“Hi,” I said, craning my head back. Today I was wearing ballet flats which meant I needed to strain my neck to look up at him.
“How are you?” he asked.
“I’m hanging in there."
He smiled at me and I felt my chest tighten. A lump grew in my throat as I thought about how much I missed him. I missed our nightly phone calls and waking up next to him. I missed the way he held my hand and opened doors for me. I wanted to tell him all of that while we were standing there, but I knew neither of us were ready for that yet.
“So how are things with you?” I asked.
“Good. Really good.” He said. I tried to swallow that lump in my throat, but it grew bigger after that comment. Jesse was doing really good without me. “Jackson’s Soul, we’re going on a Midwest tour come the new year.”
“Congratulations,” I said. I was truly happy for him. “That’s great news.”
“Yeah, it is. Exciting stuff.”
Things between us felt so different now. He was still smiling, but it didn’t carry the same glow it had before. His eyes couldn’t look at mine and the usual excitement our conversations had was no longer there. I could tell by the way he shifted back and forth how uncomfortable he felt standing there. A long awkward silence was interrupted when Jaycie walked out the door of the coffee shop.
“Hello, Jesse,” Jaycie said.
“Hey, Jaycie, how are you?” he asked.
“I’m fine. Celia, we should probably get going. We have a meeting at two and you know Frankie hates when we’re late.”
“Yeah, she really hates it.”
We didn’t have a meeting and I didn’t want to go. I wanted Jesse to keep talking so I could hear his voice. I wanted to think of something clever to say so that he would laugh. I wanted to grab his hand so I could feel his touch. The tightness of my chest was still there as I thought about saying goodbye.
“Well, it was good to see you both,” Jesse said.
“You too. Goodbye, Jesse,” Jaycie said.
“Goodbye,” I said softly.
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. My hands were shaking. Jaycie wrapped her arm around me and I leaned into her to steady myself. I hate this. I hurt so bad.
“You okay?” Jaycie asked.
“No, but I will be.”
She tilted her head to mine. “Yeah, you will.”
49
I hadn’t felt well at all after my run-in with Jesse. It hit me that night after I got home. I felt extremely dizzy. Jaycie said it was most likely because I was anxious and stressed. She told me to go home and take a hot bath, so I did.
The next morning, I was still dizzy and couldn’t even grab a morning coffee from Soulful Grinds because the aroma from all the way on my front porch made me nauseous. When I walked into work, the first thing out of Jaycie’s mouth was “you do not look good at all.” I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was pale as a ghost. The bags under my eyes had grown tremendously from the night before. I patted my face with a cool paper towel and returned to my desk.
“You need to eat something,” Jaycie said. “Here, take this.” She handed me a chocolate chip muffin she had snagged from the break room.
“Get that away from me,” I said, disgusted at the sight of it.
I covered my nose and mouth, but it was too late. I turned down the hallway and ran back into the bathroom. Jaycie followed closely behind me, holding my hair back as I heaved the remnants of nothing into the toilet.
“Maybe you have the flu,” Jaycie said as I stood from my knees.
“It’s definitely a possibility,” I said. “I have been overly exhausted lately.”
I splashed more cold water on my face and grabbed a paper towel to dab off the mascara from underneath my eyes. I almost poked my eye out as Jaycie reached over and grabbed my arm. She turned to look at me with a look of shock on her face.
“Are you pregnant?”
“What? No, I’m not pregnant.”
“Are you sure?”
I was very sure. It was completely impossible. Well, I guess it’s never impossible, but there was no way I could be. Right? I grabbed my stomach as I did the night Logan called to tell me about the newest gossip surrounding us. Now all I could do was shake my head and try to catch my breath. I counted back the days one by one, trying to remember the last time I had gotten my period. I counted over and over again. I’m pretty sure it was after Chicago, but the timing eluded me.
“Oh my god,” I said, “I can’t remember. I really can’t remember.”
“Well, don’t panic,” Jaycie said, “I’m not a doctor. And you’ve been really stressed, you haven’t been eating…there are a lot of things that this could be.”
“Right, you’re right.”
It’d been about a month since Logan had confessed his love to me. I’d been overly stressed since then and had spent the last two weeks crying constantly from the fallout. I hadn’t eaten much. Even at Thanksgiving, all the food I usually look forward to, I spent more time poking at it than eating it. Mama was lucky I ate as many bites of those scones as I did. It was very possible that this was all catching up to me. I mean, we used condoms, we were careful.
