Miss Planet Earth

by S E Anderson

  Marcus. Come on. Help me. I need you.

  That was the last thing she felt before a ray of blue light enveloped her. Her head spun and everything went dark.

  Chapter 10

  Revenge is a dish best served with terrifying firepower

  It was lucky the Tagriffians has only prepared one cell: one crisp clean room with a massive four poster bed, the kind of thing out of a fairytale. Which it probably was, for all Katra knew. But one cell meant they shoved the two humans in together, and she didn’t have to be alone.

  Now, she sat on the end of the bed, clutching the crown in both hands, staring at her reflection in the different stones, in the gold. The same crown that generations of English monarchs had held, worn, and felt the weight of.

  She was Miss Universe, then renamed Miss Earth.

  She was the last survivor of the massacre that took over fifty alien lives. She was once again Miss Universe. More accurately now, she was the queen of New Earth.

  She was the queen of nothing.

  Or no one.

  What she was, was sad. Sad, and angry.

  Mostly angry.

  “How could they?” she snapped, glaring up at Yorick despite the fact he was not the cause of her frustration, “How could they kill them?”

  Yorick said nothing. He preferred to lean against the wall of their cell, staring intently at Katra, as if staring hard enough would send her to safety. Something inherently masculine was kicking in, where he wanted nothing more than for this beautiful woman to be safe.

  But he was trapped too. Him and his massive, ugly hands. He hid them behind his back, playing it off as if he was using them to prop himself against the wall.

  “We have to kill them,” she said. “All of them.”

  This, finally, made Yorick react. A small double take and he rushed to her side.

  “What?” he stammered. “Are you crazy?”

  “They killed the only people I know,” she said. “It’s only logical I kill everyone they know.”

  Katra stood, putting her crown firmly upon her head. It was heavy, like the responsibility it carried, but it found its place there, on the bed of silky brown.

  “We’re going to save my planet from invasion, and claim it back in the name of humans. In the name of Earth.”

  “You’re not thinking clearly…”

  “No, I’m thinking clearer than I ever have before. We’re going to kill these mofoz-back-stabbing-space-bugs if it’s the last thing I ever do!”

  “It probably will be.”

  “Don’t kill the moment!”

  “So, it’s a moment we’re having here?”

  Shmuz. “Yes. No. I don’t know. I’m angry. Can we kill them all yet?”

  “You’re starting to sound a little like Jesi.”

  “Shut up,” Katra snapped, turning her back on the obnoxious man. “She’s dead. They’re all dead. My planet is being invaded. And I’m trapped here, unable to do anything.”

  “Fine,” Yorick growled, throwing his hands up in the air defensively. “All you had to do was ask.”

  “Ask what?”

  At that, the captain flicked his wrists, and two pistols slid from his sleeves into his hands. Katra’s eyes widened.

  “What the hell?”

  “I’m a frozzing pirate captain, Katra,” said Yorick, “and Tagriffians aren’t exactly known for their, say, attention to detail.”

  “Yeah, but I patted you down earlier,” she stammered. “Where on earth were you hiding them?”

  He gave her a little wink in response.

  She rolled her eyes, holding out her hand to take one of the weapons. But the captain clutched both of them even tighter.

  “Come on, I need a weapon too,” Katra begged.

  “Not these. You do not want to know where they have been. We’ll find you something else, alright? You ready?”

  Katra steadied the crown upon her head. “As I’ll ever be.”

  And with that, Yorick shot a blast clear through the door, sending up a scream from the other side. The former captain kicked through the remaining metal, hard, squashing the oversized cockroach whole.

  “You coming?” he asked, stepping onto what had just been a door. The Tagriffian he had decimated squelched under his weight, oozing black puss all over the floor. Katra swallowed hard.

  “Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea,” she said.

  “Relax, will you?” The man grinned back at her. “I saw what you did to my own men. I’d be angry if I wasn’t so impressed. Now come on, do you want to save your planet or not?”

