by Paula Cox
“Then stop this foolishness and grow up already!”
He wanted that the second she was out of diapers. Because babies, little girls, were messy. Wives like Corinne batted their eyelashes and held their tongues, but that wasn’t Lily. Not yet. Maybe never…
“I am grown up, Dad,” she said. “And I’m just trying---”
“Are you really okay with this?” Craig ignored his daughter and focused all of his attention on Dan and pressed his hands to his hips. “Why don’t you man up and keep her close to home?”
Lily was ready to lay into her father when she saw Dan squirming out of the corner of her eye. He was dancing too close to her father’s line of thinking, and Lily started to head back to her room, ready to leave now, when a set of fingers curled around her wrist. “Dad! Don’t---”
But the hands were Dan’s, and Lily had to look twice as Dan tried to stand tall.
“Your… your father has a point,” Dan he said.
He does not! Lily told him; she whispered into his ear over and over again as they lay side by side. Craig Nielsen wanted to control her, and Lily was not to be held down. Dan said that he got it, that he wanted her to find herself, that he wanted her to be whole with him. And Lily believed him.
“We… maybe we should start making plans.”
Plans? “What are you---?”
“Look, Lily.”
She let him take her hand, and Lily tensed as she waited for whatever he might say.
Turn around. Come back to my side. You said that you got---
“But… you’d be better off… you’d…”
He couldn’t finish the thought, and Lily leapt.
“I just want some time to myself!” she screamed.
“Lily, you---”
Pushing past her lover, Lily stared her father down. “And I’ve earned this,” she said.
Craig’s laugher shook her to the core of her soul. “And what happens when you need my help?” he asked,
Lily would sooner die than ever ask for it, and she stretched close to her father’s height and glared at him. “I won’t,” she said.
Leaving the table, Lily packed faster. She had promised that she would stay through that night’s dinner, but she wanted to leave now. Leave and never look back…
“Lily?”
Dan lingered in the doorway, and Lily was stiff as he took her hand.
“Please… please don’t go.”
CHAPTER TWO Seeing her reflection in his sad dog stare, Lily hesitated. To look at him on paper, to explore him in the flesh, he appeared perfect. He had never been anything but good to her, and the sex…She had some complaints there. Every time she wanted to try a different position, introduce a little kink into their routine rituals, he made like a choirboy. Her mother would say that suggested a good husband, a loyal man who would never get bored and never stray. And maybe there would come a day when she’d be grateful for the security, but right now…
“If you think I’m spending one more night here---”
“Lily– ”
“With my father judging me, thinking that I can’t take care of myself– because I can– ”
“I know that,” he whispered. “But why can’t you just let me take care of you?”
Before she could answer, Dan pulled her into a soft kiss. Tensing against his chest, Lily was slow to wind her arms around his waist, but she finally held him close. Remembering their strolls down the quad, Lily always felt a slight thrill when other girls saw what was hers and yearned to just hold his hand, craved to know his kiss. If those girls could see and corner her now, no doubt they would blast her for being the world’s worst girlfriend. Maybe she was, and when he ended their kiss with a smile and a stroke of his fingers down the side of her face, Lily’s mind exploded with a wild idea, and she playfully danced her fingers down his neck.
“You want to come with?”
He looked like the ground had been kicked out from under him. “Oh! I… but you said–”
“I know,” she purred. “But it might be fun to have some company out on the open road. Think about it. You and me. Miles and miles to explore. It– ”
“You know… you know I can’t,” he stated plainly.
“But why not?” she asked, hearing the childish tone in her voice but not caring as soon as the words passed through her lips.
“I start work next week,” he said. “You know that these positions---”
“Oh please,” she said with a groan. “Like your daddy can’t hook you up with another firm in a few months’ time.”
Dan backed away from her and pressed his hands to his slim hips. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he challenged.
A part of her wished that she could take it back, but it was far from a lie. Dan’s dad had every major financier from Reno to LA in the palm of his hand. So what if he had to disappoint one friend; there were always others. And while Dan was still a young man, he should need to… he should want to take a chance.
“I’m just saying---”
“My father expects me to be responsible,” he started. “To, you know, be a grown-up?”
Lily seethed as her fingers curled into a small fist. “So you’re saying that I’m not?” she said.
“I’m saying that your father is still going to let you walk out that door,” Dan said.
“Can you blame me?” Lily said. “You heard–”
“And he made a lot of sense!” Dan said, his voice growing louder. “You don’t even have a plan. Just going to wander around from day to day, anything could happen to you…”
So was he concerned? Was that where was this was coming from? Sighing, she started to take his hand again.
“And you just expect me to wait,” Dan said. “Well you know what? Maybe I’ll have my own little adventure while you do your hobo thing.”
