You okay?” I ask. It’s a whisper, because we don’t know what else is down here.
“Just feel like I’m being crushed. Nothing to worry about,” she responds dryly.
“Got it.” I keep going, wincing when sharp spikes of rock scrape my skin, and wincing harder when I hear Grayson, up ahead of me, let out a guttural curse word.
When the passage finally opens up, we find him crouched with a hand pressed to his shoulder blade.
“What happened?” I ask, lifting his hand to look at the slice. It’s not too long, but pretty deep.
“I’m too big, is what happened,” Grayson mutters. “Rock took a bite out of me.”
“Okay, well, I think I can patch it up. But you’re going to have to take off your shirt for a second.”
I hope it’s dark enough that no one can see me blushing. Whether he can see my embarrassment or not, Grayson grins. “You know, I get told that a lot,” he jokes as he pulls the shirt over his head.
“Of course you do.” I roll my eyes. And avert them from his torso, which, obviously, I’ve seen before when we’ve gone swimming. But I’ve never commanded to see it.
“Let me help,” says Alice. “Colleen actually taught me some stuff.”
Between the two of us, we get Grayson patched up with minimal gauze. I’m feeling pretty good about it. My first wound.
“Okay.” I stand, hands on my hips. “You can put the shirt back on now.” With a smile, I add, “Now, how often do you hear that?”
He grins sheepishly. “Unfortunately, about as often as I hear the other thing.”
We all laugh. It’s tense, because we’re doing something terrifying, but it’s also something I haven’t noticed or felt since we came down here: hope.
What feels like several hours later, we make camp in a small cavern that branches off the tunnel. It’s as safe and well protected as we’re going to get. Eleanor and I arrange our glowite in a line across the door, giving us the illusion of a barrier. Predators probably won’t feel the fear at the sight of our glowite that they would if we had a roaring fire, but that’s not really an option, so oh well.
“I’m so happy.” Eleanor settles into a corner, running her fingertip over a thin stalagmite.
“Yeah? How come?”
“Because we’re doing it. We’re leaving. I’m just—” She breaks off, swiping at her eyes. “Sorry, I just can’t even believe it. I can practically smell the outdoor air. I can’t wait to go home, and see my mom and my brother and, like, be a person again. I have so many goals for my life, so many dreams and none of them revolve around being kept like a hostage in an underground cavern. You know, I don’t even really like caves. I guess I appreciate them more now, but I’ve never even been, like, the tiniest bit interested in them. Yet here I am, living in one. I know we’ve got a long ways to go and I know things are going to get tough, but I’m so glad we’re doing this. It’s like the act of simply moving forward somehow broke whatever spell I was under.”
I smile at her. “I’m glad we’re doing this, too. And I’m glad you’re here with me.” I pause, biting my lip. “You’re my best friend, Eleanor. The best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t know, maybe that’s dorky to say. But it’s the truth.”
She squeezes my hand. “I feel the same way.” She lies out on her back, hands behind her head. “I’m going to lay like this under the sun first moment I can.”
I mimic her, staring up at the craggy ceiling. “I don’t think I remember what the sun feels like.”
She sighs contentedly. “I definitely remember. It feels like pure joy getting absorbed into your skin.”
“Pure joy,” I repeat, and close my eyes.
On our second night, Grayson and I volunteer to hunt. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Volunteering to go kill some cave insects, all confidently.
We bring my headlamp and a couple knives. And we set off cautiously to look for an enclave of insects. Without going too far. Alice actually pulls out a mom voice when she tells us this.
Unfortunately, we do find an enclave of insects, down a narrow, questionable side tunnel. But the insects are … not what either of us were expecting. They’re enormous—no surprise there—and have jaws like a soldier ant’s on fat, cricket-like bodies. I think one could saw me in half before I could blink.
“Abort mission,” I mutter to Grayson. “Now.”
We back out of the tunnel slow-quick in our movements, praying nothing heard us.
“Should we go on?” Grayson whispers, uncertain.
“I don’t know. If that’s what we’re gonna find … it seems like
the two of us shouldn’t be hunting alone.”
He nods. “I agree. Let’s go.”
We’re about halfway back to the group when my headlamp starts flickering. And then dies.
My mom would make me lick a bar of soap if she heard the word I utter when it happens.
We’re alone in this unfamiliar tunnel and it’s pitch-black. Not an ideal scenario.
“Well,” says Grayson into the darkness. “At least we weren’t in the tunnel with the insects when that happened.”
I appreciate his optimism. “Yeah … as long as nothing followed us. Or starts following us.”
His hand finds mine in the darkness. “We’ll be fine so long as we don’t get separated.”
Okay, then.
“Is this the right thing?” I don’t know what makes me blurt it out like this. If it’s the darkness making me bolder, or if it’s his fingers laced in mine or what. “I’m scared that—I’m worried we will all die and it’ll be my fault.”
He’s silent for a moment. Then: “If we all die, we won’t care if it’s your fault.”
“Grayson.” I stop walking, tightening my hand around his so he doesn’t continue on without me.
“It’s Colleen,” he says. “And this place. Getting inside your head. Leaving was right. It’s time.”
I wish I could see his expression. This darkness is so oppressive. “Good. That—well, I guess I’ve always had you on my side about this, huh?”
A low chuckle. “Yeah. And I don’t plan to quit now. You’re always … It’s funny because I know you love caves, but there’s something about you, Eliza, that feels like the sun.”
I might not be able to see him, but I can feel the heat as he turns to face me, hands slipping to my waist. It makes my whole body feel like a bonfire.
“I think you’re really pretty, you know,” he says, close to my ear.
I don’t know what to say. Don’t have the beginning of a clue how a non-awkward person would respond to that. So I don’t try to respond like a non-awkward person. I say the first thing that comes into my head. “Are you talking to me, or to the tunnel wall?”