by Hazel Kelly
He took a few more strokes before pulling the oars in and resting his elbows on his knees. “How far would you go with me?” he asked, one of his eyes in a half-squint.
My stomach dropped. “What?”
“If this weren’t a lake,” he said. “If it were a river that stretched for miles and miles, how far would you go with me?”
“As far as you wanted to,” I said, meaning it more than he knew.
“And if I wanted to go to the very end?” he asked. “Just to see what was there?”
I shrugged. “I wouldn’t want you to go on your own.”
“You wouldn’t want me to go on my own or you wouldn’t want me to go without you?”
I furrowed my brow. “What’s the difference?”
“Well, in one case you want to be there.”
I stared at him. “What’s gotten into you?”
He scratched the back of his head and looked at his feet. “I don’t know.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, suddenly more worried about Alex than the fact that our boat had drifted so far from shore I couldn’t see the buoys that marked the safe zone anymore.
“I guess I’ve been thinking about regret.”
I cocked my head. “You’re too young to have regrets.”
He looked up at me. “You don’t believe that.”
“No.” I blinked at him. “It just seemed like the kind of bullshit thing an adult would say.”
A half-smile lifted his cheek.
“What do you feel regret about?”
“Nothing yet,” he said. “I’m just afraid I will. You know, in the future.”
“Over what?”
He swallowed, and his eyes dropped to my lips for a second. “Never mind. It’s stupid.”
“No,” I said too quickly. “What is it? What are you afraid you’ll regret?”
He sighed. “Promise you won’t laugh?”
I nodded.
He raised his brows.
“I promise.”
“I’m worried I’ll regret it if I don’t kiss you,” he said. “I’m worried if I leave this summer without at least trying… I’m worried I’ll always wonder if you would’ve kissed me back.”
I swallowed.
“Told you it was stupid,” he said, reaching for the oars.
“That’s not stupid,” I said, leaning forward to put my hand over his.
He looked at my hand and then my face.
“It’s sweet.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ll take you back.”
“But then you’ll never know,” I blurted. “You’ll never know if I would’ve kissed you back.”
He scooted forward on his bench so our knees were almost touching.
“And I’ll never know either.” My mind was a mess of thoughts all of a sudden, the loudest being that I didn’t know the first thing about kissing someone back.
“So I’d almost be doing you a favor?”
“Well, I’d be doing you a favor, too,” I said. “Because you won’t have to live with regret.”
He leaned forward. “Okay.”
I stopped breathing and my voice fell to a whisper. “Okay, what?”
He looked at my lips again and then searched my eyes. “I’m going to do it.”
I closed my eyes and waited for what felt like an eternity.
But moments later, I felt the boat rock gently right before his lips touched mine.
At first he just held them there, but right when I thought I might die of breathlessness, he put a hand on my cheek and parted my lips with his. I gasped at his warm breath and smiled as his tongue slipped around mine, gently at first, and then playfully.
And I remember thinking two thoughts at once. One, that it was pretty obvious neither of us knew what we were doing, and, two, that it was the most wonderful feeling in the world.
T H I R T Y N I N E
- Alex -
I hadn’t heard from her in days, and when I couldn’t stand it anymore, I walked into her gym like I owned the place.
André was working the front desk and almost acted normal around me, except he failed to greet me with his characteristic fist pump and seemed reticent to speak with his usual slang.
“Is Gemma here?” I asked, feigning a casualness I didn’t feel.
“You know it,” he said, nodding towards her office door.
“How’s she been?” I asked, hoping for something that might give me a heads up as to what I was walking into.
He stayed quiet for a moment, as if assessing where his loyalty lay. “Professional,” he said finally. “As always.”
“Right.”
“Can I be straight with you, though?” His eyes darted around the gym.
“Of course.”
He lowered his voice. “I think everyone kind of misses having you around.”
“Thanks,” I said, patting his arm. “That means more than you know.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I think I better explain that to the boss first,” I said, glancing towards the office. “If that’s cool with you.”
“Sure.”
“But I am sorry,” I said. “For lying to you.”
“I’m sure you had your reasons.”
I did,” I said. “Not sure how good they were, but—”
“Better get in there,” he said, giving me the impression that he almost felt guilty for fraternizing with the enemy. Then again, I shouldn’t have been surprised. He and Gemma had been working together for years.
I nodded and excused myself, noticing that everything seemed to be in order as I made my way over to the office. Not that I was expecting any visible evidence that my presence had been missed, but it was a bittersweet observation.
“Come in,” Gemma sang after I knocked.
I stepped inside and my eyes found her behind her desk, right before the color drained from her face.
“I thought you would’ve called by now,” I said, wishing I’d said anything else. God, the last thing I wanted was to sound like a heartbroken teenager.
