Gabriella favored me with her half-smile and said, “You don’t need to be better or smarter. You just need to be you. That is and has always been enough. Use your creativity, Ferdie. You will find the answer there.”
There’s that word again… she’s right, I can feel it… I can’t see the path, but at least I know there is a path to see… Then I remembered: I wanted to talk to each of the one of the group, but I can barely get through the first one… I’ll be a blubbering disaster by the time I’m done…
We sat there for a few more minutes, but there really wasn’t anything left to say, so we walked back around the hill, Gabriella guiding me with her hand on my shoulder. Ok, who’s next? Let’s get this over with… “Hey, Ling, can we talk for a minute?”
Ling looked up, a growing concern evident on her face. “Ferdie, is there a wrong thing? You look as to be upset.”
“No, I’m ok, just tired I guess. Will you take a walk with me?”
“Oh, yes, Ferdie, to walk is good!” We strolled along, following more or less the same path that Gabriella and I had taken. We moved in silence for a hundred yards or so, up and around the hill behind the RV. I was stalling, not knowing quite what to say, when Ling finally spoke. “Ferdie, it seems that you are most concerned for our quest. Is this correct?”
I stopped walking and turned to face Ling. She’s grown a little bit since when we first met… seems like she should be too old to grow more, but she’s only a couple of inches shorter than me now… “I’m sorry, Ling, I just can’t go on this… quest, as you call it, without telling you… well, I guess it’s kind of embarrassing for me, because I’m having a hard time expressing myself. I just want you to know how glad I am that we got to know one another, and to have you here, ready for anything… well, that means a lot. You don’t have to do this, you know. I just… I mean, I want your help, but I can’t stand the thought of anything bad happening to you.”
Ling brushed back her hair, sat down and looked up at the full moon, massive in the desert night. “Ferdie, do you think you will walk on the moon one day?”
Her question took me off guard. “Umm, well, I guess it’s possible…”
“I think if you wanted this, such a journey could be done in less than a snap, but only by you. No one else could do such a thing as you. But can you guess what? I could do it too. I learn from you, and get more strong from being near to you. But you should know this thing: with your help, I can now take care of myself. We are a team, together. I do this because we are a team, not because I need you protecting for me. A team, Ferdie. Connected, like brother and sister. That is a connection for all time.”
Ahh, Ling, you’re right. Thank you for putting me in my place… ok, no tapping, hold it together… “I’m sorry, Ling, I was… well, I was condescending, that’s what I was. What you said is true. I don’t know, there’s just something that makes me want to protect you. I guess I forget sometimes that I’m just a dorky fifteen-year-old kid.”
This brought a chuckle from Ling. “I don’t know this word, dorky. If the meaning is good, then you are dorkiest fifteen-year-old ever.”
Well, that really tickled me, and I doubled over laughing. “Oh, thank you Ling. I needed that. Let’s head back, ok?”
Ling stood, and before I knew what was happening, she leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “That is for you, brother. I learn from you, but you learn from me also.”
“You got that right.”
We walked up to the rest of the group, still seated outside the RV, giggling as we went. I noticed Denise watching me carefully, and she asked, “Hey, my turn yet?”
“Well, yeah, want to go for a walk?”
