My eyes jerk up, my stomach falling to my feet.
E… for Evan?
He stuffs his books in his bag and smiles. “Ready?”
Warmth fills my chest and spreads, lighting the dark hollows of my heart. I recognize this long-forgotten feeling, sure I’d never feel it again.
Hope.
I stand and smile, suddenly feeling shy. “Yeah.”
His face lights up. “You should smile more often.”
I look away, my face flaming with embarrassment.
He takes the backpack out of my hand and slings it over his shoulder along with his own. “Let’s go.”
He laces his fingers through mine and we walk out of the room. People stop and stare, whispering. I glance up at Evan.
His jaw clenches and his hand tightens around mine. “Ignore them,” he says through gritted teeth. We stop at my locker. Evan stands with his back to mine as though he can shield me from the curious stares.
I get out my trig and chemistry books and the coat I’d forgotten on Friday. “Okay. Let’s go.”
I feel awkward as we pass through the crowd. For someone who’s shunned attention for months, I’m bombarded with it now. I lower my head and focus on the coat draped over my arm.
When we reach the library, Evan opens the door. I pass through the opening and look back to say goodbye.
His mouth purses. “I’m coming in with you.”
“I’m sure you—”
He gives my back a gentle push. “I’m coming.”
Here’s a side to Evan I don’t know. Stubbornness.
Maryann Sweeney hasn’t shown up yet. We sit at the table Evan and I use. He takes the seat directly across from me.
“You’re not planning to stay for my tutoring session, are you?”
He scans the room, his mouth in a hard line. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“I’ve gotten along fine without you for two months, Evan. I don’t need you to stand guard.”
His eyes bore into mine, anger bubbling beneath the surface. “Have you, Julia? Really? Because I don’t think you have.” I’m not sure who his rage is directed at, but somehow I know it’s not me.
My own fury flares at his judgment. “Maybe I chose not to.”
He runs a hand through his hair with a groan. Leaning across the table, he takes my hands in his. “Watching you suffer is killing me, Julia. Please. Let me help you.”
I stare at him in disbelief. “Why now, Evan? Why not months ago?”
He slams his palm on the table. “Because apparently, I’m an idiot.”
The librarian and the students at the tables next to us turn, eyebrows raised in alarm.
He rises and takes a deep breath. “When you finish, I’ll be out in the hall waiting. Don’t leave without me.”
I watch him exit the library as Maryann walks in. He holds the door for her and she turns around to watch him leave, not attempting to hide her appreciation.
She sits next to me and throws her coat on the table, still looking back. “Evan Whittaker is to die for,” she says with a sigh.
Awkward. Maryann must not have a cell phone. “Uh, yeah.”
“I know he’s with Sarah Chapman, but a girl can still dream.”
Then what is he doing with me?
I spend the next hour going over the periodic table and compounds with Maryann.
“You pick this up amazingly fast. Why do you need a tutor?” She chews on the end of her pencil.
“It’s a long story.”
“Well, if you keep up the way you have and redo all your assignments, you’ll be all caught up before you know it.” She stands and shrugs into her coat. “See you next Monday.” She waves as she walks away.
I give her a half-hearted wave then slump across the table, burying my face in my arms. Evan said he would wait for me outside the library. I’m nervous to find out why, worried his attention is like a game of Jenga, likely to tumble at any moment.
Maryann’s words rush back. I know he’s with Sarah Chapman, but a girl can still dream. She’s right, of course. Evan Whittaker has always had a reputation of only dating the most popular girls. If Evan is the CEO on the James Monroe High School social scale, I’m a janitor.
His interest in me doesn’t fit with reality, yet the love knot connection makes me wonder.
I pack up my belongings and put on my coat, unsure how to handle the situation. I’m not sure I should trust him until I find out if he has ulterior motives.
I walk out the library doors and find him leaning with his back to the wall.
All my doubts fall away.
His eyes fill with longing as he steps toward me. I freeze, mesmerized. It only takes a couple of strides to reach me. Evan’s gaze holds mine and he releases a small gasp as he lifts his hand to my cheek.
“I’d forgotten how beautiful you were.” His voice is breathless.
“I was only in the library an hour.” I whisper, amazed any sound comes out at all.
“Never again.” He holds my face with both hands. His eyes grow glassy with tears. “I’m never letting you go again.”
My stomach jitters.
His head lowers before I have time to ask him what he means and his lips touch mine, soft and tentative.
It’s my first kiss and I’m rigid, frightened I’ll do the wrong thing. A warm feeling spreads through my chest.
His arm wraps around my back, pulling me closer. My body grows weak and I relax into him with a sigh. Instinct takes over as his kiss deepens.
He lifts his head and rests my cheek against his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I shouldn’t have done that. Especially not here in the hall.”
“No,” I croak, then find my voice. “It’s okay.” I slip my arms around his back.
He buries his face in my hair, his embrace tightening.
We stand outside the library doors, clinging to each another as though the world has ceased to exist. For me it has. There’s only Evan. He’s the morning sun that chases away the long-reaching shadows of night.
“Let’s get out of here.” He kisses my forehead then takes my backpack and grabs my hand. His smile looks sad as he tugs me toward the door.
