She felt panic wrapping around her. An ache tore deep within her heart to know that she was not truly wanted for herself. She was a soldier. She was tough. No man would ever see her for the gentle soul that she was. It took the physical pain that the heavens inflicted to keep a man close to her.
It didn’t matter that Sebastian was kind to her. He had no choice. The physical pull of the mating bond made him need and desire her—not want or love her. He couldn’t have those feelings for her. He barely knew her. The thoughts that she had sensed from him about wanting a family could have been felt about any woman.
He was a good man who wanted love in his life. She was just the woman who had been in the right place at the right time. The small amount of time that they had spent together couldn’t possibly have caused him to truly desire her or love her. Even though she already had feelings for him, she somehow couldn’t allow herself to believe that he could be experiencing the same feelings for her. She knew she was being paranoid and unreasonable, but she couldn’t help it.
As carefully as she could, she pulled herself away from Sebastian’s side, glad that he wasn’t touching her at the moment so she wouldn’t disturb him. She froze all movement when he moved restlessly and turned to lie on his back. She held her breath as he slowly settled back into a deep sleep. He murmured something unintelligible and his brow furrowed in confusion as he reached out in search of her.
She touched his hand gently, waiting patiently until he relaxed and settled. Sadness filled her as she looked down at his hand as it covered hers, wishing that the loving touch could be real. But it wasn’t.
When his breathing settled into a deep, slow pattern, she pulled herself from his hold and slid silently from the bed. Carefully picking up her clothing, she walked through the tent to dress quietly in the outer area. Once dressed, she made her way to the entrance of Sebastian’s tent, picking up one of the blankets that had been left on the tent floor as she went. She saw the golden glow that surrounded the tent when she pulled back the flap of material and walked through it without hesitation. She felt an immediate loss of warmth as soon as she cleared the barrier.
She needed to get away. She needed to think.
Walking through the quiet camp, she passed by the warriors who stood guard. As she passed by, she nodded to them silently with the authority that had been bred in her from the time she had been a teenager. No man stopped her, although a few stepped forward before lowering their eyes and bowing as they retreated when she looked at them with obvious irritation in her eyes.
The need to get away and have some time alone pushed at her. She couldn’t deal with this. Everything was too new and too intense. It scared her down to her very core. She continued walking until the camp was a distant blur. She climbed up the small hill that surrounded the encampment and was grateful to see the calming sight of a small waterfall and shallow pool of water. She dropped the blanket down onto the ground, spreading it out, and sitting down on it with a thud, all the nervousness within her spilling out.
It was peaceful to watch the soft glow of the two moons reflected in the small pool. The image rippled the reflection as the small waterfall disturbed the serenity of the water. It was both beautiful and soothing—exactly what Lexi needed. Water always calmed her, and she certainly needed calming right then. It had only been a few minutes since she had left camp, but the pain in her body was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.
She sat silently for some time. She was determined to remain in control of her emotions. She was strong. She could withstand the pain. She was not allowed to be weak. She had to take care of her sisters. She was the one who would make sure that they would be safe. Until they were all taken care of, she had no right to hope for a life of her own.
Sebastian had no idea how much she longed for the one person who would share her life with her. She could not give in to her secret desire no matter how much she wanted to take the chance on having that future with Sebastian.
She was determined to put aside the feelings she already had for Sebastian. She couldn’t put herself and her desires above her responsibilities. Too many depended on her. She couldn’t let anyone down because she ached for the man who had held her so tenderly and had shown her such compassion and kindness.
As if the heavens decided to call her on her lie, Sebastian appeared behind her and sat down silently beside her on the blanket. He wore only his dark trousers. His hair was adorably tousled and there was an expression of concern on his face.
She had to look away. She couldn’t face him and see his kindness or his caring. She couldn’t look at his ruggedly handsome face and drool-worthy, muscled chest and remain in control. The attraction was too intense. The need to touch him was too fierce.
He didn’t touch her. He didn’t speak. But his presence beside her was comforting. She turned to face him again and saw him watching her intently.
“How bad is the pain?” he asked her softly.
“Not bad,” she lied, looking away in shame that she wasn’t being honest with him.
“I do not believe you, Lexi,” he answered her. He could not keep the frustration from his voice.
It was obvious that he was struggling for control. She turned to face him again and saw the pain etched across his features. His hair fell forward slightly and was plastered to his sweat-soaked face. Without thinking, she reached out and brushed his hair from his forehead and caressed his cheek tenderly.
The ease of pain within her uterus and breasts was immediate. She saw relief that was displayed on his face and felt tremendous guilt that she had caused him pain once again. Without hesitation, she reached around his body and held onto him, resting her head against his bare chest. Feelings of peace and warmth filled her immediately. When he surrounded her with his arms and hugged her against his chest, she felt a sense of rightness that she couldn’t deny despite her determination to do exactly that.
