by Lisa Lace
A big breath escaped Nate’s lungs, and he slumped back against the wall. He looked at me carefully like he was trying to decide how I would react, then decided to tell me anyway.
“We got called to an auto accident this morning about a mile out of Fort Wayne. We arrived on the scene, and a car had flipped onto its roof. Pretty much totaled.”
“Oh my God. What happened?”
“There was some debris on the road. A steel rod. It looked like it had fallen off the back of a truck. Seemed like the driver spotted it too late, swerved, and took a roll down the bank.”
“And the driver?”
A muscle twitched at the edge of Nate’s mouth, and he simply shook his head.
I instinctively reached out to put my hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry.”
“She was alive when we got there. Screaming at first. You would think you wouldn’t want to hear a scream, right?” He shook his head again. “For me, I love the sound of screaming. It means people are alive. It means people can be saved. When she stopped making any noises, I knew we didn’t have much time.” He let out a long breath and rested his head against the wall to stare at the sky as he spoke. “The paramedics were trying to help her, but she was trapped in the vehicle. We managed to secure the car and disconnect the battery before we started extricating her. But the paramedics went into a frenzy. She had stopped breathing. We managed to get her out and lay her on the ground…we were too late.”
“I’m so sorry.” I was repeating myself, but I didn’t know what to say. “That’s horrific.”
Nate kept his expression straight. “It’s part of the job.”
“Still, you’re not made of stone. I bet it’s still impossible to be there when…” I couldn’t finish my thought.
“Thanks, Jenna.”
“How are the others? Sam and… Lewis, is it?”
Nate smiled. “They’re fine. A bit shaken up, but we’ll all be back at work tomorrow, ready to fight another day. We’re running drills in the morning.”
It blew my mind to think that one day these guys could be pulling bodies from cars and reset to doing sit ups and circuits the next day, as though nothing had ever happened. It almost made me believe they were callous and unfeeling, but I had the sense that wasn’t true.
Nate looked distant. Even though he was here with his feet on the ground and his face expressionless, I could tell his mind was miles away. I could only imagine what kind of nightmares days like today could give him.
“So, what happens now. I mean, for you guys?”
“We file an incident report and debrief. We get the engines and equipment ready for another call.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Unfortunately, it’s a side of the job a lot of people don’t think about.”
I hadn’t considered it at all, but maybe that was because I’d dated Victor, and he never seemed to have had a bad day. In every one of Victor’s stories, he’d been the one to save the day.
He was always the hero. He’d never failed. Never been defeated. Always got the job done. At least, that’s what he’d always led me to believe. Then again, Victor had always wanted the glory of a title. Reputation was all that mattered to him, so if he had ever failed, he would have been unlikely to share it with a lowly tag-along like me.
“What are you doing after work?”
Nate shrugged. “I’ll go home. Put Harriet to bed. Then I guess I’ll watch some TV.”
“You should come over to my place.”
I said the words out loud at the same time as I’d made the decision in my mind. I knew more about Nate and the life he’d led now. I knew he’d lost his wife. I knew he lived alone with Harriet. I couldn’t bear to think of him going home alone tonight after a horrific day with nobody to talk to and no way to off-load.
How hard must it be to watch a woman die and then read your daughter a bedtime story and sit in front of a TV alone?
Nate looked surprised at the invitation. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’ll make you dinner.”
A flicker of a smile crossed his face, and he nodded. “All right, then.”
“I live in Carla’s apartment building. You know the place?”
“I do.”
I smiled. “Great. I’m in 5D. What time’s good for you?”
“I finish my shift at six. How about seven-thirty? That will give me time to get home, find a babysitter, and say goodnight to Harriet.”
“Seven-thirty. Perfect.”
I gave Nate one last smile, nodded, and turned to walk away. My heart was thumping, and I felt a strange exhilaration dancing inside me. I wondered if I would have made an offer like that if I hadn’t already been having such a good day and feeling like things were going well.
