by Kris Langman
“Sure. Mel likes just about anything. But Ritz crackers are his favorite. Usually he’ll do anything for a Ritz cracker. I don’t know what’s with him today. Maybe he’s mad at me for not bringing him to Sandra’s birthday party. I would have brought him, but I didn’t want him to get eaten by a sheep. It’s always better not to get eaten by a sheep, if you can help it.”
Sally broke up the Ritz cracker into little pieces and scattered them along the slide. She placed the last piece on the coffee table in front of Melvin. Melvin gobbled it up but remained with his feet planted firmly on the coffee table.
“Wasn’t it a lovely party?” said Katie. “Ooh, did you see that necklace that Sandra’s Dad gave her? It had a tiny diamond. A real one. My Grandma gave me a pearl necklace for Hanukkah, but my Mom won’t let me wear it til I’m older. She says it’s a big-girls’ necklace.”
“Yeah,” said Sally. “My Grandma has a whole bunch of jewelry she says she’s gonna give me when I’m older. It’s nice, I guess, but I’d rather have a dirt bike. A red and black Honda motocross bike. I’d have a cool helmet with stripes on the side, and Melvin could ride on the handlebars. You could ask your Mom for one too and then we could go over to the motocross track in Oakland. They have super high jumps there. I bet we could get twenty feet in the air. Ooh, maybe we could jump a school bus. I saw that on TV once. This guy jumped three school buses on his motorcycle. He went through a flaming hoop first. That was cool, but then after he jumped the school buses he landed on his head. That looked kinda stupid. I think I would skip the landing on my head part.”
“I think I would skip that too,” said Katie.
Getting impatient waiting for Melvin to go down the slide voluntarily, Sally picked him up and placed him nose first on the slide and let go. Melvin swooshed down from the coffee table, picked up speed going around the fishbowl, but slowed to a halt at the school books and started to slide backwards. He scrambled for a foothold, but the downward slope was too steep. He somersaulted backwards and fell off the slide, landing on his head. Sally picked him up and fed him a Ritz. When she set him down he dashed across the floor and hid under the couch.
Darlene Trockworthy, who was stretched out on the couch watching Fear Factor, glared at them. “I thought I told you to keep that rat on a leash. When he’s loose he runs across my feet and scares the bejeezus out of me. I swear I’m gonna kick him like a football the next time he tries it. And I’ll aim for an open window.”
“You better not,” Sally retorted. “There was this old Chinese lady at the party today, and she taught me all sorts of horrible curses. If you’re mean to Melvin I’ll give you the Evil Eye. Like this.”
Sally jumped to her feet and made a circle around one eye with her fingers. With the other hand she sketched weird hand motions in Darlene’s direction.
“This is a curse,
Which couldn’t be worse.
Once under this spell
You’ll never be well.
Your nose will turn green
Cause you’re always so mean.
Without a doubt
Your hair will fall out.
Your teeth will come loose
And you’ll honk like a goose.
So just be nice,
Or you’ll pay the price.”
Darlene rolled her eyes and turned back to her TV show.
Bill Hesslop came in carrying a sleeping Robbie.
“Hey Dad,” said Sally. “How’s grandma?”
“She’s fine,” said Mr. Hesslop. “Did you and Katie have a good time at the party?”
“Ooh, yes,” said Katie. “There was a cake shaped like a kitten, with a big pink bow on its head. And there was a petting zoo with the cutest rabbits. Though I didn’t like the sheep. They kept trying to knock me down. And there were lots and lots of presents. Even a diamond necklace.”
“A diamond necklace,” said Mr. Hesslop. “Wow. Sounds like it was quite a fancy shindig. I know you’re always the little lady, Katie, but did Sally behave herself?”
“Oh, yes. My Mom said Sally was such a nice girl, to spend so much time at a birthday party with an elderly lady. She said Sally was very mature.”
“Hmm. Sally’s been called a lot of things, but mature is a new one. What elderly lady are we talking about?”