“Just to be sure,” Jaycie said, “I think you should take a sick day, go home and…well, pee on a stick and pray to everything that’s holy.”
I did as Jaycie said. I walked out of the office, picked up a pregnancy test at a drug store, and drove home. At every stoplight I would look over at the plastic bag next to me, the one that held the fateful test. When I finally pulled up to the house I squeezed it tightly in my hands and walked quickly down the sidewalk. My legs trembled with each step I took closer to the door. I fumbled with the key a few times before I was finally able to turn the lock and walk inside.
I looked at myself in the mirror as I held the test in my hand. I had to do it. Mostly so I could let out a huge sigh of relief and be able to rule out this option. I wasn’t pregnant, I couldn’t be.
“Let’s do this,” I said.
As I’m sure many girls before me had done, I sat down awkwardly, making sure I had the right angle until I was finished. Then I set it on top of the box on the counter and didn’t look back at it. I set the alarm on my phone and placed it next to the test. This was going to be the hardest two minutes of my life. There were so many questions circling as the time passed. Would I make a good mother? Was I ready for this? Was Jesse ready for this? What would he say? How would he react? I was so dizzied by all the thoughts that it took me awhile to realize the pounding in my head was actually coming from a knocking at the front door.
The clock was counting down the seconds until I found out whether or not my life would change forever, if I would soon be responsible for another being in this world. I wanted so badly to look. To see if any lines were forming, but I couldn’t, I just watched the numbers tick away so painfully slow. With still over a minute left the knock came again. I threw my head back. Of all the times someone chose to stop over, why now?
Whoever it was, they were going to have to wait. I had to focus. I had to breathe. It was almost time. I walked out to my bedroom and sunk onto the bed. I thought about the last few months and how they all lead me to right here. To these mere seconds that I had left. I found my best friend again and then lost him. I fell for a guy who gave me a reason to believe in happiness and he was gone. All of our lives had changed that night on my front porch, and I had been naïve enough to think that would be the end of it, but I was wrong. If there was a baby, this would be just the beginning. If there wasn’t, there were still three people that had suffered loss and were trying to figure out how to rebuild their lives around it. Life no matter what was never going to be the same.
The sound of the alarm pierced through me. I blinked myself back into reality. I stood up and walked slowly through the bathroom door, holding that last thought. Life no matter what was never going to be the same. How different it would be though, depended on that tes
t that lay in front of me on the counter. I reached for it and pulled it toward me. This was it. The truth was in my hands. All I had to do now was look down to find it.
THE END
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Acknowledgements
This book had many different story lines before I finally settled on Celia, Logan and Jesse. It was certainly a journey, but one I refused to give up on. I wanted to write a love story surrounding a world I am so passionate about and certainly owe a big debt of gratitude to so many people for its completion.
A big thank you to Katelyn for sharing her country music passion and blogger knowledge with me so that I could develop Celia’s job and character into a realistic personality. To Alison, my music partner in crime. Our epic concert adventures helped me to understand the fans, the behind the scenes and the artists at all different levels. Sue for letting me borrow your guitar to create a unique, one-of-a-kind vision for the front cover. Deevo for capturing the perfect photo for the cover. To all of my beta readers: Stephanie, Danielle, Kayla, Sandy and Amy who helped me with the direction of the story and gladly took time out of their day to share their opinions before the final draft was put into process. Kylene for all of your thoughts on the story, the book cover and for the amazing idea to take a picture of my own. To my amazing editor Harry for your thoughtful input and amazing editing skills. Justin, for always making my vision come to life. Jessica, you always make sure I stay on task and never let me quit in anything I do. You encourage all of my dreams including this novel no matter how far apart we are. My review group. And last but certainly not least, to all of my readers, family and friends who continue to read my novels. It is your continued support that keeps me writing. I am forever grateful to you all.
About Courtney
Courtney Giardina is a Webster, NY native turned southern belle. Her love of country music is what inspired her to write Behind the Strings. Her favorite song is “That Ain’t My Truck” by Rhett Akins and following in a close second is “Cruise” by Florida Georgia Line. This is her third novel and it is the first in a two book series. Courtney is currently working hard on the sequel. When she’s not writing she loves to travel, dance and of course attend live country music concerts.
You can find Courtney on Twitter or Instagram @sweetangeleyz.
Read more from Courtney
Tear Stained Beaches
Holding on to Georgia
www.courtneygiardina.com
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