by Soraya Lane
Nate walked away, because he didn’t need anyone seeing him like this, seeing the way he couldn’t deal with what was going on in his own head. Didn’t need to relive what had happened, not again. He already did that every time he shut his eyes.
“Nate.” Sarah was in front of him again, blocking his path, the gentle way she said his name making him turn.
Then she did something he really hadn’t seen coming. She thrust her arms around his neck, pulling him in tight for an embrace he was powerless to evade. Held him like he hadn’t been held since the last time he’d seen his mom, the kind of hug that forced his body to relax and be comforted. The kind of hug that would once have made him feel loved.
“You’re home, Nate,” she whispered in his ear. “You’re home and you need to remember that. Home is where the heart is, and that’s right here on this ranch with your family.”
He didn’t know if it was the smell or feel of Sarah in his arms, the safeness of being cocooned by her, or just being held by another human being, but Nate was fighting a losing battle.
When she tipped back, looked up at him for the briefest of moments before pulling away, he did something he’d thought about for longer than he could remember. Something that he’d never forgotten, a memory he’d never let go.
Nate reached out to stop her, his palm tucked to the back of her head, holding her in place. And then he kissed her. Brought his mouth toward hers before she had a second to see it coming, to resist him, and touched his lips to hers.
Sarah sighed into his mouth, slipped her hands around his waist, pillowy lips brushing like the softest of feathers against his. Mouths grazing together in the most gentle, intimate of dances. Until she pulled back like she’d only just realized what had happened.
“This doesn’t mean I forgive you,” Sarah said in a low voice, slowly removing her hands from his waist and crossing her arms across her chest instead.
Nate swallowed hard and looked down at Sarah. She looked tiny yet brave at the same time, stronger than he’d probably ever given her credit for. He wished he could snatch her hands back and plant them on his hips again, but he fisted his own hands at his sides instead.
“For the record, I don’t forgive you, either.” And he didn’t, it was true. Forgiving her or not had nothing to do with kissing her. That was something he’d needed to do, and it had sure taken his mind off everything else that had been troubling him.
“I think we should head back,” Sarah told him, angling with her head over at Jess’s house. They had walked a short distance away, but even in the pitch-black the house was clearly visible. Lights illuminating every window, glowing as if inviting them to enter.
It was the sort of homely scene that should have tugged him back into the life he’d once yearned for. The life that he’d imagined going back to once he’d served his country, before everything had changed forever.
Nate tried not to let his pain show as he walked beside Sarah. Sometimes it was the pain within him, the pressure in his head, the stabbing betrayal and loneliness that constantly hurt him, far worse than the physical pain in his leg.
“So are you here riding again tomorrow?” Nate asked Sarah, needing to break the silence more to get away from his own thoughts than to fill the air around them with words.
Sarah smiled, shyly, and he knew she’d be blushing if only he could see her cheeks. It was dark now, but still light enough that he could make out her features.
“It’s summer vacation for me, so I’ll be riding as much as I can over the next month.”
Nate nodded. “You love being a teacher as much as you always thought you would?” He’d always remember how much Sarah loved children, how she’d always wanted to be a teacher in their small town, taking all the younger ones under her wing. Children had always flocked to her like a honeybee to pollen.
“It can be hard work, probably harder than I ever thought it would be, but there’s nothing more rewarding that I could imagine doing,” she told him, walking faster than before.
Nate laughed, finally starting to relax in her company. “All you’re missing are the four kids of your own, right?”
The smile fell from his face as Sarah’s arms wrapped around herself again. She didn’t make eye contact, acted like she hadn’t even heard what he’d said, or like he’d said something he should have kept to himself.
“I’m sorry,” he said, running a hand back and forth through his hair. What the hell had he been thinking, saying something like that? “Just because Todd wasn’t the one doesn’t mean you won’t have everything you dreamed of one day, Sarah.”
She faced him, stopping just ahead of him, a tight smile greeting him as he watched her face. “Not everything turns out the way we want, Nate. We both know that.”
Nate tried not to grind his teeth, tried to ignore the discomfort of what they were suddenly talking about even as it drilled through his body. Once, there were so many things he’d have said to Sarah. So many things he would have apologized for, promises he could have made. But not now. Once, he’d have known why his words had stung her like they so obviously had, too.
“You’re right,” he said, instead of any of the other thoughts going through his mind. “It was nice seeing you again, Sarah. If you wouldn’t mind telling Jess for me that I’ve called it a night, I’d really appreciate it.”
He continued to stare at her face, seeing the hurt that he was powerless to do anything about.
“Goodbye, Nate.” Sarah shook her head, just the barest of motions, but she didn’t turn away.
But he did. Before she told him something he didn’t want to hear, or he said something he’d only regret later. Nate walked away, knowing that he needed to get back to the guesthouse, to be alone to deal with what he needed to think through.
Alone.
He repeated the word in his mind until he heard Sarah walk away, too.