She rolled her eyes comically. “I thought you’d never ask. Don’t get all excited though; it’s not like we’re going to the prom or anything. Let’s go.” Denise hopped out of her chair, wrapped her muscular arm around my shoulder, and we traipsed off into the desert. After a couple of minutes, Denise said, “Ferdie, I know what you’re doing, but I don’t need a pep talk. I’m in all the way. You know what, though? I’ve been keeping this in for a long time, but here’s the thing: I worked hard to build myself up because… oh, I don’t know if I want to do this. Someone…” Suddenly Denise came to a stop, big tears rolling down her cheeks. Another angel crying? I can’t take her crying, I’ll break down too… Come on Ferdie, you can’t help if you’re blubbering… maybe I should, like, make some contact with her or something… man, I’m terrible at this…
I attempted patting her on the back, but I just felt awkward. She seemed to appreciate it, though. “Oh, Ferdie, I’m sorry… we’ve both been through a lot at such young ages. You with all the losses in your life. I don’t know if I could have survived, to tell you the truth, even as an angel. We may have great powers, but we also have emotional limits. And me… well, I, I was… oh, I hate this word, it makes me feel weak and small… I was a victim. I’ve never told anyone this before… I was too young to defend myself, but I knew what was happening, and I was filled with fear, and that scared little girl is still in here… I built myself up so no one could hurt me again, but I can’t get rid of the fear. That’s why I want to protect you… we have the same vulnerability. We came about it in different ways, and we manage it in different ways, me with my compulsive exercising, irrational self-protection and using humor and cheerfulness to avoid any real emotional connection, you with your quirky behaviors and hypervigilance. Yeah, I have some insight, but that doesn’t mean I can change how I feel. Anyway, those same vulnerabilities have allowed us, or maybe caused us, to advance beyond our peers… I think the strength derives from overcoming these terrible things, figuring out how to manage ourselves and coming out somehow improved. I don’t know, Ferdie, I know I’m rambling, and I didn’t plan to say any of this. It… it just came pouring out. Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to lay all this stuff on you right before we get set to face the unknown.”
Well, of course by now the tears were falling from my face and I was wearing a hole in the side of my head from tapping. I didn’t know an angel could be a victim of abuse… that explains a lot… she’s right, we are alike… not the same, but alike…
When I got myself together, I said, “I’m sorry, Denise. I didn’t know, but now things make sense. Do you… do you want to tell me what happened? Would it help to get it all out? I think I told you about my psychologist, Dr. Saresh. He would always say it’s best to express these kinds of things, because if they don’t get expressed, they… what was the word he used… oh yeah, they fester, and get bigger and uglier if they stay inside. He also would say if you push them down, don’t let them out, they come out in other ways… you might get really angry and not know why, or you might have trouble with relationships, stuff like that. Of course, I’m a hypocrite in a way, because there was lots of stuff I couldn’t tell him, because he would have thought I was nuts if I told him I could read people’s minds, or even control them with my mind. Those are things a crazy person would say, right? So I had to keep a lot of stuff from him. Anyway, do you want to tell me? It’s not like I have some special insight or anything, but it might make you feel better just to say it.”
Denise gave me a sad smile, and said, “Thanks, Ferdie, you’re a good friend. You know, it’s weird, we’ve only known each other for a few months, and no offense, but you’re just a kid. Still, in a way I feel like you’re the best friend I ever had. Ok, I’m only eighteen, but there’s a pretty big gap between a fifteen year old boy and an eighteen year old girl, even if the girl happens to be an angel, and even if the boy happens to be probably the most powerful member of The Seven there ever was. I mean, we may be supernatural, but we’re still people, right? Anyway, just saying what I’ve said so far feels like a huge weight being lifted. I don’t know why I picked now to say that stuff, it just felt like the right time, and once I started I couldn’t stop. I’ve stopped myself a million times before when I wanted to say something about it, because I was afraid. I don’t know if it�
��s just because it’s you, or if the world ending has something to do with it, but either way, thank you. Oh, and let’s just keep this between you and me. Bringing it up once was bad enough. I don’t want to have to do it over and over again, ok?” And then she slugged me playfully in the shoulder, and I know she didn’t mean it to, but it hurt.
“Ok, but you know when you’re ready, I am a good listener.”
She wiped her hand quickly across her face so that I wouldn’t notice a tear rolling down her cheek, and said, “See, that’s what I like about you. Well, not just that, but you know what I mean.” And with that, we headed back to the RV, once again with Denise’s arm draped over my shoulder.
Halfway back, we were met by Arnie, who had decided to take a walk of his own. “Ferdie, care to join me? I just needed a little air and a brief chat if you don’t mind.”
