100. HOW SHOULD I RESPOND TO PEOPLE WHO TELL ME, “IT WAS ONLY A DOG” AND THAT I’M GRIEVING TOO LONG?
You shouldn’t respond at all, at least not if you want these people in your life in some capacity.120 It will be extremely tempting to offer an equally insensitive rejoinder, and that can only lead to insult escalation. Just file the remark away with all the other hurtful comments you’ll likely receive, and then haul it out to be mocked by members of your pet grief support group or informal network of dog lovers who understand what you’re going through. The person on duty at the ASPCA’s Pet Loss Hotline (1-877-474-3310) should be able to talk you down, too.
If you’re not a joiner or generally dislike sharing, consider a personalized dartboard, punching bag, or other inanimate target toward which you can channel your anger. Cheek turning apparently works for some people, too, although not for those with whom I tend to socialize.
Above all, don’t take comments like these to heart. Grieve as long as you need to and when you’re ready—but only then—get another dog. He’ll never replace the one you’ve lost but will enrich your life in his own inimitable doggy fashion.
1
With apologies—and thanks—to Michael Pollan (The Omnivore’s Dilemma, In Defense of Food), whose warnings against unhealthy, overly processed food apply even more to the dog food made from the human variety’s dregs.
2
With thanks—and no apologies—to corrupt politicians, who provide us with nearly as much entertainment as dogs do. Let this also serve as a caution to ignore the book’s footnotes at your peril. They’re often as informative as—and frequently funnier than—the main text.
3
Rent-a-dog programs like FlexPetz have become so widespread that people concerned about animal welfare are working to get them banned. If you have trouble getting your head around the problem with renting a pet (even aside from the enforced puppy prostitution issue), think how you would view its application to those too busy to raise a child full time.
4
Strange—and unfair—but true: In the canid kingdom, size counts when it comes to maturity. The larger the dog, the longer the maturation period but, perversely, the shorter the lifespan.
5
A notable exception to this rule is Carly, a 10-year-old I know who gave a PowerPoint presentation to her parents to prove to them that she was dog worthy. Now there’s a kid who earned her warm puppy!
6
Don’t confuse getting a dog at a store like PetSmart, which holds fairs to find owners for rescued pets, with getting one through a shop that makes a business of selling animals. The price tags alone (see question 11) will tell you which is which.
7
About five years ago—not coincidentally, around the time that U.S. authorities started investigating unsavory breeders at home—puppy mills began cropping up in foreign countries. Mexico currently supplies many of California’s pet boutiques with bootleg pups, and Russia and South Korea are among the countries flying mass-produced dogs to a variety of U.S ports with forged proof of rabies vaccination and of age (the minimum age for import is six months, but many puppies are flown in at six weeks).
8
They are, however, the only ones subject to the “pet lemon laws” that several states have passed. Statutes vary, but at the least they’re designed to compensate buyers for veterinarian bills incurred to treat puppies that turn out to be sick.
9
There’s also the issue of transportation if you consider someone who’s not a reasonable drive from you. Some breeders claim they prepare their puppies in advance for the experience of being shipped by plane to avoid having them stressed by their journey. What do you imagine preparation for a stay in a plane’s luggage hold might involve—keeping the little guy crated in a dark, airless room for indefinite periods of time without letting him go to the bathroom? Do you really want a puppy that’s been doubly traumatized—assuming that the claim of preparation is even true?
10
Some shelters keep dogs for only a week or two before they euthanize them; others hold onto them until they are adopted. But it’s a complicated issue, so don’t be quick to judge. A shelter that calls itself “no-kill,” for example, may not accept animals who are unlikely to be adopted, or may euthanize those that become sick or exhibit behavioral problems. And if a shelter’s facilities are inadequate and its adoption rates are low, who’s to say whether a quick death wouldn’t have been kinder than indefinite incarceration?
11
Some are simply hoarders, but I’d rather focus on the majority of terrific people who do tireless, often thankless, work than on pathological pet collectors.
12
I’m referring here only to an either/or situation. If you can manage to comingle cats, dogs, fish, and ferrets, you’ll be regarded as very open and inclusive (not to mention as very busy at mealtimes and cleanups). But there’s a fine line. Unless you live on a farm or a ranch, having more four-legged creatures than rooms in your home can lead others to doubt your sanity—and your sanitation standards.
13
Yes, dogs may eventually eat their owners rather than starve (just as some Donner Party members dined on their pals), but they wait far longer than cats, who transform their caregivers into a food source in just a day or so. And some dogs will die of starvation rather than be disloyal. Have you ever heard of a cat doing that?
14
These are less expensive than—and as effective as—their canine equivalents unless your dog weighs more than 50 pounds.
15
Also lay in a small quantity of the food your dog is accustomed to—assuming you know—so you can ease her into a new culinary plan rather than shocking her system.
16
If you’re considering a car service or taxi, a dog carrier might be your best bet. Or lying. That is, if you don’t want to use a carrier but don’t want the cabbie to know your fellow passenger is a new, untested pup, muster all your moxie to pretend you’ve been traveling with this dog all your life—and hide the emergency cleanup towels in a bag from an upscale department store.
