He rocked her back and forth, whispering soothing sounds as he offered his body and soul as comfort.
The sobs began to slow, but her body jerked as her breathing hitched. She burrowed deep into his chest as though unconsciously seeking warmth. Acceptance.
BJ wanted her to talk to him. Get it out. Face it. Together. Which is what they should have done four years ago, but the inexperience of youth pulled them in different directions. Allowed them to walk away from the love they shared.
Holding her, his mind wandered back to that time.
When she called to tell me that she was afraid she was pregnant, I rushed home, ready to face whatever was coming. On the drive there, I went over the scenarios so that by the time I arrived, I was ready to be what she needed me to be.
My parents owned Smokey’s, the nice bar and grill in town, and I worked there in the summers. If I increased my hours and dropped football, I would be able to make enough to support us as long as we could live with my parents. It wouldn’t be ideal, but it would work. All I knew was that I would do whatever needed to be done.
Her hand was shaking as she held the stick. Its blue end shining like a beacon proclaiming a new life. I kept assuring her that it would be all right, but I knew she was terrified. Life was getting ready to change, but I wanted her to trust me. I was going to do everything in my power to make us a family.
Her breathing hitched again, jerking him from his memories. He stood, protecting her ribs as he walked back into the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, moved to lean back against the headboard and settled her down alongside him, never once letting her slip from his embrace.
Twisting around, he snagged a couple of tissues from the nightstand before gently wiping her cheeks and nose.
Her eyes fluttered open, red-rimmed but finally seemed to focus. She looked surprised to be in his arms in the bedroom, but did not move. She wanted to be embarrassed but found that she could not even bring that emotion up. There was no other room inside her soul except for grief. So she tightened her grip around his torso and held on.
Her own memories flooded to the forefront of her mind, overtaking her thoughts. Of another time when she was held in his embrace.
The stick was blue. Blue. How the hell did this happen? We used protection. Oh Jesus, our parents are going to kill us. She glanced back down again at the stick shaking in her hand. Nope, it hadn’t changed color. It was still blue.
Sucking in a huge breath, she looked up at his face, afraid of what she would see. He was staring down at the stick as well. After a look of shock flitted across his face, his eyes captured hers.
“Baby, it’s okay. We’ll be okay, trust me.”
His words warmed her, filling her with a sliver of hope.
“What about our plans? What about college? What about our parents?”
His arms wrapped around her as he pulled her into his chest. Enveloped. Embraced.
“Suzy, we’ll be fine. I’ll increase my hours at pop’s place and make more money. You graduate from high school in another month. We’ll make it.”
“What about our parents?”
“Baby, they’ve been friends forever and were thrilled when we finally got together. This just moves our plans up by a couple of years, but Suzy, you’ve been it for me for a long time.” Kissing the top of her head, he squeezed her tighter. “I’ll take care of you, trust me.”
Chapter 8
BJ noticed that she had gone very still. “Baby doll,” he said softly. “Had no idea you’d held this inside all this time. I thought for sure that you and Ms. Dodd had talked about things.” Knowing how close Suzy was with her parents, he added, “Or your mom.”
“Couldn’t,” came the choked response, her chin quivering as she bit her lips trying to keep the tears at bay. “There was no funeral. Nothing.”
His mind raced to process what she was saying.
“There’s no funeral for a miscarriage. No closure. Nothing to hold. Nothing to kiss goodbye. Nothing.”
“Baby,” he whispered.
“No one wanted to talk about it. It’s almost as though everyone thought that by not talking about it, I wouldn’t think about it.” Her head dropped as her tears started anew. “But I never stopped thinking about it. It’s with me every day. Every. Day. Right there when I wake up and as I close my eyes at night.”
BJ slid his hands to her face gently pulling her away from his chest. “Baby, I want to see your face. I need to see your eyes.”
Their eyes searched each other’s. One questioning. One hiding. Both hurting.
“Suzy, you said something last night, when you were out of it, and I want to know what you meant.”
She looked at him, confusion along with wariness in her eyes. “What did I say?” she whispered.
“You said that you didn’t want to leave me but that you had to. That it was the only way to give me back my life.” He searched her face. “What did you mean by that?”
She started to pull away from him, but his arms would not allow it. Looking up sharply, she saw the determined look on his face. Sighing, she stopped her movements and dropped her eyes to his chin. Anywhere but his eyes. Staring into those eyes…she would lose her soul…once again.
“Baby, you have got to talk,” he said. “Regardless of anything else that ever goes on with us, we have to talk about this.”
“It hurts,” came the fevered whisper.
“You think it is easy for me?”
At that, she lifted her eyes to his once again in question.
“Yeah, that’s right, baby,” he said, more harshly than he intended. Sighing loudly, he continued, “I lost too, you know? I lost my baby too. And then I lost the girl I loved. The girl I wanted to marry. I lost my baby and my future.” His voice shook with emotion, tears once again welling in his eyes.
Seeing his tears were her undoing. Her whole body began to shake once again, this time the sobs coming silently. Eyes closed, tears slid down her cheeks. Moving her head back and forth slowly, she whispered, “I had to let you go. I heard. I heard them.”