It might have been an empty threat, but his words stabbed her to the core. If he really loved her, he would let her go and trust in her return. Or he would drop everything and come with her. But to threaten her? To try to make her jealous to make her stay? “Now who’s acting like a three-year-old?” Lily said. Dan didn’t buckle, and suddenly Lily couldn’t stand the sight of him. “You know what?” Lily started. “You do your thing, I’ll do mine. And we’ll see what happens when the summer’s over.”
Zipping up her bag, she stomped towards the top of the staircase. Would he follow her now, grab her arm and say that he didn’t really mean it, that he was simply terrified at the prospect of losing her? Lily paused for all of a second, but when she didn’t hear his footsteps, when she didn’t hear the sound of his voice, she started to descend and set her eyes on the front door.
“Lily! Wait!”
It was her mother. Not Dan. Corinne grabbed her arm and forced her daughter to face her.
“Mom, please–”
“No you please!” she said. “I’m still your mother, and you will listen to me.”
Here it was. A final lecture in a series of three. Lily struggled some as her mother dragged her towards the sitting room and sat her down on the sofa.
“You’re not changing my mind,” Lily started. “I–”
“You think I don’t know that?”
Lily never thought that her mother could never surprise her. Never a hair out of place, her nails always perfectly filed, Corinne was all about appearances. On her graduation day, Dan had to be in every picture so that Corinne could line her scrapbook with the storybook images of her future son-in-law. If anyone wanted her to get with it and stay, her mother fit the bill.
So why was she sounding as if she agreed?
“You were stubborn from the day you were born,” Corinne said. “Naturally you were late to the party, and I–”
“I know, Mom,” Lily said. “Labor for thirty-nine hours. You never thought that you would get through–”
“Did you suddenly have a baby?” Corinne said.
Backing down, Lily lowered her eyes and held her tongue.
“I didn’t t
hink I would get through it,” Corinne continued. “And your father was furious with you even then. He wanted you on a schedule before you even saw the light of day, but believe me, his face brightened so when he finally saw you.”
Lily had heard that a million times, too. And sometimes, if she reached into the darkest corners of her memory, she thought that she recalled moments when her father looked at her with nothing but love and pride. In recent days, there was only frustration mingled with disgust. And now Dan had that same look. “I really have to–”
“I know, Lily,” she said. “And I’m not going to tell you that you can’t.”
Cocking her eyebrow, Lily managed a faint smirk. “Not going to lock me up and throw away the key?” she teased.
Laughing lightly, Corinne shook her head. “Now what would be the point of that?” Corinne pulled her daughter close.
Resting her nose to her neck, Lily inhaled her jasmine scent. If anything was going to make her stay, this might do it.
“So listen to me.” Holding her daughter at arm’s length, Corinne fixed her face in a stern mark, but her eyes still brimmed with tears as she spoke. “Go,” Corinne started. “See what you need to see. Maybe you’ll even find something sweet.”
Lily bit down on her lip. Torn between her desire to explore and the lure of her mother’s embrace, she felt the weight of everyone else’s judgment slip away.
“So you do get it,” Lily said.
“I do,” Corinne said. “I don’t like it, but I understand.” Helping her daughter to her feet, Corinne walked Lily to her car and patted her cheek. “But whatever you find out there, come back. Can you do that much?”
Lily promised with a hug, and she finally slipped behind the wheel. Backing down the driveway, she caught a glimpse of Dan peering down at her from her bedroom window. A small part of her wanted to wave, blow him a kiss, just something to show him that she still cared, but when he closed the drapes and turned his back, Lily hit the gas and took off. Maybe she would come back to him at the end of her journey, but, for this moment, she pushed him out of her mind and looked forward with a scared but excited heart.
CHAPTER THREE Lily drove on the highway for a long while. Should she have said goodbye to Dan? Tried and failed to make her father understand one last time? As the asphalt continued to stretch ahead of her, she grew more and more confident in the wisdom of her decision. Her mother would calm her dad down, and Dan would set his nose to his work. They would be fine, and when Lily finally came back, at least one of them would seem glad to see her. She imagined pinching Dan’s cheek, telling him that her wanderlust was out of her system. That she still wanted to…
But would she?
Highways were far too familiar for this trip, and she turned off at the next exit. Passing through a small town of tinier houses and dusty dirt roads, Lily imagined what it might be like to live in a place like this. Endless yard sales and weathered faces watched as she passed by in her Lexus, and Lily smiled back at each and every set of eyes. Maybe life should be lived trying to make it from one day to the next and the next. At least that really was living. The thought sounded ungrateful as it reverberated in her mind, but she wanted to know what it was to scrape and struggle and just wonder what the next day might bring.
