by Mia Kayla
He surprised me by placing his other hand on top of mine, sandwiching my hand in the middle. “It feels good to talk about my mom.” Such sadness filled his eyes that I had to swallow back the lump in my throat. “I can’t do this with many people. I always feel like I’m depressing them.”
I exhaled a shaky breath. “It’s because I know how you feel.”
“I know you do. And Jenny’s a great girl. I want her to be happy. Someday, some guy is going to swoop her up and treat her right.” A whoosh of breath released from his mouth, and then he glanced in my direction, his eyes boring into mine. “Funny thing is…the day I finally cleaned out my old room and got rid of a box of stuff Jenny gave me from high school, is the same day I met you.”
My heart beat loudly in my ears from his intensely unwavering stare. “Josh…” I tore my gaze away from his and clasped my hands together. “Your life is what you make it. It has nothing to do with me.”
He smiled and touched the tip of my nose, forcing me to meet his eyes. “But what if you’re wrong? What if things are destined?”
“I don’t think so.”
Drive and determination had brought me to Chicago. Yes, it was to escape the tragedy of my mother’s death, but I was going to make a life for myself—by myself.
“I’m going to go to a top-notch culinary school, specialize in pastries and serve as head chef one day at a restaurant of my choice. That isn’t fate, Josh. That’s pure will.”
“I don’t doubt for one second that you’ll head up a restaurant one day. But I believe in fate, Sam. I do. Especially when it comes to finding that one person.”
“Josh, just like how you choose your profession, you choose the person you want to be with.”
I’d watched my father choose a new woman and my mother choose her fate.
Fate didn’t choose you; you chose it. Maybe I’d been tainted by my childhood, but that was all I’d ever known.
He stared at me for a second longer than was comfortable, and then he blinked. He seemed so sure of himself. “How about we see which theory wins?”
Chapter 16
My hands dipped into the large bag of chips as Josh continued to massage my feet through my thick wooly socks on my couch. Hanging out at his place had been used as an excuse to avoid the paps, but since my face had been blasted all over the Internet and every rag mag, hanging out and vegging on junk in front of my TV was our regular now.
The Fast & the Furious was playing in the background, a movie I hadn’t seen yet. This had somehow become our norm as the colder weather moved in. While Chloe had been busy with her job and working overtime, Josh had been my constant, always there.
When Vin Diesel and Paul Walker stepped into the scene, I couldn’t help but smile. One had to appreciate beautiful people at their finest.
“Look at that smirk.”
“What?” I wiped the smile off my face and composed myself, popping a chip in my mouth.
Josh chuckled. “I’m used to women drooling over Paul Walker. My sister has him as her computer wallpaper, so yeah…”
He leaned over, and I popped a chip in his mouth as his hands continued to work on my sore feet. There was a comfort in being with Josh that relaxed me. Though I’d never admit it out loud, I was getting attached to him, our routine, and his cheerful, adorable self.
“I’m done eating chips for dinner. Let’s get some real food,” he said.
I pushed up into a sitting position. “Are you saying, Lays doesn’t fulfill my daily nutritional requirement?” I quirked an eyebrow, curious as to what his real food entailed. “What kind of food are we talking about?”
“The kind that fills our daily requirements and then some.” He smiled with both dimples. “Coozie’s Pizza with extra onions and hot sauce.”
We high-fived.
“Yes!” I lifted a fist to the ceiling. “Pizza and hot sauce,” I singsonged.
Josh retrieved his keys from the counter. “Get ready, Sam. We’re going to chow down.”
“Five minutes.” I jolted from the couch and into my room.
I was on a mission—a mission to fill my stomach to its max with Coozie’s pizza. I rushed toward my dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans, shimmying out of my pajama pants. When I turned toward my bed and reached for the sweatshirt on my comforter, a familiar ringtone sounded on a phone I kept charged but no longer used.
For a second, I thought I was hearing things, and then my heart sped up in tempo. Before I could think of what I was doing, my feet moved, and I was digging to the bottom of my dresser where I pulled out the phone that Hawke had given me.
