by Mia Kayla
He reached for my waist, but I stepped back. If Hawke touched me, I would be a goner and give in. Give in to the magic of his touch.
With one large step forward, he closed the gap between us, tugging me in by the waist, his hold fierce and uncompromising.
He pressed the softest of kisses to my temple. “I haven’t been with anyone since you. That was before, and this is now.”
I closed my eyes. I hadn’t expected him to say that. It had been weeks since I’d seen him.
But how did I know if he was telling the truth?
“I’m serious. I only want you, Sunshine.” He pulled back, and his green eyes bore into mine. “This charity concert? This was a last-minute thing, and I pushed to come here because of you.”
My hands gripped the sides of his shirt, needing something to hold on to. “I like you. A lot.” Heat formed behind my eyes as deep emotions rushed to the surface. “Maybe more than I should because of who you are, but…”
I couldn’t be with him without losing myself completely. I wanted more than what we were right now, more than a regular hook-up or a random fling. Because I was a relationship type of girl. I’d thought I could do the temporary fun-with-the-rock-star thing, but I couldn’t.
Hawke’s one hand made its way up to the nape of my neck. “None of that fucking matters. All that matters is me and you.”
“I’m afraid of getting hurt.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek and tried to keep it together.
“You’re the only one I’ve been with since the last time we were together. You’re the only one I want to be with.” His eyes never wavered from mine, revealing the intensity of his words. “Ignore Alan and the rest of them. I haven’t touched drugs in years, and I don’t even know that woman. That baby is not mine. All that matters is me and you, right now.”
When I didn’t answer, he spoke more fiercely, “Me and you, Sunshine. Okay?”
I peered up into his eyes. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to ignore the noise around me and pretend like we could work even though doubt plagued my mind. It was more than the other women; it was his whole rock-star lifestyle. It was the fact that there would be weeks where he wouldn’t call me. Weeks where I wouldn’t hear his voice. Weeks where I’d wait and wonder if our time together even mattered to him at all.
But, when he bent down to meet my lips, I let him have me, and all my sanity flew out the door.
This time, my heart won the battle against my mind.
We ignored everyone else for the rest of the night and lay in bed. The city lights filtered through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Who knew what time it was?
Naked and in utter bliss, I turned over to find Hawke staring at me. I released a long sigh, knowing this was our only night together until our next night together—whenever that would be.
He brushed an escaping strand of hair from my face and intently stared at me. His eyes held a seriousness that I’d never seen before.
“Come with me,” he whispered.
“Where?”
“Wherever I go. Just come with me.” He smiled his carefree smile. It was the kind of smile that showed he didn’t have to think about how he would make rent next month, the kind of smile that showed he had access to all of life’s desires. “Come with me on tour.”
I stared deep into his eyes. Rich, famous, and no cares in the world. But I had cares. I had a career and friends and a life. Could I leave all of that behind for something that might not even work?
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.” His fingers trailed to my stomach, teasing me.
“No, Hawke.” Oh, how badly I wanted to give him a different answer. But it was true. I’d been wondering how I’d feel when he finally asked me to stay, to come with him, to be with the band, to live this life. But…now that it was staring me in the face, I couldn’t. “I have work, and I’m applying to Cordon Bleu soon, along with some other schools in case I don’t get accepted.”
His fingers inched lower. “How about I employ you?”
When his fingers pierced my insides, a low moan escaped me.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He dropped his head against my neck and chuckled. Wetness met his touch as his length hardened against my leg. “I already booked you a one-way ticket.”
I gripped his hand and stilled him before my brain turned to mush, and my words were incomprehensible.
He lifted his eyes to mine. Vulnerability showed through the green irises staring back at me.
“Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t.” I had to still get all my recommendations together and apply for school. I had goals, dreams, and ambitions that went above and beyond the rock star. Goals set in motion when my mother had been alive and goals that I would accomplish now that she wasn’t here—for the both of us.
He wasn’t giving up, his panty-dropping smile heavy on his face. It was as if I were talking to the Devil himself, and he hadn’t heard a word I’d said.
Want, want, want. Take, take, take. That was what he was used to.
“You should do whatever you want to,” he mumbled around kisses against my stomach.
“I have a job,” I choked out, already falling under his spell again, caused by his soft, warm kisses.
“So what? You need money? I have all the money in the world. I’ll add you to the payroll.”
I didn’t respond, but I started to pull away from him.
He sat up and sighed. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
For some reason, I didn’t think many people said no to Hawke.
“Very serious. I have obligations, Hawke. A job. I want to be a chef someday, have a career. I have aspirations beyond being your…whatever it is that I am to you.” I jutted out my chin, my determination strengthening.
He needed to understand that I was serious.
His facial features fell, and the mood shifted when my stare didn’t waver from his. He was the first to break eye contact.
He let out an audible sigh and narrowed his eyes. “Is that what you really want? To leave?”
And, like that, he shut down and turned away.
I reached for his face, trying to erase the disconnected look in his eyes. I didn’t want to hurt him any more than I wanted to be hurt by him. “You’re accomplishing your dreams, and I still want to accomplish mine.”
