by Willie Geist
Index*
*of the people I wish were in this book, but are not
The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific passage, please use the search feature of your e-book reader.
Albert, Kenny
Albert, Marv
Anastos, Ernie
Anderson, Cadillac
Anderson, Loni
Angel, Criss
Arthur, Bea
Asprea, T.J.
Bach, Sebastian
Balz, Dan
Ban, Ki-moon
Baroo, Billy
Beelzebub
Bentley, Dierks
Berry, Fred
Bettencourt, Nuno
Beukeboom, Jeff
Birdsong, Otis
Blab, Olaf
Blab, Uwe
Blagojevich, Patti
Bledsoe, Tempestt
Blitzer, Wolf
Blossom
Bobbitt, Lorena
Boddiker, Clarence
Bol, Manute
Bolton, Michael
Booth, John Wilkes
Boozer, Emerson
Boteach, Rabbi Shmuley
Boudreaux, Chance
Brandt, Willy
Breen, Pete
Brimley, Wilford
Broadus, Calvin
Bryant, “Jellybean”
Brzezinski, Mika
Bullock, Jim J.
Burgdorf, Louis
Burke, Delta
Burrell, Stanley Kirk
Busey, Jake
Buttafuoco, Joseph A.
Button, Dick
Cane, Jericho
Cantú, Jorge
Capell, Matthew
Carmichael, Hoagy
Carter, Shawn
Carter, Tim
Cézanne, Paul
Champion, Sam
Charo
Cherry, Neneh
Chitwood, Jimmy
Chrebet, Wayne
Clay, Andrew Dice
Cocktoasten, John
Cojocaru, Steven
Colon, Bartolo
Copernicus
Cornelius, Don
Craig, Larry
Crumpler, Carlester
D’Amato, Alfonse
Dare, Yinka
Denkinger, Don
Dietl, Bo
Dolan, Casey
Dong, Long Duck
Downey, Morton, Jr.
Drebin, Frank
Duggan, “Hacksaw” Jim
Duguay, Ron
Dukakis, Michael
Dunn, LaceDarius
Edelberg, Ann
Einstein, Albert
Eschmeyer, Evan
Eubanks, Bob
Fabio
Fatone, Joey
Felino, Gino
Ferguson, D’Brickashaw
Ferrigno, Lou
Fett, Boba
Field, Storm
Finkle, Ray
Finley, Jermichael
Fitzsimmons, Cotton
Flask, Erlenmeyer
Fogle, Adam
Foley, Mark
Forsythe, Bill
Fries, Dr. Victor
Furley, Ralph
G, Kenny
Gans, Danny
Garrett, Edna
Garrett, Leif
Garris, Kiwane
General Zod
Ghali, Boutros-Boutros
Glass, Willie
Goheen, Barry
Goldthwait, Bobcat
Gonzales, Pancho
Gozinya, Dick
Gozinya, Peter
Green, Mitch “Blood”
Greene, Lorne
Griswold, Russ
Guarini, Justin
Guillaume, Robert
Guy, Ray
Hall, Dante
Hall, Jerry
Hall, Monty
Hamlin, Harry
Hamm, Paul
Hammurabi
Harrington, Padraig
Hate Me, He
Headroom, Max
Herr, Tommy
Hochuli, Ed
Hugo, Victor
Irish Potato Famine
Ito, Lance
Jackson, Curtis
Jobs, Steve
Jokinen, Olli
Jonas, Joe
Jones, Star
Karr, John Mark
Keaton, Mallory
Kerik, Bernard
Kim, Laura
Kimble, Bo
Kimble, Dr. Richard
King, Bernard
Kingman, Dave
Kiriakis, Victor
Klump, Sherman
Kohl, Helmut
Kotiga, Adrian
Kujawa, Jens
Kuntz, Rusty
LaCock, Pete
LaLanne, Jack
Langstaff, David
LaRusso, Daniel
Lassie
Latrell, Lamar
Lawrence, Johnny
Le Pen, Jean-Marie
Licht, Chris
Light, Judith
Lipnicki, Jonathan
Lipps, Louis
Loaf, Meat
Loggins, Kenny
Lundquist, Verne
Magnum, Thomas
Maitland, Victor
Malmsteen, Yngwie
Mandarich, Tony
Martindale, Wink
Massimino, Rollie
Mathers, Jerry
MC, Young
McConkey, Phil
McDonnell, Boyd
McDonnell, Carter
McDonnell, Clayton
McGinley, Ted
Mexico, Ron
Mfume, Kweisi
Mister, Mr.
Mitchell, Stump
Monk, Art
Moody, Zatiti
Moore, Donnie
Moreno, Knowshon
Morita, Pat
Muhammad, Jihad
Mulreany, Jen
Mutombo, Dikembe
Nakatomi Plaza
North, Peter
Numminen, Teppo
Oates, Bart
O’Brien, Matt
Okerlund, “Mean Gene”
Orndorff, “Mr. Wonderful” Paul
Ostertag, Greg
Palazzo, Enrico
Paris, “Bubba”
Piaf, Édith
Pinchot, Bronson
Plato, Dana
Pole, Dick
Polk, James K.
Polynice, Olden
Pound, Dick
Powell, Boog
Prater, Atiba
Pruit, Ray
Puck
Pulliam, Keshia Knight
Putz, J. J.
Rescigno, Robbie
Reno, Janet
Reubens, Paul
Rhodes, “The American Dream” Dusty
Ribeiro, Alfonso
Rodriguez, Chi Chi
Rooney, Ed
Rosewood, Billy
Ross, Betsy
Rushdie, Salman
Sabato, Antonio, Jr.