I waited. Seconds ticked by like minutes. Then, it rang again. The inside of my palms began to sweat as I picked up the call on the third ring.
“Sunshine?”
Hearing Hawke did things to me, irrational things to my body. My throat went dry as I just listened to the sound of his voice.
“H-hey,” I croaked out.
Music was booming in the background. Wherever he was, he wasn’t without company.
“It’s so great to hear your voice, Sunshine!” he yelled over the noise. “I’m back stateside and in town.”
My eyes fell shut. Where is this going? What is he thinking?
I couldn’t see him.
Please don’t ask.
“For a concert?” Of course not because I would’ve known. I’d stopped cyberstalking him, but I would’ve for sure known if he had a concert in Chicago. If anything, Chloe would’ve told me.
“Yes, for a last-minute charity concert. We’re the surprise act. I want to see you.”
There was no hesitation in his voice, and my rational side was screaming at me to think before I answered.
“Don’t you miss me? Because, hell, all I’ve been thinking about is you.”
Liar, liar, pants on fire. Then, why haven’t you called me?
“Sunshine?”
“Yeah. Sorry, I’m just a little shocked to hear from you. You know, it’s been a while.” I rubbed the back of my neck and tried to slow my breathing.
“I wanted to call you.” Sincerity leaked from his tone. “I just had to make sure that everything was clear, that the paps wouldn’t hound you anymore. Who knows what they have access to or who’s watching or listening?”
My mouth fell silent. I had no words. He should’ve checked on me, should have called or texted or something to find out if I was okay.
“I made it here. When Alan asked if we were up for this Chicago charity thing, I said hell yeah. I knew I had to see you again.” His tone softened. “I’m going to send Tilton to come fetch you, yeah?”
I bit the edge of my thumbnail. Say no. Say no! “I don’t know.”
“I’m in town, and you don’t want to see me?”
I did want to see him, but whatever was happening between us was teetering on unhealthy.
The door to my bedroom banged open. “You decent in here?” Josh’s eyes were shut tightly as he waded into my room, arms straight in front of himself and palms out, walking like a blind man.
It was hilarious and endearing, and I shouldn’t want Hawke when I had a man like Josh in my life.
My heart shouldn’t beat faster when I talked to Hawke. But I couldn’t control my heart. What the heart wanted was what the heart wanted.
I struggled with an internal debate. One where I debated even entertaining this call because, if I saw him, I’d be a puddle of mush again.
I wasn’t this girl, unstable and weak. I prided myself on always making the right choices, concise decisions. But I was also never the girl who rock stars called. Things like this had never happened to me before Hawke.
“Who’s that?” The change in Hawke’s tone gave me whiplash.
Silence filled the air, and when I flipped toward Josh, his eyes now open, his facial features dropped. A part of me sensed he knew who I was talking to.
“You’ve got a boyfriend now, Sunshine?”
“No, it’s not that.”
> “So, are you going to come see me?” There was hope in his voice again, the same one that weakened my resolve.
I wanted to see him. Gosh, even though I knew, deep down, that was the worst possible idea, I knew I was going to see him. But I didn’t want to go there on his terms.
I tore my eyes from Josh and focused on the carpet. “I’m going to dinner with a friend first, and then I’ll meet you. Where are you at?”
“Keep your phone on you, Sunshine.” His tone brightened. “Call me when you’re done. I’ll text you so you know where to find me.”
I gripped both hands on the phone, feeling unsteady. “Okay.”
“I can’t wait to see you,” he said.
“Thanks.” Thanks? God, I needed help.
When I hung up the phone, the heat of Josh’s questioning eyes was on me. He deserved an explanation, but I couldn’t seem to find the words.
“We seeing a concert tonight?”
I peered up at him to see him smirking, as though everything were okay, but it wasn’t. There was a twinge of sadness in his eyes.
“I’m assuming that was the rock star,” he said, his voice taking a mocking tone.
