Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters
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• A 15-year-old girl goes on a date with her crush, a very popular soccer player at her school who is 17. He starts kissing her, then talks her into giving him oral sex even though she didn’t really want to. He never calls again but tells all his friends at school what they did.
• A 16-year-old sneaks out of her house to go to a party her parents didn’t want her to go to. She drinks a lot of beer and has sex for the first time ever with a guy she doesn’t really know very well.
• A 14-year-old girl and her boyfriend start kissing and get really sexually excited. They touch each other through their clothes. Then they pull their clothes off and touch each other’s naked bodies. They’ve said they wouldn’t have sex, but in the heat of the moment they both really want to. And they do.
You can see from these true stories why a plan is so important and powerful for girls! Every single girl in these stories either did something she really didn’t want to do or suffered a negative consequence from having sex too early and in the wrong relationship.
And you can also see why you need to work really hard to help yourself stick to your plan. If you want to stick by your promise to yourself to respect your body, you also have to keep yourself out of situations that make it really hard to do that (like drinking alcohol and taking drugs, being alone with a guy you’re not sure you can trust, going “so far” that it’s hard to stop). Those are things you are in control of. Those are decisions you get to make. You have the power and the choice to learn from bad decisions and to make better ones in the future. That’s another way to show your Girl Power!
Some Good News about Guys
We know it kind of sounds like guys want nothing but power over you or to get in your pants, like they have no self-control, like they are only worried about themselves and their sexual desires and not you. Well, there is good news! There are guys out there who put you before themselves. They are the kind of guys who may even want to stop sooner than you do. They are the ones who will stop and make a good decision for you even when you are thinking about going further. They are the ones who will remind you that you both decided to stop at the French kiss, and they will respect that decision and make you stick with it!
Those are the guys to look for. You’ll know them by the way they respect girls and women. They don’t act all nice-mannered to fool the teachers, then harass girls in the hallway. They might be quiet, they might be loud, they might play in a band, they might be good at goofing around, they might be jocks or nerds or drama kings . . . but the good ones know respect—for you and for themselves and others. See one? Get to know him. It takes time to decide whether he is worthy of YOU.
Power in Planning
If there is one single thing we want you to remember from this chapter, it’s that there is power in the plan!
Values and boundaries are super important, so do your best to “stay in bounds!” especially when you have your first (or next!) boyfriend. The closer you get to feeling true love, the harder it will be to stick to your plan. Because now you are talking about a real live guy—a guy you are attracted to and really want to be physically close to. It’s not that theoretical “someday” boyfriend you probably had in mind when you set your boundaries. Enjoy your new sexuality, enjoy being emotionally intimate, kiss, look sexy if you want to, but it doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Once you are ready for sex, you will also understand the importance of having a plan to discuss it with your true love and make sure you protect yourself against pregnancy and infections.
We’ll say it again: Girls who have a plan are less likely to do sexual things they really don’t want to do. Sticking to your plan is easier if your boyfriend respects you. And true loves always respect you. It will be awkward talking to your boyfriend about sexual things and boundaries. But getting the relationship right requires communication, lots of communication. And you can do it!
Just remember, values stay the same no matter what situation you are in. If it was good for you before you met your boyfriend, it’s still good for you today. Promises to yourself are worth keeping even if it’s hard to do. Be strong! You are definitely worth it!
PART FOUR
Growing Real Girl Power
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Get Your Girl Power On!
By now, we hope that you have seen a glimpse and felt a pulse of power—the power that is within you. It’s an amazing power that will bring you so many good things and protect you from bad things if you learn how to use it. Why do so many teen girls feel powerless over so much of what goes on in their lives? We think it’s because they haven’t discovered the power that they carry within them—real live Girl Power.
So you, whether you have recognized it or not, have amazing power. Not just power related to sex and sexuality, but a bigger power that comes with the ability to make choices that matter. You have the ability to choose how you want to be seen, who you trust, when you are ready for intimacy, and importantly, you have the power to say no to things that aren’t in your best interest.
Now, when we combine the words power and sex, a lot of people get the wrong impression. People talk about using sex for power or using sex to get what you want. That’s not good power. It’s just using something powerful to manipulate others. Your sexuality is something special that should be treasured and respected, not abused. Sexuality just happens to be a very powerful thing that you have, whether you want it or not.
She Figured It Out
Remember that girl we talked about in chapter 2? The one with the Girl Power? The one who says she’s sorry when she hurts a friend’s feelings. The one who cuts her parents some slack even when she thinks they totally don’t get it. The one who understands how her body works and can talk about it without getting too embarrassed. The one who makes a plan for her own sexual involvement and chooses a boyfriend who will respect her decisions. Yep, that one. The one everyone seems to look up to and respect.