  Katra felt a smile rise on her face. Hell, yeah. They tore off down the hallway together, trying to find their way back to the bridge. Or some weapons, whichever came first.

  In the end, it was the armory that sprung up first on their path. Yorick covered the door as Katra rushed inside, trying to find something, anything she could use.

  The trouble was that the weapons were designed with four armed giant cockroaches in mind. Which meant that physiologically, Katra couldn’t shoot the thing even if she tried.

  Clutching the massive barrel against her chest, she tried to wind her frail human arm through the double trigger system, to no avail. The thing was just impossible. She looked to Yorick, and shook her head, silently.

  He let out a heavy breath. “Well, you could try just throwing the guns at them, it would work better.”

  “Stop being facetious and help me?”

  As luck would have it, the second Yorick moved towards her, a massive blast went off directly above his head, sending metal chips flying and blackening the door. He missed the plasma pulse by the width of a hair.

  Without thought, Katra tossed the gun into the air like a baton – she was damn good at batons – and leapt after it. With a swift kick, her foot collided with the flying weapon. The thing sailed right into the face of the oncoming Tagriffian.

  Her mind was overtaken by someone else’s instincts, and she rushed at the creature, crushing its mandibles under her heel. The creature squealed as its black blood spurted into her face. She quietly adjusted her crown. The panic would probably come later, but for now, she was feeling pumped up and pretty badass. Probably the insane amounts of adrenaline coursing through her veins.

  “Now, can I have one of your pistols?” she asked Yorick, practically breathless.

  “So long as you don’t mind where it’s been.”

  She wiped the gack from her face with a swift jab of her wrist. “I don’t think that’s a problem.”

  He tossed her the small pistol, and she was impressed by how light it seemed in her hands. Oddly sticky, sure, but so were most of her clothes and exposed skin right about now.

  “Can the two of us take over this ship, and take down the entire Tagriffian fleet?”

  “And save the planet and the universe? Maybe.”

  Katra pointed to the Tagriffian she had just squished. “They don’t seem all that difficult to kill.”

  “It’s their firepower we should worry about,” the captain said, pointing to the room full of guns. “And the entire Tagriffian armada. Nothing can break through their ship’s shields, except their own weapons.”

  “I thought you didn’t know these guys?”

  “I had a good look at their specs when we were on the bridge. I knew what to look for.”

  “So you would know how to fly this ship?”

  “I don’t know, probably,” he said, “it’s designed for multi-armed giant space bugs, so it might not be so easy.”

  “Good thing your hands are so large, then,” Katra laughed. The pirate hid them behind his back, his face going red. “Kidding. I don’t see the problem, they’re quite handsome hands.”

  “You think so?” He grinned. “But yes. To answer your question, I think I can fly this ship.”

  “Ok, first things first then,” said Katra, grinning. She had always wondered what she would want to do once her pageant days were over, and it seemed like beating alie
ns senseless was a good start to a new future. Adequate retribution for leaving her on ice a few thousand years longer than promised. “Kill every frozzing thing on this ship.”

  Yorick nodded. She didn’t have to tell him twice.

  It was then that voices began to rise in the corridor outside, followed by the boom boom boom of heavy feet on steel flooring. Katra saw them coming in from both sides before she retreated back into the armory.

  “Shmuz,” she said. “Okay. Maybe I’m not as ready for this as I thought.”

  “I have an idea!” Yorick flew over the ammo table and slammed the armory door shut. He grabbed the Tagriffian’s mandibles and ripped upwards, taking the whole head with it.

  Well, the outside part of the head. He left all the goopy brain parts behind.

  “It’s an exoskeleton,” he said, tossing Katra the ebony black shell, “They’re invertebrates, right?”

  “Yeah?” she agreed, trying not to gag.

  “Put that on,” he said, “I’ll take care of the rest.”

  She wanted to vomit as she slid the shell over her eyes. The shell was slimy and smelled like rotten eggs, rotten meat, all the rotten things she could think of.

  It got ten times worse when Yorick handed her the rest of the shell.