“Mrs. Chang,” said Sally. “Sandra’s grandma. She was very cool. She told my fortune with these fortune sticks. I’m gonna be super successful and trample on my enemies. And I have to make offerings to my ancestors. I guess that would be grandma. Maybe I could give her that ashtray I made in pottery class. I know she doesn’t smoke, but it’s nice and heavy. She could throw it at missionaries when they come by. And Melvin is very brave and might be a monkey. But there weren’t any cabbages. Not that I saw, anyway. Or any goats. Though if Charlie Sanderson has any he might want to lock them up so they don’t get stolen. We should get some goats. We can keep them in my closet.”
Bill Hesslop opened his mouth to reply to this but decided it was safer just to let it pass. He hiked up Robbie and started down the hall. “It’s getting late. You and Katie go brush your teeth and hop in bed. I’ll come in a minute to tuck you in.”
“Sure, Dad,” said Sally. She grabbed a cracker and held it under the sofa. When Melvin came out and nibbled at it Sally picked him up and tickled his tummy. “You never could resist a Ritz, Mel.”
“Your fur may be fluffy,
But you fight like Buffy.
Hamsters are tough.
They can’t get enough.
Always ready to rumble,
They’ll take a tumble.
Smart, fast and brave,
They’re everyone’s fave.
Hamsters know the way
To save the day.
They’ll be your best friend
To the very end.”
The End
Excerpt from Hamsters Rule the School
Chapter One
“Sally Jane Hesslop!” shouted Sally’s Dad. “Get your hamster out of the cotton candy machine this instant!”
Sally snatched up her backpack and rushed over. She stood on her tiptoes and peered over the edge of the brightly painted cart which sold popcorn and cotton candy. A fluffy pink ball was rolling around in the bottom of the cotton candy machine. As Sally and her Dad watched, four little feet suddenly poked through the ball. It started waddling around the machine, trying to climb up the sides. The tiny feet couldn’t get a grip on the slippery metal and the ball rolled back down to the bottom, collecting more strands of spun sugar until it doubled in size.
Sally’s Dad sighed and reached a long arm into the machine. He grabbed the sticky, sugary ball in one hand and handed it to Sally. “Go find somewhere to wash him off. If that stuff hardens we’ll have to shave off all his fur again.”
Sally nodded and headed over to the catch-your-own-fish tank in the center of the Saturday Fun Fair. She dropped the ball of cotton candy into the water and watched with interest as the sugar slowly dissolved. A soggy Melvin was revealed, paddling madly as silvery minnows streamed beneath him. Sally scooped him out and patted his long orange fur dry with the bottom of her Wonder Woman t-shirt. “Close call, Mel. Dad was going to give you a buzz cut again, and that’s not your best look. You look way cooler with long hair.”
Melvin sneezed and shook himself, scattering drops of water.
“Oh my gosh!” Sally’s best friend Katie rushed up and peered worriedly at Melvin. Sally and Katie were in the same sixth grade class at school. “Is he all right? I saw him fall into the cotton candy. It’s a good thing the machine wasn’t on. Melvin could have been chopped to bits.”
“No way,” said Sally. “Mel’s got his Super-Secret Invisible Bullet-Proof Vest on. All Super-Secret Agents wear them. They’re specially designed to protect agents from bullets, seagulls, cats, skateboards, and cotton candy machines. And octopuses. They added protection from octopuses after Mel fell into the octopus tank on Fisherman’s Wharf last year.”
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br /> “He sure falls into things a lot,” said Katie, brushing a tiny speck of dust off her wool skirt. Katie wore a starched white blouse and a dark green wool skirt everywhere she went, even to the Saturday Fun Fair. Her parents wouldn’t let her wear anything else. They said formal clothes were a mark of good breeding. The kids at Sally and Katie’s school said it was a mark of being completely mental.
“Mel didn’t fall into the octopus tank last year,” said Sally. “He dived in. He just made it look like he’d fallen in to fool people. He was actually on a Super-Secret Mission. He was testing his new T-Shirt of Invisibility. He wanted to see if it stayed invisible underwater.”
“Okay,” said Katie doubtfully, “But why did he fall into the cotton candy machine?”
“To test if his Super-Secret Invisible Bullet-Proof Vest still works when it’s sticky, of course. C’mon. Let’s go ride the Ferris Wheel.”
“I don’t know . . .” said Katie. “I get sick when things go way up high . . .”
