by A. Zavarelli
The next day I sleep in late and don’t bother checking with the courier company for work. As I pad down the hallway, I find Alanna hunkered down on the couch watching tv. She smiles when I walk in and then frowns when she reads the expression on my face.
“What happened, babe? You were asleep so early last night. Did everything go alright?”
I pour myself some coffee and make my way to the couch, kicking my fuzzy slippers onto the rickety coffee table. “Well, it didn’t exactly go to plan, I’ll put it that way. And I definitely need your advice on this one. But first I want to order some food, I’m starving.”
“Okay doll, anything you want, I’m yours for the day.” She walks to the fridge and grabs some takeout menus. “What do you feel like? Indian, Chinese, Pizza?”
Nothing really sounds that appetizing, even though I’m starving. “I don’t know, surprise me.”
Alanna sets out to find her cell phone and order the food. She comes back ten minutes later to find me sprawled out on the couch, staring up at the ceiling blankly.
“Okay, food’s on its way. Now tell me what the hell happened because I can’t take the suspense of knowing why you look…” She motions at my lifeless body with her hand. “Like that. It isn’t like you, and I’m worried.”
I pull myself together and sit up. “Well, you don’t need to be worried, I’m fine I swear. I’m just confused and probably being dramatic. God, I don’t even know where to begin, Alanna. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.”
She furrows her eyebrows with concern and takes a seat beside me. “What happened? Did he hurt you?”
I smile at her protective instincts and shake my head. “No, it was nothing like that.”
I purposely leave out the little detail of him spanking me, because even though it did hurt a little, I enjoyed it, and it would just be embarrassing if I told her about it.
“Oh, well then color me confused. What happened then?”
I can’t look her in the eye. We talk about sex all the time, but it’s mainly Alanna’s sex life since I don’t have one. But this is different, and it feels more than a little awkward. “I uh… I don’t know exactly how to say this.”
“Oh c’mon!” she urges. “Don’t be embarrassed around me. You can tell me anything. We have no secrets, remember?”
I sigh, knowing that she’s right. She’s the one person I trust with my life. And given our background, there’s good reason for that.
When I met Alanna, it was during my first year of being on the run. I was crashing in a homeless shelter in Texas when she came in bloodied and bruised. She had been beaten to a pulp by her husband, who just so happened to be a cop. She was scared and had nowhere to go and was afraid she would have to return to her husband or die trying to get away.
We became fast friends, deciding to go on the run together. We learned through trial and error how to stay under the radar. We would only stay in places that took cash and fake names and only worked under the table type jobs. After a while, we realized that the big cities were easier to hide in, with lots of crappy places to stay that didn’t mind turning a blind eye for a bit of cash.
But it didn’t take long for me to realize that Alanna had more problems than just an abusive husband after her. She was addicted to pain-killers as well. I found her in our motel room one night passed out with the empty bottles surrounding her. She was unresponsive, and I had to take a big risk by taking her to the hospital. I gave the hospital a fake name and paid in cash for the visit. Luckily Alanna pulled through, but everything changed after that night.
I had to give her an ultimatum. If she wanted to stick together, she had to give up the drugs, and we could have no secrets between us. She pleaded with me to stay with her, and I did. For the next month, we stayed locked up in a cheap motel room while she detoxed. I was there for her every step of the way. And during that time, our friendship changed. From that day on, we became more like sisters.
I glance at the woman sitting across from me now and smile. I would have never believed that the vibrant, beautiful, bubbly creature that she is would have ever been depressed in her life. Or taken any kind of shit from a man. She’s a changed woman now, and I couldn’t be prouder of how far she’s come.
She clears her throat and smirks at me. “What are you smiling about over there in la-la land? You’ve been out of it for like five minutes!”
I grin, and grab her hand, squeezing it reassuringly.
“Just something you said. I was thinking about the early days of us on the run together. How did I ever get so lucky to meet you?”
She leans in and hugs me tight. “Are you kidding me, Toto? I’m the lucky one. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Literally a blessing from heaven above. You saved my life, and I can’t imagine being without you either.”
“Remember how stupid we were back then?” I laugh. “Trying to hide in small towns and trying to come up with fake names all the time. It was so much harder when we had no idea what we were doing. We are like pros now.”
She bursts out laughing right along with me. “Yeah, we were pretty dumb back then.”
We sit back on the couch and relax for a minute before she changes the subject back. I knew it was only a matter of time.
“Seriously Toto, you and I have been through so much together. You can tell me anything, and I will never ever judge you or make you feel bad for it. I am so not that person, you should know that.”
I nod and clasp my hands nervously in my lap. “I know.”
“So, please will you tell me what happened with you and Gabriel today?” she asks.
“Yes, Alanna.” I sigh. “But you should know this is really awkward for me. You know how I get when I try to talk about sex.”
“Okay.” She scrunches her face, trying her best to suppress her smile.
“So Gabriel has a little bit of a kinky side.”
Her eyes widen with sudden interest. “Well, honestly, I’d be kind of surprised if he didn’t. He’s rich, and those people are notorious for being kinky bastards. So what exactly is he into?”
