FURNITURE
Deterrence, especially through training, is the first line of defense in keeping your furniture safe from doggie depredations.
When you’re at home …
Be consistent. You can’t decide that it’s okay for your dog to sit next to you when you feel like having company on the couch and then yell at him when you don’t. Firmly but pleasantly head your dog off when you see him approaching the verboten furniture, and direct him to get down if he’s already settling in. Also …
Provide alternatives. Guide your dog toward something else in the room such as a dog bed or less expensive piece of furniture.102
Techniques to train your pup from climbing on the furniture when you’re away include:
Place wide swathes of masking tape, adhesive side up, on the furniture; it will stick to your dog’s paws and/or fur and annoy him. Covering the cushions with aluminum foil will have a similarly irritating (though non-bonding) effect.
Rig up something noisy—a can full of coins, say—on the piece to startle your dog when he jumps on it.
Spray the furniture with something nontoxic but noxious to dogs, such as Bitter Apple.
The nice thing about these and similar techniques is that your dog won’t associate you with these mildly aversive experiences and will instead resent the furniture. You should only need to use these measures temporarily, and not when you’re expecting guests (unless they’re the kind you would also like to discourage from settling in on your couch and armchairs).
COVER-UPS
Many of us don’t mind sitting next to a warm body that doesn’t try to commandeer the remote control, and don’t view a mere species difference as sufficient reason to withhold a comfy snoozing spot. Washable throws103 and slipcovers allow your dog furniture access without announcing your permissive policies to visitors.
Avoid throws with loose weaves that dogs can get their nails or collars caught on.
The following fabrics are particularly suited for slipcovers or upholstery:
Linen and cotton blends. They’re sturdy and launder well, and if you have a wrinkly dog, linen will provide the perfect fashion complement.
Ultrasuede (www.ultrasuede.com). As with linoleum, this blast from the past has made a major comeback. It’s pricey, but lush to the touch and stain resistant and machine washable. A quick sponging or brushing removes dog hair.
Crypton (www.cryptonfabric.com). This similarly costly super fabric comes in several different textures and colors, all resistant to liquids, stains, and odors. Crypton’s canine friendliness became a marketing strategy, when the company enlisted dog photographer William Wegman to design a fabric line. All the patterns feature dogs, and Wegman used his Weimeraners as models for the one called Posey.
As with rugs, think patterns and midtones for whatever type of fabric you opt for—or a color that’s similar to your dog’s hair. I noted in Chapter 1 that you are a bad person if you chose a dog to match your upholstery, but the converse doesn’t hold true.
Finally, if you can afford it, consider leather furniture, which is easy to clean and disinfect. One caveat: If the leather doesn’t have a finish, it will absorb oils from your dog’s skin. Even if you never considered him a greaser, your pooch will slowly reveal his favorite place to relax by creating a full- or partial-body stain. Of course, this is another dog décor crisis where a stylish throw can come to the rescue.
87. WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO CLEAN MY HOME NOW THAT I SHARE IT WITH A DOG?
This is a complex question, involving both effective methods of eliminating dog detritus and the need to avoid harming your pup with household cleaning products.
Frankie is lucky. I’m ecoconscious and not overly obsessed with cleanliness, so he isn’t exposed to potentially toxic products on a regular basis. I in turn am fortunate to live with a nonshedding, housebroken pup. But we both have our lapses: I keep bleach in my dog-accessible laundry room, for example, and before Frankie was diagnosed and treated for diabetes, his excessive water consumption spurred a few accidents.
And, of course, feces happens.
DOG-DETRITUS CLEANUP
Most of the dog-related cleaning problems you’ll encounter involve carpeting, which is why it’s a good idea to get rid of the wall-to-wall variety if possible. Unless otherwise noted, the following deal with removing unwanted evidence of your pup’s presence from your rug.
Liquid waste
The best way to eliminate urine stains and odor is to use a bacteria/enzyme digester, available from most pet stores as well as online. Make sure to use enough of the solution to penetrate your rug as deeply as the urine did, and take care to leave it on as long as directed. Keep your dog out of the room or put plastic over the area during this process. If your pup catches you removing his mark, he might up the pee ante.
For the same reason—as well as because of its potential toxicity—never use cleaning products that contain ammonia, also a prime component of urine. Your dog may think another dog snuck in and peed in his territory.
Speaking of sneaking, if your dog is a stealth urinater and you’re not certain of the pee odor source, you can play CSI tech by searching the room with a black light. These lights usually cost less than $20; some even come free with odor removal products. If your baseboards and walls were targeted, mild soap and water should suffice to remove the evidence of your dog’s misplaced machismo (sorry, but girl dogs don’t tend to lift their legs to pee on the wall).
Semi-solid or solid waste
Waiting for complete solidification to occur is your best strategy. If you attempt to wash dog doo from your carpet before it dries, it will only smear and become embedded in the fibers.
To eliminate any odiferous flaky residue, add baking soda and then vacuum.
If the waste was semi-liquid to begin with or emerged from your dog’s other end,104 pick up and blot what you can with dry folded paper towels; be gentle so that you don’t embed anything into the carpet. Once you remove the semi-solid portion, apply the same type of bacteria/enzyme digester you would use on urine. Or wait until the mess dries, sprinkle on baking soda, and vacuum.