* * *
Sarah fiddled with her keys. She’d been jangling them in her palm since she’d left the house, and now she was standing beside her car trying to make a decision she shouldn’t even be considering.
What was it about Nate Calhoun that still made her twist up in knots like this?
Sarah sighed and decided to drive as close as she could to his place and walk the rest of the way. She had a piece of cake wrapped up that she wanted to give him, since he’d missed dessert, and for some reason she wasn’t sure that he was in the right frame of mind to be left alone.
He wasn’t her problem anymore, but she still wanted to help. Because she knew what it was like to be left, to deal with secrets and feel like there was no one in the world who would understand. She needed to keep swallowing her anger, wait until the right time to confront him with her pain, with her questions. And that time wasn’t now.
Sarah parked her car less than a minute’s drive away from Jess’s place, and walked quickly toward the small house Nate was staying in. There was only one room illuminated in the dark, the window coverings pulled to mute the light, but still enough for her to see the way.
What would he be doing? Watching television, reading a book, staring into space?
Sarah summoned all the courage she could muster and raised her hand to knock on the door. There was no answer. She tapped again, harder this time, wishing the door wasn’t made of solid timber so she could look in and see if he was there. Peer in and make sure she’d made the right decision in coming here instead of driving to the safety of home. As far away from Nate as possible.
She went to knock again before the door was flung back, nearly sending her spiraling forward into the house.
“What do you...?” Nate’s angry question trailed off when he saw her.
Sarah stared at him, unsure what to say. He’d been crying. Nate had been crying. The same Nate who she’d never seen cry in all the years she’d known him. H
is eyes were bloodshot as he swiped his face with the back of his hand, trying to remove any evidence of the tears she’d seen sticking to his skin.
“Nate, if this is a bad time...” she managed.
His dark laugh sent shivers across her skin. “It’s always a bad time for me lately.”
She wondered who he’d thought it was when he’d opened the door as angry as a disturbed, hibernating bear. But she knew that if he truly wanted to be left alone, if he enjoyed being locked away from the world as much as he was pretending to, then he never would have answered the door.
Sarah held out the piece of cake. “I just came past to give you this on my way home.”
Nate took the dessert, raised his eyes and stood back from the door. “Good night, Sarah. Thanks.”
She walked backward and jumped slightly as the door shut. What the hell was she doing? Nate was crying and she hadn’t even tried to comfort him.
Sarah marched back up to the house with a determination she’d thought had long departed. She went to knock, changed her mind and swung the door open instead.
It was warm inside, that was the first thing she noticed when she stepped in, until...oh, my.
Nate’s head was in his hands, his shoulders hunched, body crumpled like it was broken. Sarah took a deep breath and crossed the room, falling gently into the sofa beside him. She tucked one arm around his shoulders, hugging him tight.
“Go away, Sarah.” His voice was muffled, strained, as he tried to push her away.
“I’m not leaving you, Nate,” she told him, pulling him tighter.
He shook his head, face still hidden by his hands. “I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to see me like this,” he mumbled.
Sarah resisted the urge to touch his hair, to run her fingers through it or trace the edge of his face and pull his hands away. Instead, she stayed still and took a deep breath.
“Nate, you can’t keep doing this alone.”
“After what I did to you, why do you even care?” He raised his face, straightened his shoulders and looked at her. He’d cried so much that she could see a damp line across the top of his T-shirt, his eyes still full of tears she’d interrupted, waiting to fall but instead left in residence against his dark lashes.
“Just because I care doesn’t mean I have any interest in you romantically,” Sarah told him, trying her hardest to keep her voice even. Technically, her response to their kiss earlier would prove her a liar, but she wasn’t ever going to admit how good it had been to get up close and personal to her former flame again. “Yeah, I’m still angry with you, Nate, but right now that’s not what’s important.”
Nate stared at her, like he was questioning her without saying anything.
“I need you to leave.”
“No,” she replied defiantly.
He fell back into the sofa. “Why? Why won’t you just leave me the hell alone?”
Sarah bent forward and wrapped her arms around the man she’d once thought she’d marry. “Because you’re stubborn and you need a hug and someone to talk to.”
Nate laughed. Despite the terror and heartache she’d seen in his eyes when she’d first walked in, and the pain she could see within him still, he laughed at her.
“Can we skip the talking and just drink coffee instead?”
Sarah let go of him and edged her bottom backward, her fingers curling against the edge of the fabric beneath her. “How about I get that coffee brewing?” she suggested.
Nate looked as unsure as she felt, although she doubted his insides were flipping as fast as hers were. Like her stomach was a pancake being turned constantly in a frying pan.
She had no idea why she was here, why she was torturing herself with Nate’s company. Because they were never going to have a second chance, and she was never going to have the future she’d dreamed of, with or without him.
“Nate?” Sarah asked as she rose.
“Yeah?”
