by Dani René
“I have love and more happiness than you can imagine, and I have it because I have you here.” He stares at me for a moment as if he can’t fathom what I’m saying. It’s as if each word doesn’t make sense to him.
His sigh is low. His chest rises and falls. It’s then that I lean in, burying my face in his neck, inhaling the scent of Ryder. Masculine with a hint of mint and Coke. Suddenly, he tugs me, lifting me against him, and placing me on the mattress.
“Stay.”
I watch as he takes his shoes off. The movements are jerky, and I wonder if it hurts. My eyes are glued to him and the moment he finally pushes the pants he’s wearing down, I’m met once more with the fact that Ryder is missing a leg. “I didn’t want you to ever see this,” he tells me with his back to me. “To see me broken.” There’s so much sadness in his tone that makes my heart hurt, it physically aches in my chest.
“We’re all somewhat broken, Ryder. Every person has a part of themselves missing. Just because yours is physical doesn’t mean you’re different from someone who’s suffered or is suffering mentally or emotionally.”
He turns to me then. “When did you grow up, baby girl?”
“When you weren’t here.” I murmur, but I don’t say it to hurt him, or to make him feel guilty for going away. I need him to know I’m no longer the little girl he walked out on four years ago.
Ryder settles onto the side of the bed. Then I watch in wonderment as he places his prosthetic leg against the nightstand. It hits me all at once, he’s lived with this for two years. All those months he was alone, hurting, coming to terms with the accident and what he did.
“I understand why you were angry.”
He doesn’t turn to me when I talk, but I know he can feel every word. We’ve always had a powerful connection. I didn’t realize it until he left, and I felt like a part of me was missing.
“I’m not saying it’s the same thing, but after you went to the city, it felt like I had a part of me missing. I couldn’t function normally, for a long while. And it took months before I found my love of reading, of dancing again. I even started up with ballet again just to please my mother,” I confess in a raspy tone that drips with sadness and pain.
He swings his legs onto the bed and pulls me into his arms without responding. The part of him no longer there doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t disgust me. It just makes me want to hold him even closer.
Our bodies press closely together. I can feel his erection against me, but I don’t say anything about it because this moment isn’t about that. It isn’t about anything other than Ryder healing, about him letting go of years of pain and regret, of guilt and burden. And I allow him to hold me.
He nestles his head into my hair that’s splayed on his pillow. Silence hangs around us, heavy and threatening. It feels as if there’s a storm brewing in the distance—the clouds dark and menacing—and I have a feeling something is about to break free.
And then I feel it.
I feel him.
Ryder is crying.
And all I can do is hold him.
16
Ryder
Her body is warm. Calming. And as the emotional pain grips me, I let it all go as I inhale her scent. Her fragrance. Piper is the only thing I have ever needed in my life. She brought happiness where there was sadness, she brought light when I was drenched in darkness, and she filled me with love when I’d only ever hated.
Her hand gently trails its way up and down my back. Her body cocooned against mine is right where I want her to be. She doesn’t speak. She allows me to cry. For the first time in two long years, I let the pent-up anger and guilt to free itself from me, and I cry.
The tears burn their way down my cheeks. Honesty and pain drip from my eyes as I hold on to the only woman to ever love me. And the love she offers isn’t conditional. It doesn’t matter who I am, what I look like. She’ll be here.
“There were times over the four years I would wonder about you. I’d imagine you in a life so perfect, filled with dance and music, with love and beauty,” Piper whispers. “Each time I saw you in my mind’s eye, I smiled. Knowing you were happy was enough for me.”
“I could never be happy without you.” I lift my head, allowing my eyes to find Piper’s big blue ones. “You’re everything to me, Butterfly. Even when I was away I was still right here,” I tell her, placing my index finger on her chest where her heart is beating wildly against my touch.
“And I was here,” she tells me, mimicking my movement by placing her fingers on my chest. Her leg moves, intertwining with mine. It’s strange having a woman in bed with me. Knowing I’m missing half my limb is difficult, but sharing that with someone is even more so. “Will you tell me about your past?” she questions then.
“What about my past?” I have a feeling I know what she means, but I don’t know if I can even tell her about that time of my life, the moment I learned my father was a cheating bastard. I didn’t know the whole truth, but I overheard him and my mother fighting. He’d been with someone else and she found out somehow.
“Why did you… I mean, why…” Piper’s voice is a raspy murmur, and I know what she’s asking.
“For a long time, I felt alone. As an only child, I was nothing more than an inconvenience to two parents who didn’t really want a child.” I reach for her, stroking her cheek as she watches me with those inquisitive orbs of blue. “They always told me I was an accident. After all those years of hearing it, I figured they’d be better off without me around.”
Silence hangs around us, the room quiet in her pondering. She nods slowly, then speaks. “I get that. There were times when I thought that of my own family.” Piper tells me something she’s never mentioned before. “But then I found you. I found dance.”
My gaze pierces her the same way her words stab me. “What?”
She smiles. “I guess you saved me.”
We don’t move. We can’t. There’s nothing more to say because we’ve all said it all before, not with words, but with actions.