Then again, I told myself, this wouldn’t be a date. I was offering up my shoulder for a friend to cry upon. Not that I could imagine Nate crying over anything tonight. He was far too strong for that. Far too much of a man’s man to ever break composure.
When I got home, I busied myself with tidying my apartment, imagining how it might look through Nate’s eyes. I wanted it to look perfect. I vacuumed, polished, and picked up the loose clothes in my bedroom. God knows why. There was no chance we were going to end up in there. Still, the thought didn’t fill me with horror. I bit my lip and rushed into the kitchen to begin preparing for dinner.
There were hours to go, but I wanted to be prepared. Once dinner was in the oven, it was time to throw open my wardrobe doors and decide what to wear. It was a terrible decision. I wanted to look good, but I still wasn’t sure what this evening was about. It had to be something casual and low-key.
As I was looking at my clothes, I noticed an unopened letter from my sister on the bedside table. I sat on the edge of the bed and took out the letter.
Dear Jenna,
We’re still missing you. I don’t understand why I can’t come and visit. I haven’t seen Victor in a while. I think things might have blown over. Won’t you come home? Please think about it, Jenna — your life is here.
I stopped reading and folded the letter back into its envelope. Usually, Charlotte’s letters filled me with sadness and a longing to go home, but in the last few days, my feelings had changed, and I no longer wanted to ever go back to Pennsylvania.
I wanted to stay here, in this tiny little town where people were kind and knew me by name. I wanted to stay in a wonderful little apartment with my friend down the hall. I wanted to work in a job I loved, drink coffee with Carla, and walk past that fire station every day.
I wanted more chances to see Nate, to get to know him, for him to get to know me. I just wanted a life that moved and was going somewhere. I knew that was never going to happen in Pennsylvania.
Sorry Charlotte, I’m already home.
Nate
I arrived at Jenna’s apartment and stood outside the door. I had dressed up for the occasion. I thought about keeping everything low-key and wearing my favorite tee and some sneakers, but I wanted to look good for Jenna. I didn’t really know what her invite was about. Was it a date, or was she simply being kind? Maybe looking good would let her know what my hopes were.
It was hard to know my own intentions. I wanted to take her out on a date. I wanted to take her out and show her a good time, then bring her home and show her a better one. It had been a long time since I’d chased a woman. Not since Marie.
Her memory stung a little. Marie had been the one to get me to quit playing the field and make me a one-woman man. Before Marie, I had my pick of women, and I loved to choose. I’d been a handsome, athletic teen with the added bonus of being a star football player.
Then I’d gotten a little older and even more handsome. My boyish features chiseled out into the profile of a man. All my soft edges became defined. I started working toward a career in the fire department, and the girls loved a man in uniform. Finding women had been easy. Taking them to bed was even easier.
Then came Marie.
I’d been dating another girl
when I first laid eyes on her. My girlfriend was someone I’d met through a friend. As I remember her, she was a bit of a wild one who loved to party, and whose eyes wandered as much as mine. I guess you could say it had been a bit of a fling from the start. I’d gone to a party with this girl one night, and Marie had been there.
Straight away, I knew Marie was special. She was elegant, graceful, and mature. She’d been the same age as the rest of us, but stood out like the only woman in a room full of girls. I’d wanted her then, but even though I was a player, I’d never cheat on a girl. So, I just smiled at Marie from across the room, and she’d smiled back. We stayed away from one another all night.
A couple of weeks later, me and the party girl were done. I was back playing the field and ready to jump into another misadventure. One night in the grocery store, I spotted her, the mysterious stranger who’d caught my eye at the party. That girl who seemed like a woman, with shoulder-length blonde hair and a killer smile.
I wasted no time introducing myself and asking her out. The rest was history. My relationship with Marie had been the first one I’d ever taken seriously. My eyes never wandered. The fact that I couldn’t get her off my mind, coupled with the knowledge she outshone every other woman around made me certain we would last. And we did. We lasted right until the very end.