We walk out into sunshine, but the wind still has a bite. When I shiver, Evan pulls my body close as we walk to his car.
“Do you have to go home now?” The hopefulness in his voice makes my stomach quiver.
My longing to be with Evan fights with my conscience. Mom needs me at home. “Yeah.”
He groans softly as his grip tightens.
“It’s not that I want to go home, it’s just that with Dad leaving…”
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s okay, Jules. I understand.”
“Thanks.”
As he drives out of the parking lot, he says, “There’s always the phone.”
We drive in silence. He holds my hand so tight my fingers tingle. When he pulls in front of my house, he reaches for the car door.
“Evan, wait.”
He stops and looks hopeful.
“I don’t think you should walk me to the door.”
His shoulders fall. “Why not?”
“With my dad and all… it’s just one more thing to explain. I’d rather wait a few days before my mom and sister know.”
He places his hand over mine. “Okay, you’re probably right. It’s just I’ve waited so long for you, it’s hard to let you go.”
“Sorry.” I want to protest and say that I’ve been here all along, but I know he’ll make an excuse. Instead, I go for something more tangible. “Where did you get your necklace? Can I see it?”
His eyes widen. “What?”
“I thought I saw a Celtic love knot hanging from it today in the choir room.”
“It’s not a love knot.”
“Can I see it anyway?”
His hand reaches to his neck and pulls down his collar. “It fell off.” He acts concerned but it’s a bit over the top. He’s hiding it fr
om me.
Evan leans over and kisses me as I wage an inner battle, unsure I should trust him. Guilt washes through me. He’s never given me any reason not to. If anything, he makes me feel better. I breathe in his scent, hoping to store it in my memory.
“You better go inside before both of us change our minds,” he murmurs against my mouth. “Or I decide to walk you to the door anyway.”
I smile and reluctantly pull away. “Okay,”
“I’ll call you later.” His eyes burn into mine, leaving me no doubt that he will.
I walk to the front door and he remains at the curb, waiting for me to go inside. When I open the door, I give him a tiny wave as he drives away.
Anna is sprawled across the sofa watching TV with a bowl of popcorn next to her.
“Who was that?” She sounds bored by her own question.
“No one.” I pass her on my way to my room.
“It didn’t look like no one when you kissed him,” she says in a singsong voice.
I back up and stand at the entrance to the hall. “What exactly did you see?”
She lifts an eyebrow with a wicked look. “Enough to know you have a boyfriend.”
“I do not have a boyfriend. He’s my tutor and he drove me home.”
She snorts. “Is he tutoring you on how to kiss?”
“Arg!” I stomp to my room and slam the door behind me. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for Mom to know about Evan. The timing just completely sucks.
I toss my backpack on the floor and go into the kitchen. If Dad isn’t coming home because of me, the least I can do is start dinner. Anna’s eyes follow me with an evil glare.
I find a pound of ground beef in the refrigerator and decide to make chili. The hamburger browns in the skillet while I start chopping an onion.
“What are you doing?” Anna stands in the doorway. She scrunches her nose and leans back as though the onion will jump off the cutting board and bite her.
“What’s it look like? I’m making chili.”
She glowers. “I hate onions. That’s not how Mom does it.”
“Well, Mom’s not home, is she?” I scrape the diced vegetables into the skillet.
Crossing her arm with a huff, she stomps a foot then whirls around to go watch her show.
By the time Mom gets home, I’m draining the grease into the sink.
She stands in the doorway, her mouth gaping. “What’s going on?”
“I’m cooking dinner. Why is everyone being all weird about it?” I scowl, tossing the meat back into the skillet.
“Sorry. It’s just… you haven’t…since…” She twists the strap of her purse as she fumbles for the right words.
I’ve thrown her off so it’s not fair to be upset. I try to ignore that I am anyway. “It’s okay, Mom. I know I’ve been self-centered lately. I’m just trying to help, okay? Let’s not make a big deal about it.”
She holds up a hand in surrender, but a smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. “I’m not making a big deal about it.”
“Good.”
“Don’t let her fool you, Mom.” Anna leans against the doorframe, her arms crossed. She cocks her head to the side and shoots a condescending look in my direction. “She’s trying to soften the news.”
Mom’s face pales.
I roll my eyes in exasperation. “Everything is fine, Mom.” I glare at my sister. “Stop acting like a jerk, Anna.”
Anna grins with an evil gleam. “A boy brought her home from school. Her tu-tor.”
Mom turns from Anna to me, her eyebrows stretched so high over her eyes I think they will meet her hairline. “Really?”
“Well.. uh…”
Mom beams, the happiest I’ve seen her in ages. “Are you interested in this boy? Do I know him?”
I groan. This interrogation is exactly what I hoped to avoid. “His name is Evan Whittaker. He’s a junior and he’s tutoring me for his community service hours. He happened to bring me home because the bus already left and it was cold outside. He only did it because he’s a nice guy.” I hate that I’m lying … well, partially. He’s all of those things, just …more.
Anna covers her mouth with her hand and snickers, but Mom doesn’t notice.