Hair
The best dog hair defense is a good offense (or is that the other way around? I get my sports metaphors confused): the more frequently you groom your dog, the less hair will be arrayed around your house. But, even more than feces, shed happens, and it’s impossible to avoid furry furnishings if you live with a breed that has a nonstick coat. The solution: vacuum, vacuum, vacuum. Vacuum cleaner manufacturers have risen to the occasion, creating a mind-boggling array of products and attachments aimed at those beset by pet hair.105 Among them are robotic vacuums, which not only do the job without human effort but, because they beep and flash, inspire some dogs to believe they’re exciting toys intended for them. Any possible benefits of this illusion, of course, depend on how your dog treats her playthings. Indeed, some dogs mistake robotic vacuums for aliens that need to be attacked and sent back to space.
In addition, as with dried dog poop and vomit, baking soda makes a great vacuuming aid, bonding to hair, bacteria, and dander; it also helps eliminate doggie odor. Sprinkle it on and let it sit for about half an hour before suctioning it up.
DO-NO-HARM CLEANING
Imagine a toddler being allowed to crawl all around the house, licking the floor at will. Then imagine that she has a super-fast metabolism and smaller-than-human lung capacity. That’s your dog’s MO—which means she’s not only at increased risk of encountering household cleaning toxins, but that when she does, she’s breathing them in more rapidly than we do and having more difficulty eliminating them from her body.
Surprise! The best way to prevent your dog from being exposed to dangerous chemicals is to avoid using products that contain them. The most common offenders and cleaners in which they’re found include:
Ammonia: Glass cleaners (combined with bleach, ammonia creates a poisonous chlorine gas)
Bleach: Disinfectants and clothes whiteners
Formaldehyde: Furniture polish
Monoethanolamine: Oven, tub, tile, and carpet cleaners
Turpentine: Furniture polishes
Phosphoric acid: Liquid dishwasher detergents and bathroom cleaning products, especially those used on mildew and lime
Not the type to mix vinegar, baking soda, peroxide, and salt to create your own safe cleaning solution? No problem. Green cleaning is in, even with the major manufacturers.
It’s easy to find environment-friendly, nontoxic substitutes to tackle every area of your home that needs attention.
If you’re convinced you can’t find something that works as well as an unsafe product, make sure to keep your dog away from those surfaces until they’re completely dry.
Of course, you’re not going to be able to divest your house of everything that’s potentially dangerous to your dog. In its animal poison control list, the ASPCA (aspca.org; click “Pet Care” and “Animal Poison Control”) warns against everything from cold medications to post-1982 pennies.
The bottom line is to get rid of what you can, minimize exposure to what you won’t, and store the rest in a safe, inaccessible place. Also keep the number of your vet and the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center’s 24-hour hotline handy: 1-888-426-4435.
88. WHICH PLANTS ARE SAFE TO HAVE AROUND MY DOG?
This question is predicated on the reasonable assumption that at some point your dog will have an urge to eat something vegetal that’s not on his regular menu. Frankie is particularly fond of grass, in spite—or perhaps because—of the fact that it tends to make him throw up.
Puke-inducement notwithstanding, munching grass doesn’t present a health problem, but you’d be amazed at how many seemingly benign flowers and plants can (at minimum) cause more serious stomach upset, and (at maximum) be fatal. The ASPCA puts amaryllis, azaleas, chrysanthemums, cyclamen, English ivy, oleanders, pothos, rhododendrons, schefflera, and tulips on its top offenders list.106 See www.aspca.org (under “Pet Care,” “Animal Poison Control,” and “Toxic Plants”) for the complete list of 17 Common Poisonous Plants, as well as for the more comprehensive lists of plants to avoid and plants to plant.
Of course, even the most benign plants can be rendered dangerous with the use of chemical herbicides, insecticides, and pesticides. Among the most toxic are those containing methomyl, metaldehyde, disyston or disulfoton, and zinc phosphide.
Nonchemical fertilizers are generally dog friendly—with important exceptions. Cocoa bean mulch, for example, contains, well, cocoa beans, and thus theobromine and caffeine—the same ingredients that make brownies verboten to dogs.
I was about to suggest things you could do to minimize the hazards if you insist on using chemicals in your yard, but it occurred to me that any toxins you use will inevitably infiltrate the water supply. If you want to be a bad global citizen, let someone else be an enabler; I’m not going to tell you how to poison me and Frankie.
89. IS THERE A WAY TO KEEP MY DOG FROM DIGGING UP MY GARDEN?
Probably—but first you need to dig into your dog’s psyche to get at the source of her underground urges.
A great deal of tunneling is breed related. Terriers, for example, live to search and destroy prey, the more deeply embedded the better, while furry northern breeds like Siberian Huskies try to escape the heat by creating underground shelters. But some types of digging transcend genes (if not always gender). Unneutered males—especially those with strong noses—dig to get out of Dodge and hit on girls in heat, and pups of every variety move dirt around to escape boredom.