  “You want me to wear that?” The former beauty queen stammered. She wasn’t going to win any awards dressed like this: or maybe on the Tagriffian home world, if they were into that sort of thing.

  He said nothing. She slipped the slimy shell around her body, where it fit oddly and out of place. If it wasn’t for her stilettos, she’d be the wrong height entirely: and the crown was the only thing keeping the eye holes at eye level.

  Oddly… perfect.

  “So we’re pulling a Star Wars?” she asked.

  “A what?”

  “You know, Star Wars: A New Hope? When they dress up as stormtroopers to…” she saw Yorick’s lost expression, and her heart fell. “Never mind. We’ll have to watch it sometime. Is Netflix still around?”

  “That really weird cult, over on Tabbard?”

  “Ah. No. Never mind then.”

  She kicked the door open and strode out into the hallway, grabbing Yorick by the scruff of his collar and dragging him out behind her. Only, of course, she didn’t have complete control of the shell, so Yorick had to play along quite a bit. Good sport.

  “Aha!” she cried, making her voice deep, “look who I caught trying to steal our weapons!”

  The five Tagriffians in the hallway didn’t seem all that convinced.

  “Yo dude, what happened to your face?” asked one.

  “Oh, this pesky human put up quite the fight, let me tell you,” she continued, making her way past them with Yorick still in her fake grasp. The hoard followed, close at her shiny black heels. “I didn’t think I would get him. I’ll take him back to the cell now.”

  “The cell block is the other way.”

  “What do you expect? This frozzler kicked me in the motherfrozzing face!”

  “I have information!” Yorick blurted out. “About this planet’s high command! And how to win the escape games!”

  “Oh you do, do you?” said Katra, “then I am taking you to the bridge! Grr! Yes, I am!”

  “What the froz are you doing, Stan?” said one of the Tagriffians.

  “Frozzing Stan,” said the other, “always doing shmuz like this. Come on, man, you were daft before you got kicked in the face. Hell, this might have made you smarter!”

  Katra spun on her nine-inch heels and blasted the rude Tagriffian right through the chest. Ka-pow! The asshole burst like an ant under a magnifying glass, with a rewarding squee!

  “Anyone else?” she asked.

  She didn’t wait for an answer. Or, rather, Marcus didn’t wait for an answer. In an instant, she was bounding out of her shell and right at the next bugger in line, screaming a war cry as she landed on its shoulders. She ripped at its mandibles and pulled the head clear off.

  The Tagriffian corpse toppled over, and she fell along with it, smashing her knees against the hard metal floor. She cried out in pain, trying to wrench her legs free, but one of the other aliens was already on her. Before it could pull its trigger, Yorick pulled his, and another massive Tagriffian corpse fell on top of Katra.

  She scrambled to crawl out from beneath them, freeing one leg and then the other, only for the body on top of her to press down harder. She forced herself to roll, freeing herself for enough time to grab the butt of a gun and slam it into the legs of the last standing Tagriffian.

  Yorick took that window of opportunity to blast its head clear off.

  Katra pushed herself out from the corpse, ignoring the black tar covering her body, and most of the corridor around them. She picked up the helmet shell from the ground, placing it back on her head, feeling the circle of the crown touch her scalp once more.

  “We good?” she asked.

  “Yeah, we’re good,” Yorick replied.

  The bridge was how they left it: full of cockroaches, gloomy and dank. Katra and Yorick threw the doors open as they fired on the entire congregation.

  “TAKE THAT, YOU MOTHERFROZING BUGGERS!” she shouted, as she sent a stream of fiery death into the mosh pit of Tagriffian high command.

  “What she said!” Yorick echoed, right before his plasma ran out. “Shmuz!”

  “Here!” Katra grabbed one of the gigantic guns from the ground and tossed him the butt end. “Triggers!”

  Propped on the hard exoshell of the Tagriffian she had gutted and was now wearing as an impromptu stormtooper’s uniform, her hands were protected from the harsh, burning heat of the plasma gun as it fired into the crowd. Yorick yelled in furious excitement as she pulled both triggers at once, launching a stream of ionized particles into the bridge.

