by Soraya Lane
CHAPTER SIX
NATE chugged back another glass of water in an attempt to leech any remaining alcohol out of his system. He wasn’t convinced it was working, but he hoped a walk around the ranch would do him some good. Take his mind off the pounding ache of his mind working overtime, and give him some time to think about how the hell he’d gone from miserable and unable to talk to anyone around him, to opening up to Sarah and ending up asleep with her on his sofa.
He was still miserable. How could he not be? If it wasn’t his leg giving him grief it was the memory of what he’d seen, the reality of the life he’d lived up until now.
His nostrils felt like they were burning, and his eyeballs, too. So much smoke, so many rounds fired...it was like dreaming of hell and not being able to wake. But he knew it was reality, because the screaming of his muscles from carrying the heavy frame of his friend was too real to be a nightmare.
Nate wished he could run, to see if he could somehow escape his mind when it raced off like that back into the past, but all he could do was limp. And wish to hell he’d have done something to save his friend’s life before letting things go so far.
He glared down at his leg like it was to blame for what had happened. It was a constant daily reminder of what had happened, the bullet fragments that couldn’t be removed stuck there forever.
What he needed was a horse to ride, and he knew exactly who to ask for one. If Johnny would lend him a mount for a couple of hours, maybe he’d stop feeling so helpless and sorry for himself. At least he could still ride—he’d figured that out when Sarah had insisted he haul himself up in the saddle the day before.
Nate walked as straight as he could down to the home field where he knew he’d find the man he was looking for, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop his fingers from finding a now-crumpled piece of paper buried deep in his pocket. A letter he’d been sent when he’d first arrived back in the States, passed to him by his superior and with him ever since.
Lucy. His friend’s wife, and the woman he’d been meaning to contact ever since the full military funeral he’d attended in his best friend’s honor. Then, he’d been on crutches and a complete mess, barely able to say a word let alone recount what had happened to the grieving widow. But now he knew he owed her at least a phone call, to answer her questions and tell her how sorry he was. To do his best to tell her how much she had meant to the man he’d trusted with his life on so many occasions over the past four years. How much Jimmy had meant to him, too.
Only picking up the phone wasn’t going to be easy. Because Nate knew that if he’d intervened, if he’d done what his gut had told him was right, then Jim might still be alive today. He might not be remembered as a hero, he might have serious issues to deal with and be pretty messed up, but he might be alive if Nate had spoken up and done something.
Instead, he’d lied for the man who’d been his best friend. And that lie had cost him his life.
* * *
Sarah had never been so pleased she’d worn makeup into town. She always made an effort to look nice, but today she’d worn a pink polo shirt that she’d never even taken the tags off before. Usually her riding attire consisted of a favorite T-shirt and worn jeans, but knowing there was a possibility of seeing Nate when she returned to the Calhoun ranch had made her spend longer getting ready than usual.
She stayed sitting in her car as she watched a familiar figure walk out of Nan’s Bunk’n’Grill. The woman beside him wasn’t so familiar, probably because she’d been shuddering with rage the one time she’d seen them together, but her husband sure was. Soon to be ex-husband, she corrected.
What was Todd doing back here with her? He was only supposed to be coming back to gather the remainder of his things and have a discussion with her over their settlement and divorce. There’d never been any mention of him bringing his fiancée, and he’d told her he wouldn’t be arriving until late in the day and driving back the same night.
So long as he was still okay with her keeping the house and him taking everything else, though, she wasn’t going to be complaining. But both of them here? Her head was still killing her and her stomach was worse than delicate. She didn’t need to be dealing with any of this right now, not when she was trying so hard to make a fresh start.
Seeing them together was only going to add to her nausea. And it wasn’t because she still loved him, or that she was bitter about being lied to, because truth be told she’d known for a long time that her marriage wasn’t working—that Todd wasn’t right for her—but she’d been too darn loyal to make the decision to leave him when she’d thought he loved her.
She was upset because of the damn baby bump his new girlfriend was sporting. When all she’d ever wanted was a family, when she’d tried with Todd ever since their wedding night to conceive.
And now he was about to become a dad and she was never going to become a mom. Not with him, not with anyone else. Not ever.
A tap on her window sent her sky-high, fingers clasping the steering wheel as if it was going to save her from an intruder.
Sarah looked sideways and saw it was only Mrs. Sanders. An older woman she’d known since childhood, bending down and looking in at her like whatever she wanted to talk about couldn’t wait a moment.
She plucked her bag from the seat, glanced at Todd walking down the road away from her and opened her door.
“Hi, Mrs. Sanders. How are you?” Sarah did her best to sound bright and cheery. Knowing that Todd was back in town wasn’t exactly helping her self-confidence—she hated the thought that people she’d known all her life could be talking about her marriage, or lack of. Or worse, pitying her.
“Well, dear, I wanted to ask you about the Fall Festival.”
Sarah stifled a groan. She didn’t mind a task to keep her busy, but right now she didn’t want to be making small talk over the festival that she was trying to take a couple of days away from planning.