Finding the source of the digging urge can help you figure out whether to try to eliminate or redirect it.
Keeping your Siberia-bound digger indoors at the hottest time of day or during the warmest months, for example, might suffice to eliminate his excavations, while providing chew toys, especially food-oriented ones, could alleviate boredom (see Chapter 7 for other entertainment options).
And you can either keep your flowerbeds or your male dog intact.
If you have a terrier or other natural tunneler, however, diversion is probably the best tactic. To wit: Give your dog her own personal digging pit.
Pick out a corner, loosen the soil and/or add sand, and set up barriers—not high enough to prevent access, but clear enough to provide boundaries. Then lure your dog to the area by burying toys, food, or whatever treasure you think she would want to unearth. If your pup doesn’t have an especially strong sniffer, let her watch the process. It might take a bit of time to establish your garden’s dog patch, but eventually you’ll create a gardening companion who’s not Shiva the destroyer.
And don’t forget to replenish the dirt and underground goodies now and then to maintain the desirability of this bit of doggie real estate.
CHAPTER 10
LOOSE ENDS—AND ENDINGS
90. AM I USING MY DOG AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR MY KIDS WHO LEFT FOR COLLEGE?
Yes. And why do you think this is a problem?
When did your children last take long walks with you, listen to you without interrupting to ask for money, and fail to criticize your clothing choices?
With a dog, your unconditional love will be requited.107
Only the very unlucky would have their dogs run away and their adult children return home to live with them.
Your relationship with your dog might even improve your relationship with any irritating, overly demanding offspring. When you see said ingrates, just keep referring positively to Leona Helmsley, who willed $12 million108 to her Maltese, Trouble, while leaving two of her four grandchildren bupkus. Your own relatives should get the hint—and if they don’t, they’re too thick to be fiscally responsible and will doubtless squander your hard-earned money.
And at least you can say you’ve been there, done that as far as producing progeny is concerned. Some people worry that getting a dog is a substitute for having children. To them I say the world is greatly overpopulated. You’re helping to conserve the earth’s limited resources. And if you rescued and spayed or neutered your dog, you earned double the good karma points. (If, on the other hand, you supported a puppy mill, points will be deducted. I’m not sure how many; the universe rarely speaks to me in specifics.)
And there are those who fear they’ve gotten a dog to avoid relationships with other people entirely. No worries. Human and canine bonds are far from mutually exclusive. Unless your pup tries to bite everyone he comes into contact with—in which case a lot more training is in order—a dog usually serves as a social lubricant.
That said, human relationships tend to be overrated. And at least with a dog, you’re bound to get more fresh air and exercise than you would if you were parked at your computer buying power tools for your Second Life avatar.
91. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO PEOPLE WHO CRITICIZE ME FOR SPENDING TOO MUCH ON MY DOG?
It’s one of life’s oddities. Few people would question your purchase of a flat-screen TV or of a new car—unless you couldn’t afford it, in which case, under the guise of concern, your friends and family members would discuss your spendthrift ways behind your back. But many will feel free to second-guess the amount you spend on a living creature who gives you great joy (and doesn’t question your purchases, unless you’ve bought the wrong type of dog food).
Responses to their criticism might include:
Questioning some of their recent purchases for their children/significant others, noting that your dog is smarter and more grateful (not recommended, but fun to contemplate).
Inquiring how much they spent on their shoes/jacket/ last restaurant dinner—anything that might be expensive—and asking if the money wouldn’t be better directed toward [fill in the name of a charity or political cause]. If your interlocutors are not given to costly or frivolous purchases and do give money to [fill in the name of a charity or political cause], you can inquire how much they’ve given to animal welfare lately. (Don’t worry; if animal welfare was one of their causes, they never would have questioned your c
anine-directed expenditures.)
But this brings up a valid issue of priorities. You might consider donating some money to dogs in need109 instead of buying yours a new collar; dogs don’t much care what they wear. If you’re flush enough to do both, more power to you.110 Then again, it’s really none of my business—which is the best answer (in reverse) you can give anyone who questions your spending habits.
92. I’D LIKE TO BRING MY DOG TO WORK. HOW CAN I FIND A DOG-FRIENDLY JOB?
I included this question in my book outline before the economy began tanking, and—given the current difficulty of finding work, period—thought about substituting something else. Then it occurred to me that the dog/job question was still very relevant. Involuntarily becoming a freelancer, independent contractor, or plain old unemployed person allows you to spend more time with your dog—a perk that inspired many a boom-time decision to telecommute, whether publicly acknowledged or not.111
And the dog-friendly workplace is not just a bark in the dark; it’s likely to be around for a long time. Nearly one in five businesses—most of them smaller or nontraditional (like Google)—allow dogs on the premises, a policy that has little to do with benevolence. Studies show that welcoming pets112 increases productivity and reduces absenteeism. Some 66 percent of respondents to a Dogster.com survey said they would work longer hours if they had their dogs with them; 49 percent said they would switch jobs if they could take their dog to work; 32 percent said they’d take a pay cut to work with their dogs; and 70 percent considered a dog-friendly workplace an important employee benefit.
Am I Boring My Dog Page 17