by Lovett, Jo
Now – August 2022
Evie
‘Evie, your lipstick looks very nice.’
‘Thank you, gorgeous Autumn.’ Evie smiled at her younger sister, bouncing on Evie’s bed. ‘It’s a new one. Maybe don’t bounce quite so high, Autumn. You might break the mattress springs. Maybe don’t bounce at all.’ She leaned forward to get a better view of her eyes in her mirror and applied another coat of mascara carefully. She put the mascara back in her make-up bag and checked her fingernails. Yep, they still looked good from the manicure that she’d had with Sasha, Lucie and Dervla on Friday. She looked back into her mirror. Maybe just a little bit more eyeliner.
‘Evie, you’re taking a very long time to get ready,’ Autumn said. ‘Where are you going?’
‘Just for a walk.’ Evie put her eyeliner back in her make-up bag and patted her hair into place.
‘A special walk?’ Honestly. Now that Autumn was nearly eight you could have semi grown-up conversations with her, and that was lovely, but this was taking grown-up too far. Evie did not need her little sister to be this observant.
‘Not really. Just a normal walk.’
‘Who with?’
‘Just a friend from the village.’
‘Do you mean Sasha? But she’s on holiday after her wedding.’ Autumn tilted her head to one side and Evie smiled at her. Funny how you could adore a child while simultaneously really wishing they would shut up.
‘Sasha’s brother. Dan.’ Evie tried to keep her face completely emotionless. Autumn was far too clever for Evie’s good. She still wasn’t quite sure why or even how Dan had suggested meeting for a walk today – they’d danced together for hours last night and, as everyone said their goodbyes, he’d made the suggestion – but she did know that she was having a hard time not smiling away just at the thought of seeing him. Which there was nothing wrong with. You weren’t cheating on someone by going for a strictly platonic walk with someone else, and a lot of people had fantasy crushes, didn’t they? That they’d never act on. Unless they were single and drunk in Vegas. And, frankly, if Matthew was going to play golf the whole time, she was bound to go for walks with old friends occasionally.
‘Oh. But isn’t Matthew your boyfriend?’ Seriously. Bloody seven-year-olds and their questions. ‘So how can Dan be your boyfriend too?’
‘Dan isn’t my boyfriend. He’s just a friend. You know, like you’re friends with Sammy at school.’
‘Well, I’m actually going to marry Sammy. Are you going to marry Sasha’s brother?’ Thank God Autumn hadn’t been old enough to hear about Vegas.
‘No. You can go for a walk with a boy or a man without marrying them.’
‘I know that.’ Autumn practically tossed her head in scorn. ‘I just wondered. Do you want him to be your boyfriend?’ Maybe, in a fantasy world. But in reality, no. Dan clearly didn’t want a relationship, and from Evie’s side she wasn’t sure she could really cope with being with someone who had so many unresolved issues. It felt like it would be similar to living with her mum’s roller coaster love life. Evie wanted a solid relationship, like the one she had with Matthew.
‘No. I have a boyfriend already, remember.’ She lifted her wrist and said, ‘Goodness, is that the time? I’m going to have to go.’ She wasn’t meeting Dan for another ten minutes but walking aimlessly around the village by herself for a few minutes would be vastly preferable to continuing Autumn’s inquisition.
‘Can I come with you?’
‘I’m really sorry but we have plans to walk a really long way and, even though you’re a very big girl now, I think it’ll be too far for you. And, also, I think Mummy has plans for you.’
‘What plans?’
‘I don’t know. Let’s go and ask her. Mum,’ Evie called as they went downstairs. ‘I’m busy this afternoon and I can’t look after Autumn and I know that you have plans for her.’
‘I thought we could bake a cake together, Autumn,’ said their mum, ‘and then we’re going to see Grant’s new puppies. Going somewhere nice, Evie?’
‘Just for a walk.’ Evie pushed her feet into her boots and wound a scarf round her neck. Unbelievable how cold it was for the end of August. She’d turned into a soft urban-dweller, always expecting mild weather, after only a couple of years in London.