“Um….” I shift nervously in my seat. “Well, he likes to… uh… dominate, I guess.” I whisper as if that will somehow compensate for the embarrassment.
Alanna shakes violently with laughter and slaps her hand on her thigh for good measure. I scowl at her. After her minute-long fit of uproarious laughter, she breathes a huge sigh of relief. “Is that all? So he told you he wants to dominate you?”
“Yes!” I state firmly, panic flashing across my face. “And I actually let him.”
“You had me thinking the worst. So you actually tried it? Did you like it?” As soon as the words are out of her mouth, her brow furrows with new realization. “Oh…. geez I am such an idiot. I didn’t even think. Of course, it would be scary for you, babe. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”
“No, no, it’s okay. I’m okay. He didn’t hurt me, and I wasn’t scared at all. To my surprise, I actually… um, kind of liked it.”
“Well, I am so relieved.” She smiles softly. “But did you kind of like it, or did you really like it? Because right now your face is bright red.”
“Okay, maybe I liked it a lot,” I say sheepishly. “But I don’t know if I want to keep doing this. He is so weird. One minute he’s all hot and sweet, and the next he’s ice cold. I felt weird just leaving afterwards.”
“Well, I hate to point out the obvious, but that’s how casual sex goes. You don’t really stick around.”
“I know,” I groan. “I just… I don’t know.”
“Well, has he treated you badly?” Alanna asks, concern etching her face.
“No, nothing like that,” I reassure her. “He was good, really good. But I just don’t know how to keep my distance, from getting too attached I mean. I don’t want to feel rejected every time I have to leave his apartment.”
“Ah, Victoria, I know it’s hard. I can’t make up your mind for you, sweetie,” she says gently.
“All I can do is tell you what I think. You have to decide if it’s something you want to try. I don’t know this guy, he could be great, but I just want you to be careful. I don’t want you going back down the same path as before with men. Letting them treat you like shit. It’s one thing to dominate you in the bedroom, but he better treat you like a princess everywhere else.”
I sink back into the couch, trying to digest her words.
“As for the emotional stuff,” Alanna continues, “sometimes you can’t shut it off. You are just such a caring person. But you also need to make sure that whatever guy you give your love to is actually worthy of it. I don’t want you to put yourself in another situation that could be traumatic for you in any way. After that whole ordeal with that fucker Chris, I don’t ever want to see you with someone like that again.”
I glance up at her, noticing her open disdain as she mentions my ex-boyfriend. Well, I don’t know if I could even call him that. He was the guy I was madly in love with for years. He was more or less the man who used me for sex whenever one of us was passing through. He definitely didn’t love me, and it took me a lot of heartbreak to finally accept it.
“Chris wasn’t a bad guy, he just had problems. Anyway, I’ve moved on from that. Why do you think Gabriel would be like him?” I ask nervously.
Alanna gives me a sympathetic smile and reaches for my hand. “I don’t. Honestly, I don’t even know the guy. I’m just trying to look out for you. So are you sure you liked what you tried today and weren’t just doing it to appease him?”
“No, it definitely wasn’t like that.” I shake my head. “I mean, it’s kind of weird, but I like the way he talks to me. So blunt and open about what he wants. Even though he infuriates me sometimes, it’s kind of hot when he talks to me that way. But at the same time it kind of feels wrong. I mean, I don’t know I just feel torn.”
“Toto, being dominated isn’t wrong if you enjoy it. It’s nothing like what you went through, I promise you that. It took me a long time to realize that too. As long as it’s with the right person, and they know what they’re doing. But you have to be able to trust that person, and to relinquish control. Some women really like it, and some couldn’t wrap their heads around it if they tried. I personally love it when I find a man who takes control… in the bedroom, I mean.”
“I’m so lucky to have such a sexually adventurous friend.” I tease. “I mean who else would I turn to with these kinds of questions?”
Alanna laughs in response. “I know right?”
“Well, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do tonight. But I don’t think you have to worry about Gabriel. He doesn’t seem like the typical assholes I attract, just a kinky one.”
“And mega rich,” she adds. “And hot to boot.”
I roll my eyes, and Alanna takes it in stride.
“Listen, Toto, if you want to try it with him, just remember you don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to.”
“I know. But I’m still in shock that I’m just now finding out that you like to be dominated.” I smirk. “I have all sorts of crazy images running through my head now, images I never wanted to see.”
“You would say that.” She giggles. “Maybe I’m a little fucked up in the head too, but I enjoy it.”
I relax back into the couch for a moment, lost in thought when the doorbell rings. Alanna pays the delivery man and then lays out an impressive carb-laden spread of Chinese comfort food. I spend the day in my pajamas watching Gilmore Girls and then watch as Alanna happily skips off to another date later that evening.
I haven’t heard anything from Gabriel, and I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m disappointed. I try to remind myself over and over this is supposed to be casual. But at this point, I honestly don’t know if I can do that. Not with him anyway.