His hands had slid down to her hips and his fingers flexed tightly at her words. “Heard? Heard what? Heard who?”
“It doesn’t matter, Brad. It’s done. It’s over. We had to be over and I had to make sure it was.”
“Baby, you’re not going to leave me hanging. You owe me that at least.”
This time, the agony in his voice ripped through her, reaching the dark, hidden places. The places in her mind that she never allowed herself to wander.
“I heard…your friends. Before. I…came…and heard them.” She winced, the memory bringing new pain.
Shaking his head, he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. What did you hear?”
Sucking in a huge breath Suzy stared over his shoulder, as the words that had been held back for so long began to tumble out.
“It had been a rough week. You were back at school. Trying to get some summer classes in. Remember?”
Her eyes could see his head nod. “It’d been rough. Rob was still pouting and nothing Laurie said would appease him. I felt censure all around. Mom tried to act excited about planning a wedding, but I could tell she was hurt. Dad would always come into the room and kiss the top of my head like always, but I could feel it. Jesus!” she bit out, tears threatening to fall once again. “Everywhere I turned, it was as though I was disappointing someone.”
She felt BJ’s fingers slide from her hips to her back, gently rubbing. Touching. Comforting. Dropping her head, she said in a small voice, “I just wanted to see you again. Needed to see you again.”
Quiet settled over the small room, each in their own thoughts. Memories.
“What happened, baby?” he prodded.
Sucking in her lips, she gave a soft snort. “I drove up to surprise you.”
BJ searched his memory but couldn’t remember her visit.
“I walked to your dorm. The one where you had the first-floor room. It was
hot and you had your windows open. Your room was filled with people. A bunch of guys. Some girls. I heard you. I heard them.”
“Baby, I’m coming up blank here. I don’t remember what you’re referring to. You gotta give me somethin’ to go on.”
Lifting her eyes to his, she saw sincerity. Nodding, she continued, “They were all talking about how you were throwing your life away. How getting married to your high school sweetheart just because she was pregnant was archaic. Stupid.”
She watched as slow dawning crossed his face. Nodding, she lifted her eyebrows. “Yeah, you remember now, don’t you?”
Anger filled her as she said, “I heard the girls, Brad. They chimed in to say that it’d be a waste to keep your body away from the female population just because you got tricked into being a ‘baby daddy’.”
At those words, he dropped his head to his chest, disbelief filling his being. Of all the times she would have to drop by, she couldn’t have picked a worse time. Oh, Jesus, fuck.
“I heard the others chiming in too, Brad. I heard them. And all I could think of was that they were right. Tying you down to me was going to change your life. Everything you had ever planned. Wanted. Dreamed for. Hoped for.”
Lifting his head while cupping hers with his large hands, he pulled her in close. “Baby, what you heard was fucked. You couldn’t have happened on a worse conversation at a worse time. I can only imagine that you took off before I had a chance to answer them back?”
Her confused look was his answer.
“Baby, I told them to shut the fuck up. That you had been my life since I could remember. And you having my baby was just icing on the cake. I said it didn’t matter that it pushed our timeline up. All that mattered was you and me and the baby.”
Suzanne leaned her head in, resting it on his shoulder, fatigue sweeping over her in waves threatening to take her under.
“I just couldn’t stand the idea of ruining your life. So I ran to my car and drove home.” Taking another shuddering breath, she said numbly, “It’s my fault.”
“What happened that night, baby? I never really felt like I understood.”
The quietness settled between them. Stretching out. Seeping into corners.
He waited several minutes then with his hand on the back of her neck, gave a little reminder squeeze.
She realized that he was right. She had been so overcome with grief that she had never let him back in. Never told him what was on her mind. What she’d heard. What she was thinking. He deserved to know. At least, he deserved that before they would be able to part ways.
“I…,” she began haltingly. “I drove home. Crying. Trying to figure out a way…to make it work. To give you your freedom. I thought that I could…I don’t know. Raise the baby. Myself.”
She felt his hand flex again and she continued in a rush. “When I got home, I ran to my room. Mom and dad tried to talk to me. They called Rob and Laurie, but I wouldn’t talk to any of them. Laurie called Emma. Ms. Dodd. But I told them I needed to be alone.”
Sucking in a huge breath then letting it out slowly, she said, “That night I woke and felt something wet. I turned on my lamp and looked down.” She began to shudder once more and felt BJ tighten his hold on her. “I began to scream. By the time mom and dad got me to the hospital, I had miscarried. By the time they got a call off to you, it was all over.”
A new wave of grief poured over her and the sobs came once again. “Gone. Our baby was gone. And it was my fault.” She couldn’t bear to look into BJ’s face, so she kept hers buried in his neck. Then she felt the wetness of his tears fall onto her shoulder. Not able to resist, she leaned up to peer into his eyes, seeing her own grief mirrored there.
“How was it your fault?” he choked out.
“Don’t you see?” she cried. “I was upset! I even thought about what life would have been like if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. The baby must have felt it. It must have known what I was thinking!” Seeing the incredulous look on his face, she continued. “I know it sounds stupid, but that’s all I can think of. I was upset and then that night miscarried.”
