Behind the Strings

by Courtney Giardina

  “Please,” Jesse said, gesturing for me to take it.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  I made it to the hallway only a ring away from voicemail. When he heard my voice on the other end he let out of sigh of relief.

  “I’m glad you answered,” he said.

  “Why would you think I wouldn’t?” I asked, my lips slightly trembling. Did he know where I was? Had Jesse told him he was meeting me?

  “I don’t know,” Logan said. “We left things on such a serious note. I had this weird sense just now that I needed to call you, so I did. I guess I had to still make sure we were okay.” The door to the rooftop opened as a couple left. I could hear the applause. “Where are you?” he asked curiously.

  “Oh, I’m working a story,” I said with a pang of guilt inside me. Even though I wanted to believe I had come here for a story, I knew there was more to it than that, that being here with Jesse was just as important if not more so. I was still figuring out my jumbled emotions and until I did, I felt it better to leave Jesse out of the conversation for all of our sakes.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your night. Like I said, I had this weird sense come over me and I wanted to call.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry, Logan. I’m glad you called. And we’re good, I promise.”

  “Good,” he said. “Have a good night, Celia. I’ll talk to you later.”

  I hung up with Logan and quietly made my way back inside. I grabbed my martini and took a quick sip as I lowered myself onto my seat. I had noticed Jesse was further from me now than before I left and I wondered if it was intentional.

  “So,” he said, not looking directly at me, “you and Logan, you two are…”

  “Friends,” I said. “We grew up together.”

  “There’s been a lot of talk about the two of you lately. I almost feel guilty sitting here with you.”

  I waved off the accusation and tossed down the rest of my martini. “You shouldn’t feel guilty,” I said. “Really, Logan and I are just friends.”

  “And what about you and me?” he asked. “Are we friends?”

  I smiled. A million words scrolled through my head, but the way the lights reflected off those eyes distracted me from being able to form any of them into a sentence. That may have been all the answer he needed. He reached out and placed his hand on top of mine. I figured that was enough of the interview for now and curled my fingers around his. We sat that way for the rest of the night.

  Grant played for about two hours. The lounge had emptied out after last call, but I wasn’t ready for the night to be over. Not only did I not want to say goodbye to Jesse, but I was honestly afraid of what would happen when we did.

  Jesse walked me through the parking lot to my car. This time I made sure to pay attention to where I parked. Losing it in front of Logan was one thing, but I didn’t want Jesse to learn what a flake I could be so early on. By the time we got to my car, the silence between us was deafening. I’d like to think it was because he too didn’t want to utter goodbye just as badly as I didn’t. He shifted his car to a stop and told me to hold still while he walked around to open my door for me. He held onto my hand tightly even after we were both positioned in front of it.

  “I…I had a really good time tonight,” he said.

  His body moved closer. His lips hovered just above my forehead. All night tonight it seemed I had been fumbling with words and the end of the night was no different.

  “I had a really good time too,” I said. Actually, I had had an amazing time. As I stood there in front of him, I felt dizzied by touch of his fingertips on my skin. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. The pounding heart, the shaking knees, it had taken over. I was confused, flustered, intrigued all at the same time. Before I could gather myself together, he lifted my chin up and placed his lips against mine. He pulled away only for a second before he slid his hands around my waist to pull me into him. This time his lips pressed firmly against mine and lingered there for what didn’t seem like long enough. When I opened my eyes to look at him one last time, I could’ve sworn I was floating.

  My kiss with Logan flashed through my head as Jesse pulled away. Not because it was so similar to what had just happened, but because it was all so different. The way I yearned for Jesse’s lips before they had even touched mine. The way my body shivered at his touch. I had hugged Logan hundreds of times. I had spent nights asleep on his shoulder, wrapped in his arms, and yet from Jesse’s very first touch I felt something unlike any of those times. Something more. Logan made me feel safe. He comforted me, but Jesse, Jesse made me feel alive. He made me feel wanted. And at the same time that it awoke a spark inside of me, it also scared me to death.

  21

  I woke up exhausted on Thursday morning. I could not drift into any sort of oblivion the night before. Part of it was because I wanted to relive Jesse’s lips on mine over and over again and part of it was because I had a feeling that kiss was going to affect more than the two of us. What would Logan think if he found out? Was it wrong? Was I a terrible person? It’s all I could think about as I slunk into work. I had thought about it so much while trying to write that I found it hidden in between words and had to go back multiple times to proof all I had written.

  I was about to bust at the seams by the time Jaycie had come in from her morning interview. She had been texting my phone nonstop since before Jesse and I had even ended the night, but none of it would sound right via a text, so I told her she’d have to wait to hear it in person. She threw her notebook down on her desk as she past it, arriving out of breath at my desk.

  “Okay, let’s hear it,” she said.

  My smile grew with every part of the story I told. I think my voice even squeaked when I talked about him reaching for my hand. I grabbed Jaycie’s forearms as I whispered all the details of the kiss. The way he held onto my hand as long as he could after I sat in my car. How we stared through my window and smiled at each other, almost knowing we were thinking the same thing. That we wished there was a way to hold onto that moment forever.