“Sure, I was just coming to ask you the same thing, as long as it’s ok with Denise.”
She gave me another eye-rolling look. “Of course, silly,” and then she slugged me playfully in the arm again. Dude, I’m going to have to check for bruises…
As we walked off, Arnie said, “Ferdie, we are about to do something very dangerous, and I don’t know if all of us really appreciate that fact. I suppose my time as a police officer might have made me overly cautious, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We will all need to be vigilant about surveying our surroundings and getting out if things feel wrong.”
“Yeah, it seems like everyone else so far is feeling the same kind of thing. I just can’t help but think that, even if we are successful, there will be problems.”
“I feel that too, but we may be able to avoid it if everyone is clear on the need to vacate the mission if they sense danger.”
I had to think about that for a moment. “Arnie, do you think… you know how, when there’s a war, they have to think about things like acceptable losses? Like, how many soldiers is it acceptable to lose if you win the war? I don’t think we can afford any losses. There aren’t enough of us as it is, and I don’t think I could take it if… if anyone was sacrificed in order to win. That’s the thing though, isn’t it? We have to win even if all of us are sacrificed, otherwise the world is doomed. It just seems like too much.” Of course, with that I was reduced to sniffling and tapping once again.
Arnie’s face was grim, and he put his hand on my shoulder. “Ferdie, I know these things are difficult, and you have trouble… oh, let’s say, moderating your emotions, but you will need to find a way, at least short-term, when things are in motion. If you break down at the wrong time, it could really cost you, and perhaps all of us.”
“Yeah, thanks Arnie. I’ll pull it together, you can count on me. So, since we’re talking privately, do you think there is anything in our plan we should change?”
Arnie looked off in the distance toward the moon, still appearing very near in the desert night. “At this point I don’t think we change anything. The only thing we could change is to not do it at all, but I am in agreement that we have to push forward. We can’t wait and try to react as we have done in the past. That is a failed strategy.”
“Yeah, you know, The Others do things in a pattern, and I thought Marsh-d, ahh, I mean Marshall, might be able to come up with a mathematical way to predict their next move, and maybe even where they are. Then we could really take the fight to them, right?”
Arnie smiled tightly. “Marshall is very clever. If anyone could come up with a mathematical way of predicting their behavior, it’s him. Please, though, do not tell him I said so. It’s useful for him to continue to be, shall we say, mildly intimidated by me.”
“He’s not mildly intimidated, he’s downright scared, but I agree with you. Anyway, what I wanted to say is… I sure am glad you came back to us. I was feeling low; I was honestly thinking about just ending it all before you showed up. I don’t think it’s easy for you to say what you feel, but I can tell through the things you do. You wouldn’t be here otherwise, right?”
Arnie turned away, coughing a bit. “I have quite a lot to make up for, as you know. And… and thanks for not making me say it, Ferdie.”
“Ahh, it’s ok. As far as I’m concerned you never have to say it. I know what the truth is.”
While still looking off in the distance his arm shot out, grabbing me by the shoulder and pulling me in close for a quick hug. After quickly wiping his cheek, he said, “Let’s just keep this between you and me, shall we?”
I smiled briefly. “Don’t worry, I won’t blow your cover. You know, you were a lousy demon, but you make a pretty good angel.”
“Very funny. I will take that as a compliment regardless of how it was meant. Let’s head back.”
We hadn’t gone very far so it only took a couple of minutes to return. As we approached we could see Rafael standing, as if patiently awaiting his turn on the roller coaster. The moon gleamed off of his bald head as he said, “Ah, Mr. Ferdie, saving the best for last, yes? Please excuse me, all, that was only a joke. I do my best, but I hardly belong in such lofty company as you. Nevertheless, here I am, and here you are, Mr. Ferdie. Shall we?”
“Well, yeah, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How about a little walk?”
“Without question, Mr. Ferdie, a jaunt in the desert night would be just the ticket.”
