“I have some hand warmers if you need them,” Finn said, patting his jacket pocket.
“I’m good for now. This cup is really warming up my hands.”
They each sipped their warm ciders. With a full moon set amid an onyx sky, Maggie couldn’t help but admire the beautiful surroundings. She felt so tranquil and relaxed. She knew it wasn’t just the winter carnival or the townsfolk or Oliver’s effusive joy.
“Do you think I’ve changed a lot?” Maggie asked Finn. Being here tonight at the winter carnival reminded her of the last time she’d been at a holiday event here in town. It had felt like a trip down memory lane. She had been ten years old. A lifetime ago for all intents and purposes. Sometimes she wished she still had a sense of childhood wonder. Back then she hadn’t been nervous at all about riding a dogsled. Over the years she’d become more of an anxious person. Pushing past those fears was the best remedy for anxiety. She was trying really hard in all areas of her life to be braver than she felt.
“Not really. Maybe a little bit. Have I?” Finn asked. He ran his hand across his jaw. “Aside from growing into a ruggedly handsome man,” he said in a teasing voice, “I think I’m still me.”
“At first you seemed really different,” Maggie said. She smirked at him. “But once I scratched the surface, you’re the same old Finn.”
“Thanks. I think,” he said with a low-throated chuckle.
“I meant it as a compliment. Sometimes I feel like the best parts of me ended up being chewed up by life. You remind me of a time and place when I was a better version. I wasn’t so anxious or jaded. And lately I’ve been wondering if I passed it on to Oliver. He can be a worrywart sometimes.”
“I don’t believe that, Maggie. Do you know why? Because of Oliver. That kid has more heart than anyone I know, except for his mother. Where do you think that came from?”
Maggie shook her head. “I’m not sure he got that from me. I’ve been so afraid, Finn. Afraid of taking chances. Afraid of the sky falling in.” She shrugged. “Just plain afraid. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I get really anxious sometimes worrying about things that are out of my control.”
He reached out and squeezed her mittened hand. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone has fears. We all worry. Give yourself a break, Mags. You’ve been through a lot. That takes a toll on a person.”
“You’re right. It does,” Maggie said. “I don’t like the feeling of things being out of my control. But the reality is, life often is unpredictable.”
“I get it. When my grandfather got sick I felt as if my world had tilted on its axis.” He bowed his head. “My emotions were all over the place. Fear had me in its grip. I knew there was nothing I could do to keep him in this world and it made me panic. I ran away from the pain of losing him. In the process, I cut myself off from all the people I loved and who loved me in return.” Finn cleared his throat. “I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. Fear cost me that moment.”
She reached out and placed her hand on Finn’s knee. “I’m sorry you missed saying your final farewell to him. There was so much love between the two of you. I hope you’ve been able to hold on to that.”
“It’s been easier to focus on the good memories ever since I returned. Now that I’m no longer running I can finally breathe a little easier. There’s something about being back home that’s been healing in a lot of ways.”
Maggie looked at Finn as surprise washed over her. She felt the same way about being in Love. There was something so special about this heartwarming Alaskan town. “Honestly, I’ve felt different ever since I stepped off that seaplane. I feel braver than I’ve felt in years. And hopeful.”
Finn nodded. “Hope is a wonderful thing.”
They locked gazes. “I’ll tell you a secret, Mags. You were my first crush,” Finn admitted.
Maggie let out a squeal. “Really?”
“Yes, ma’am. I used to wonder if you were crushing on me as well.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her. “So? The moment of truth has arrived. Were you?”
Maggie ducked her head down. Her cheeks felt flushed. She shouldn’t be embarrassed. This was Finn. Her childhood pal. But with his soulful green eyes and rugged good looks, Maggie was having a hard time keeping him strictly in the friend zone. Adrenaline did tend to course through her veins whenever he was in her orbit. As children, her feelings for Finn had been strictly platonic.