She had never been held so tenderly. This man made her feel desirable and beautiful. His hands caressed her back and arms slowly. He pulled her closer to him, resting his chin on her head as she snuggled into the crook of his neck. Before she could think better of it, she turned her face toward him and kissed his throat lightly, continuing to press gentle kisses against his neck and shoulder as his moans of pleasure echoed throughout the serene location.
She pulled back and gazed up at him. His look showed her desire, need, and happiness. When his mouth settled over hers, she could barely breathe. Her heart was pounding with both fear and excitement, but she gave herself over to the wonderful sensation of his lips gently coaxing hers to respond. His tongue played across her closed lips, carefully easing between them when she opened to accept him.
She met his tongue with her own, gently caressing and seeking approval. Her chest constricted with excitement at the feral sound that emanated from him at her innocent contact. His fingers threaded through her hair as he held her still to explore every inch of her mouth, slipping his tongue inside to taste her. He kissed her with such passion, she could barely put two thoughts together. When she whimpered softly, he pulled back from her and looked directly into her eyes.
“I am having a very difficult time controlling my need for you, my lady,” he whispered, closing his eyes in an attempt to steady himself.
She settled against his chest and felt his heart thudding beneath her cheek. If only this could be more than the physical need that he had spoken of.
“Sebastian,” she whispered to him.
“Yes, Lexi?” His voice was gentle and soft as he spoke. He could not help but caress her arm that was resting comfortably against his waist.
Lexi pulled back to face him, glad that his hold on her relaxed to allow her that freedom of movement. “This mating. Is it only a physical need that determines us being together?”
Sebastian smiled as he took her hand within his. “I can only tell you what I have heard and seen in my lifetime since this is new to me, as well,” he told her honestly. “It is
said that the heavens have determined the one person we are meant to be with from the moment we are born. This person is our true life mate in every way—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Although the physical need draws a destined couple together, each couple is bound by deep and honest love for one another. My mother and father told me that they were instantly drawn together by the calling of their souls and their accidental touch. They found that each complemented the other in their likes, their desires, their dreams, and their natures.”
“Really?” Lexi asked, a little skeptical.
“That is what they have told me and my brothers,” Sebastian told her, shrugging. “But, I will tell you this. I have never seen two people more in love than my parents were. They worked together to raise three boys to manhood and enjoyed each other every day of their life together in a way that you can never imagine. I have hoped for such a match, Lexi. I am blessed to have found it with you.”
“You don’t know that yet, Sebastian,” Lexi protested.
“I do,” he insisted.
“You can’t know that.” Lexi’s voice was firm. She pulled away from him and stood slowly, taking a few steps toward the pool of water and keeping her back to him. She couldn’t face him.
“I do know that,” he said quietly but firmly.
“How can you say that? I know nothing but fighting. I have nothing to offer you but another soldier to guard your back. You should have someone who is soft and delicate and beautiful. I’m none of those things.”
Sebastian looked at her silently. He heard the confusion in her voice and felt the anguish within her heart. He stood, stepped closer to her, and reached out to turn her to face him once again.
“Lexi,” he began.
“No, Sebastian,” she said firmly, pulling away from him and raising her hands to stop him from coming closer to her and touching her again. When he touched her, she couldn’t think about anything except how wonderful it was to experience his tenderness.
“I will honor your wishes to remain apart from you,” he said, bowing slightly. “But I will not keep myself from you. I cannot. What I feel for you is true. My care for you is increasing by the moment. I do not see my life without you. I do not want to have a life without you. Please, my lady, give this relationship a chance.”
Lexi sighed softly. She faced the beautiful pool of water, slowly walking down the steep incline that led to it, and standing at its edge. She looked down and saw her reflection looking back at her. She also saw Sebastian coming toward her and stopping just feet from her. She was relieved that he didn’t try to crowd her.
“Sebastian, I’m not an easy person to be with,” she said finally, never taking her eyes off their reflections. “I will act when I feel I must and defend when the need arises. You will not find a meek female in me. I will fight you with all my strength if you do something that I don’t agree with. And don’t even get me started on what I’ll do to you if you dare to disrespect or hurt my sisters or my niece.”
Sebastian laughed softly as he closed the distance between them and pulled her to him in total joy. Lexi was stunned into silence. She allowed him to wrap his arms around her and found herself cuddling into his body. She loved the feel of his laughter underneath her cheek as she leaned against his chest.
“Sebastian, you are so in trouble,” she told him sternly.
Sebastian leaned back to look down at Lexi. “What does this mean?” he asked, confused.
“That you’re in trouble?” Lexi questioned, her eyebrows lifting in surprise.
“No. I understand what being in trouble is,” he said, stopping her. “I have often been in trouble with my parents.”
“Have you?” Lexi asked, unable to keep the smile from her lips. “What did you do to get into trouble?”
“I was unkind to my brothers and caused chaos in our home,” Sebastian said with irritation. “Do not dissuade me, my lady. What does it mean to be so in trouble?”
“Whenever you say so with something it means it is more intense than if you just said it by itself,” Lexi explained, doing her best not to laugh. “I’m trying to tell you that you have no idea how much trouble you’re in if you stay with me.” She looked up at him intently, the laughter within her quickly turning to sadness as the truth of her statement settled deep within her.