Jenna wasn’t like Marie. Jenna was calm and reserved, whereas Marie had held a presence that made people look up when she entered a room. She had a laugh that carried and turned heads. Jenna was more self-aware; she carried herself with caution and measured her words. Yet the one thing that Marie and Jenna had in common was that they had both got me fixated. They ignited a spark of desire from day one that kept burning inside me.
After Marie, I thought all my sparks had died out. But here was one more. I hadn’t expected to be drawn to another woman again, but it happened, and this mattered to me.
I knocked on the door.
Jenna answered. She was wearing a little makeup. Just enough to make her lashes frame her eyes to draw me in. Just enough to make her lips call out to be tasted.
She was dressed in skin-tight light denim jeans and an elbow-length dusty pink wrap top. It was the perfect color for her. Her pale skin seemed soft. Her blouse was made of a silky material that clung to her skin and framed her figure as she moved.
She had the perfect silhouette.
“I brought some wine.” I handed her the bottle as I stepped over the threshold and leaned in, greeting her with a kiss on the cheek. The scent of fresh jasmine perfume hung around her neck.
“Thank you, Nate! That’s sweet. Come on in.” Jenna beckoned me into the apartment and started heading into the kitchen to refrigerate the wine. “I’m just finishing dinner. I hope chicken is okay.”
Jenna’s apartment was like her; understated, but filled with hints of bright ambition. She had two bookshelves against the back wall filled with books. Some were textbooks; others, novels. Dozens of novels.
Her sofa was covered in large cushions in a brown-and-rust colored Aztec print. Her curtains were the same shade of brown. The room might have seemed dim if not for the huge waxy-leaf plant in an ornate vase in one corner, and a giant mirror on one wall that threw light back into the room, bringing a little life into the place.
“Nice place!”
“Thanks!” Jenna reappeared at the doorway of the kitchen. “You don’t have to stand out there, Nate. You can come into the kitchen if you like. Or make yourself at home out there. It’s up to you.”
I smiled and headed her way. The food smelled great, but the kitchen looked immaculate. I couldn’t see any evidence of Jenna’s preparation. “Wow, you’re a tidy cook.”
She laughed lightly. “I get that from years of my mother telling me I better clean that mess!”
“Do you like to cook?”
Jenna looked up at me from under those heavy lashes and smiled. “I don’t mind. You?”
“I’m an apprentice chef.”
She laughed lightly. “Oh really?”
“I am. Harriet and I are on a vegetable mission. It’s all about the broccoli.”
“Broccoli, hey? Great choice. Very nutritious.”
I chuckled. “I’m not a great cook, but I’m trying to learn. I want Harriet to grow up healthy.”
“Well, if you ever need lessons, I’m happy to help.”
A smile crept onto my lips. Was that another invitation?
“What’s on the menu tonight?”
“Chicken, roasted potatoes, and some mint asparagus concoction that came in a bag.”
“Ah, so that’s your secret.” I winked at her. “I’m also a fan of food that comes in a bag.”
“I’ll have you know that I could have put the mint on myself if I’d wanted. I’m just being efficient.” She opened the oven door and knelt to pull out the chicken. “And it’s ready! Let me put everything onto plates, and we’re ready to go. Do you want to pour the wine?”
“Sure. Where are the glasses?”
“Top right cabinet.”
I poured the wine, and Jenna served the food. I still wasn’t sure if this was meant to be a date or not, but I liked it. It was nice to be in the company of a woman for a change, and a gorgeous woman at that. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her as she moved around the kitchen. Her slim waist, her long legs, her perfect ass in those tight jeans…
Jenna had a small table in the living room where we ate. It was by the window overlooking the street outside.
“It’s quiet here,” I said.
“It is. I kind of like it though. It’s peaceful.”
“You must be joking. With Carla down the hall?”