17
This should only be done under duress—if, say, you’re moving in with someone who has the same name as your dog. When you change names too often, you run the risk of your dog ignoring all summonses—and of becoming obese as a result of repeated retraining programs.
18
That said, no long- (or even short-) term studies have been conducted to verify the higher percentage of ill effects attached to the name. I suspect it’s just easier to remember the bad things that happen to dogs called Lucky.
19
One complication: Different microchips are manufactured with different frequencies, from 125 (most common in the United States) to 134.2 kiloherz (used abroad), and not all scanners can read their competitor’s chips. But almost all shelters have the ability to read most common microchips—and the method is so useful that it’s just a question of time before a universal scanner is perfected and becomes standard equipment.
20
The only downside: One of the main jobs of vets who volunteer at shelters is neutering/spaying. I attribute Frankie’s resistance to the office of the (extremely nice) vet recommended by his rescuer to the fact that he lost his manhood there.
21
The “testicular prosthetic implants”—used by nearly a quarter million pet owners, according to the website—earned their creator, Gregg A. Miller, the IG Nobel Prize for Medicine in 2005. Upon receiving the oddly coveted spoof award from Harvard University’s Annals of Improbable Research, Miller said in a videotaped statement, “Considering my parents thought I was an idiot when I was a kid, this is a great honor.”
22
Unfortunately, state laws and drug manufacturers don’t always keep up with medical science. Some states require annual rabies shots, even though professionals agree they’re only needed every three years. And some manufacturers haven’t changed the fr
equency instructions on their vaccines. This puts vets into the uncomfortable position of having to ignore product recommendations—or risk harming their patients.
23
Unless it’s raining, in which case all bets are off.
24
Except for the natural sprays that keep pests away from your dog. Some flea and tick medications have turned out to be toxic to dogs as well as to the critters they’re hosting. I’m all for avoiding harsh chemicals whenever possible, just not for ingesting unknown botanicals in lieu of medicine.
25
Keeping your dog out of kitty litter could be more complicated, because it’s not right to make the cat climb to a place that’s inaccessible to the dog to go to the bathroom. I suggest you find the cat another home.
26
Do I have to tell you that this doesn’t apply if your dog is choking or throwing up?
27
Dogs do have bacteria in their gums/teeth that are not good for you, but they’re only transmitted if you keep your mouth open when your dog kisses you or if you lick your own face right after your dog does.
28
This gene also occurs in some human ethnic groups, where it’s passed along matrilineally.
29
Because he was originally cued by the sound of the cork being pulled from the bottle, screw tops allowed Clare to sneak tipples—until Archie figured out that he should be on the alert for opening doors of the cabinet where the wine glasses are stored.
30
Among these limitations is the fact that, to achieve “nutritional balance,” AAFCO regulations stipulate that vitamin and mineral supplements must be added. Because these cannot be organically produced, USDA Organic certification and the AAFCO seal are mutually exclusive. Many vets—including mine—warn patients away from food that isn’t AAFCO approved, but I’m no longer convinced of the value of its imprimatur. Put it this way: AAFCO is even less effective (in part because it has even fewer inspectors) and more tainted by agribusiness interests than the FDA is.
31
Artificial sweeteners and especially Xylitol, used in sugar-free candy and gum, are worse than addictive—they’re toxic. In general, transparency is as excellent a quality in a dog food manufacturer as it is in a government agency. If you can’t get answers to any questions you might have about a product, either via e-mail or phone, it’s likely wise not to feed that product to your dog.
32
It also tends to produce more crap, literally. The lower the quality of the food—especially the cheap, corn-based varieties—the less of it is absorbed by the dog and the larger and softer the stools. I admit this isn’t terribly well documented in scientific literature, but I suspect that’s because of a dearth of poop-size correlation studies. That hasn’t deterred me and several alert friends from judging other dog owners’ feeding practices by the size of their charge’s turds.
33
Unfortunately, this remains voluntary rather than mandatory, even when it comes to human food—so fat chance that dog food is going to be better regulated any time soon. In spite of efforts of consumer groups, as well as state agriculture and ranching associations, legislation mandating country of origin labeling has been stalled time and again. Pet Food Politics: The Chihuahua in the Coal Mine, by Marion Nestle, is a fascinating—and frightening—look at this aspect of food safety oversight or, rather, the lack thereof.
34
Tops on most current lists of things to avoid are chocolate, raisins, grapes, avocados, onions and onion powder, garlic and garlic powder. Seeds and stems of most fruit are verboten, too, as are—surprise, surprise—alcoholic beverages and moldy, spoiled, and fatty foods.
35
Caveat: This formula is not uniformly accepted. Some studies have shown that dogs have no carbohydrate requirements at all. It’s like the debates over Atkins, South Beach, the food pyramid, polyunsaturates …—ever-shifting and far beyond my level of expertise.
36
It was at one of Voisard’s cooking classes—sadly, no longer offered—that I first learned about the evils of most packaged commercial foods. They’re also detailed in her book.