She threw her head back, another sob tearing from her throat. “I’m so sorry Brad. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Jesus Christ, baby. It’s not your fault. That wasn’t what happened! Hell, if everyone’s negative thoughts caused miscarriages there’d be no babies born.”
“I know, I know,” she cried, “But I can’t help it. That was the only thought that I had. And then the next day, I heard our parents talking outside the hospital room when they thought I was sleeping. Our dads seem to think it was for the best.”
Looking at her sharply, he asked, “What about our moms?”
Sadly she shook her head, her expression lost in memory. “No. The moms didn’t agree.” Giving a rueful snort, she said, “Mom told dad she’d better not ever hear him say that again.” Looking up into his face, she admitted, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mom use that tone of voice with him before.”
Once again, the silence of their memories moved all around them, coating them in a blanket of grief.
Taking a huge cleansing breath and letting it out, Suzanne wiped her face with a crumpled tissue. She forced herself to look at BJ’s face, her eyes roaming over his features. One last time. Committing them to memory. Shaggy, dark-blond hair. The white-blond of youth gone. Full face, strong cheekbones. Square jaw with a morning-after stubble. Thick neck that tapered to wide shoulders. Strong arms, a muscular torso that led to his defined abs. A body that she had loved as a young girl into womanhood. And now, just as she found him again, she knew she needed to let him go once more. I barely survived the first time. How will I make it this time without shattering into a million pieces?
Clearing her throat, she stared into his eyes. “That’s it, Brad. That’s all I have to tell you. That’s all there is. I had to walk away four years ago because you deserved your life. One free of commitment and duty. And with the baby gone, there was no way we could go back. Looking at you broke my heart and I knew you would grow to resent me. And now that I’ve told you everything, you can leave. You can go back to your life.”
His eyes flashed anger and his voice shook. “That’s it? You’ve told me why you left four years ago and you think I’m just walking away this time? Fuckin’ clueless, baby. You were grieving on your own back then. I get it. But now? Now? That’s not happening again!”
Her eyes flashed as well, but before she could say anything, he continued. “You walked away back then and no matter how many times I tried to talk to you, call you, get to you, either you or your family put a halt to it. So I let you go figuring you were moving on. Away from me. Away from us.”
“I had to let you go, Brad. I couldn’t stand the thought of you being tied to me but not loving me.”
“You never gave me a chance to tell you how I felt. Cry with you. Hold you. Hell, grieve with you.”
“I couldn’t. Don’t you see?” she pleaded. “I could barely get though a day. I stopped thinking, feeling, caring. One day I jumped into the car and drove to Richland. I just drove around town, not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. My parents were blowing up my cell phone, but I never answered.”
“Fuck, baby. What were you doing?”
“Still running,” her quiet voice said. “I couldn’t stay in Fairfield. I couldn’t take a chance on running into you again. Seeing you. I didn’t even want to see your parents.” Giving a small shrug, she continued, “I thought I was moving on. I guess it was just running away.”
“What happened that day?”
“I saw a beautiful woman with long red hair walking a dog. She was wearing a white lab coat and it caught my attention. I followed her and she went into a small veterinarian clinic.” Looking into his face once again. “I know this sounds crazy but I parked and went in. There she was with another worker. He asked if he could help me and I just blurted out that I wanted to work there. That I was moving to Richland in a few weeks a
nd that I needed a job.”
BJ stared in surprise, knowing that Suzy had always been a careful planner. Not one to act on a whim.
“I told them that I would do whatever needed to be done.” Laughing ruefully, she said,
“They must have thought I was crazy, but Annie hired me. Told me to come back when I was settled.”
“What then? How’d you move to Richland?”
“I answered an ad in Craig’s List for a roommate and moved into a shared apartment the next week.”
“Are you telling me that your dad and brother let you do this? Were they fuckin’ nuts?”
“I was eighteen. They didn’t have a choice.” She thought for a moment, then added, “Plus mom said it was a good idea.”
At his surprised look, she said, “Mom knew that I needed space. I couldn’t keep living in that same bedroom in that same house. I was going to go crazy in Fairfield. I don’t know how she knew, but she did. I started working for Annie and after a year I discovered that I wanted to become a technician so I started classes.”
Giving a little shrug, she said, “You know the rest. I had to get away. Being around you would have broken me.”
“Baby, you were already broken.” At her gasp, he held tight. “But I was too. Don’t you see? We were both broken. But we’re the only ones who can put us back together again.”
Looking into his face, confusion filled her thoughts. “What are you saying?”
His hands slid once again to the sides of her face, holding her close. He pulled her gently towards him. “Suzy, it’s been you since I was fifteen fuckin’ years old. Only you. You had me then. You have me now. I let you go because that was the only play I knew. I’m not a kid anymore. And neither are you. We hurt? We do it together. We grieve? We do it together. We fight? We fuckin’ do it together. We laugh, we share, we cry, we grow old? We fuckin’ do it together. Is this sinking in, baby?”
Love's Trusting (The Love's Series) Page 8