She considered me before speaking. “It’s not like your fingers were broken in the fight.”
“You told me not to call.”
She dropped her eyes to the open notebook in front of her and took a deep breath.
“I’ve missed you.”
She looked up at me sharply. “Don’t.”
“What do you mean don’t? It’s the truth.”
She laughed. “Oh, well in that case, I guess I believe you. In that case, maybe it doesn’t matter that you’re a liar and a cheat.”
“A cheat?!” I rushed to the front of her desk. “I am not a cheat.”
“Yes you are,” she said, her back stick straight. “You cheated me out of feeling like I earned this job.”
“You did earn this job.”
“Did I?” She squinted at me. “When exactly did I earn it? Before or after you took advantage of me in the steam room?”
I clenched my jaw. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
She scoffed.
“I did not take advantage of you.”
“Didn’t you?” she asked, her eyes fixed on mine. “Because last I checked, if you lie to get a woman into bed, you’ve hardly earned her genuine consent.”
“I didn’t lie to get you into bed.”
“You pretended to be someone else, Alex. You pretended to be someone I knew, someone I trusted.”
“But you do know me.”
She shook her head.
“I know who you wanted me to think you were.”
“You’re being unreasonable.”
“I’m being unreasonable?!”
“At least let me explain—”
She raised a palm to stop me. “With all due respect, I think that will only make one of us feel better, so I’d rather not waste my time.”
“You think hearing me out is a waste of time?”
She crossed her arms. “I think this whole thing has been a waste of time.�
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“That’s not fair.”
“Why?” she asked. “It’s not like any of it was real.”
“It was for me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Give me a break.”
“I did, Gemma. If you look around, you’ll realize I did give you a break. A break you deserved but—”
“Why are you even here?” she asked, leaning back in her chair. “You think I’m going to grovel because I know who you are now? You think I’m going to thank you for making a fool out of me?”
“I didn’t do any of this to make a fool out of you.”
“My feelings were just an unfortunate casualty then, were they?”
“No,” I said, ready to pull my hair out. “If you’ll just let me explain—”
“You have thirty seconds.”
I sighed. “I was going to sell the company. I fell out of love with it, and I was determined to sell.”
She pinched her lips twitched with annoyance.
“But the people I trust most begged me for one last-ditch effort to see if I’d truly lost interest in the business.”
She blinked at me but gave nothing away.
“It was their idea for me to go undercover like this. The exercise was supposed to give me insight into what was and wasn’t working in my gyms.”
She glanced at her watch.
“The reason we picked this one was because of the retention rates.”
She cocked her head.
“All I knew coming in was that this gym was doing something better than all the other locations.”
“And?”
“It’s you,” I said. “You’re the reason it stands out.”
She swallowed.
“There’s no question.” I looked behind me so I could sit down.
“Don’t get comfortable,” she said, sounding no less angry than when I first walked in.
“That’s why I’ve been so encouraging,” I said, stepping away from the chair. “I wanted to see what you would do with the place because you have the passion I used to have.”
“And here I thought you were being supportive because you loved me.”
“I do love you.”
“No, you don’t.”
I furrowed my brow. “Don’t dismiss my feelings. You don’t know what the fuck I feel.”
She lifted a hand and rubbed her eyes.
“I’ve loved you for longer than you know.”
“Oh please. Don’t spoil the lovely connection we had as kids. That wasn’t love. That was a collective two days of friendship spread out over three years.”
“Best two days of my life,” I said, locking my eyes on hers.
She stayed quiet for a minute, and her expression was so sad I felt something in my chest crack.
“Are you done?” she asked finally.
“Loving you or with my speech?”
“Both.”
“Only the latter,” I said. “I’m never going to stop loving you.”
“Yes you are.”
“Sorry, Gemma, but you have no control over that.”
She pressed her lips together.
“I know I hurt you,” I said. “And I’m sorry.”
She sighed. “Too bad there’s nothing as empty as a liar’s words, huh?”
“I’m not a liar,” I said. “I’m a guy who’s about to save six hundred jobs as a result of inadvertently hurting your feelings.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Dismiss me like this is over,” I said. “Like it’s nothing.”
She cast her eyes down, and for the first time since I walked in her office, it occurred to me that perhaps I had us all wrong. Perhaps it was over…at least, for her.
“Gemma.”
She lifted her blue eyes and shook her head. “I’ve had enough of selfish people, Alex, and I’m sick of getting hurt.”
“I would never hurt you.”
“You already have,” she said. “Now if you don’t mind—”
“One more thing.”
Her eyes fell closed like she was truly weary of my company. “What?”
“I’d like you to come to the next board meeting.”
“What for?” she asked.
“To discuss the results of the Fast Track to Fitness classes you’ve been running.”