“I think there are a few things that didn’t go as planned at the last festival, so I have a few suggestions to discuss with you,” Mrs. Sanders told her, leaning in close like she was divulging a grand secret. “I’m sure you want it to be perfect, too, don’t you, dear?”
Sarah did sigh this time. She couldn’t help it. She definitely didn’t need to be told what to do today, and she certainly didn’t want to spend all morning discussing the festival or anything else for that matter. Today she just needed some time to gather her thoughts.
“Mrs. Sanders, I’m in a bit of a hurry this morning, but I’d love to hear your thoughts,” Sarah answered politely. “There’s a meeting at Gracie May’s for everyone involved on Sunday night, so if you’d like to come along then, we can all listen to your suggestions. We’re going to have supper while we run through everything.”
She watched as the other woman struggled not to continue, clearly bursting at the seams to vent her thoughts. “Well, if you don’t have a moment right now...”
Sarah raised her hand in a little wave. “I’ll look forward to seeing you on Sunday,” she said firmly as she walked away. She fought pangs of guilt gnawing in her gut. Usually she’d have stopped and given anyone her time freely, but she was starting to feel like too many people were taking her willingness to help time and again for granted.
Sarah fought not to let her shoulders slump as she searched the street with her eyes. She’d lost track of where Todd had disappeared to and she didn’t want to bump into him. Not now when she wasn’t prepared.
She might feel prettier than usual, but seeing Todd wasn’t on her agenda.
Nate’s words echoed through her mind as she walked into the store. You can help me with my family and I can help you with Todd.
She wasn’t usually one for playing games or keeping secrets, but after seeing Todd before, it was starting to sound like an appealing option. Not Nate’s ridicu
lous idea to say they were getting married when she wasn’t even divorced yet, but maybe to something...
But could she cope with seeing more of Nate? She knew in her heart that she hadn’t ever forgiven him, and maybe she never would, but with everything that was going on with her right now? Helping Nate transition back into civilian life would give her something meaningful to focus on over the summer break, and she wanted to help him so bad it was like a constant bruise to her heart. Anger aside, they’d once meant a lot to each other.
“Sarah?”
She looked up and realized she’d been in such a daydream she’d almost walked straight past her own mother.
“Mom! Just the person I need to talk to.”
Her mom cringed and laughed at the friend she was talking to. “Oh, dear, that’s my day gone.”
Sarah took her mom’s arm and propelled her to the checkout. She needed someone to talk to, and fast, and the last place she wanted to do it was standing in line at the grocery store.
“Who or what’s got your knickers in a twist?”
Sarah grinned. She wondered if her mom would have used that phrase if she’d known what she was about to tell her after all she’d seen her go through in the past with the man in question.
* * *
“Nate’s back in town,” Sarah told her mom later over the table at dinner.
“Nate Calhoun?”
Sarah felt like a teenager talking about her first date. “No, another Nate.”
Her mom raised an eyebrow at her like she didn’t appreciate being made fun of. “It’s nice he’s back again. Is he just here for the festival? To do something for the commemoration on his father?”
She took a sip of her coffee. “It sounds like he’s back for good.” The thought struck terror through her body—just saying it aloud made it real. It was such a small town, and if Nate was back here to live, then she’d be seeing a lot of him, whether she wanted to or not.
“You’re not thinking of—”
“No!” Her mom didn’t need to finish her sentence for Sarah to know what she was about to say. She wasn’t thinking about Nate like that; she would never think about rekindling what they had had...or would she? That kiss... She shut her mind off.
“Just remember that I was there when he left, when he promised that he was coming back for you and when he didn’t. When he—”
“Forget I said anything,” Sarah interrupted. “It’s just that I saw him yesterday and with everything that’s going on and what he’s been through, it left me a little confused.”
Her mom looked at her long and hard before clasping her hand and pressing a kiss to it. “You and Nate were wonderful together, sweetheart, and you know how much I loved him, but don’t forget how hard you fell back then. You know I adored him, too, but you both went in such different directions and I don’t want to see you hurt like that again, especially after everything you’ve been through lately.”
Sarah moved around to the other side of the table to sit beside her mom and give her an impromptu hug. “Ah, who could forget my impending divorce.” She made a face. “Maybe I should just forget men for good.”
“Now Todd, he’s a different story. At least Nate didn’t mean to hurt you,” her mom pointed out. “Whatever happened between you two, there was never any doubt in my mind that Nate loved you, and I know that calling things off must have hurt him more than he probably realized.”
Sarah held up her hand and shook her head. “Let’s not even get started about the fact that they both left me or I might start to get a complex. And as for Nate hurting me back then? It was his decision and I still haven’t forgiven him.”
She hadn’t missed the fact that she’d faced a whole lot of heartache in the relationship department in the past few years. So maybe even seeing Nate again as friends was taking things too far.
And that kiss... Argh. It kept popping back into her mind at the worst of times, her lips tingling as if it had just happened only a moment earlier. Anger. What had happened to her anger?