His heart hurt at the look of total desolation he saw within her violet eyes. His mate would soon know that he more than desired her. He felt a deep connection to her. He cared for her beyond reason. If this was what it meant to be in love —then in love was what he was.
“I’m not like other women,” she began wearily. “You will see that soon enough.”
“Lexi,” he whispered after a moment, gently pushing her away from him so he could look at her. All humor left his face as he gazed into her beautiful eyes. “Shall I tell you what I see when I look at you?” He waited for her to speak, but she remained silent. “I see a strong woman who has had to take on the role of protector for her sisters and niece. I see the body of a warrior who knows how to defend those she loves. I see a woman who demonstrates such tenderness that my heart aches.”
“When did you see that?” Lexi asked, laughing softly. She was unable to believe that last bit of fluff.
“I saw that when you held your niece in your arms and stroked her head with assurance and love,” he told her, his eyes bright with emotion. “I saw that when you pulled your sisters behind you when you felt they were threatened. I saw that when you were ready to defend me along with your sisters when you thought I was in danger of attack. I saw that when you reached out to touch my head when you saw that I was injured. I saw the deep love you have for your family when you dove in to save your sister and your niece. And I saw that when you helped me with the pain I was feeling when I showed you what would happen to me if I touched myself. A woman who does not care, would not have helped me find release to alleviate my pain.”
“I couldn’t let you suffer,” she said softly.
“I know, my love. To have you in my life, to know your gentleness and your touch, to see and reap the benefits of your strength and your caring, would be the greatest gifts that I could ever hold.” He hesitated, seeing that his woman remained unsure. “Do not doubt the rightness of what we have. Do not question yourself or me. I will not allow it.”
Lexi couldn’t help but laugh at his commanding words. “You will not allow it,” she said softly. “That’s funny, Sebastian.”
“Why is it humorous?”
He was angered by her words. No one ever challenged him. No one. Ever.
“You will not defy me,” he warned her.
“Oh, I will defy you,” Lexi told him with certainty. “Understand, Sebastian. You will not tell me what to do.”
Sebastian gritted his teeth. He was king. He would not tolerate such defiance. Looking down at his fierce warrior, all anger left him. What Lexi was, was exactly as he needed her to be. She needed to be strong. She needed to have no fear of him. If she were to be a good queen, she needed to be strong in order to be a worthy ruler to stand beside him and rule along with him.
Reaching up, he slid his hands up her neck to slip his fingers into her hair at the base of her skull. He cupped the back of her head firmly and held her still. He was mesmerized by the beauty of her. Her pure soul was openly displayed in her violet eyes. There was not one doubt in his mind that she was a good and honorable woman.
“I expect you to challenge me when you disagree with me,” he told her gently. “I also expect you to be open and honest with me at all times. Our worlds are different. I do not know the customs of your world or understand the things that may frustrate you or upset you. Only with your explanations will I be able to ensure that I do not insult you or make you unhappy.”
He hesitated briefly, searching her face for any anger or frustration. He was thankful that he saw none. When he felt her hands sliding up his sides to hold him securely, he could not help but smile at the fact that she was so tactile. H
e loved how she touched him so tenderly. He knew she did not even realize that she was caressing him. It was natural for her to comfort him. It was something that added to his thankfulness at having found this gentle, kind, and strong woman.
“You will tell me when you are upset or confused,” he told her, his voice commanding.
“Are you giving me an order, Sebastian?” she asked him warily.
“Yes.”
Lexi blinked in surprise then laughed softly. “Okay. I’ll let that one pass,” she admitted, not one bit upset by his command.
“I do not understand.”
“I mean, I’ll allow you to give me orders when the orders are valid ones that are based on your concern for me,” she explained, leaning forward and kissing his chest lightly before she rested her cheek against it. “Ordering me to be honest with you and telling you when I don’t understand something is a good command.” She leaned back and looked up at him, her eyes sparkling with humor. “Just don’t get used to it.”
Sebastian sighed with relief as he dipped his head and kissed her forehead lightly. “I will endeavor to not get used to it ,” he promised, glad to hear Lexi’s soft laughter as she hugged him once again.
“Okay. It’s a deal.”
She couldn’t help but smile as happiness settled over her. She looked up at Sebastian and had to be honest with herself. She could easily fall in love with him. When he spoke to her, there was no ridicule or meanness. She saw honest longing in his eyes when he looked at her. She sensed the deep desire within him that she would commit to being his life mate. She wasn’t foolish enough to deny that she was wishing for the same thing from him.
Sebastian was a good man, a strong man, and a kind man. He cared about the men who served him and the people that they protected. He was tender and loving with her. Her pain had made him nearly mindless with worry. He wanted to share their future and create a family. He was also handsome and sexy as hell. How could she not be attracted to him and want a future with him when he was the perfect combination of tenderness and strength?
Alexa's Warrior Mate (Guardian Warrior Mates, Prophecy of Salvation Book 1) Page 12