I nodded, still trying to find my bearings. Thing was…I had fallen for a rock star and couldn’t seem to find my way out of those murky waters.
“You’re not ditching me for him, are you?” Josh’s voice was light, but that was opposite to the disappointment in his tone.
“No. No, of course not.” I straightened, giving him a shaky smile. “Let’s go. I’m starving.” The cold phone was stuck hard against my palm. With a sweaty hand, I stuffed it in my purse.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “I’m picking the pizza since you’re ditching me later. So, I pick pepperoni.”
“I’m not ditching you,” I defended. “I just…” Just what? Because I probably was ditching him.
But it wasn’t like Josh and I were dating. I was free to see whomever I wanted. Still…why was my heart filled with so much guilt?
There was intensity in his eyes, but he shrugged. “It’s fine because I’m coming with you. I want to meet this rock star of yours.”
I reeled back, trying to tell if he was serious. “Why?”
A muscle twitched in his jaw. “Because I want to see what he’s got that I don’t have.”
“Josh…”
“I’m kidding, Sam.” He chuckled, but I could tell it was forced. His irresistibly devastating grin was vacant. “I want to meet him. After all, right now, he’s the biggest thing since electricity.”
He wrapped an arm around my neck and escorted us out my apartment door in one swift movement. The restaurant was no more than fifteen minutes away.
Coozie’s was the best Chicago pizzeria, hands down. The scent of cheese, meat, and spices infiltrated my senses.
Growing up, pizza had always been my comfort food. My mother and I had spent numerous hours in our kitchen making homemade pizza. The tastiness of Coozie’s and their sauce reminded me of my childhood.
Josh tapped his fork against the table. “And here I thought, you were a smart woman, Princess.” He adamantly shook his head. “New York pizza is miles better than Chicago pizza.”
My head did a one-eighty, noting the packed-in Chicago patrons chowing down on their deep-dish pizza. “I think you’re outnumbered here.”
“If you need a fork to dig into it, then it’s debatable that it’s even pizza.” His eyes taunted me for a comeback.
I dug my fork into my stuffed cheese and pepperoni pizza where I twirled the long, stringy cheese. The cheese strings hung from my fork like thick yarn from a needle. I stuffed it into my mouth, slowly pulling the silverware from my lips. “Mmm,” I said, as though my mouth were experiencing a foodgasm.
His eyes flashed. “New York pizza is still the best,” he said though his voice was less convincing. “I’m telling you, Princess, New York pizza all the way!” And then, just when I thought my ears weren’t hot enough, he started chanting, “New York pizza! New York pizza!”
I pushed my chair back, stood, and covered his mouth with my hand. His voice was muffled against the inside of my palm, and we both started laughing.
He’s a little crazy, I mouthed to the people in front of us.
Josh pulled me onto his lap and bit the inside of my palm. Something about him and his ability to make me laugh felt natural. It was his God-given talent.
I pressed my hand harder to his mouth, trying not to giggle. “Young man, are you going to behave?” I gave him a stern motherly look.
When he nodded, I slowly lifted my hand from his lips.
“New York…” he started to say.
I pressed my palm against his mouth again.
“Josh!” I begged him with my eyes. “I’d really like to get back to eating. Okay, maybe New York pizza is the best, but in all honesty, I’ve never tried it. So, right now, the argument is over until I can give your pizza a fair chance, all right?”
He rapidly blinked, followed by a wide-eyed stare. “You’ve never tried New York pizza?”
“It’s kind of hard when I’ve never been to New York.”
“I’m going to take you one day. How about tonight?” He smirked like he was joking, but his eyes held such hope.
I swallowed, remembering Hawke.
Hawke was rough and sexy while Josh was stable and sweet. I couldn’t help comparing the massive differences between them. I had a weakness for Hawke—a clearly irrational weakness that I couldn’t shake. I’d like to blame it on Hawke’s rock-star status, but it went deeper than that.
“Someday…but not tonight.”