“And if I say no?”
“Why would you say no?” I asked. “It’s an opportunity to help countless more people.”
“Including you?”
“Yes. Including me.”
She considered the offer quietly for a moment. “Sure, boss. Send me the details.”
I cringed when she called me boss, as there was no love in her voice. “Thanks,” I said, backing towards the door like I was moving through molasses.
After all, I still didn’t know if she’d forgiven me for what I’d done, much less if she had any affection left for me. But some inclination towards self-preservation stopped me from asking those questions.
And for the first time since the experiment began, I feared I might be living a lie.
F O R T Y
- Gemma -
I was going to be late if I put off going in any longer, but I was dreading seeing Alex again, especially in front his colleagues, who I had to assume knew how he’d duped me… God help me if they knew he’d fucked me as well.
After doing my best to remind myself over and over again that this was a professional opportunity that had nothing to do with us, I finally talked myself into getting out of the car and headed into the blue glass building, which was intimidating even before I saw the large fountain in the lobby.
“Good morning,” a woman said from behind the sleek front desk. “How can I help you?”
“I’m here for a board meeting,” I said, clutching a folder to my chest as I balanced on a pair of heels. I thought they might help me look the part, but I worried my discomfort was written all over my face.
Perhaps I should’ve come in my regular uniform instead of my only pantsuit. It’s not like the board would’ve been surprised to see me in sneakers and a logo shirt, but when I put it on this morning, it didn’t seem appropriate.
After all, just because I was pissed at Alex didn’t mean I should shoot myself in the foot before I even had a chance to understand the opportunity before me.
“Name?” the woman asked, her heavy lashes darting back and forth as she read a tablet screen I couldn’t see.
“Gemma Ryan,” I said, my feet beginning to sweat.
“Oh yes. Mr. Becker is expecting you.”
I forced a smile.
“If you head up to the fourth floor,” she said, her palm gesturing around the corner, “someone will be there to greet you.”
“Thanks,” I said, heading towards the elevators. Once I’d called one, I took as many deep breaths as I could manage before the final ding.
Alex was standing outside when the doors opened. He was in a dark blue suit that fit him so well I wondered how I ever could’ve believed he was regular gym personnel. Everything about him oozed authority, charisma, and confidence. Everything about him was attractive. I tried not to stare, but I must’ve, because the doors started to close again.
He thrust a hand out to stop them, and they bounced back open. “Thanks for coming.”
“My pleasure,” I said, determined to be professional despite the butterflies in my stomach.
“You are coming, right?”
“Of course.”
He studied my face. “The board won’t fit in the elevator.”
“Oh, right,” I said, stepping through the seductive scent of his cologne onto the tastefully furnished floor.
“Sharp suit,” he said, turning towards the farthest hallway.
“Thanks,” I said, smiling through my nerves. Ugh. What was it about this guy? He’d disgraced me, and yet I still cared about his attention.
“I know we have some outstanding personal iss
ues,” he said, keeping his voice low as we passed a vase full of purple orchids.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is strictly business, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Right,” he said, a flash of disappointment showing in his eyes. “Good.”
“Good.”
“So tearing that suit off you after the meeting is absolutely out of the question?”
“Correct,” I said, trying to hide that I was flattered.
His cheeks flushed. “Just checking.”
“I wish you wouldn’t,” I lied.
“Understood, Ms. Ryan,” he said, directing his focus up ahead.
Unfortunately, his attempt at formality only heightened my discomfort, and I recalled something my dad often said when I was a teenager, back when I used to let him think I had all the same problems as skinny girls. You can’t go backwards in a relationship, he used to say. Yet here I was getting the Ms. treatment from a man who used to let me come on his tongue… So I guess he got that wrong.
Alex stopped outside a door with a glass window.
On the other side, I could see at least a dozen crisp suits talking around an oval table.
“I’ll start by introducing you to the board,” he said. “Then I’ll ask you to explain your motivation for rolling out the new program, along with what’s worked, what hasn’t, where you see it going, etc.”
I nodded, grateful for the brief.
“You’ll probably have to field some questions afterwards from people who aren’t very good at waiting their turn.”
“Thanks for the warning.”
“But I’ll let you go before we move on to other matters, as I know your time is valuable and that you don’t want to be here.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to be here,” I said, looking up at him.
He searched my eyes.
“It just hurts.”
He clenched his jaw. “Let me make it up to you.”
I shook my head. “Can we just get this over with?”
“As you wish,” he said, opening the door.
We’d barely taken two steps in the room when everyone started clapping.
It was the last thing I expected, and I wasn’t sure what was going on. I assumed they were clapping for Alex, but when I turned towards him, he was looking at me, too, and a few seconds later, everyone around the table stood up.
I glanced over my shoulder.