She obviously figured out a lot of stuff for herself, a lot of the things we’ve been talking about. Things like:
• Using words wisely
• Not giving any power away to people who want to embarrass or use her
• Listening to people who want what’s good for her—not TV, movies, music, magazines and advertisers that want what’s best for them
• Choosing friends who build her up and don’t tear her down—and being a good friend to others as well
• Recognizing that she is sexual and can be sexy without “doing it”
• Talking, thinking and learning about sexual things before she gets “in the heat of the moment” and does something she regrets
• Being brave enough to talk to boyfriends about her sexual boundaries—even when it’s really awkward.
• Telling the difference between good boyfriends and bad boyfriends
• Saving some sexual things for her true love
Will it always be easy to make decisions and do things that help grow your Girl Power? Absolutely not. Sometimes it will feel great—the easiest decision you’ve ever made! Sometimes it will totally stink! Some people might even tell you you’re stupid, afraid, freaky, weird and totally don’t get it. But when it stinks, you have to remember that you are making decisions that are good for you for life . . . not just for the moment. It’s hard work, but it pays off in the end.
It’s like the girl who gets made fun of for shooting baskets every Saturday morning instead of going to the mall. The shooting isn’t all that much fun, but then on Friday night, she fakes out the defense with two seconds to go and sinks a three-pointer to win the game. They called her boring when she was practicing, but she’s a hero when her practice makes her win the game!
Growing your Girl Power takes practice too. And it lets you be a hero for life—a hero to yourself! Too many girls grow impatient in this work to grow Girl Power. They compromise their values because of it. Not good.
You Are Worth the Best
There is a lot of power that comes for waiting for the best, not j
ust grabbing all the cheap stuff you can get as soon as it comes your way. And get ready, because sex will come your way during your teen years. You have to be ready to handle it. You have to be able to make and stick to a plan for sexual limits and behaviors that are healthy for you.
Patience and self-control pay off in the end; we promise! If you are making good choices and good decisions now (even though they may be difficult, other teens roll their eyes at you or boys may pressure you), you will look back not too far from now and see the power in the choices you made . . . the power in having a plan.
We’re not just making it up. Every day we talk to young girls and women who are healthy and happy because they have stuck to a plan about sex and sexual stuff that feels right for them. They feel powerful and in control. And we also hear too many stories from girls who have made some serious mistakes because they didn’t have a plan at all.
Things “just happened”—then there was a lot of regret and tears, sometimes even pregnancy or infections. Every time girls give away or allow someone else to “take” some of this power, it’s a loss. Their power weakens, and they have to work hard to start to rebuild it. Fortunately, it can be built up again! They have to go back and make some new choices that give them power and control. And they have to stick to those choices and hold on to that power to let it grow.
ClaimYour Girl Power
This whole power thing goes back way farther than women today. Since the beginning of time, civilizations have recognized that people have special opportunities in life to gain power. Periods of transition are times of especially great power! Think about some of the major transitions in a girl’s life:
Birth—power to be on this Earth
Puberty—power to reproduce and create new life
Marriage—power to start a relationship that can create a family
Motherhood—power to shape a new life into something powerful
Menopause—power to share wisdom and see life from a very experienced perspective
Let’s look at one of these life transitions to understand this power thing. It’s a little touchy-feely and deep kind of stuff. But it’s true.
Birth . . . yep, pretty powerful. Think of all the amazing potential newborn babies have. Even though they are totally dependent on other caregivers to feed them, get them around and nurture them . . . their potential is limitless. Somewhere, a baby is being born who will be a future president or an inventor or an Olympic champion or the biggest rock star the world has ever seen! On the other hand, babies are being born who will be haters, cheaters and criminals. So just because there is a lot of power in the birth transition . . . it doesn’t always end up being good power. But birth is an opportunity for a new little human being to start collecting power to become anything in the world.
Now, let’s get back to you and the power transition you’re in right now.
You’ve Got Power!
So here you are at one of life’s major transitions. You are making the transition from a child—through puberty and adolescence—into a young adult. Can you feel the power? You should!
A main purpose of puberty is to develop sexually. Sexual power is a mighty thing that a girl possesses. You aren’t supposed to use it for bad things like controlling other people or making them jealous. You are supposed to protect that power and, then as you mature, share it with the one who has helped you protect it and who also respects and values it.
As a teen, you are developing your ability to appreciate your body, to enjoy sexual feelings and to develop meaningful relationships outside of your family. You have the potential to develop great respect for your sexuality and ability to reproduce. Now that’s good power! You also have the potential to mess it up by having unintended pregnancies, by getting infections that can harm your ability to have babies if you want to in the future and by losing respect for how awesome sex can be in the right relationship. That would be bad power, right?