‘She’s going with Sasha’s brother Dan,’ said Autumn, putting her arms above her head so that their mum could tie an apron behind her back. Autumn was a seriously messy baker.
Their mum raised her eyebrows and said, ‘Have fun. Tell me about it later.’
‘Nothing to tell,’ Evie said, grabbing her coat and heading for the door.
‘Afternoon.’ Dan was smiling, waiting for her under the tree in the middle of the green after she’d done a loop round the village. The permanently mistletoe-covered tree. She was back here bang on time, so he must have been early.
‘Hello. How are you feeling today?’ Should they hug? Cheek-kiss? No. She stopped a few feet away from him. ‘Did you hear from Sasha this morning? I had a text from her a couple of hours ago just as they were boarding their flight.’ They’d left first thing for their honeymoon.
‘I had a one-worder – Bali – and a lot of exclamation marks. Sounded like she was happy with Angus’s choice. This way?’ Dan indicated with his head in the direction of the woodland and little river to one side of the village, Evie nodded and they started walking.
They were quite close to the cottages on the church end of the green now, so if anyone looked out of their front windows they’d definitely see them. Evie couldn’t decide whether she more wanted no-one, particularly Mrs Bird, to see them and gossip, or everyone to see them and know that she was out for a walk with Dan, like she’d been lucky enough to land a dance with the coolest boy at the school disco. Basically, it was like she’d regressed a good fifteen years.
Oh, God, now she was really conscious of Dan. They were walking quite close to each other, but not touching, obviously, because why would they touch? Like, for what reason? No reason at all, clearly. Woah, Evie had just swung her arm a bit too much and her hand had almost brushed Dan’s and her heart had literally jumped as it happened. She’d gone mad. She was behaving like a lovesick teenager. And she had a boyfriend.
They turned the corner up the short lane that led to the church and then beyond into woodland. Why weren’t they talking? Was this a companionable silence or was it awkward?
Oh, God, it was probably awkward.
‘It’s great weather today,’ Evie said. ‘Really nice. I love a sunny but cold day. Lucky for the photos that the weather turned before yesterday.’ Seriously. A weather conversation. Scintillating.
‘Yes, very lucky.’ They’d got to a stile into a field. Dan pointed at the bushes at the foot of it. ‘Those are some serious spider webs.’
‘I love them in the winter covered in frost. Magical. I used to imagine that a winter queen with special powers made them.’
Dan laughed. ‘I’ve just always thought they look nice. Clearly I have no imagination. Come on.’ He climbed over the stile and turned and held his hand out for Evie.
She could totally have got herself over it and she had a vague feeling that she ought to tell Dan that, but no way was she passing up an innocent opportunity to hold his hand for a moment.
She was so conscious of the fact that she had her hand in his that she wobbled massively.
‘Argh,’ she screeched.
Dan reached his other arm up and caught her round her waist, which stopped her crashing down on top of him. He lifted her down and for what seemed like a very long moment after he’d set her on the ground held onto her. Evie’s heart was hammering away, and she was pretty sure that it wasn’t from the near-miss fall.
Her lips and mouth were very dry all of a sudden. She didn’t want to lick her lips, though, because that was your cliché please-kiss-me-now action. Oh, God, she wanted him to kiss her now. He was looking at her with a small smile on her face. And she was smiling at him. And he was mo
ving a little bit towards her. He was going to kiss her. He absolutely was.
He’d stopped moving. They were still standing there, Dan with his hands on Evie’s waist and Evie with her hands on his upper arms.
She could just slide her hands up his arms right now and round his neck. She knew how good it would be if they did kiss.
They’d been standing like this for a really long time. Nothing was happening.
And, Christ, this was terrible. Matthew.
She let go of his arm, like it was scalding hot, and cleared her throat. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘For catching me.’
‘Not a problem,’ he said, and let go of her waist.
‘So which way shall we walk?’ Evie said.
‘I’m totally easy and I have all afternoon, so whichever way you prefer.’
‘What about the circular walk via Little Bishop?’ That was quite a long walk, which usually took a good couple of hours, but not the longest.