“Thanks for the pep talk, Mom, but I’d better go. Did I tell you that I rode Maddie for the first time yesterday?” Sarah took her chance to change the subject.
Her mom smiled. “That’s exactly what you need. Out on horseback, just enjoying yourself.”
Maybe she wouldn’t tell her mom exactly where she’d been riding or with whom....
* * *
Nate grimaced as he swung his leg over the saddle. He was starting to get used to the ongoing pain, but sometimes when it twinged like that it still managed to take him by surprise.
“You all right?” Johnny called out.
Nate tipped his hat and nudged the horse forward with his inside leg. “Yep, thanks for the loan.” He liked that his brother-in-law had left him to his own devices. Nate made a mental note to tell his sister how much he approved of her new husband.
He tried to force his heels down in the stirrups but it hurt too bad, so he took both feet out instead and tried to relax. He was back on the land and he should, here of all places, feel at peace with his surroundings.
Nate needed to clear his head and work out what the hell he was going to do. How he was going to readjust again. Because while the rest of his family were busy thinking about the upcoming festival and moving on with the realization that they had siblings they’d grown up without knowing, that their dad had had a whole other life before he’d married their mom, Nate wasn’t.
Because his mind was full of disturbing memories, his nostrils still filled with the acrid smell of too many guns firing at close range when he least expected it, and his leg ached every time he thought about his friend. Like it was somehow linked to his memory and what he’d lost.
Nate crossed his stirrups over the horse’s wither so they wouldn’t hit him in the ankles and nudged the horse into a trot and then a canter straightaway. He didn’t fancy bouncing around at the trot, but he’d be darned if he couldn’t still canter without stirrups and keep his balance.
He’d grown up riding horses as soon as he could walk and followed his dad around the ranch on horseback whenever he could as an older boy. So right now, the place for him to be was in the saddle. He needed to reconnect with the part of his past that didn’t haunt him, remember how he used to feel at home, surrounded by his family.
Sarah had been right. Maybe not about him needing to talk, but about him riding and being out on the land again. Because he wasn’t one of those guys who’d joined the army to be part of something. He’d loved it for that reason, but he’d grown up with a great family of his own, and he’d left here to make a difference, not to run away.
Sarah. Last night she’d momentarily reignited something within him that had been dead for months, but he couldn’t act on it. She’d married his buddy and now she was most likely heartbroken and looking for a rebound kind of relationship.
And he wasn’t about to be that guy. Because he’d loved Sarah with all his heart once before, and he had no intention of going there again. No matter how much he was craving her after kissing the hell out of those plump lips of hers the night before.
* * *
Sarah felt like her head was about to explode. Not from suffering the effects of too much wine anymore, but for how long it had taken her to get back in her car and to the Calhoun ranch. Organizing the festival was starting to become more work than she’d bargained for. Putting everything together wasn’t the hard job, but dealing with so many old-timers with set views on what should and shouldn’t happen was starting to wear her down. Especially when they seemed to seek her out wherever she went—another had accosted her on her way back to her car!
But now she was here she was starting to unwind again.
Every time she was in the saddle, it was as if the stress was sucked away and her mind was clear. Having her young horse started duri
ng her divorce was possibly the best thing she could have done.
Sarah gathered up her reins. “You ready to let off some steam, Maddie?” Sarah whistled out to her dog and urged her young mare forward. “Canter on!” she commanded.
She fought the urge to shut her eyes as the wind whipped at her vision. And it wasn’t just the wind.
Seeing Todd before had brought everything back to her, made her wish so hard that it was she who was pregnant. It wasn’t Todd she was grieving; it was the knowledge that she’d never be able to carry her own child, never be able to be the mom she’d dreamed of being all her life.
Her horse shied out beneath her and Sarah did her best to stay seated.
She swallowed a curse. That was precisely why she needed to concentrate on riding and stop thinking about her problems.
“Whoa, girl.” She reached a hand down to rub Maddie’s neck, letting the reins run through her fingers a little on one side. “You’re okay,” Sarah soothed. She coaxed Maddie on, only trotting now but trying to prove to her that there were no hidden bogey monsters in the trees they were approaching.
Only, her horse had been right. There was someone there.
Sarah sat back deeper in the saddle and pulled slightly on the reins to slow her mount to a walk. There was a horse tethered nearby, which must have been what had originally spooked Maddie, and a man asleep in the canopy of shade cast by a large tree. And from the length of the jeans-clad legs, and shape of the body attached to them, it was...damn it. It was Nate.
She could have kept riding and pretended like she’d never seen him, but she wanted to stop. They’d spent the evening before in each other’s company, and she had no reason not to stop.
Other than the fact that she was hurting and had been on the brink of tears less than a minute ago, and seeing Nate again had brought back a whole heap of feelings that she wasn’t keen on reexploring. Just when she thought she’d come to terms with her infertility, seeing Todd and then being around Nate had stirred it all to life again.