  “Heyaaaaa motherbuggers!” He laughed maniacally.

  “You’re the one who sounds a whole lot like Jesi,” she said, when everything was dead, except for the odd twitching mandible or leg here or there.

  “I suppose you have a plan?”

  “Yup,” she said, marching towards the control panel. “Get me on the coms. Visual or whatever. Send me to every ship in this fleet.”

  “Gotcha.”

  She adjusted the bulky shell around her body, took a deep sigh, and stood tall. Her body quivered underneath the heavy carcass, and her ankles smarted in those heels, but she dug deep for that pageant queen determination and stood strong.

  “This is a private message,” she said. “I’m talking to you, yes, you! Everyone on this ship has been destroyed! There is a spy in our midst, and they’re right off your starboard bow. Kill them now! Destroy their ship before they can get away!”

  Yorick cut the connection, the screen returning back to a window, a perfect Earth day flowing in on beams of sunlight. Katra blinked as she took off the shell, extracted her crown, and placed it back on her head.

  “Do you think it worked?” she said, brushing the tarry hair out of her face. “It wasn’t a very complex plan.”

  “They’re not exactly complex beings. And it’s definitely working!” Yorick pointed out the window as balls of yellow fire appeared in the sky. “I take it Tagriffians aren’t exactly known for their intelligence.”

  “If at all.”

  “Katra, you just saved the universe from these bumbling idiots,” he said, proudly, putting an arm gently around her waist. She could barely feel through the shell, which she still wore, but the thought of his hand wanting to be there was enough to send shivers through her spine.

  “Shmuz,” he said, pulling his hand back, making Katra flinch.

  “What?”

  “We’re next!” he threw himself at the console, throwing switches and wires in all directions. “We’re going to get blown out of the sky!”

  “FROZ!” Katra pulled off the shell, tossing it towards the bodies that were piled in the bridge. “What do we do?”

  “We’ve only got one hope,” the former pirate captai
n turned, his eyes finding hers and holding them for dear life. “We’ve been targeted. This ship is going down. We have to jump!”

  “We’ll die!”

  “On our own terms!” he stammered, grabbing Katra’s plasma gun and shooting straight at the window. “Come on. If we’re lucky, a dinosaur will save us.”

  “Yorick, I…”

  “It’s alright. We saved the world, didn’t we?” He gave her a sweet smile. And then, just then, he took her head in his hands, pulling her soft lips against his and kissed her with all the fire he could muster.

  And she kissed him back, thirteen thousand years worth of un-kissed lips doing all the talking.

  So when he jumped out the window, she barely even noticed. Well, at first.

  Then, she was screaming.

  “Yorick, you prick!” she snapped, trying to swipe at him, but he was already falling a good three meters away, completely out of reach, and getting further away by the second.

  The air took the words right out of her mouth, anyways. Her long silky hair, now coated thick with Tagriffian blood, swung and snapped at her face like a million little bees. The ground rushed up to her, so fast she thought there was no way it was that close already. She spun around to look back at the ship she had just left, only now it was a big orange speck in between some clouds.

  Which suddenly became a very white ceiling.

  “Glad to have you back,” said Jesi, her lopsided child’s teeth glistening in the bright white room. “I take it everything went okay?”

  “Jesi!” Katra’s feet were on solid ground, her hair limp once again by her side. She rushed at the non-child and wrapped her in a hug. “You’re alive?”

  “What is this?” the girl struggled to push her away.

  “A hug?”

  “Screw that. Let go of me before I put you right back where I found you.”

  Katra rushed back, throwing her hands in the air. Better safe than sorry. She noticed Yorick getting back his space legs beside her, wiping some of the more visible grime from his arms.

  “I thought you were dead,” Katra continued. “I saw you blow up!”

  “Oh, that was all a very clever plan I set up with Owaitt,” she said, leading the two of them back through the ship towards the bridge. “We hid the ship in the airport. What you were seeing, and what the Tagriffian were shooting at, was a hologram.”