“To be honest, no, Finn. It wasn’t until much later that I developed romantic feelings for anyone. I think I was sixteen. A late bloomer, I suppose. I think being around my mother made me wary of developing feelings for anyone. After all, she chased anything with a pulse. It didn’t make for a very stable childhood.” She met Finn’s gaze head-on. “But I’ll tell you one thing, Finn O’Rourke. I thought you were the best thing since sliced bread. You were the most impressive, courageous and wonderful boy I’d ever met. You showed me how to run freely and embrace everything the world has to offer. And you didn’t treat me differently because I was a girl. You taught me not to be so fearful. And you changed me for the better. Every time I left Love I felt stronger and more confident. I owe you a debt of gratitude for that.”
Finn placed his hand over his heart. “That means the world to me. I thought about you long after you left Love for the last time. I kept hoping you’d come back. But you never did.”
“I thought we would come back too. When we left here that last time I never knew it would be twenty years before I came back to Love.” She quirked her mouth. “My mother fought with Uncle Tobias over her lifestyle. He wanted us to stay in Love so I could have a stable upbringing.” She shook her head as bitter memories rose to the surface. “She was always chasing the next best husband. So instead of coming back here we moved to Arizona, then California and New Mexico before heading to New England.”
Finn let out a low whistle. “That’s a lot of moving around.”
Maggie nodded. “It was rough. That’s why I want Oliver to stay rooted in one place. Stability is important for children.”
“Is your mom still around?” Finn asked.
“Yeah, she’s living out in Las Vegas with a new husband. We’re not close. There’s no getting around it. My childhood was a train wreck.”
“That’s too bad,” Finn said. “I guess both of us were going through a lot of dysfunction at the same time.”
She squeezed his hand tightly. “I feel bad complaining when you lost so much.”
Finn looked at her. A bittersweet expression was etched on his face. “Pain is pain, Maggie. It’s hard to compare battle wounds. And you don’t have to feel bad about anything. It’s all right to feel whatever you’re feeling.”
“On a good day my feelings are all over the place,” Maggie admitted.
“That’s what I admire most about you. Your ability to be open and honest. So many people have a filter. You’re genuine, Mags. You always have been.”
Maggie felt her cheeks flush at Finn’s compliment. Their faces were so close together and Finn was gazing into her eyes with such a tender look. Maggie looked up at him, wondering if she was misinterpreting what was about to happen next. Unless she was imagining things, Maggie was fairly certain she was about to kissed by Finn O’Rourke.
Chapter Eleven
Finn looked into Maggie’s eyes and knew he was mere seconds away from kissing her. He tried his best to resist, knowing he was going against every vow he’d made about getting romantically involved with Maggie. He wasn’t any good for her. She deserved someone solid. A father for Oliver. A man who could pledge eternity to her. He was filled with so much fear and anxiety about hurting the people he cared about. And if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t trust himself to go the distance. In so many ways, Finn didn’t fit the bill of what Maggie needed or wanted.
But in this moment everything stilled and hushed
between them. It was just the two of them—him and his beautiful, sweet Mags. She was radiant in every single way imaginable. He reached out and stroked the line of her jaw with his fingers. She was so incredibly lovely. With her creamy skin and vivid eyes, Maggie was a knockout. Those same eyes were looking at him now with a mixture of anticipation and wonder.
“Maggie, I’m not sure I have the right to kiss you, but if I’m being completely honest with you, there’s nothing I’d rather do at this moment.” His voice sounded raspy to his own ears. He wanted this more than he’d wanted anything in his entire life. That very thought worried him, but he stuffed the feeling down and focused on this interlude between him and Maggie. There was a lot to be said about living in the moment.
“I—I haven’t been kissed in a long time, but I’d very much like for you to kiss me.” Her voice was soft yet steady. It rang out with truth.
The raw honesty in Maggie’s words propelled Finn forward. He lowered his head, letting out a sigh as his lips touched Maggie’s. He placed his lips over hers in a tender, soaring kiss. She smelled like a mixture of the great outdoors and a light vanilla scent.