“Tell me something.” Josh angled closer. His voice was thick and unsteady, but his hold was fierce, his hands tight around my waist. “Tell me why you’re seeing him again.”
I peered up into his gentle, beautiful eyes. With Josh, he was so transparent. I could see the curiosity and frustration and torment in his brown eyes staring back at me. I never had to wonder what he was thinking because I could just tell.
And, because he was so honest and up-front with me, I could only be the same with him. That was the nature of our relationship.
“If I could just turn it off and force myself not to want more, then I would. I like him. Him, not just the famous singer.”
I thought of Paris and how sweet Hawke had been, taking me on a mini tour and scheduling a session with the chef. It went beyond his rock-star status and the physical attraction between us. It was his imperfect soul and creative, destructive mind.
“Josh, I don’t want to lead you on.”
If anything, his hold only tightened around me. “And you’re not, Princess.”
Before he released me, he kissed the inside of my palm, sending sparks flying up my arm.
Changes.
That was what was happening between us.
Chaotic changes.
After dinner, we hailed a cab.
Josh slipped in right beside me on the well-worn leather seat. Candy and gum wrappers were crumpled on the floor. The cab reeked of smoke and incense that had me holding my breath and debating on whether I should flag the next cab down.
I slapped Josh’s hand when he tried to pay again. “No, dude. Not cool.” I gave him a death stare.
He yanked his hand back and started to laugh. “Ridiculous Princess,” he said under his breath.
We stepped out of the car and into a crowd of hundreds standing in front of the stadium.
“You’d think some rock star was in there or something,” Josh said. It might’ve sounded sarcastic if he didn’t look so endearing.
“Hold on.” I pulled the special phone from my back pocket and placed it on my ear. “Tilton? It’s me.” I glanced up to the sign above me. “We’re at the west exit. Okay, see you soon.”
Between my fingertips, I twisted at my charm bracelet as the tension rode up my shoulders.
I hadn’t seen Hawke in so long, and the thought of s
eeing him set me hot and cold, all at once. I didn’t want to expect things from our relationship. Expectations led to disappointment. If I’d learned anything in life, it was that.
Yet I couldn’t help but hope for something more. Something regular. Something real.
I snapped myself back to reality.
Just have fun, Sam. That’s how this relationship started.
I want to see him, and that’s why I’m here.
Josh snapped his fingers in front of my face. “Earth to Samantha. What’s going on in that overanalyzing big brain of yours?” He tipped his head to the side. “You know you don’t have to go. Right now, we can top that pizza with some dessert, if that’s what you want.” He squeezed my hand, his smile hopeful, and a spark of some indefinable emotion was in his eyes.
“Josh, I can’t. It’ll be good.” I hoped. “You’ll love watching them play live.” I forced enthusiasm in my voice, for both of our benefits.
Whereas Josh calmed me, Hawke sent my nerves into a frenzy. Simply holding Josh’s hand kept me centered while just talking to Hawke threw off my whole equilibrium. I had never been a wild child before. I’d lived my life functioning as a mother to my own mother. When I’d made that leap that first night with Hawke, I’d promised myself that I’d live out of my comfort zone, which was what I was doing.
Tilton erupted from the door, his almost seven-foot frame practically having to duck. I smiled big, and I swore, I saw the corners of his mouth twitch. Of course, I’d never seen him smile, but I had come to know him so well that I recognized the little changes in his facial features.
“Miss Clarke.” When he approached and Josh stepped closer to me, Tilton’s vein by his temple throbbed, a small indication that he wasn’t happy.
I suddenly doubted my decision to bring Josh. A second later though, a new resolve settled in my skin. Who knew what Hawke and I were? But I didn’t owe him an explanation of my friendship with Josh.
“Josh, this is Tilton. Tilton, Josh.” I waved my hand between them.
Josh tilted his head all the way back to take in Tilton’s height and he extended his hand. “Hey, buddy. I’m figuring I should stay on your good side.” He flashed him a cool Josh grin, one that would have been contagious if Tilton were halfway normal.