‘Good plan. There’s that great view over the Bishop valley on the way. It’s only in the last few years that I’ve started to appreciate how lucky we are to have grown up here.’
‘I know. It’s gorgeous. But when you’re sixteen, you’re just pissed off that there’s only one pub in the village and everyone knows how old you are and it’s miles to the nearest clothes shops. Or whatever you’re into.’
‘Exactly.’
By the time they’d got to the viewpoint, Evie was puffing slightly – quite a lot, actually – from trying to pretend she was fitter than she was, and she was back in control of herself. They were just two friends out for a really nice walk.
‘Little rest?’ Dan said.
‘Definitely.’ She plonked herself down on a wide, smooth rock and began to unwind her scarf. ‘That was hot work.’
Dan settled himself down next to her.
‘Wow,’ he said, as she kept unwinding. ‘That’s a long scarf.’
‘It’s very clever,’ Evie said. ‘Stops you having to wear loads of layers. You can have this longer or shorter or all sorts of ways, depending on how hot you are.’
‘Genius,’ Dan said, laughing. He reached over to take the scarf from her and their fingers touched briefly. Evie wasn’t sure whether to let her fingers linger next to his, or snatch her hand away.
She watched, almost mesmerised, as Dan wound the scarf idly round his hands. His fingers were square, and strong looking, and capable looking, and God, you could really start fantasising about hands if you weren’t careful. Looking now at his hands, she was really struggling not to think about all the sex in Vegas, if she was honest.
‘Evie?’
‘Mmm?’
‘You okay? Lost in your thoughts?’
Oops. Yes. Thoughts about him.
‘I was just thinking about the Frog,’ she said, looking towards the pub in Little Bishop. ‘My mum, your mum, Sasha and I set up a Melting village darts team once and we played in a league, and we had a match in that pub.’
‘Really? I didn’t know any of you were darts experts.’
‘We aren’t. I mean, you do improve if you play a lot, and we practised really hard for about two weeks, but you do kind of lose it if you don’t use it, and we got bored. But we all always believed that we had world champion potential and it was only because we didn’t invest enough time into it that we didn’t make it big.’
‘How did you do in the league?’
‘Came bottom.’
‘You were incredibly talented but everyone else had practised more?’
‘That’s right.’
They sat there in silence – definitely companionable this time – for a couple of minutes, and then Dan said, ‘I used to play darts with my father sometimes. In my teens. In the pub. He’d buy me a pint and a packet of crisps and convince whoever was behind the bar that it was a meal so it was okay for me to be bought beer by a responsible adult, and we’d play darts or pool.’
Evie looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He was staring straight ahead, and twisting her scarf, hard, round his hands.
‘Do you miss him?’ she asked. She wouldn’t have dared ask the question before yesterday evening.
Dan didn’t answer for a second or two. Then he said, ‘I don’t even know.’
‘I’m really sorry,’ Evie said. ‘It must be hard. I hope…’ She stopped, to think. ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying this and I can’t think of a good way of wording it, and obviously your dad’s only in his sixties, but for your sake, not his, and not anyone else’s, just your own, do you think you should try to re-establish contact in case anything ever happens to him?’
‘Which it will. Taxes and death.’
‘Yep. And, I hope you don’t mind me saying, your mum’s lovely, and I’m pretty sure that what she wants is for you to be happy, and she’d rather you talk to your dad and have a relationship with him than that you never speak to him again out of loyalty to her.’
‘Yeah.’ Dan paused and then said, ‘You’re very wise, Evie Green.’
‘Yeah, course I am,’ said Evie, thinking of all her un-wise relationships and the fact that she was seeing Matthew but sitting on top of a hill next to someone else who she had feelings for.
Should she split up with Matthew? No. She did care about him and they did get on well and it just didn’t feel like Dan, with all his life issues – and apparent lack of interest in commitment – was right for her. Thinking about her mum, it was easy to see that romance with people like Dan wasn’t good for you; and she couldn’t let her feelings for him prevent her forever from having a meaningful relationship with someone else. Really, she should probably just avoid Dan for a while, once they were back in London living their separate lives.