Deciding to put her theory to the test, she shifted her car again. The Lexus bumped and shook as she met the gravel of the desert floor, and as she slackened her pace, Lily marveled at the jagged mountains stretching towards the clear blue sky. Should she park and try to climb to the top? Truly see everything through a new set of eyes?
Lily nearly parked the car, but then she thought better of the impulsive plan. She wasn’t wearing the right shoes, she had none of the right equipment, and the last thing she needed was to take a tumble and end up injured in the vast, open desert. Driving on, she pondered the sand as it swept across her tires. A stranger like her raced over the grains and sent it spinning in other directions. Sometimes it landed right back where it had started; sometimes the wind grabbed hold and sent it somewhere new. And Lily longed for that. She wanted to get lost in the breeze and see what else was out there.
Open spaces kept spilling ahead of her, and she lowered her window. Taking a deep breath of sandy air, she untied her hair and let it fall across her neck. She wanted to keep driving forever. She had promised her mother that she would come back, and someday she would. But there was a whole wide world that was up for the taking, and Lily was ready to take hold of it with both hands and see–
“Shit! What the–”
She heard her tire gasp, and she struggled to keep the wheel in her hands. It spun wildly through her fingers, and Lily pushed down on the break in a desperate bid to keep from crashing. “No,” she muttered. “Not happening. Not on my first morning…”
As her car nearly crashed into a stray rock, Lily turned the Lexus away from the oncoming crash, and she came to a halt on a hard piece of desert soil. The brake finally obeyed the pulse of her foot, and her body bumped against the steering wheel. She was grateful that the airbag stayed intact, and as she turned the key in the ignition, she stepped out to survey the damage.
“Christ…” A definite flat. Out here. Alone. Popping the trunk, Lily saw the jack but no spare tire. “What the…?” And then she remembered the doughnut that Dan had helped her with when she hit a gas pump too hard and had to call for help. How could she have forgotten to replace it before her trip? She had planned everything so carefully…
She still had her phone, and as she entered her passcode, she prayed for a signal. Not to call Dan. Or her father. She’d rather die than give them the satisfaction, but she needed someone to get her out of this mess. With only one bar, she fished through her glove compartment and tried to contact Triple A. Tried four times. But every time the call nearly connected, it faded away under her hands, and she cursed quietly as she kicked her damaged car. “What the fuck?” she groaned. “Some kind of a sign or something?”
Just when she thought that the world was having a laugh at her expense, salvation appeared on the horizon. A Dodge Ram pickup truck glided closer, and Lily shielded her eyes with her hand as the driver stepped out onto the sand.
He was tall with slender legs and a broad chest. Staring at her through dark brown eyes above hollowed cheeks, the man gave her a friendly wave as he stepped closer. “Need some help?” he asked.
If he was offering, Lily was accepting. “Looks like,” she said. “I… I guess I hit a rough patch or something, and…” Gesturing towards her deflated tire, she shook her head with a weak laugh. “Well you can see for yourself.”
Kneeling down, the stranger examined her shredded tire with careful eyes. He pressed the broken rubber between his fingers and whistled lightly. “That I can,” he said.
As he smiled up at her, Lily felt a small buzz in the pit of her stomach. The stranger was dark, handsome in a messy sort of way, and she remembered one of the reasons that she had wanted to make this trip. As much as she thought she loved Dan, this man caused every hair on her body to stand on edge. The smell of grease and sweat wafted off of him in sweet waves, and she blushed when he wiped his palm on the back of his jeans before offering her a shake.
“I’m Rex,” he said.
Rex.
It was old-fashioned and modern in the space of a single breath, and she lightly touched his fingers as she smiled shyly. “That’s nice,” Lily said.
Rex tightened his grip, and Lily’s body did not resist as her dragged her closer to his side.
“And you are?” he asked.
Staring into his eyes, Lily stood tall and met his entire gaze. “Lily,” she whispered. “Just Lily.” She had no desire for surnames; they weren’t part of the plan. What she did want was for Rex to fix her car. She longed to see his muscles rippling from his chest to the curves of his back. Just to look at him was to know that he could get the job done. And when he succeeded, she wanted to show him just how grateful she–
“Just Lily is good en
ough for me,” Rex said. “Now, how about you make yourself comfortable.”
Loving the sound of his voice, Lily let him lead her towards a lonely rock, and he sat her down carefully.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
As expected, he stripped off his jacket and tried to repair the gash. And his arms were broad and smooth. If he got the job done, Lily vowed to repay him with a kiss. He deserved nothing less; he deserved more. And even when he turned back to her with a heavy sigh, she was still contemplating all the ways in which she could repay his attempted kindness.
“No go?” Lily asked.
Rex shook his head. “Just how fast were you driving?”