  Her high-pitched squeals of excitement made all of the office turn towards us. She winced and mouthed an apology, then turned back toward me for more. She leaned in closer with each line I told.

  “Celia has a boy-friend,” she sang tauntingly, like a second-grader.

  “I do not,” I said, slapping her arm.

  “But you like him?”

  “I liked kissing him,” I laughed.

  “And do you plan on kissing him again?”

  I shrugged. Jaycie shook her head. Although she too thought it was funny she must have known where this was going. He was a musician. I didn’t even have to say it out loud, just the thought of it stung. In my mind musicians equal pain. They bring heartbreak and loneliness.

  “Well, maybe it’s time you give someone a chance to show you that you’re wrong,” she said.

  “I’m not wrong,” I said, “and even if I was, what about Logan?” I asked. “What do I do about that?”

  “Do you remember the way you felt when you kissed Logan?” she asked. I nodded. “How about the way you felt when you kissed Jesse?”

  I didn’t answer, but the smile that crossed my face said it all.

  “Look, I know you love Logan, but you’re not in love with Logan. If you were, I don’t think we’d be having this conversation. I know you’re scared. I know there is more to your past and your story than I really understand and I’m sure you have a logical reason to be, but Celia, if you could’ve seen yourself just now. The way your eyes lit up and your smile widened with every detail of last night, it’s obvious there is something there with Jesse. Something that I believe is worth at least exploring.” She paused, probably to survey my reaction. “So, I’m going to ask you again. Are you going to see Jesse again?”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said.

  “Don’t think about it. That’s what gets you in trouble, you think too much. Stop letting your head g
et in the way and for once listen to what your heart wants.”

  There were a million reasons why listening to my heart was a bad idea. I tried to say them out loud for Jacyie to understand, but each time she shut them down. She said it was time for me to stop overanalyzing and thinking the worst of every situation. That I just needed to let what would happen happen.

  22

  The weekend came and went and another was arriving. It had been over a week since I last saw Jesse and I couldn’t tell Jaycie for fear of a riot, but I was doing my best to avoid him. We had talked a bit since that night, but every time he had asked about my plans, I made sure I always sounded busy. My heart was not winning this battle. My head had spent many years leading the way and it continued to do so. My heart was not winning this battle. No matter how bad I might have actually wanted to see Jesse, I couldn’t.

  I tried to push it to the back of my mind long enough to slide a pair of translucent orange earrings on and hand-iron my strapless dress as I stood in front of my bedroom mirror. It was Friday night and Logan was back in town. I received an invite a few days ago to a dinner party he was throwing at a new restaurant nearby. His name was on it, of course, but I knew better than to think he’d actually be planning it. When it came to parties, the only kind that Logan preferred to coordinate had to include a keg and a ping-pong table. His publicist Ivy was the obvious hand in this cookie jar, but either way it would be good to see him, and I needed a good night out anyway.

  There was a plus-one on the invite I received, and that usually fell on Jaycie, but she couldn’t make it this time. Even though there were a few weak moments where I thought about asking Jesse, I decided against it. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that he would’ve received his own invitation. Not until I was already inside with a cold glass of liquor in my hand did I realize how small of a place Nashville really was. It was a Friday night, the list of bars to hang out at was never-ending, and yet as I rested my elbow on the bar and turned toward the crowd I realized that out of them the bars in town, Jesse was in the same one as I.

  Our eyes locked almost immediately and if I were to turn away now I knew I’d make it obvious that I was avoiding him so instead I gave a slight wave on top of a friendly smile and turned back toward the bar. Of course that wouldn’t be the end of it; not in my life. He waited a bit, I’d like to think as long as he could stand it, then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

  “You look amazing,” he said.

  “Thanks.”

  I could tell by the way his eyes wandered that he was just as uncomfortable as I was. He wanted to say something significant, but the silence was too much to handle, so instead he kept blurting out random questions. “How was your day?” “Who are you here with?” “What are your plans for the rest of the weekend? We made small talk for a good twenty minutes before Logan and Ivy requested everyone’s attention.

  “On behalf of Logan, I want to thank everyone for being here tonight,” she began. “This is a very special occasion and a little surprise celebration, actually, for our man over here.”

  Logan gradually put one foot in front of the other as she waved him over. I could tell by the look on his face that he truly was surprised at whatever it was she was about to say. He had both hands stuffed deep in his pockets. That was always the case when we were growing up. It was a habit I had told him he needed to break. It’s how his mom always knew when he took the car without asking or stayed out past curfew.

  “It was really hard to keep this secret until now. So many of you standing here today have worked so hard to make this happen, but as of this coming Sunday, Logan, you officially have the number one song on country radio.”

  It was an instantaneous reaction, almost involuntary. I turned to Jesse and squeezed his forearms with all my might. My mouth shot open as if I wanted to scream, but nothing came out. I stood there, watching his body jolt at the reaction of my own.