But Sally had already taken off at a run, a soggy Melvin clinging to her shoulder. Katie sighed and followed at a slow, reluctant jog. She caught up with Sally in the ticket line.
“I don’t think hamsters are allowed on the Ferris Wheel,” said Katie.
“That’s okay,” said Sally. “No one can see Melvin. He’s got his Super-Secret Invisible Bullet-Proof Vest on, remember?”
“I thought it was the vest that’s invisible,” said Katie. “Not Melvin.”
“The vest is invisible, and it makes Mel invisible too,” said Sally.
“But,” said Katie, “I can see him. He’s dripping all over your t-shirt.”
“Special people like you can see him, but ticket-takers at the Saturday Fun Fair can’t,” said Sally, handing a dollar to the lady behind the ticket counter.
The lady handed Sally a paper ticket without looking up.
“See? No problem,” said Sally.
Katie paid for her ticket, her face paler than usual.
They got in line behind a group of teenage boys who were pushing and shoving each other. The Ferris Wheel slowed down to let two of the boys on. They ran to the seat nearest the ground and jumped on.
Katie turned white as a ghost. “They didn’t even stop the wheel!”
“That’s how it works,” said Sally. “You hop on while it’s moving. If they stopped it for every person it would be a really boring ride.”
“I like really boring rides,” said Katie. “I like really boring rides that are close to the ground.”
“No you don’t,” said Sally. “You like really exciting rides that go way up in the sky.”
“That’s you,” said Katie. “Remember how I got sick on the Dumbo ride at Disneyland?”
“The Dumbo ride doesn’t count,” said Sally. “You only threw up cause you ate too many hot dogs. You always eat too many hot dogs at Disneyland. C’mon. Our turn is next.”
Sally went into a half-crouch like a sprinter ready to dash down the track and win a gold medal. Katie looked over her shoulder as if wishing someone would come along and rescue her.
“Now!” yelled Sally, sprinting towards the Ferris Wheel.
“Ohhhhh!” groaned Katie, jogging after her.
Sally threw herself onto a seat, nearly knocking Melvin off her shoulder. He scrambled up her long blond braid and perched on top of her head, his tiny feet clinging to her scalp.
Katie climbed in just before the seat left the ground and Sally pulled the safety bar across both of them. They slowly rose up into the air.
Katie jiggled the safety bar. “Are you sure it’s locked?”
“Course I’m sure,” said Sally, giving the bar such a hard shove that it came undone and swung out away from them.
Katie shrieked and people on the ground started yelling and pointing at them. Just as their seat reached the top of the Ferris Wheel the ride came to a sudden stop.
“Hey, you up there!” yelled a Fun Fair worker in orange coveralls. “Pull your safety bar across your laps. Now!”
Sally gave him a thumbs-up sign and plucked Melvin off her head, plopping him down in Katie’s lap. “Hold Mel for a sec. He doesn’t have his Super-Secret Invisible Parachute, and he’s not so great with heights.”
Katie clasped Melvin with shaking hands. “What are you going to do?”
“Just hang on,” said Sally. She scrunched down in her seat and stretched one leg out, trying to hook the safety bar with her toe.
“Oh Sally, don’t!” cried Katie, letting go of Melvin and trying to pull Sally back onto the seat.
“Got it!” said Sally, pulling the bar back in and re-locking it. She gave a cheerful wave to the Fun Fair worker down below, whose expression said he never wanted to see another little kid again in his life. “I’ll take Mel back now. He likes to ride on my head and scout for bad guys. I bet you can spot lots of them from way up here. I bet you can spot bad guys on the Golden Gate Bridge from here. Mel says they like to hang out on the bridge and talk about their evil plots cause no one can hear them over the traffic noise.”
“Um,” said Katie. “I don’t see Melvin. Didn’t he crawl back up on your shoulder?”
Sally patted herself all over. “No, he’s not . . . oh, wait. I see him.” She pointed down at the seat below them. “He’s up to his old tricks again, pretending to fall into stuff to test his Super-Secret Agent gear. See?”
Katie cautiously leaned forward. “Oh my gosh! He’s fallen into that lady’s tub of popcorn!”
Sally nodded. “That’s a good test. I don’t think he’s ever fallen into popcorn before.”
