When he and I made love that night, the first time since he lost his dad, I really thought we were getting back on track. I felt complete when he was deep inside me.
Having David home seemed to quell the urges and anxiety. I was more relaxed than I had been in months and my encounter with Landon seemed a distant memory.
That is, until a large bouquet of flowers arrived for me at work one afternoon. There were stargazer lilies, various colors and varieties of daisies, and rose. It was gorgeous and my first thought was that they came from David, until I saw the card.
“Elizabeth, I miss you. Can I see you again, please?”
The card was unsigned, but I knew it was from Landon. Lauren looked over, interested, as I crumpled the card in my hand. “Lucky girl, your hubby sending you flowers for no reason?”
I forced a smile onto my face and nodded as emotions warred inside my head. I got up and made my way over to the shredder, feeding the card to its metal teeth. He was supposed to be a one-night stand. So, why was my heart pounding with excitement just from reading his words?
When David left for another job the following Saturday morning, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to stay away from Landon. It’s funny, once you’ve had a taste of something forbidden, it’s a lot easier to go back to it the second time around.
It was a few nights later after several drinks that I worked up the courage to text him. He’d been quiet since I got the flowers and I didn’t know if it was due to some moral dilemma or because he was used to being in control and wanted me to come to him.
“I’m drinking all alone and missing you.”
His response was almost immediate. “Yeah—it must be bad if you’re drinking alone. I was just imagining those white lace panties myself. I’m out right now. Can I come by later?”
“I’ll be here. Waiting.”
I ran a bubble bath and shaved my legs. This is what my marriage was missing; that thrill you get at the beginning of a relationship, the butterflies. You know, the feeling that I thought would last forever with David. A wave of guilt washed over me as I put my underwear on and suddenly nostalgic, I made my way into his closet and found one of his button-up shirts to put on. His scent enveloped me and I climbed into bed, drowsy and missing my husband. I tried brushing a few tears away, but soon realized it was a futile effort.
I woke up to a pounding on the front door a few hours later to find it pitch black outside. How long was I asleep? I stumbled out of bed, shaky from being awoken so suddenly. I threw open the front door to find Landon.
“I’ve been calling you for the last two hours. I sent you several texts and you never responded. When you didn’t answer, I thought you might be hurt.” I looked up into his eyes and realized he’d been drinking…heavily.
I swallowed hard, “I’m sorry. I fell asleep.”
His eyes were no longer on mine and were instead taking in my body and I belatedly realized that I never buttoned David’s shirt, so my bra and panties were on full display for him. My nipples hardened in response and I was certain he could tell. The hunger in his eyes made me wet and I was at a loss for words. I thought of the woman who’d left him. The woman who’d made me feel so inadequate in comparison. Your loss, Katya. He loves my curves.
He walked in, kicking the door shut behind him. I unconsciously took a step back. He was stalking me like I was his prey and I should’ve been afraid or at the very least, feeling some anxiety. In my addled state, all I felt was need. As he picked me up, my legs instinctively went around him and he stumbled towards the bed. I tasted the alcohol on his tongue and it fueled my desire.
“So beautiful,” he murmured as he undressed me. Within seconds, clothes littered the floor and he was inside me, pushing me to the brink. He held my hair in a death grip and effectively silenced my moans by bringing his mouth down hard over mine. It wasn’t slow or sweet, yet it was everything I wanted.
Later, we sank back down onto the bed. Landon feathered kisses across my throat and I could feel his heart racing. I was beginning to drift off when he pulled me close to him, crushing me against unforgiving muscle. He whispered into my hair, “Why can’t I get you out of my head? You’re killing me.”
I pulled back to look up at him, surprised, before he continued, “I seriously thought I’d get you out of my system after the first time, but you’re all I fucking think about.”
“Is that why you’re drunk? You’re trying to forget me?” My mouth was like cotton.
“You’re seriously asking me that? Fuck yes, I’ve been trying to forget you. I want you, but you’re married. You’re his and it fills me with rage. I want to possess every part of you and call you mine!”
I sat up, stunned. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was just sex. I took a deep breath “Landon, I’m a wreck. You can’t want more from me than just sex.”
He bolted up as if he’d been shot. “A wreck? You’ve been put into an impossible situation, but—” he tried to compose his thoughts before continuing, and I could feel the anger rippling off of him, “You know what? You’re right. It’s just fucking. Let’s leave it at that.”
He stood up, throwing his clothes on with more force than was necessary. I reached for David’s shirt as I was suddenly feeling very exposed. Landon grabbed it before I could and proceeded to rip it down the back before tossing the scraps at me.