‘I might call him,’ Dan said after a while. ‘See if he wants to meet for a beer. Pretty sure I’m always going to think he’s a bastard for what he did to Mum, but also, he was an okay dad in some ways. I mean, he obviously isn’t pure evil. He was often a harsh parent but I’m fairly sure that, if I get in touch with him, he’ll be pleased. And make time for me. Although, saying that, he left Sasha’s pre-wedding dinner early.’
‘Your dad’s maybe the kind of man who’s proud. And it was probably obvious to everyone there including him that he was spectacularly unwelcome, so maybe he thought it was for the best? A lot of things aren’t really that straightforward, are they?’
‘I hadn’t actually thought of that. Too busy being angry. Okay. That’s it. I’m going to call him later. Or text him, anyway. What about you? Do you ever think about your father, if you don’t mind me asking?’
‘Not much. I try not to, really. Mum has literally no idea who he was and the only thing she knows for definite about him was that he was mixed race and that his name rhymed with “ick”. And I used to wonder and then I just stopped. It is what it is. I’m very happy being me and I love my family unit with Mum and Autumn. I had a great upbringing with a mother I know adores me and who’s so lovely that people in the village like Mrs Bird who were initially disapproving of her lifestyle are now big fans of hers.’ Her mother really was wonderful despite the chaos. Evie had had a great childhood. ‘And I was lucky that school was multi-cultural and also had a lot of other kids from single-parent homes, so as a family we’ve encountered less prejudice than a lot of people do. And when you look at all the bastards that Mum’s hooked up with over the years, including Jack, who knows about Autumn and yet has only met her twice, even though she’s now nearly eight and amazing and a lot easier to look after than when she was a baby or toddler, chances are that my father was a bastard too and wouldn’t have added anything to my life.’
‘Sounds rational,’ said Dan. ‘Although these things aren’t always rational, are they?’
‘No, they aren’t. But I genuinely have rationalised it and most of the time I’ve succeeded.’
Dan nodded. ‘So, “ick”?’
‘Yeah. Apparently she was pissed at the time, and they were in a club and it was noisy and she
never really caught his name, but she’s pretty sure it might have been Nick. Or Vic. Or Mick. But she definitely remembers “ick”. And that was it. A one-night stand.’ One reason that Evie wasn’t so keen on them herself.
‘That must be hard,’ Dan said.
‘I mean, yes, a bit, if I’m honest, but also, you know, it is what it is. A lot of people don’t know their fathers.’ Evie watched some rabbits playing on the hill opposite them. ‘Anyway. If I ever want to look for him, at least I have “ick” to go by. I mean, “ick”, for God’s sake.’
‘The pair of us,’ Dan said. ‘Shit father situations one way or another.’
‘Mum sometimes says the “ick” was probably Dick or Thick.’
They looked at each other and sniggered a little bit, and then they both really laughed, for ages.
‘Not even that funny,’ said Dan, eventually. ‘Come on.’ He stood up and then took Evie’s hand and pulled her to her feet. ‘Scarf back on?’
‘Yep. Feel that breeze.’
Dan looped the scarf round her neck and said, ‘Lots of layers or only a couple?’
‘More than a couple but not loads.’
‘Okay.’ Dan nodded, very seriously. ‘Got to get it right. The beauty of an extremely long scarf.’
‘Exactly,’ said Evie, pleased. ‘And, because it’s so wide, and yet soft, you can fold it too. A little bit pashmina-like.’
Dan looped it again round her neck. They were standing very close now, and he was holding both ends of the scarf.
‘Like this?’ His voice was slightly hoarse.
‘Mmm,’ said Evie. He had that look in his eye again. It probably mirrored how her own eyes were looking. Dan tugged a tiny bit on the ends of the scarf and Evie stepped forward.
He moistened his lips slightly. It felt like right now Evie had a decision to make about whether or not they would kiss. She was soooo tempted. But it was so wrong. And, even if she were single, Dan was the wrong person for her.
She smiled at him and pulled her scarf away and wound it once more round her neck and said, ‘So I think that’s the perfect amount of scarf winding,’ and started walking.