Jenna laughed. She had a wonderful laugh. It was soft, feminine, and warm. “She’s surprisingly quiet. I’d hate to be the connecting apartment, though. From what she says, she and Sam only ever get up to one thing at her place, and it involves a lot of banging.”
“Sam’s more of a gentleman than she is, then. He doesn’t kiss and tell.”
“Carla said he’s polite. I think that’s lovely. I hate locker talk.” She made a face. “It’s icky.”
“Icky?” I teased.
“What’s wrong with ‘icky’?”
I laughed. “Nothing. I can just tell you’re a preschool teacher, that’s all.”
“Not quite yet. But I will be.”
“I think that’s great. It’s a wonderful profession.”
“Speaking of professions — how are you doing, Nate?” Jenna reached across and placed a hand on my arm again. Her hands were soft and warm. She looked across at me with concerned eyes.
“I’m all right, Jenna. As I said, it’s part of the job.”
“I thought you might need someone to talk to.”
“What can you say after something like that? I’ve found it’s best just to keep your head down and keep going. If you lose momentum for even a moment, you might give up and stop.”
“Do you really think so?”
“That’s what I’ve found.”
“It seems so… I don’t know. I think my life would change if I had to deal with things like that.”
“You find ways.” Marie’s face flashed across my mind again, and I thought about how hard it had been when I first lost her. “When my wife passed away, everyone kept telling me to take some time to grieve. I tried, I really did. But grieving wasn’t something I knew how to do. I’m not the kind of man who dwells on grief. I push through it.” I shrugged. “That applies to my job, too, I suppose.”
“You’re very brave.”
I held up my hand to ward off her compliments. “It’s not bravery. It’s necessity. If I couldn’t get over losing someone I’d tried to save, I’d be awful at my job. You don’t always win. But, you’ve got to move past the bad days because next time you might get lucky. Over time, I hope I save more than I lose.”
“Even if you only rescue one person, you’ve done more than most of us will ever do.”
“It feels good when you get to
save someone, but it doesn’t take away the feeling of failure when you don’t.” I finished my glass of wine and set it back on the table, leaning back in my chair. The wine made me feel thoughtful. “My job was the only thing that kept me going after I lost Marie.”
Jenna didn’t say anything, but she leaned in closer, listening.
“I lost her three years ago.”
“Can I ask about it?”
“Do you mean how she died?” I leaned forward on the table. “Marie had cystic fibrosis. It affects the lungs. Eventually she needed a lung transplant. She was on the waiting list but never got a donor in time. Like I said, you don’t always win. Sometimes things don’t happen in time. Like today.”
“I can’t imagine how you cope.”
“The job helps. After losing Marie, I’m not going to lie, I was struggling. I missed her like crazy, and I felt like I let her down. She was my wife, and I didn’t have the power to cure her. If I could, I would have given her the lungs out of my chest to keep her breathing. But, it was her time, and we lost her. Eventually, I went back to work, but I was like a zombie at the time, and just going through the motions of life until the first rescue. A little girl had fallen off a cliff by a reservoir. Her family couldn’t reach her. We arrived, used our equipment, and brought her up. She was in critical condition, but she survived. When I heard she had made it, it was the first time I smiled since Marie died. Knowing that today might be a day when I save someone is what has kept me getting up and moving each day. It gave me a reason to keep going. I couldn’t help Marie, but there were others.”
“What an incredible thing to be able to do. I’m sure Marie would be overjoyed. Were you married a long time?”
“Only a year. Engaged for two, together for six before that.”
Jenna shook her head sadly. “No one should have to go through what you did.”
“I’ve come to terms with it now. Life goes on.” I smiled. “That’s what my sister always tells me.”
“Your sister. I think I’ve met her. Kacey, is it? She’s picked up Harriet once or twice.”
“That’s her. She’s a qualified counselor, you know. She runs a support group for women survivors of domestic violence.”