Sajak, Pat
Samsa, Gregor
Sanchez, Ricardo
Santamaria, Mongo
Santiago, Benito
Saunders, Flip
Scale of Hardness, Mohs
Scarborough, Joe
Schiraldi, Calvin
Scurry, Moses
Sedaka, Neil
Shammgod, God
Show, Grant
Siffredi, Rocco
Silver, David
Skowronski, Lauren
Smirnoff, Yakov
Smith, James “Bonecrusher”
Spears, Jamie Lynn
Sprinkle, Annie
Stallone, Frank
Stapp, Scott
Starr, Kenneth
Starr, Ringo
Stockdale, Admiral James
Styles, Furious
Suave, Rico
The Explorer, Dora
The Panda, Ling-Ling
The Ugandan Giant, Kamala
Tiffany
Torn, Rip
Toscani, Nico
Tower, Jon
Treaty of Ghent
Trickle, Cole
Trickle, Dick
Übermensch, The
Uchitel, Rachel
Usher
Valentine, Greg “the Hammer”
Vandeweghe, Kiki
Varnado, Jarvis
Villechaize, Hervé
Vilsack, Tom
Volkoff, Nikolai
Waldorf, Duffy
Walesa, Lech
Walker, Cordell
Walker, F. M.
Wapner, The Honorable Joseph Albert
Ward, Burt
Weiner, Anthony
Wilson, Mookie
Winger, Kip
Wolff, William
Woods, Eldrick
Wynegar, Butch
Wynonna
Zane, Billy
Zappa, Moon Unit
Ziering, Ian
Zmed, Adrian
Zuniga, Daphne
Acknowledgments
I’ve always found the term Acknowledgments a little weak for a book’s thank-you list. An “acknowledgment” is quite literally the recognition that someone or something exists. It’s important to me that you know the following people exist in human form, but more importantly that I appreciate their support and guidance. In fact, let’s go with Appreciations.
First and foremost, to my wife and most trusted editor, Christina. She’s been helping me with my homework since Mr. Kaplan’s sixth-grade English class. No chapter was good enough until she laughed out loud.
To my beautiful babies, Lucie and George, for growing up in a city whose nursery school tuitions put the Ivy League to shame. I had no choice but to take a second job.
To my sister Libby, the funniest chick I know. She’s endured a lifetime of my material.
To Tom Connor, my literary agent and longtime family friend, for convincing me that writing a book while hosting a daily early-morning television show and raising two small, helpless children was a good idea. I wish he’d been more clear that you actually have to write the book after signing the deal. I’ll read the fine print more closely next time.
To Gretchen Young, the superstar editor at Hyperion, for giving me complete freedom but stepping in to save me from myself when necessary.
To Elizabeth Sabo, Ellen Archer, Elisabeth Dyssegaard, Marie Coolman, and Christine Ragasa at Hyperion. And to Will Balliett, the man who brought me in and wisely got out before I brought the entire publishing house to its knees.
To my extended family, the Lewises. Especially “The Uncles”—Herb, Mike, and Bert—whose performances around the Christmas dinner table scarred me for life. I’m so glad they did.
To my friends Joe and Mika, for sucking me into the fantastic ongoing freak show that is Morning Joe.
And finally, to Jonas Salk for finding the polio vaccine. Just one less thing I have to worry about. Nice work, man.
About the Author
Willie Geist is the host of MSNBC’s Way Too Early with Willie Geist, the cohost of Morning Joe, and a contributor to several NBC News programs. He also hosts the web show Zeitgeist on MSNBC.com. Geist lives in New York with his wife and two children.
This is not the first book written about quantum mechanics, but it just might be the last. The theory presented inside these pages is so revolutionary that it has stunned the scientific community into reconsidering centuries of thought about the behavior of energy and matter. Prepare to have your mind blown.
Sorry, that’s the introduction to Willie Geist’s next book-the culmination of his life’s work. Look for it next spring, just in time for Mother’s Day. This book is about his other passion: freaks.
When he’s not in the lab, Geist spends his time on MSNBC’s Morning Joe sifting through the wreckage of American politics and popular culture. These days, that’s a big job. With an Alaska hockey mom turning, almost overnight, into a national icon and threatening to move from Wasilla to the White House, with the world’s most famous athlete now associated less with the Masters and more with the strippers, and with reality TV working around the clock to ensure the constitutional right of every man, woman, and child to fifteen minutes of fame, Geist’s business is thriving.
In his hilarious first book, American Freak Show, Geist takes the smart, biting observation loved by his television audience to new satirical extremes. The real-life characters who now haunt our daily lives are cast as stars in completely made-up scenes that, frankly, are not all that far from reality.
Geist treats us to the first look at President Sarah Palin’s unconventional inaugural address, performed live on WWE’s Monday Night Raw after her renegade victory in the 2012 election. We go inside the ballroom for a Dean Martin-style welcome roast of Bernie Madoff upon his arrival in Hell, with Pol Pot serving as sidesplitting roastmaster. Geist provides us with never-before-seen FBI wiretap transcripts of the more mundane, but equally profane, telephone conversations of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. And George W. Bush’s batting-cage-and-waterslide-themed plans for a presidential library are laid out publicly for the first time.
From Obama to Oprah, Afghanistan to Lohan, and Snooki to the Salahis, Willie Geist spares no one as our host of this wild American Freak Show. You’ll laugh out loud while weeping for the future of America.
Copyright
Copyright © 2010 William R. Geist
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Hyperion e-books.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
ISBN 978-1-4013-2394-3
FIRST EDITION
EPub Edition © 2010 ISBN: 9781401396282
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