I shoved him back against the wall. The alcohol in his system had him unsteady on his feet. He looked down at me, stunned.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I hissed, “Do you really think I want to live my life like this? To be married to someone who is never here? To have these feelings for you dominate every part of my life? God, Landon—I can’t seem to get you out of my system either, but I’m at a fucking loss on what the next step is here.”
He brought his hands up and gripped my hands like a vice. “Damn, you’re a lot stronger than you look. Look, I’m sorry—Fuck, I can’t think straight when I’m around you.”
I stood on my tiptoes, trying to reach his mouth and he released my hands long enough to oblige. There was this electrical current flowing between us when we touched and I worried one or both of us was going to get hurt.
I didn’t even attempt to tell myself that it wouldn’t happen again. He’d woken something in me and I was quickly becoming addicted to him. We began sleeping together anytime David left town. When he was home, I would throw myself at him out of this fear that he would find me out. I literally had my cake and ate it too.
Landon didn’t push me for more, though there were times I wanted that from him. It would’ve been unseemly to demand more without coming to a resolute decision in my marriage.
I couldn’t focus too much attention on it as things were changing rapidly—and not for the better.
I had just walked in from work when I got the text from Jess.
“Lizzie—I need to talk. Something bad has happened.”
My response was immediate, “Jess, what’s going on?”
“Nate’s gone.”
“Oh my God—where are you? Are you okay? Of course you’re not okay.”
“No, I’m not okay. I called into work and I’m at home, getting incredibly drunk.”
“Bring me some vodka. I drank everything else.”
“Will do, just let me change clothes and I’ll be right over.”
“Lizzie, I love you. You really are the bestest person I know!”
I laughed to myself, as the texts were becoming more and more incoherent, before going to change. I took another one of David’s work shirts off the hanger and a pair of my jeans. It was quickly becoming a pattern.
I arrived within an hour, one hand holding copious amounts of alcohol and the other filled with our favorite DVDs. She snatched the bottle of her favorite vodka out of my hand as I kicked off my shoes and settled onto the loveseat.
Jess chugged vodka directly from the bottle as she recounted finding a text message on Nate’s phone the previous night. “It just
said, ‘Please tell me she’s asleep- I need you.’ I knew it, I just knew he was screwing around behind my back. The bastard didn’t even deny it either. He thinks he’s ‘in love’ with her.”
After that bombshell, I made my way into her kitchen and uncorked the bottle of champagne I brought as back-up. Jess gratefully accepted a glass from me as I sank down on the floor next to her.
I took a few sips of the cool, bubbly liquid in an attempt to make sense of what she was telling me. We sat in silence, both of us completely in shock.
“Jess, I am so sorry. I know that I’m going to break the friend code by saying this, but you know I have never liked him. I still can’t believe that shit was cheating on you though.”
She alternated between the vodka and champagne, remaining silent.
“When’s the last time you ate something, Jess?”
She sighed, “Maybe yesterday?”
“God, Jess that is super unhealthy. You’re eating tonight—end of discussion.”
We’d ordered a pizza and gotten most of the way through Bridesmaids when Nate texted her. Once she read it, she began to look a little green. Being the good friend that I was, I held her hair back as she vomited.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
After dealing with the situation with Jess, I managed to put some distance between myself and Landon. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult. David had reverted back to being aloof and I felt like I was being locked out of my own marriage. When I mentioned therapy, he’d looked genuinely offended and I’d ended up changing the subject to keep him placated.
I really thought that maybe David and I were destined to live the rest of our lives as room-mates until one of his employees became a dad.
When we went over to the hospital to see his little girl, I saw something in David that frightened me. Soon, all he began talking about—when he was home, was how he couldn’t wait to be a dad. I knew he was imagining his own dad and the things they did together when he was growing up and he wanted all of those things for a little one of his own.
While I’d wanted to have children eventually, the thought of balancing work with a screaming newborn and a husband who was gone the majority of the time frightened me. I could barely take care of myself, yet I told him I wanted all of those things too. What else could I have done—tell him I was scared senseless and possibly set him off?
We decided to start trying when he finished up his next job and the minute he left to go back to work, I made a phone call to Jess. She answered rather sleepily on the third ring.
“H-hello, Lizzie?”
I cringed, “Sorry to wake you, Jess. How are you doing?”
“I’ve given up sleep in favor of becoming,” she yawned heavily, “an alcoholic. What’s going on?”
“I feel really silly for calling you now. You get some rest and we’ll talk later.”
“Lizzie Greene, you did not just wake me up to see how I am. Start talking or so help me—I will do something.”
“Well, David has got it in his head that he needs to be a dad. Now, he’s said that we’ll start after his next job. I’m just—I’m just not ready for this. He’s not home enough, you know?”