In our culture and in the human experience, sex is powerful. Don’t let anyone talk you into believing that it’s no big deal.
Power Thieves
The more that you hold on to that special power within you, the stronger it can become. Many people will try to take it away from you. Some teenage boys and some adult men are always trying to take that power away from girls and women. They may do that by trying to become sexually involved too soon or by making comments that make you feel uncomfortable about your body or your sexuality. Same for some advertisers, magazines, movies and other girls—they will try to diminish your sexual power, to make it seem unimportant or not worth taking care of.
All we have to say is that THEY ARE WRONG! You have great power as a girl. They want a piece of it because you have an amazing and wonderful Girl Power! If it weren’t a big deal, nobody would want it or care about it.
Protect Your Girl Power
If you haven’t yet, you will eventually begin to recognize the power.
Once you notice how strong it is, you might want to use it to your benefit. Sometimes you want to give it away because:
You know it is strong.
It gets attention.
It seems exciting.
But be careful! If you give it away too soon, it starts to decrease. It becomes less and less and less. But if you hold on to it and protect it and respect it, it will grow and grow and grow. When you do find true love, your true love will also respect that power and help you to protect it. When the time is right to share it, it doesn’t decrease when you release it . . . it grows! That’s when intimacy and sex are great! It feels great physically, it feels great in your heart, and it feels powerful. With the right person, your sexual power and all this other power you’ve been growing is a gift for both of you.
It’s important to keep that power within you until you know you have found true love. Depending on your values, that may mean marriage. Too many girls give it away in middle school or high school when they don’t really know that they have true love. Sex doesn’t make true love. True love lasts, right? What’s the rush? Don’t give it away!
And if you’ve already given some of it away to guys who don’t respect and protect you, you can stop! Just because you’ve made one (or two or three or twenty-five) mistakes, it doesn’t mean you have to keep giving your power away over and over again. If you’ve felt that loss of power before, you know what we mean. Girls who have felt that power loss learn that sex in the wrong relationship isn’t worth the stress, the worry, the emotions and the physical risks. But if you make new choices to protect yourself and your sexual power, you’ll have something special to share when you do have true love. You can build your Girl Power back up!
People who try to take your power away from you aren’t interested in you. They are just interested in stealing something special. The person who values your Girl Power, protects it and helps it grow wants what is best for you. He is interested in you. He knows that your Girl Power is special. And he likes that!
Take control of your body. Learn how it works. Make a plan for your sexual involvement. Protect and grow your Girl Power. Save it for yourself and true love. Be Powerful!
Acknowledgments
Girlology would have never blossomed like it has without some magical connections. We are so grateful for the special people who have been placed in our paths, particularly our energetic and hip editor Amy Hughes who has been wonderfully enthusiastic about Girlology since that first day at Starbucks. We would have never met her without another writer, Marcia Higgins White, who put us in the public eye. The other amazing connection occurred with Jennifer Craig, our legal eagle, Nikki and Abby at Skirt! magazine, and Sally Pascutti and Stephanie Hunt our intuitive wordsmiths. We know how these magical connections really occur, and we are grateful.
We are also indebted to many steadfast cheerleaders. Robin Berlinsky, Gina English, Carolyn Evans, Beth Rucker and Beth Cairns have provided great ideas and energy. We relied heavily on the awesome mom-daughter groups who provided critical review, insi
ght and suggestions. They include Lyn, Rachel and Sarah Neil; Laura, Megan and Jamie Spinella; Susan Simonian and Katie Houle. We also appreciate the patience and support of our colleagues at Charleston Pediatrics and East Cooper Women’s Center.
We’d each like to thank our parents for their unwavering support and tolerance of our “openness.” We love you dearly. Our husbands, also tolerant and unconditionally loving, have been incredibly patient and encouraging. Thanks Michael and Steve for keeping it all together while cheering us on. Our daughters, Emily, Caroline, Ella, Anne Claire and Maehler, have been our inspiration. We hope each of you will grow up to be confident and secure with your power and not be embarrassed that your moms go around talking about puberty and sexuality.
Finally, we are most appreciative of the thousands of mothers who have trusted us to start important conversations with their daughters, and to the daughters who have taught us so much. Keep on talking!
About the Authors
In a casual conversation one day, Dr. Melisa Holmes, an ob-gyn and Dr. Trish Hutchison, a pediatrician, laughed about how often mothers seem to stiffen with fear when the topics of puberty and sexuality come up. “How do I start the conversation?” “What do I say?” “Can I just bring my child to you and let you give her the talk?” These questions are a daily occurrence in both of their offices. Fortunately, moms have come to the right place because Drs. Holmes and Hutchison are both passionate about helping girls feel good about and understand their changing bodies.