by P-P Hartnett
Isn’t it difficult to know what to write: too tame and one can seem boring, too “exciting” and one can seem a pervert. I’m neither by the way. A little about me now. I’m 39—young looking with blue eyes and brown hair. Reasonably handsome, 5′9″, smooth-skinned. I’m well travelled, quite well educated, have a solid job, own house, car etc. (dull, eh!).
I have a large number of interests from wine to local history, from trying to learn Dutch to fell walking. It was the fell walking which triggered my interest in your ad. I don’t go mountain biking but I know the Lake District, Pennines and Scotland very well and am out walking at least once a week. I don’t have a partner, am non-scene and definitely non-camp. I’ve plenty of holiday left this year, and I fancy taking the station wagon up to Scotland to do some walking. If we clicked, so to speak, maybe you’d like to come with me. I usually just pitch a tent—I like the open air life. I fancy a few days in Sandwood Bay, a remote sandy bay facing the Atlantic. You can see gannets diving offshore and the sea gets beautifully rough. I love to watch a stormy coast. I don’t suppose Scotland is much of an adventure but it beats London any day! (I’m guessing that’s where you’re from.) Those cycle shorts sound nice and if we did get you up to Market Bosworth I could find quite a few uses for that delicious derrière you advertise so nicely. I haven’t rode a bike for years but I daresay I could ride your bum quite well. After leaving the pub we’d go back to the campsite. Your groin would be aching with expectation. In the tent I would slowly take off your clothes under a large duvet that I use. I would gently ease your legs apart and kiss the inside of your leg as I gradually moved closer to your prick.
I suck your balls and lick your groin before taking your prick deep into my mouth. I suck your balls again and let my dribble run down to lubricate your arse which I have been delicately easing with my index finger. I lift up the duvet and put your legs onto my shoulders and move forward to put my tongue into your mouth. As I do so, my 7″ tool slips easily into your arse and I move rhythmically to and fro until I come. We cuddle up and fall asleep.
What a fantasy—what an adventure! Actually, it’s all perfectly possible. Just get yourself up here and the rest is my treat. Well Bike Boy, you horny devil, I hope to hear from you soon. Do write a frank letter and if you have a phone number let me know that too. Just the thought of my stiff prick sliding into you for the very first time is making me so excited.
Please phone—I shall be waiting.
Best wishes
Yours,
Michael
Verdict: Take a chance? My intuition told me this was a sure way to end up in a shallow grave with my head simmering nicely on the stove. No.
* * *
From Hampstead came jagged writing on a single sheet of grey. Matching envelope. Stapled top left was a black and white mug-shot.
—, —————— ——
Hampstead
0171 433 ——
Hello Stranger!
You sound great. It gives me a hard-on just thinking about those shorts, or what’s in them.
Horny devil? Welcome any time!
Best wishes,
Jack Hanley
Verdict: Without the photo Jack would have been a No. But he could have been my twin.
Tall, dark, mid to late twenties. Barbour jacket, estate-agent haircut. Serious. A Maybe.
A page torn from a school maths exercise book had been folded several times too many, like a note passed under a toilet door. It came in an envelope too large for such an item. An absolute scrawl in green felt-tip.
Saturday
0171 937 ——
Dear Bike Boy, are you serious?
I feel a little awkward replying
to a lonely hearts ad but suppose
that the mystery element is fun.
Slim / smooth / safe / smiling?
Could it be that there are
actually a few of us around?
I’m 16, about 5′8″, blue eyes,
blond(ish) … If interested
then give me a ring.
If I’m not in leave a message.
Be discreet or you’ll freak my mum!
Hope to hear from you soon.
X
Allan
Verdict: Show me a queer who’d say no to the idea of a sixteen-year-old and I’ll show you a liar. Yes. (Guardedly.)
Two signatures with the same black ink, slanting in opposite directions, caught my attention at the bottom of a crisp yellow sheet. Nicely word processed, poorly printed.