I lifted my lips to kiss him and lighten the tension in the air, but he stiffened on contact. After a moment, he gave in, deepening the kiss, leaving me breathless and unable to speak.
He whispered against my lips, “What do you want?”
I angled away from him to read his eyes.
“Sunshine, what do you want?” he repeated. The fierceness in the span of green staring back at me tightened my chest.
Everything. “Nothing.”
He huffed, dropped his head against the pillow, and faced the ceiling. With one hand, he pulled his long, wavy strands to the top of his head. “There’s always a price. Everyone wants something. My mother, management, the band, the fans…” He blew out a hard breath. “And the thing is”—he leaned into me— “this is the first time I feel the need to give a woman everything she wants. So, tell me what you want.” His eyes searched mine for answers. “Whatever it is, it’s yours.”
“Hawke…” What could I tell him that wouldn’t leave me defenseless?
I wanted the happily-ever-after, the American dream. To do that, I needed to stabilize myself, get a secure job—my dream job. I wanted more than my mother had had, more than she’d wanted for herself. I wanted more from him. I wanted exclusivity even though I didn’t know how that would work between us.
My breathing slowed as flashes of the past few months rushed back. “This whole thing with you has been amazing. I wouldn’t have been able to go to Europe and experience everything without you…” My voice trailed off because it sounded like I was breaking it off with him.
“Shit, you’re saying no.” He rubbed at his brow, disbelief crossing his features. “This is a first
for me.”
“Did you think I would just drop everything and go on tour with you forever? Stick around until you got sick of me?” I wrinkled my nose.
“That would never happen.” His fingers brushed against my cheek, sending warmth down my neck. “What do you want?” he asked again. “A relationship?”
I’d seen his lifestyle, the women throwing themselves at him and the band on a daily basis. I hadn’t even contemplated a relationship. I wasn’t sure it was a viable option.
“Sunshine,” he said his nickname for me, sounding tortured.
Say yes, my heart was begging me. Yes!
But I had my doubts. Could this even work?
“I can’t go with you,” I groaned.
“That’s not what I’m asking.” His eyebrow furrowed, thinking deeply, before scanning my face. “I don’t do relationships. They’re for pussies. But…” His face turned serious, as though he were turning something over in his head. “I want to try it with you.” His face became hopeful, his green eyes shining. He wiggled both eyebrows in a non-Hawke-like playful way. “They have smartphones and Internet everywhere. We can video chat. Phone sex every day?” He sucked on his bottom lip and gripped my hip. “Come on, will you be my girlfriend?” The intensity of his stare seared through me.
I pulled back, searching his face for any doubt, but there was none that I could see. Only resolution. He was willing.
Shouldn’t I be as well?
Butterflies stirred in the pit of my belly, the kind that made me giddy, but I forced my face to stay even. “Okay.”
“Okay?” An impish grin spread across his features. “Don’t seem too enthused about it.”
There was no way I could go on tour with him, so we would have to do this long distance.
I stared into his hope-filled eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to take this leap—not only because of my want for adventure, but also because I genuinely cared for him and wanted to make this work.
I pushed gusto into my voice, yelling, as though I were experiencing an orgasm, “Yes! Yes! Yes, I’ll be your girlfriend!”
A crooked smile touched his face. “That’s better, Sunshine. Much better.”
Then, he closed the gap between us, and I met the lips of my boyfriend, the biggest rock star in the world.
No big deal.
Chapter 18
Our good-bye was brief amid chaos. I eavesdropped on the logistics to get them to the airport—all the while, thinking of the distance that would soon be between us.
Hawke kissed me with reckless abandon until I was out of breath, and my feet felt wobbly, as though I were floating on air.
And I truly felt like I was flying.
That was, until he left.
When I hopped in the limo, thoughts raced through my head. I should be happy. Hawke was my boyfriend. I officially belonged to him now, and he belonged to me.
I tried to wrap my head around the enormity of it all. What it meant, where it would lead us, when we’d see each other again. But thinking of it only made my head and heart and stomach hurt, all at the same time.
When my five-story red-brick apartment building came into view, my whole body relaxed.
After I stepped into my apartment, Chloe’s eyes met mine from the couch.
“How was the concert?” There was no inflection in her voice or light in her eyes. At one time, she would’ve jumped with glee at the mention of anything and everything Def Deception.
“Good.” I dropped my backpack and purse on the floor and joined her on the couch, dipping my hand into her chip bag.
“You don’t sound like you had a good time.” She quirked an eyebrow, opened her mouth, and then shut it. But keeping her thoughts to herself lasted about a nanosecond. She threw both hands up and then said, “He’s not good enough for you. Period. He can’t mosey into Chicago whenever he wants and call you just to have sex. You’re worth more than that, damn it! And where was he when you were stuck in that paparazzi debacle? Huh? Not even a call?” She flipped to face the TV again and stuffed more chips into her mouth. “I’m done, and I feel better. Thanks.”
She’d been playing mama bear since my mama was no longer here.
“I know.” I rested my head on her shoulder. The intimate gesture eased the tension in the air. “It’s all messed up, Chloe.”