“You can still tell me to leave if you don’t want me here.” Sarah kept her eyes down, not looking up until his fingers hooked under her chin, forcing her to look at him. At the man she’d thought only moments earlier was broken but who now looked like life was slowly seeping back into him, his gaze brooding and fierce.
“Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you’re exactly what I need right now.”
Sarah jumped up, broke the contact before she had the chance to relax into his hold.
“Good, then I’ll get that coffee we talked about.”
* * *
Nate watched as Sarah crossed the small living area and stepped into his kitchen. She still took his breath away. Even a war-hardened cynic like him couldn’t deny how beautiful she was. But he needed to block out any thoughts of why he found Sarah so attractive, because that kind of thinking was going to get him nowhere fast.
“Where’s your dog tonight?” Nate had no idea why he was thinking about her animal, but he didn’t want her neglecting her dog for his sake.
“In the car,” she called back.
He watched her move the coffee cups closer to the fridge, before reaching in and pouring milk into each one.
“I guess you better go get him, then.”
Sarah laughed at him, her entire face changing as she clearly tried to stop herself from making fun of him. “Are you sure about that? I’m not convinced you two got off to the best start this morning.”
Nate glared at her, but the plain simple truth was that her being here was already helping. Had somehow pulled him clear of the darkness he’d been falling headfirst into when she’d opened his door.
“How about you go get him, then? Have some bonding time together, work out your issues,” she suggested, still grinning.
Nate headed for the door, wishing he could think of something to say back, a joke even, but struggling. He felt better, but still not himself, if he even knew who he was anymore. Sarah had just seen him at rock bottom, or maybe not true rock bottom when he considered where he’d been these past few months, but bad enough for him to feel embarrassed about what she’d witnessed before.
He’d never let anyone see him cry before, not like that. Not ever. But maybe the only way he was going to get better was to let someone in.
Nate kept walking, spotted her car as his eyes adjusted to the dark. But with his head full of thoughts about the woman in his house, about what he could talk to her about and what he couldn’t, he didn’t hear the person creeping up on him until it was too late.
The crunch of a footfall, too close for him to avoid, made his body tense. His muscles screamed, senses heightened as he switched from hunted to predator.
Nate spun in a deadly turn and grabbed his attacker, all in one swift motion. He was blinded by desperation, not prepared for the neck he clasped in one hand to feel so smooth, for the body to be so light as he swung it to the ground and landed astride his attacker.
Damn!
“Sarah, I’m sorry. Oh, my God, oh, no, Sarah...” Nate removed his hand from her neck like a snake had bitten him. What the hell had he done? Tear-filled eyes looked up at him, the terror on her face so obvious Nate could hardly breathe. “Sarah, Sarah...” he choked out her name.
“Nate,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.” It didn’t sound like her voice, was so meek he wouldn’t have recognized it if he hadn’t been staring straight into her eyes.
“You’re sorry?” he whispered back, forcing his legs from either side of her, before crouching and collecting her to him like she was the most precious of dolls. “I could have killed you, Sarah. I’m...” He kept all the expletives locked in his mouth.
“It’s okay, Nate. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that.”
He could feel her body shaking, like a leaf trembling in the worst of a winter’s storm. “Please don’t tell me
what I did to you just now is anything close to okay.” He took a deep breath, forcing himself to keep his feet planted in the soil beneath him. Nate gently, so gently, touched her throat with his thumb, stroking it. “How bad does it hurt?”
She wrapped her palm around the delicate skin at her neck, forcing his hand to drop away. “It’ll be fine. Honestly, Nate, I’ll be fine. You let go pretty quickly.”
Nate was listening but he wasn’t. There was no way any part of this was fine, or that she wouldn’t be traumatized by what he could have, what he had, done to her just now. She was brave, he’d give her that, but she was also stupid not to be angry with him.
Nate turned away and took another deep breath, trying to deal with the situation as a soldier, not as a messed-up guy who’d just flattened an innocent woman. A woman he’d once loved. He wanted to tell her that he needed a moment, that he needed to be left alone to think, but what he needed to do was pick up the pieces of what he’d done, to make sure Sarah was as okay as she was claiming to be. Even if all he wanted was to run.
“Let’s get your dog and then take you back inside,” he suggested, trying hard to keep his voice even, to not let any of the anger surging through his body infiltrate his tone.
Sarah nodded, but she didn’t move closer to him until he put his arm around her, forced himself to touch her even though he was terrified of holding her close. “I would never hurt you, Sarah. I am so, so sorry.” Nate blew out a big breath.
She relaxed and let her head rest against him, like she was trying to prove that she wasn’t frightened. “I only wanted to give you my keys,” she said, producing them from her pocket. “I locked Moose in.”
Nate took the keys from her and steered her toward the car, sucking back a breath and forcing himself to say something to ease the tension he’d caused. “I hope that dog didn’t see what happened back there, otherwise he might eat me alive.”
Sarah laughed, but from the nervous trill of noise she made, Nate knew she was feeling as on edge as he was. He could have seriously hurt her back then, and then what would he have done?