——————.
————— Lane,
Barnstaple,
North Devon
Dear NS 405,
We are replying to your advert in Boyz.
(Apologies for typing but our writing is hard enough to understand ourselves, let alone for someone else try to decipher it.)
We are Matthew and Gareth and have been together seven years and thought what with the general pressures and frustrations of London, we would fare better in Devon and have recently bought a two bedroomed house down here.
We are both interested in entertaining, videos, Country & Western music, ice-skating, computers. How about you? What are your interests, hates etc? Do you live on your own? Where?
We are both versatile when it comes to sex and both enjoy most aspects of it, except S&M and bondage.
We can easily accommodate if you fancy some country air, homemade wine and FUN. Drop us a line and send us a photo, we’d love to see you in those cycle shorts.
All the best now. Looking forward to hearing
from you.
Sincerely,
Matthew + Gareth.
Verdict: Nice letter. No.
I wasn’t expecting to receive a questionnaire. Three pages of airmail paper demanding details in a pencil so sharp at the start, blunt by the finish. It came as a shock. It certainly deserved a merit mark for effort.
—————
—————Road
London —
0181 679 ——
Your abject advert has caught the fancy of this experienced, exotic and pierced Master.
Naturally He wishes to have more intimate details about the property, so you are expected to complete and return the questionnaire at once, using the sae enclosed.
Obeying this order serves as an exercise in physical stocktaking and a mental preparation for the slave status your delicious derrière deserves.
As soon as He receives your reply, the Master will make the necessary arrangements for your first encounter. He can travel to your place or He can accommodate you in Norbury. Though very thorough in examining a slave, the Master finds all types and most combinations interesting and attractive. Attitude is most essential, though negotiated limits are respected.
Now fill this in, underlining neatly, where appropriate, then mail using the sae enclosed without delay. Use a pen! Only a Master writes to a slave in pencil as an added discourtesy.
Name:
Address:
Telephone number:
Date of birth:
Blood group:
Height:
Weight:
Build: skinny/slim/lithe/muscular/fat/or …
(Give details.)________________.
Colouring: _____eyes; ______hair; ______nipples;
_____glans; __________anal rim.
Penis length: _____ ″ flaccid;_____ ″ erect.
Penis girth:_____ ″ flaccid; _____ ″ erect.
Foreskin: cut/short/shortish/longish/long/very long/excessive.
Foreskin end: bared glans tip/nozzle/rosette/jug lip overhang.
Foreskin overhang, (if appropriate):
short/medium/long/excessive.
Length of overhang, (if appropriate):_____″.
Foreskin, (if appropriate): stays put when retracted/rolls back when retracted/retracts naturally when erect/stays hooded when erect.
Preference: naked glans or hooded glans.
Testicles: small/
medium/large/extra large.
Heft: heavy hanging/low hanging/level hanging/one ball lower than the other/tightly drawn up.
Scrotum: naturally smooth/furry wisps of hair/or_______.
Armpits: sparse hairs/thick tufts/thick & long mane/bushy.
Pit hair: downy wisps/wiry straggle/fleecy/silky skeins.
Nipples: large aureoles/miniscule/medium/or ______________.
Teats: inverted/upstanding/big bosses/or ______________.
Torso: naturally smooth/hairy/shaved/waxed/or ______________.
Limbs: naturally smooth/fine hairs/hairy/shaved/waxed/or ______________.
Buns: full/meaty/meagre/tight/loose/or ______________.
Crack: naturally smooth/sparse hairs/hairy/or ______________.
Pubes: small patch/large pelt/extending from navel/or ______________.
Pubic hair type: cropped down/downy wisps/thick fleece/wiry bush/wild tangles/silky/or ______________.