“I want to dance with you,” Piper says suddenly.
“What?”
“Like we did in the warehouse.” My girl is adamant and I know there’s no way to dissuade her. Instead of saying no, I want to give her everything she wants.
I nod. “It was fun, but I don’t think I can match you anymore,” I tell her, noticing the sadness in my voice. I don’t hide it, not anymore because she sees me. She knows who I am now, and she hasn’t run away, she’s stayed, and I feel like a man who’s won the lottery.
“You don’t need to match me, Ryder, you need to just be with me.”
“I don’t know how to do that anymore.” My honesty burns my throat. I swallow the lump in my throat, attempting to find my voice once more. “I need you, Piper.”
“I’m right here.” She smiles, leaning her forehead against mine, then slowly snuggles her way into the crook of my neck and soon, I’m holding on to her, my arms wrapped around her small frame. Her legs against mine, against the part of me that’s broken, and her soft, silky skin touches the part of me where they took my leg. The sensation is strange, feeling someone so close, so intimate.
I can’t speak. My eyes burn as emotion grips my chest and breathing is difficult as I try to figure out how I’m going to keep this woman who deserves so much more than I can give her. Even though she’s said she wants me, there’s still a hint of doubt in my mind.
“Ryder.” Piper’s voice drags me from my thoughts. When I meet her big blue eyes, she’s staring at me with a soft smile on her lips. “You’re poking me.” This time, there’s a giggle that tumbles from her lips and I realize I’m hard.
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I attempt to move away, but she holds on to me.
“It’s okay. You were just… I mean you were,” she says, gesturing with her hands. “Prodding my stomach.”
A laugh falls from my lips, a real, honest to goodness laugh, and I can’t stop it.
Happiness isn’t a place
.
It isn’t a feeling. It’s a person.
It’s Piper.
She’s my happy place, my sanctuary and nothing will ever change that.
“Your brother told me not to hurt you,” I tell her.
“He did?” She sounds surprised at my confession, which causes me to drag my gaze over to her. Her brows furrow and she looks like a pixie with a frown.
“He knows how I feel about you.”
“Preston really has been acting really strange lately.” Her observation is true. Her brother has been different since we’ve been back and I wonder what it could be about. He’s always been an asshole, and even though he still is to a certain extent, him permitting me to talk to Piper was a shock to me.
I would never have guessed he’d ever approve of his best friend with his baby sister. But Preston has seen me at my worst. He fucking survived the accident I caused, and even though I almost killed him, he’s still my best friend.
“Are you thinking about it?”
I glance up at Piper, her question catching my attention and dragging me from the racing images that filter through my mind on a daily basis.
“Yes,” I answer her honestly because that's what I can give her. My honesty. My truth.
“You know, living in the past is only an excuse for so long, Ryder.” Her smile falls away and I know I’m in trouble now. “Soon you’ll have to look forward and when you do, you’ll regret missing out on so many good things because you were stuck in the past.”
“You’re still as fucking feisty as you always were,” I tell her, reaching up to cup her face in my hands. Pulling her closer, I plant a chaste kiss on her plump lips. They’re soft and taste like cola and cherries.
“Can we lie here forever?” Piper whispers against my mouth. Her soft breath fans over my face as she speaks and I want to pull her closer, to revel in her scent and sweetness. I want to climb inside of her and never leave.
“We can. But I think the outside world would be angry,” I tell her.
“Why?” Her brows furrow. Her eyes sparkle with confusion as she regards me and I take a moment before I answer, because everything she does leaves me speechless.
“Because I would’ve stolen the sun from the sky.”
“Okay, cheesy.” She laughs, swatting my chest playfully, and I wrap my arms around her and snuggle into the soft comforter with her lying close.
“This is nice.” I plant a kiss on her hair, the silky strands tickling my lips, but I want so much more of her. Soon. Not tonight. This moment is far too innocent to turn into something more. It’s like coming home.
I never thought I’d ever feel that way about this place, but with her in my bed, beside me, it feels like the world is right. Like I’d always meant to come home. To her.
17
Piper
I’m startled awake by a door slamming against the wall. When my gaze snaps open, I find Jeremiah standing on the threshold of the bedroom staring at Ryder and me in bed, curled around each other like old lovers.
“Well, good morning to you two.” He smiles, partly in shock, and the rest is in camaraderie at Ryder, whose arms are still tightly wrapped around me. “Does your brother know you’re here?” he questions, meeting my gaze.
“No, but I’m an adult and I can be wherever I like.” My confidence falters when Preston strolls into the bedroom behind his best friend.
“Pip.” He nods, then saunters toward the desk, settling himself on the top. “Ryder,” he starts, causing my heart to kick wildly in my chest. I know he told me to go after Ryder, after my heart, but seeing us in bed could make him change his mind. “Just remember one thing, you hurt her, I’ll hurt you. And you won’t enjoy it.”
“Fuck off. Both of you, get out of my bedroom.” At that, Ryder hurls a pillow at Preston, who catches it easily. I chuckle at the display of testosterone in the bedroom.
“We’ll wait in the living room,” Jeremiah informs us as he strolls out, along with my brother, who follows close behind.