For Finn, this kiss was everything. It was friendship and romance and attraction. It was the ties binding the two of them together for decades. It represented new beginnings.
As the kiss ended, Finn knew with a deep certainty all kisses weren’t created equal. He had kissed enough women in his life to realize this was special. Powerful. Spectacular. Seconds ticked by during which their foreheads touched and neither said a word. He could hear the low sound of his breathing and see the rapid rise and fall of her chest. At the same time, he knew he’d just made a colossal mistake.
“Finn, what does this mean?” Maggie asked, her voice full of uncertainty. “For us? I don’t want to lose our friendship or put a strain on it.”
“I don’t know, but I do know I’m at my best when I’m with you, Maggie. I feel more like me than I ever do with anyone else,” Finn admitted. He didn’t know exactly how to put into words the way he was feeling. But he knew it felt right when Maggie was in his arms. She was rapidly becoming his best friend all over again. Finn cared so very much about her well-being. As a result, he couldn’t stuff down the niggling feelings of doubt roaring through him. He wanted to try with Maggie. He yearned to be the man who could make her and Oliver happy, but he worried about hurting both of them. If he harmed either one of them, he would never forgive himself.
Finn opened his mouth to tell Maggie his truth. Kissing her had been a mistake. It had been a selfish move on his part since he knew it couldn’t go anywhere. Maggie wasn’t the type of woman a man should trifle with.
“Hey, Mom! There you are!” Oliver’s chirpy voice interrupted them as he suddenly appeared in front of them. His cheeks were flushed with cold and his snow pants were damp. “I was looking for you everywhere.”
Maggie grinned at her son. “I think it’s time we headed home, Oliver. Your eyes are getting a little droopy and your cheeks are as red as a berry.” Finn jumped up and lent a hand to Maggie, pulling her to her feet. For a moment their eyes locked. Something crackled in the air between them.
“C’mon,” Oliver said, his voice full of fatigue. “I want to say goodbye to Aidan.”
As they walked back toward the concession stand where the residents were gathered, Finn’s mind was full of regrets. Even though kissing Maggie had been a moment of pure tenderness and connection, Finn couldn’t allow himself to believe in a happy ending.
Sharing this precious time with Maggie hadn’t changed a single thing. He still felt unworthy of a happily-ever-after.
* * *
Maggie had been fretting about the kiss she’d shared with Finn ever since the night of the winter carnival. She’d tried not to focus on it, but it felt like the elephant in the room whenever she and Finn were in the same area. She didn’t know if she was imagining it or not, but things felt slightly awkward. Maggie wasn’t used to kissing a man she wasn’t attached to romantically. Although the past few days had been filled with completing the final days of setup for Keepsakes, she was preoccupied by her conversation with Finn the other night. He had praised her for being open and honest. Forthright. It bothered her to think she was keeping secrets from him, especially when he had been so transparent about his mother’s accidental death.
Maggie couldn’t hold off any longer. She wanted to tell Finn the truth about the circumstances of Sam’s death. At this point, it felt like a lie to withhold such information. It was weighing her down like an anchor. Finn was her best friend here in town. It would feel therapeutic to get it off her chest.
Lord, please help me get the words right. I don’t want Finn to think I’ve lied to him about Sam. And I pray he’ll understand why I kept silent. I know Finn’s heart—he’s a strong, good man.
Maggie cooked that evening for her, Finn and Oliver. It was her specialty—spaghetti Bolognese with garlic bread and salad. Oliver had put both her and Finn on the spot by begging Finn to come for dinner. Maggie didn’t mind since she’d been searching for an opportunity to have a private conversation with Finn. After tucking her son into bed, she stood at the sink and washed the dinner dishes, with Finn drying and putting them back on the shelves.
“Everything okay?” Finn asked. “You seem a bit preoccupied. I hope you’re not worrying about the grand opening. We’re in great shape.”