I have an important decision to make, and I decide that I need to do some research of my own. I need a better understanding of what kind of man Gabriel is. I sit down on my bed and fire up my laptop, taking a nervous breath as I type his name into Google. For the next forty-five minutes, I mill through gossip blogs, photos, and news articles. By the end, I’m exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Looking at the women he’s dated in the past- famous models and actresses- I feel even worse than before.
In my heart, I know I can’t do this. I’m already feeling too emotionally invested. It shouldn’t be this complicated just to have sex. And I know if I go through with it, somehow I’ll end up getting hurt.
While my mind is clear and focused, I grab my phone and punch in his number. I fumble with the keys as I type out the message.
I’m sorry, but I can’t meet you again.
Victoria x
Before I lose my nerve, I hit send. Then I shut off my phone and take a hot shower. I climb into bed, not even caring that it’s only 7:00 pm. I want sleep and comfort, and to wake up and put all of this behind me tomorrow.
Chapter Twelve
Victoria
I wake to the sound of my door creaking open and the light shining in my face. I rub my eyes wearily as I try to make out the figure looming over me.
“Victoria, it’s me.”
There’s no mistaking the sound of that voice. Deep and rich and sexy as hell. Gabriel. At first I think I might be dreaming, so I smile. But then panic sets in. I sit up in bed anxiously, not sure what I should do. He’s in my apartment, in my fucking bedroom. And here I am half naked and no makeup on.
He proceeds slowly to the mattress on the floor and sits down as gracefully as he can. He looks different. As my eyes adjust, I realize he’s wearing a leather motorcycle jacket and his hair is all windswept and wild.
“What are you doing here?” I ask nervously.
“Alanna let me in,” he replies shortly, glancing around the dimly lit room.
“Jesus, this can’t be where you really live.” He looks down at my mattress with disapproval. “You don’t even have a fucking bed! And don’t get me started on how scary this apartment is.”
His words are enough to bring my inner bitch out of hiding. “Did you just come here to judge my interior decorating skills?”
“This isn’t funny, Victoria.” He stares at me with concern. “This place isn’t safe. It’s very seedy, and I don’t like that two women are living here alone, namely you.”
“Look, I can take care of myself okay. And so can Alanna, we take care of each other. And I do have a bed, you’re sitting on it.”
“A mattress doesn’t make a bed. Tell me why you’re living here. Surely there are better places than this around. Is it an issue of money?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous.” I can’t help but sound offended. “I have money, plenty of money. I just choose not to spend it on flash apartments or furnishing a place that is only temporary.”
He leans closer to me, tucking a loose hair behind my ear, and sending shivers down my spine. I need to get a grip. How can one little touch affect me so much?
I smell the leather of his coat mixed with mint on his breath and I sigh at the pure delight of it. I just assumed he wore suits most of the time, like in all of his photos and at work. But he comes here dressed like this and it just screams bad boy. For some twisted reason, it only makes me want him even more.
“Why did you send me that text?” he asks.
Crap. Here it is. The reason for his being here in the middle of the night.
I look down at my clasped hands in my lap. It was so much easier to be strong when he was safely out of my bubble. But here he is all hot and delicious, expecting me to explain logic to him. “I… I just can’t. It’s too complicated.”
He cups my chin and brings my attention back to his face. “Explain it to me then.”
His voice is soft and gentle as he makes a request that to him seems so simple. But how can I possibly tell him I’m afraid of getting attached? I barely know him. It would sound ridiculous.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “You are just so all over the place. I don’t know if I�
�m right for you, I mean for what you want. I’m not anything like the women you usually...”
A small smile creeps across his lips as he stops me. “No, you aren’t,” he says simply. “That’s why I like you.”
I’m glad in the moment for the dim light in the room because I’m blushing like crazy.
“As for yesterday,” he continues, “I’m sorry if I seemed crass when you were leaving. You took me by surprise. And then you told me you were leaving the city soon. But why?”
His tone is gentle, and if I didn’t know any better he seems genuinely disappointed at the news that I’m leaving. I feel a small pain in my own chest at the thought. I like it here. I like him.
“I have to leave, and I can’t tell you why. It’s just, it’s complicated. I’m sorry.”
His brow furrows, and he remains silent for a few moments as he traces his fingers along his chin, deep in thought. “Alright, then I’ve changed my mind,” he says softly.
He leans in and kisses my cheek, taking me by surprise. Then he pulls me closer, caressing my neck with his lips. He inhales as he presses his nose into my skin, a low growl escaping him. “I want you. I know you want me too, Victoria. Let me stay with you tonight. No agreements, no control. Just remember what it’s like with me before you say no.”
I drink in his words, and the fire his touch leaves behind burns me intensely. I want him that much is true. But I still can’t understand why he wants me.
“Why me, Gabriel? I’m sure you have beautiful women who aren’t nearly as much trouble on speed dial, willing to give themselves over to you at a moment’s notice.”
His hands thread through my hair, stroking it softly. “Victoria, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. And that is not a line. There is just something about you… I have to have you. But only if you want this too. If you let me stay with you tonight, and you still haven’t changed your mind by the morning, I will never bother you again.”