List your top six specialities, (services unto a Master):
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
List limitations, (use other side if necessary):
Desire takes many forms: nudity/restraints/blindfolds/boots/CP/Yellow/verbal abuse/humiliation/toys/leather/shaving … List your desires below, (use other side if necessary):
____________________
____________________
____________________
____________________
____________________
____________________
____________________ (P.T.O.)
Days available:
Times available:
Travel by private or public transport:
So, you horny devil, fill this out honestly and I’ll make sure you’ll smile. A slave offering his delicious derrière knows only the minimum about his future master. This uncertainty adds to his predicament, intensifies his bondage. The Master, on the other hand, expects to know about every private part and have the most intimate questions answered.
You should enclose photos (if possible) and quote your box number.
Much will be demanded of you at the first encounter.
Prepare to meet a dominant & exotically pierced Master.
If you fancy a chat about any of this then give me a call.
Eamon
Verdict: No. No way.
Inside the small plain white envelope there was one hell of an A4. Even before taking it out into the air of my flat, I sensed something nasty coming my way. Much of the large, forcefully written page was smudged.
—, —— Street,
London SW4.
Hello there young friend,
very interested with your “different type” advert But I doubt very much as to whether you will want to reply or meet up with me due to my oldish age Still for the sake of £1.50 and a stamp—I’ll take a chance
At time of writing I am 49yrs and 11 days old so to you at 22 that’s far too old. But can definitely assure you I’m not yet past it —Neither am I some aging camp queen like a lot of this age I’m very Masculine—straight looks and Ways
Also, 6′—slim—11 stone—active—NON Good Looking At this age what can you expect? I am very genuine + sincere unlike a great majority today—Most cant even spell the words—I’m very Experienced—so not a 5 min time waster
Varied Interests—one of these being Shorts—Especially your style (Skin Tight) That helps show off a guy at his best + hottest—more so if he’s got plenty to display (Front + Rear) inside them—But keen on all styles of hot shorts—Looking forward to the summer, hope! To see them all on show again in the parks etc etc
I’ll keep this brief as I said earlier Doubt very much if you will have any further interest in me—I’m fairly certain you will be getting a big response with other younger replies But if you should want to make contact then lets know all about you—and if you do have a pix in your gear Like to see it—Will be returned, promise. Cheers for now.
John Pumphrey
PS Please do not just turn up at my door.
Verdict: Obvious.
Three small thin sheets of light blue paper, cheap as you can get. Sloppy, soppy twelve-year-old girl’s writing in blue felt tip with some words scribbled out here and there.
—, —— House,
Deptford.
0181 692 ——
Hi,
I have just seen your add in Boyz. I am 21 dark brown hair and eyes 5′9″ in hight 40″ chest 32″ W like bikes but have NOt got a good one. I like XXXXX wight training runing BOXing SWiMMing cars clubs pubs and More do you like cars?
Sorry I can Not send you my PHoto this time because I have just getting to modlling and my XXXXXX agenky has my Photos. I can NOt tell you that I can LOVE you we have to see one anthere I am looking for the Man of My dreams it’s not Manly to say so I no.
Peple saye that I Love My Self but I do Not I am just Careful I do not slep around NO way I have Lots of friend good friends but not Speshell to be with one to one and mine.
When I go out clubbing peple Chat Me up all the time but I NO they only Whents one Night Stands If you XXXX like what I have written write back.
From a friend
Costas
PS Can you send me a Photo before meeting if you have one?
PPS I wear glasses…… Italian designer frames!
Verdict: Maybe. Maybe once allocated a statement of Special Educational Needs. A phone call wouldn’t hurt.
The first candidate to submit on headed notepaper. Smart, very crisp. Expensive. The signature, in blue italics, contrasted with the formal and very faint type. There was a very strong public school stink to it all. Stamped addressed envelope enclosed, first class.
—, ———— Road,
South Kensington.
Tel: 0171 838 ——
Dear Delicious,
I’m a young City professional and regarded by some as good looking. Being trussed up in three piece pinstripe suits five days of the week, your ad really turned me on!