37
If you think “comestibles” sounds pretentious, consider that on the official BARF website, www.barfworld.com (barf world? really?), the acronym also stands for Biologically Appropriate Raw Food. Not very snappy. I haven’t yet hammered out the details of my own oven-free diet but I figure a good name is half the battle.
38
As many advocates of the diet reasonably argue, people prepare raw food for their families in their kitchens all the time and manage to avoid poisoning themselves and their loved ones. And salmonella is present in lots of processed foods, too, as anyone who wasn’t in a coma during the peanut butter fiasco knows.
39
The Whole Dog Journal recommends alternating between three or four high-quality foods, changing them off slowly every few months, to provide your dog with different protein sources and nutrients. They advise against including “novel” proteins such as kangaroo, however, as these should be reserved for food allergy control tests (and, besides, may make your Jack Russell Terrier jump even higher than he already does).
40
Tooth-brushing also seemed to go against the dogs-are-evolved-wolves grain. But has anyone done a study on tooth decay in prehistoric wolves? They may have passed a predisposition to periodontal disease down to their canine kin. According to one study, 80 percent of dogs, especially small ones, have some degree of gum disease by age three. We know that working dogs often break their teeth carrying hard objects—and that they can now get metal crowns.
41
If your dog’s potential health problems don’t convince you, you cold-hearted creature, consider the damage to your house: it’s impossible to get the dye from a colored rawhide chew off anything it touches.
42
These don’t actually resemble penises, but Frankie is a sensitive pup. I’m sure he would intuit their origin and be offended.
43
Poodles have gotten a bad rap. Not only were these super-smart dogs once renowned as water-fowl retrievers, but their much maligned coifs were job related. The natural coats of standard “pudels”—German for “splashes in water”—are thick and water absorbent. To help the dogs move more swiftly through water, portions of fur were shaved, with the chest and vital organs left covered to protect them from the cold. The silly looking topknot allowed the owner to tie a strip of colored cloth to the head, the better to spot the speedy retriever from a distance.
44
The debate about whether there’s a difference between dog hair and fur rages on. It’s usually agreed that hair grows constantly and doesn’t have a seasonal shed, while fur is thick and has an undercoat. However, there are so many exceptions as to render these distinctions meaningless. Rather than get into follicular nit-picking, as it were, I’m stipulating that if it’s short and thick, it’s fur, if it’s long and silky, it’s hair. Think of the popular (at least with women) categories for human males: if it’s on the head, it’s hair; if it’s on the back, it’s fur.
45
Some people spin dog hair and weave or knit it into clothing, which I find intensely creepy—not the least because, should I be complimented on them, I wouldn’t want to admit that I was wearing a scarf or sweater made from my dog. If you disagree, Kendall Crolius’s Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater From a Dog You Know and Love Than From a Sheep You’ll Never Meet, might be for you.
46
Except for the nails on the dewclaws—the vestigial digits that sit farther up on the leg and thus don’t reach the floor. These should nevertheless be trimmed because they have a tendency to get caught on things. In fact, such an accidental snagging may be the first time you become aware that dewclaws even exist. It took several friends to talk me down from my conviction that Frankie was a mutant when I discovered he had these stunted appendages—and on every paw, yet.
> 47
If you’ve walked your dog in a dry, grassy area, this and headshaking might indicate that a foxtail has entered his ear or nose. These seed heads, particularly common in California, can be very dangerous because they have tiny, sharp barbs and can migrate into the brain. See your vet right away if you think your dog might have picked one up.
48
This is an excellent reason for people who need to trim their ear or nose hair to get a dog. As with other body-function embarrassments like farting, you can blame the dog for the presence of these instruments in your house.
49
Browsing Internet forums on the topic, I came across posts that read, in effect, “I’ve used human polish on my dog for years and it hasn’t killed her.” “Not dead yet” is hardly my idea of a ringing endorsement.
50
Teach your dog to go to the bathroom on command—no, it’s not an urban legend; I’ve seen it done—and you’ll earn the undying envy of new parents.
51
That’s not to suggest you should give up on older rescues. Frankie, who was five when I got him, is far from uneducable. (Of course, it helps that he’s exceptionally bright).
52
But not Lassie, because of the bad example it sets of unquestioning canine obedience.
53
If you’re still wed to the whole “we’re living with wolves in dogs clothing” notion, consistency demands you follow it through to its logical conclusion: human pack leaders need to hunt prey or scavenge road kill, eat it raw, and regurgitate it into their dogs’ mouths. Come to think of it, that could be the premise for a great cross-promoted reality show—Survivor: Animal Planet. I’m going to see if I can get Frankie to set up some pitch meetings for me.
54
Someone who, unlike me, doesn’t buy instructional DVDs only to end up using them to prop up an uneven leg on the dining room table.
55
As it turns out, with good reason. See question 70.
56
At least as applied to Frankie; I suspect some of my exes might disagree about my chain-jerking skills.
Am I Boring My Dog Page 19