“Whittaker? Why does that name sound familiar?” Mom scrunches up the side of her mouth as she thinks. “Oh! I know! His father made the news not too long ago. He’s a researcher for Simmons Industries. He made some big discovery. I just don’t remember what it was.”
“Yeah, I don’t know anything about that. I only know that Evan is tutoring me in three of my classes.” I try to act like it’s no big deal, just some after school activity.
“So you spend a lot of time with him…” Mom tilts her head toward me as though we’re about to share a secret.
I roll my eyes. “Seriously, Mom.”
Anna smirks. “You two spend a lot of time together. In a car. You just never know.”
“Shut up, Anna!” I shout wishing I could kick her without Mom noticing.
Mom grips the side of her head and shuts her eyes. “Girls! Please stop arguing. I have enough to deal with right now.” She leaves the kitchen to change out of her scrubs.
I wait until she’s out of earshot. “Good job, Annabelle.” I hiss, using her full name since she hates it. “Now you upset her.”
“Me? Maybe she wouldn’t be upset if you weren’t going around kissing boys.”
“I’m not going around kissing boys. It was one boy. One.”
“Sure it was. Why would I believe you? You’re the one who made Dad go away.”
Everything within me protests, but it’s true. Dad left because of me. But it doesn’t mean I have to like what she says. “Then why didn’t you tell her that I kissed Evan?”
“I may be eleven, but I’m not stupid. I can use this to my advantage.”
I put my hand on my hip. “Maybe I’ll just go tell Mom right now.”
“You would have told her already if you wanted her to know.” Anna smiles. “So why don’t you want to tell her?”
I only wish I knew.
Chapter Ten
After dinner, I escape to my room and throw myself on the bed. Why don’t I want to tell Mom about Evan? Mom will probably like him. But for now, until I know where this is going, I want to keep it to myself. If it should all crash and burn, I can suffer through it alone.
But it’s more than that. Evan has lit a spark. Right now it’s a tiny flame, but I feel it growing, warming me from the inside out. I feel alive again. It fills me with a buoyancy that I’m still trying to adjust to. I don’t want do it under the scrutiny of my mother.
Doing it under the scrutiny of the entire school is hard enough.
I bury my face in my pillow. I can’t ignore that Evan never acknowledged my existence until a week ago and now… it doesn’t make sense.
My cell phone rings, almost as if he knows I’m thinking about him. I stare at his name on caller ID, afraid to answer and find out he’s changed his mind.
There’s only one way to know. “Hi.”
“Hi.” His voice sounds warm and buttery. “What are you doing?”
Obsessing over you. “Getting ready to start homework. That’s all I do any more. Homework.”
He laughs. “That’s what happens when you don’t do it. It sneaks up on you. Want me to come over and help?” He’s teasing, but I still hear the hopeful tone.
“Tempting, but somehow I don’t think I’ll get as much studying done.” I lie back on my bed and gather my courage. “Evan, why don’t you play football any more?”
He pauses. “I pulled a hamstring.”
“But shouldn’t you still be going to practices and watching from the sidelines? Wearing your jersey on Fridays?”
“Why the sudden interest? I thought you weren’t into football?”
“I’m not. It’s just that…”
“Can I pick you up and take you to school tomorrow?”
His question catches me off guard. “Uh, I don’
t know.”
“If I can’t come over and help you with homework then at least let me drive you to school. I want to spend every minute with you that I can.”
“Why?”
He groans in frustration. “Jules, this again? You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re beautiful. Why wouldn’t I want to be with you?”
I stare at the ceiling, now blurry through my tears. “I used to be that person. Not any more.”
“No, you still are. You just have to find her again.”
“How do you know that Evan? You didn’t even know me before.”
He clears his throat. “You have no idea how sorry I am about that. My only excuse is that I was an idiot. There’s no way I can change that, but I’m begging you to trust me when I say I know who you are. If it’s easier, just think of me as a completely different person than last week.”
I want to trust him, but it’s too soon and there are too many questions. “I’ve got to go.”
“Okay.” He sounds hurt. “Can I pick you up tomorrow?”
I hear Mom calling my name. I don’t want her to walk in and find me on the phone with him. I’ll only have to answer more questions. “Sure.”
“Great.”
I hear her stop outside my door. “I have to go.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow at 7:15.”
I hang up as the door swings open. I jam the phone under my notebook and look up to see Mom standing on the threshold.
“Thanks for cooking dinner,” she says with a smile.
I grimace. It used to be expected of me. “It was nothing. It’s time I start doing my old chores again.”
Tears fill her eyes. “Thanks,” she squeaks before shutting the door.
Great, now I made her cry.
I spend the rest of the night wallowing in guilt, but manage to get through my current homework assignments as well as several chemistry and trig assignments. I keep replaying the last week in my head. I can’t ignore the conversation I overheard in Chemistry. What if Evan’s sudden interest in me has something to do with his disappearance? I dismiss the thought as paranoia. This is real life not some cheesy movie. Still, the worry burrows deep, an insatiable itch.
After I slip under the covers and start to doze, my phone vibrates with a text.
Sweet dreams.
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