She kept stuffing her face with more chips and shifting in her seat. “I know I’m the one who told you to have fun. Dude, I would’ve slept with his ass in a heartbeat, gone to Europe without batting an eyelash.” She took my hands in hers. “But I’m me, and you’re you. And you’re in too deep. I can tell by the way you carry that damn phone everywhere. I can tell from the disappointment in your eyes when you reach for it and don’t see a missed call. And, when you come back after seeing him, that look on your face breaks my heart.” She stuffed more chips in her mouth, as though she were stress-eating. “Sam, even though I wouldn’t have done things differently, we’re totally different people. I can enjoy myself in the moment and not get emotionally attached.”
“I’m fine,” I said, totally lying.
“You’re fine, my ass,” she grumbled. “It’s written all over your face, and even though I’d warned you time and time again, you still fell for him because you’re you, Sam. I lost my virginity in my boyfriend’s convertible. You had a candlelit meal after junior prom. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“You didn’t have to push very hard.” And it was the truth. I had made the decision to sleep with Hawke all by my horny-for-Hawkey self. No one else had decided that for me.
Her lips tipped up into a reluctant smile. “No, I didn’t, but now, this shit has to stop. He can’t just call you to hook up whenever he’s in Chicago. That’s not the kind of relationship you deserve, and that’s not the kind you’re used to.”
I waited until she was finished and then said quietly, “We’re together, Chloe.” It sounded weird to even admit it out loud, like I was talking about another person and not myself.
She reeled back, her face cautious. “What does that mean?”
“We’re exclusive. He’s my…boyfriend.” My mouth contorted into a forced smile, one that hurt my cheekbones.
“Really?” she scoffed, her eyebrows flying to her hairline. She opened her mouth to speak but shut it at the sullen look I gave her.
“I guess it didn’t help that Josh gave me a more-than-friendly kiss on the mouth in front of him. I think Hawke was a little jealous.”
She let out a belly laugh. “I knew I liked that guy.”
“I do, too.” But not as much as he wants me to like him.
“Well then”—she brushed the crumbs from her lap—“I think you should drop the rock star and give Josh a chance. He’s more your type.”
I rolled my eyes as exasperation hit. “Chloe, it’s complicated.” More than I could even figure out at the moment.
All I knew was, my heart wanted Hawke. And he wanted me, so I couldn’t say no.
She leaned back, and her nose wrinkled. “I smell trouble. I mean, if this is what you want, what’s with the sad face? You should’ve stormed in here, yelling at the top of your lungs. Instead, you trudged in here like someone had died.”
“I just miss him.” I wrung my hands together in my lap. “And, with Hawke being who he is and me being who I am, I don’t see how this is going to work. I can’t exactly quit my job to go on tour with him and expect to get into Cordon Bleu this spring. And I’m not letting anything get in the way of that.”
Chloe’s lips pursed together. “Maybe it can work.” Her voice didn’t sound very convincing. “Look at those celebrities married to regular people.”
I looked at her through incredulous eyes. “Yeah, the majority of those people are divorced.”
Her one shoulder shrugged, as if to say, I tried. “Samantha Clarke, you will live one day at a time and see what happens.” She reached for one of my hands and squeezed. “I can’t believe I’m holding the hand of Hawke Calvin’s g
irlfriend.” It was as if she were forcing enthusiasm into her voice.
“Shut up.”
She picked up the newspaper in front of us. “Can you sign this?” She tried to say it with a straight face, but her lips quivered with laughter.
“Whatever.” I snatched the newspaper from her, stood, and hit her on the head. “You’re such a loser.”
“But you love me anyway?” she called out as I strolled to pick up my belongings on the floor.
“Yes, I do,” I replied, walking to my bedroom.
I dropped my oversize purse on my bed. When the buzzing sound from the bottom of it registered in my ears, I dumped all the belongings on my purple-and-pink comforter.
“Hello?” My voice was breathless and hurried and excited.
“Hey, Sunshine,” Hawke cooed in his sexy, hoarse voice that fans would pay to hear.
We hadn’t set any rules besides exclusivity, so I hadn’t been expecting a call this soon.
“Hawke.”
“No babe, baby? We’re officially an item, and I don’t even get a nickname?”
I dropped against my comforter as my heart did nonstop flips, like a gymnast on a floor mat. “Is The Rock Star not a worthy enough nickname? I’ll have to think of one.”
“Wait. Never mind. I remember one…though it’d be a little weird if you started calling me that in public.”
I laughed. “What is it?”
“Oh God. Please, God. Oh my God.”
His seductive deep voice made my stomach clench. Memories of our sexcapade pushed through.
“Stop.” I laughed.
“Stop? I don’t recall you stopping me last night,” he growled. “If anything, you were screaming for me not to stop.”
“Hawke!”
“I’m joking, Sunshine.” He chuckled. “You know I like to tease you.”
“Yeah, you do.” I pulled a lock of hair to my side. “Where are you now?”
“New York. I’m about to hop in the car to head over to an interview.”
And so the distance began.
“I’ll call you later?” he said, his voice sounding sexy and adorable.