We walked out into the sagebrush and Joshua Trees, heading in the opposite direction from the walks taken with the rest, with me nearly having to run to keep up with his long strides. “Raffy, I just wanted the chance to talk to all of you individually before our big mission tomorrow, and see if there are any problems you see or things that you think we should change while there is still time to make them. You know how it is; sometimes when you’re in a group, you might disagree but can be convinced because everyone else seems to think it’s a good idea. Does that make sense?”
Rafael looked at me out of the corner of his eye, a sly smile crossing his lips. “Very astute, Mr. Ferdie. People can sometimes go crazy in congregations, eh? But separate them one by one, and you will get their real thoughts. I always knew you were very clever, Mr. Ferdie.”
This guy never stops with the flattery, but that doesn’t make him wrong… what he said is exactly what I’ve been doing, even if I wouldn’t have said it that way… he’s pretty smart, too… “Well, you’re right; I do want to know what you really think. I bet you have some thoughts about what we’re getting ready to do that are a little different from the rest of the group.”
Rafael stopped, and his booming laughter rolled out into the emptiness of the desert night. “Ahh, Mr. Ferdie, you know me so well! It may be true that I feel different from the rest, at least in small part. I don’t have any major squabbles, however. I am very much in agreement with the need, the urgent need, to do everything possible to stop The Others as swiftly and completely as possible. My only major disagreement has to do with the strategy to abandon our posts as soon as the first one of us has contact with one of The Others. It is my continuing contention that we can all individually manage ourselves in the moment, and we could do much more to disrupt and damage the others if each of us were to defeat one of them, rather than only to defeat a single one of them by converging on the location of the first contact. Aside from that caveat, I am in complete and total accord.”
He has a point… that’s the only part I have mixed feelings about, too… we can’t take the chance of losing anyone, though… “Yeah, I’ve thought a lot about that part as well. I just think if we stay separated it would be too easy for one of us to get ambushed, overwhelmed, you know? And since we don’t know how many of them there are, that might be pretty likely to happen, so even though it would be nice to take as many of them as possible out of the picture, we just can’t chance it.”
Rafael had a glint of anger in his eye, which surprised me, as I had never seen it before. “Yes, well, in any case, I do predict an interesting and successful outcome to our adventure. My only hope is that I am the one upon whom the firs
t contact occurs, so I will have the opportunity to engage in battle, however brief it may be.”
“I hope so too, Raffy. Well, do you feel ready?”
Rafael looked up at the moon, and said, nearly snarling, “Oh, very much so, Mr. Ferdie. As your friend Mr. Arnie likes to say, we shall make them pay, pay for what they have done to us and to all the people of the world. Sorry for my uncharacteristic outburst, but I am passionate about this subject. Shall we head back?”
Whoa, I’ve never seen him this way before… it’s a little bit scary… “Raffy, one thing I’ve been thinking about a lot is… we need to be careful about how we handle The Others. We need to stop them, but… we can’t go overboard on how we treat them. We don’t want the cure to be as bad as the disease, you know what I mean? Like, if we have to… to kill some of them to stop them, then I guess that’s what we have to do, but… I don’t know… if there’s another way I feel like we should find it.”
I could feel Rafael struggling with that idea in his mind. “I do think you are right, Mr. Ferdie. It would be difficult for us to claim the moral high ground otherwise, yes? Ahh, but it will be difficult to do in the heat of battle. Nevertheless, just as you say, we must prevail upon the better angels of our nature. Thank you for reminding, me, Mr. Ferdie.”
“I like the way you put that. The better angels of our nature… it’s kind of a pun, since you really are an angel. Who was it who said that... I remember it from history class.”
“Why, Mr. Ferdie, it was The Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln. And how appropriate; it falls upon us to emancipate the world from the tyranny of The Others, but we must avoid becoming tyrannical in the process. I always learn something when we speak, and that is among the many reasons I like you. Well, shall we return? I think a bit of rest is in order so that we will be at our best during the coming mission.”
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