Groaning, I push up, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. “I better go.”
“Like fuck you are. They’ll be leaving soon. Wait here.” Ryder moves quickly, putting on the prosthetic, and is on his feet in seconds and out in the living room. Their deep voices hurtle my way through the open doorway. “Can we get some alone time? I told her last night.”
“As I said, I’m not angry, but don’t fucking break her heart, man.” My brother’s warning to Ryder makes me smile. Growing up, we’d never been close, but I guess some things do change.
“You know I won’t. Now get your ass out of here. I need to spend time with my lady.” Ryder’s gruff tone comes through loud and clear, causing me to laugh at his words.
“Man, you’re whipped.” Jeremiah chuckles.
I hear the door clicking, and then I’m sure we’re alone. I don’t leave his bedroom. I’m sitting on the bed when he finally makes his way back into the space carrying two large mugs of steaming coffee.
“Extra cream for you, little lady,” he tells me with a smile that makes my heart skip a few extra beats. Ryder is handsome, in a rough, rugged way. And that was the reason I fell for him when I didn’t even know what love was. He wasn’t fake. He was real, honest. Nothing he said had that condescending tone some of the boys at school used to have. He treated me like an equal.
“Thanks.”
“I would’ve made you breakfast in bed, but Jer and Preston interrupted us,” he tells me, a smile on his lips that’s almost shy. Unusual for Ryder.
“You know, you don’t have to spoil me,” I tell him, scooting closer to where he’s perched on the edge of the mattress. “And I’m not going anywhere, so maybe we can spend the day in bed, talking.”
“Butterfly, if we spend the day in bed, there will be no talking, unless it’s you screaming my name over and over again for hours.”
A giggle slips free from my lips then. I haven’t genuinely laughed in so long. It feels foreign to me. He pulls me closer, and I let him. I needed this, and I just didn’t realize how much I needed him. His arms are like a foundation, and my heart is clearly teetering on the ledge.
When Ryder left, I promised myself not to fall again. I also vowed that if he ever came back, I wouldn’t let him drag me into his orbit, but there was no way I’d win that war. I couldn’t fight the gravitational pull I have toward him, but there is nowhere else I’d rather be.
“I want to make you breakfast,” he announces, pressing a kiss to my forehead like he used to when I was a teenager. “Do you still like choc chip pancakes?”
“Is that even a question?”
Ryder stands, tugging me off the bed and into his hold. I tilt my head to meet his gaze. “If you sass me again I may have to put you over my knee and give that pretty little ass a spank.” His threat turns my insides to goo, and the butterflies he always seemed to awaken within me flurry to life.
“Is that a promise?” I tease, causing him to swat my ass. “Ouch!”
“It’s a promise, Butterfly.” He smirks. “Let’s go make something to eat.” Slipping his fingers through mine, he leads me into the modern kitchen, which looks like it’s not been used. But then again, this is Ryder and I’m certain he’s never cooked before.
He pulls out bowls, flour, eggs, salt, and some baking powder, along with two small packets of chocolate chips, and milk. I watch as Ryder moves around the kitchen, my coffee mug in front of me. There’s nothing more I need than being here with him. I know that. I guess I’ve always known that.
“You seem to have the the right ingredients for pancakes,” I observe when he sets everything out on the counter.
“It’s my ritual. I make them because they remind me of you,” he tells me, not meeting my questioning gaze. He moves about the kitchen and I allow him to mix what he needs to before I voice the words that have been sitting on my tongue since last night.
“So, how long was your rehabilitation?” I whisper, unsure of how to start al
l the questions I have running around in my mind. There’s a barrage of them and I feel like asking too many might give Ryder the opportunity to slip back into the darkness what still flickers in his eyes.
“It took months, over a year to finally accept it. There are still times I don’t believe it,” he tells me sadly. His voice is low, gravelly with emotion as he informs me about his past. The one I wasn’t there for.
“Why didn’t you come home?” I’m genuinely curious.
Ryder halts all movement. Slowly, he turns to face me. The expression on his face is pure agony and I’m afraid I’ve just messed up our bliss.
“Honestly?” he asks and I nod, my heart thumping wildly in my throat, making it difficult to swallow. “I didn’t want you to see me like that, so broken.”
“You’re not broken, you never were,” I tell him, rising to my feet and rounding the counter. “Even when you told me about your past, about what you did…” I allow my words to filter into the silence that surrounds us. For the first time in a long while, there’s no music. It’s only the rhythm of our hearts.
“Piper, you’ve only seen the parts of me you wanted to. The bad boy you had a crush on, he was the one you wanted,” he tells me. He’s so sure of himself.
“No, Ryder, that’s not all I saw. Deep down, I saw those dark parts of you, that side you hide from everyone else. That’s the Ryder I fell in love with. All those scared, lonely parts, along with the handsome, snarky parts. Don’t make me sound like a stupid kid who has a crush.” My frustration is evident in my words, and Ryder hears it.
Cupping my face in his hands, he pulls me closer, so his breath is mine. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant…” He sighs gently. Then offers a wry smile. “When you love someone, you put them on a pedestal.”