“It seems to be sticking to him,” said Katie, watching as the woman fished Melvin out of her popcorn. He looked like a popcorn ball with a few strands of orange fur sticking out.
Melvin’s beady black eyes blinked up at them from inside his popcorn coating.
“I must not have washed all of the cotton candy off,” said Sally. “He’s still sticky.”
The ride slowly started up again. It rotated half a turn and came to halt when Sally and Katie’s seat reached the ground.
“Off!” yelled the Fun Fair worker. “You two are a menace!”
“Yes sir,” said Katie, scrambling out.
Sally stuck her tongue out at him. “I have to get my hamster. He was on a Super-Secret mission to test the safety of your Ferris Wheel. You’re not gonna like it when you read his report. It’s not gonna be good.”
“Out!” yelled the Fun Fair worker, pointing at the exit gate. “Go bother Frank at the Merry-Go-Round.”
Sally collected Melvin from the woman with the popcorn and marched out of the Ferris Wheel gate. “The Merry-Go-Round!” she said. “As if. That for babies, not for eleven-year-olds and Super-Secret Agents.” She picked popcorn off of Melvin as she walked, attracting a pair of seagulls.
“Mel!” whispered Sally. “Don’t look now, but it’s your arch-enemies, the Sausalito Seagulls!”
Katie peered up at the birds flying low overhead. “How do you know they’re from Sausalito?”
“Cause of the evil look in their eyes,” said Sally. “The Sausalito Seagulls are the evilest of all the bird gangs.”
“The pigeons in North Beach are rude,
Robins in Oakland have attitude.
The sparrows on Nob Hill are snots,
Presidio blue jays steal tater tots.
But Sausalito seagulls are the worst,
Get them or they’ll get you first.”
Katie looked unconvinced. “You just don’t like Sausalito cause you got seasick when our class took the ferry over there last year. Remember? You barfed all over Mr. Zukas’s shoes and he had to throw them away and buy some flip flops on the pier. They didn’t have any man’s flip flops left and he had to buy girl ones. They were pink with big yellow daisies on the toes. All the fishermen on the fishing boats laughed at him. He turned as red as a lobster and yelled at us for walking too slow.”
Sally shrugged and picked the last piece of
popcorn off Melvin. “Mr. Zukas is always red as a lobster. He turned red last week just cause I spilled apple juice down his neck when he was tying his shoes. You should never tie your shoes in the cafeteria. Everyone knows that. And you don’t send someone to the principal’s office just cause they spilled apple juice. I spilled ink all over Mrs. Brownstein when we were practicing Chinese characters in art class and she didn’t send me to the principal. Mr. Zukas just doesn’t like me.”
“That’s cause you let Arnold the Iguana loose in the classroom and Arnold ate Mr. Zukas’s wallet. Arnold pooped little bits of credit cards all week.”
“I only let Arnold loose cause he was bored. Iguanas need exercise,” said Sally, shooing away a seagull hovering over them. “Arnold likes to do his dance routines every day, and his cage isn’t big enough. When he tries to samba in his cage his butt gets stuck in the water dish. It’s hard to samba when there’s a water dish stuck to your butt.”
“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you.” Darlene Trockworthy appeared in front of them, hands on her hips. Darlene was the Hesslop’s next-door neighbor. She had bleached-blonde hair, red lipstick, long red nails and wore too-tight dresses and high-heels. She liked to think of herself as Mr. Hesslop’s next girlfriend. Mr. Hesslop mostly just thought of her as a convenient baby-sitter for Sally and Sally’s little brother Robbie, who was four and liked to eat dirt.
“It’s Darlene, the queen of mean. The ugliest person I’ve ever seen,” chanted Sally.
“Watch it, you little brat,” hissed Darlene. “I hear they need grape pickers up in Napa Valley. You’d better be nice to me or I’ll ship you up there. You’ll have to sleep in the fields and eat mice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Now hop to it. Your Dad wants to go home. Robbie ate some straw that was meant for the horses pulling the carriage ride and he’s been puking ever since. I swear, you are two of the nuttiest kids I ever met in my life. Once me and your Dad are married I’m packing both of you off to the nearest boarding school. Or the nearest zoo. I bet the monkeys would think you’re a long lost cousin.”