Maggie shook her head. “It’s not the shop.” She bit her lip. “You’ve been so honest with me about your mother’s death. It’s made me feel a little bit ashamed.”
Finn raised an eyebrow. “Ashamed? Of what?”
“I haven’t been completely straightforward about my husband’s death.”
Finn frowned. His handsome features were creased in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Maggie took a deep breath. “He wasn’t the victim of a store robbery. The truth is he was holding it up for money.” Her voice quivered. “The store owner shot and killed him in self-defense.”
* * *
Finn’s jaw dropped. He stumbled for something to say in response to Maggie’s confession. His mind whirled with the reality of her situation. Not only was she a widowed single mother, but she had been traumatized by the extreme circumstances of her husband’s death. Her husband had single-handedly destroyed their family with his actions.
Finn’s heart began to pound like crazy in his chest.
Maggie wiped away a tear. “Sam lived a double life. He had gotten into trouble with the law from time to time over the years, but mostly for small things.” She let out a harsh-sounding laugh. “Not that it didn’t matter, but I had no idea he was robbing stores. He grew up in really abusive foster homes, so I think I made a lot of excuses for him. I can honestly say I didn’t see it coming.”
“When the police came to my door that night I was in utter shock. I kept thinking Sam was the victim of the robbery because it was the only thing I could fathom. Then it became agonizingly clear he was a very troubled man. One I’d been married to for seven years.”
Finn’s heart was breaking for her and Oliver. It must have rocked their world to its core to have been blindsided in such a shocking way. “Maggie, I’m so sorry you went through all of that. It must have been agonizing.”
“We went through a lot in the aftermath.” Maggie ducked her head. “People weren’t very nice.”
Finn gritted his teeth. “What did they do?”
“I lost my job. We got phone calls and harassing letters. Our landlord kicked us out. Even our church community turned their backs on us. Most of the parents of Oliver’s friends wouldn’t allow their children to have playdates with him. We lost everything all at once.”
Her voice faltered. “What I’ll never understand is why people were so cruel to us. Why they blamed us. We were victims too. We lost our lives.” Maggie’s voice was laced with ag
ony.
“It makes no sense as to why people choose to act in such a mean-spirited way. It’s the very opposite of the way we’re supposed to treat each other. I’ll never understand it, but I do know good people outweigh the bad in this world.” Finn deeply believed it. His faith taught him to do unto others and love one another.
“You’re right, Finn. That’s a good way to look at things,” Maggie said with a nod.
There was no doubt as to how much she and Oliver had suffered due to her ex-husband. Maggie had been terribly wounded by her husband’s actions and subsequent death. His heart bled for Maggie and Oliver. To suffer the condemnation of one’s community after such a tragedy was shocking. He stuffed down a desire to head to Boston and deal with those small-minded people who had hurt Maggie. He’d like to give them a piece of his mind and a dose of their own medicine.
He hated cruelty, especially toward a defenseless and grief-stricken mother and child. It was the very opposite of the way he wanted to live his life.
“Why were you afraid to come clean about it here in Love?” he asked, hating how Maggie had been so consumed with worry about her past. Finn prayed she would put all of it to rest so she could focus on her future.
“Because of all the judgment we endured. Coming here was about making a fresh start. I couldn’t risk losing the goodwill of the people here before we even stepped into town.”
“That would never happen,” Finn said, wanting Maggie to understand this town was different. It was far from perfect, but he knew without a shadow of a doubt the townsfolk would extend Maggie grace and brotherly love.
“I know that now, but at the time I didn’t. I could take it for me, but not for Oliver. He’s just a child. And God knows he’s innocent in all of this. Children shouldn’t suffer the sins of the father.” Her voice broke and she began to sob.
Finn placed an arm around Maggie and pulled her close. “He won’t, Maggie. Oliver is happy and thriving here in Love. You did the very best thing you could for him. You stepped out on a limb of faith and came back to Alaska. You seized an opportunity to make a better life for yourself and Oliver. Those are commendable things.”
An Alaskan Christmas Page 14