  “Oh my gosh!” I said.

  “He is the man!” Jesse said, sounding genuinely excited.

  I threw my arms around Jesse while the rest of the room continued to applaud.

  “I’m sorry,” I said as I removed myself from his grasp, “I guess I got carried away.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry,” Jesse said, “we’re all happy for him.”

  I took a few steps back and listened to Logan as he started to address the room. I snapped a few quick pictures as he thanked everyone he could think of, including me, and when he was done he made his way over so I could hug him. We both squealed and I hung there in mid-air for some time before he let me down. Jesse reached out his hand in between us for Logan to shake.

  After the congratulations were over the deafening silence fell upon us again. I could tell and the way Jesse swayed from side to side made it obvious he could as well, it seemed the tension between the two of us was rather apparent no matter how hard we tried for it not to be.

  “Everything okay over here?” Logan asked.

  Jesse and I interrupted each other as we both tried to convince him it was. He nodded his head, patted us both on the shoulders and told us to have another round while he made his way through the crowd.

  “Look, Celia,” Jesse started once Logan had walked away, “I don’t want things to be weird between us. It’s okay if you aren’t into this.”

  “Oh Jesse, that’s not it at all. Look…my life is really complicated.”

  “With Logan?”

  I looked over in the direction his head turned. Logan was in the midst of a group conversation, but I could see him glancing over in our direction out of the corner of his eye.

  “No, it’s not Logan, I promise,” I said. “And I had a really great time the other night.”

  “Then I don’t understand.”

  “This terrifies me. Relationships, dating, guys, love, all of it.”

  “Listen,” he said as he took my hand in his, “I’m not asking you to marry me. I don’t plan on getting down on one knee tomorrow, but I would like to get to know you better. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and well, that’s a lot coming from a guy like me.”

  “A guy like you?” I asked.

  “Can we go outside for a minute? I’d like to talk about this, but not here.”

  I was hesitant at first. Then I looked at everyone standing around us. They were all immersed in business like conversation. Clearly it wasn’t the place to be having a conversation like this. I nodded, but followed far enough behind him as not to make it obvious we were going anywhere together.

  “So, a guy like you?” I asked again once the door to the bar door shut behind us.

  “This world we live in, music? It’s not like any other. It’s not a 9-to-5, always-home-for-dinner, straight-and-narrow kind of life. It’s hard to find people who understand that. And when you think you’ve found them, you realize they only want you because they’re infatuated with this fantasy they’ve created in their head of what could be. They want the bright lights, the red carpets, and the fancy cars. They only want to be there while you’re on top, and when you haven’t gotten a gig in a while and you don’t know how you’re going to pay your rent at the end of the month and the glamor they thought they signed up for is gone, they’re walking out the door, leaving you to pick up the pieces. You don’t know who you can trust. Not everyone has the best of intentions, but you, Celia, you love music the way I do. I see the passion for it in your eyes. You get it. You give me a reason to believe something real is still out there.”

  “The glamor…some people, they can’t live without it. I’m sorry that you know what that feels like,” I said, staring at him blankly.

  “It’s taught me to hold on to the loyal ones, that’s all. I’m a little leery now, but I haven’t lost all faith yet.” The way his voice rose at the end of that sentence I could tell he was trying to lighten things up, but his words were all too real to me. My mind was clouded with the sadness and tears of my mother that I had seen countless times. She was never anything b
ut alone, and even through the strength that she always showed me, I could see the pain.

  “Music for me is a double-edged sword,” I said, looking down. “I’ve never loved anything more, but it’s also the one thing that has caused me an incredible amount of pain.” I felt a single tear stream down my cheek.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” he said, reaching out to console me. I felt his hands fold around mine, but I couldn’t let him continue to see me like this. I was fighting back sadness in my eyes and I needed to get out of there. I pulled away.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “Celia…” his voiced raised as I walked away from him.

  I pulled the door back open and went inside. Jesse didn’t follow. He stood there in the back parking lot and watched me go. I couldn’t handle anymore of tonight. I scanned the bar until I found Logan. He had just finished up a conversation with his manager by the time I got to him. I hugged him again as a couple cameras flashed in our direction.

  “I’m so proud of you,” I said to him.

  “Thank you. And thank you for coming tonight. It means a lot to me.”

  It was a moment I knew he had dreamed of pretty much his whole life. All the stages, the road trips, the late-night songwriting sessions and guitar lessons all led up to this. With all the years we spent apart I was glad I was able to be here for it. That smile wouldn’t be leaving his face anytime soon. I, on other hand, was leaving his party and I hoped he could understand.

  “Are you sure everything’s okay?” he asked.

  “Absolutely. I’ve been working a lot of late hours and I think it’s catching up to me, that’s all. I’m exhausted.”

  “All right,” he said, hugging me goodbye, “I’ll check on you in the morning. Be careful getting home.”