Phone/write and we will get together.
Good luck,
Colin.
PS Please excuse the typed letter, I don’t mean to be insincere.
Verdict: Sorry Colin, uh uh.
A postcard. A three-colour computer graphic produced by someone in Stockholm. One of the give-away kind found in so many of the bars. Stylish capitals, slanting to the right, looked sane.
To the owner of the delicious derrière …
Darling … We must meet! You sound interesting. I never find writing letters, or cards, convincing. Please phone me instead.
I can be reached on 0181 691 ——. (Brockley).
I’m considered attractive by some, interesting by others etc. I’d prefer to spend an afternoon chatting + perhaps drawing. I shall entertain you with food + wine + we can decide if we want to know each other. What do you say?
Best wishes
Charles
Verdict: Drawing? This meant going to the man’s home. Perhaps he’d ply me with drink, suffocate me while sleeping, dismember me in some sort of ritual to be finished with as quickly as possible once he’d had his way with my corpse, flushing my flesh down the toilet and into the sewers in sushi-style six-inch strips.
Yes, yes please.
Lurking inside a light green envelope, a black and white picture documenting a goofy, failed physique model in white ankle socks, Y-fronts, string vest and all-American style baseball jacket. Camp: James Dean has a lot to answer for. A backdrop of venetian blinds—very American Gigolo. A potted fern to one side added a certain tropical touch.
The handwriting was all over the place, a graphologist’s dream sample.
PHONE: 01323 --- ---
Dear Box NS405 … or can I call you Box?
Hi, My name is Derrick. I’ve just read your advert and my prick has never got so stiff so quickly. I often walk along the seafront in Hastings, Eastbourne and Brighton, watc
hing young sports guys. The cyclists stop, get off their bikes and the sexy black shorts show clearly the outline of rigid cock. Then they turn around, I catch a glimpse of well-formed buns, nice deep crack up it. Sadly I have never met one who is gay, but I have been tempted, very tempted, to touch.
I’d love to get you cycling around a bit until you are hot, then get you into a private room (a beach hut would be nice) and run my soft hands all over your body. I would spend a while exploring the warmth of your skin thru that shiny black, then we would peel our clothes off. My prick would spring to life and my shaven balls and ass would be ready for anything. As I peel your shorts etc off my tongue would taste the fresh hot sweat between your legs and between your cheeks etc etc etc.
Anyway, here’s a photo of me. I’m 5′ 10″, not camp. and have my own transport. If this letter is of interest, phone 01323 --- --- any Tuesday 8-8.30pm. This is a public callbox. (Nosey flatmate and fear of crank calls!)
I hope I am suitable for your fantasies — Derrick
PS Forgive my trashy writing.
Verdict: I could imagine him jerking off over a sweet-smelling new magazine, fascinated by the shadows that nestle under hamstrings and ribs, little brown bottle shoved up one nostril. No.
A real money feel to the stationery from Anthony (Tony to his friends.) Smart, crisp, off-white. Ten out of ten writing. Two enclosures:
1) A snapshot taken in Seville showing an okay to good-looking blond, perhaps just over the worst of flu.
2) A minty flavoured Mates condom.
–,––––––– Mews,
Kensal Green.
Hi,
My name is Anthony Beckett, (Tony to my friends). I’m twenty five and as you can see from the photo I’m blond, blue eyed. It’s no big deal but I’ve never answered a personal ad before, I guess one’s never really caught my attention—until now that is. (It’s a bit of a shock having to enclose a cheque for £1.50p!) You see, I really get turned on by bike-gear!—Really! Especially those very shiny, black skin-tight lycra shorts your ad teased with so well. Kinda feel like a dirty old man writing all this but, what the hell …
Me—well, I don’t ride bikes that often. My passion is canoeing. I do it every other day. I live near a canal and so after work me and my single kayak go onto the canal for an hour or so to clear my head.