I heard another yawn and thought she might have dozed off while I was talking so I was startled when I heard her voice. “He’s not thinking correctly right now. He’s still grieving his dad and he thinks a baby of his own will help. If you really don’t feel like you can talk to him, then you’d better get on the pill.
I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and she prescribed birth control pills. I wasn’t ready to be a mom, at least not until my husband worked through some things and took jobs closer to home.
David went out and picked up a pregnancy test when my period was late a few weeks later and I held my breath during the longest three minutes of my life. I counted backward and realized that I hadn’t even waited until the pills were effective before we were having unprotected sex. I had to feign disappointment when it came back negative.
After that, I thought things would go back to “normal”, but the pregnancy scare brought my anxiety out in full force and I felt like a bow string taut and ready to snap at the slightest thing. I was a complete train-wreck.
It was becoming too much to manage between my work obligations, David coming home just to try to knock me up, and Landon constantly checking in to see how I was. I needed someone to talk to—Jess was either drunk or sleep-deprived. Her advice stopped making sense when she suggested I work-from-home making delicious smoothies with the Vitaminja Pro Series Blender. Not only could it whip up smoothies and shakes, but toss in an entire meal and it would cook the whole thing in thirty seconds or less. I worried that she was getting the majority of her advice from late-night infomercials and decided to call a professional.
I lied to David and told him that I was struggling with my inability to get pregnant and he suggested I see a therapist. I scheduled an appointment with Dr. White on the following Monday afternoon when he was out of town.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
My first meeting with Dr. White was slightly different now that I remember it as it happened. I sat on the couch while she sat across from me in her plush red velvet armchair, her legs tucked up underneath her.
She began, “Elizabeth, I need you to walk me through this situation you’re in. How did it all start?”
I swallowed and began, “My husband, David, is gone a lot. The jobs around here have dried up lately, so he’s been traveling all over the state—taking whatever comes his way,” She just made notes and listened without judgment and even passed me some tissues when I choked up. “I know I should be supportive, but it’s really been taking a toll on us lately. Since he lost his dad he’s taken on even more work for himself and when he’s not working, he’s with his mom.”
Once the floodgates were opened, hurts I didn’t even know existed began to pour out. “I just feel abandoned emotionally by David. He’s thrown up these barriers and it doesn’t matter what I do—I can’t break them down. I’ve lost!” I try in vain to dry my tears with the tissue, but they just kept coming.
Dr. White looked up at me, “Elizabeth, if you’ve lost—who has won?”
I sniffled, “David is just gone, like he can’t even stand to be around me anymore.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile, “You are in charge of you. You cannot let another person dictate your life,” She let me regain my composure before continuing, “Let’s talk more about David and your feelings of abandonment there.”
“Since his dad died, he’s shut me out emotionally while he’s dealt with things and it hurt,” I paused to try to pull myself together, “Now, he’s so focused on building his business and checking in on his Mom every other weekend that I feel like I never see him.”
Dr. White nodded at me, “And what is his plan for the business? Is he going to be bringing in more help?”
I sighed, “I think that his ultimate plan is to grow the business enough to step back some, but right now he’s basically married to his company. When you hear people talk about how hard it is to be self-employed, they aren’t kidding. His phone rings constantly and there’s always a sub-contractor that’s not showing up or doing their job incorrectly when they are there.”
She noted my response, “Has he mentioned where you fit into this grand plan?”
I snorted, “No, he just tells me to be patient. I’ve tried, but now he wants a baby—I’m scared. Financially, things have already been tight and if he and I are already on shaky ground—how bad will our lives be with a newborn?”
“Did you express your hesitation to him?”
Her last question caught me slightly off-guard, “No, he’s had such a rough year with losing his Dad and having to look for bigger jobs out of town. I guess I didn’t want to add to his stress—he’s so hard right now, but there’s this vulnerability about him too. And I did want to have a baby, but the thought of being the only one responsible for caring for it scares me. Look at wh
at a bang up job I’m doing with just me.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh, but she didn’t seem amused.
“How are you coping?”
“I’ve cleaned the house a lot and—I met someone,” Dr. White tilted her head and raised her eyebrows at me. “It’s not like you’re thinking. He and I met at a job fair a couple of months ago and he became a friend. Landon has been the only one to care enough to ask about my day and what’s going on with me.” Never mind the fact, that I had slept with him on multiple occasions, I wasn’t quite ready to divulge that information to a stranger.
“Elizabeth, you mentioned that you’ve been cleaning a lot and that seems to be your coping mechanism for stressful situations, but I also want you to look at it symbolically. Do you think that you cleaning until your home is spotless is an effort to remove the guilt you feel over your marriage having problems?”
“I guess so, but the thing with Landon isn’t like that,”
She stopped me, “I’m not even specifically referring to Landon. You have anxiety and control issues—and right now, your marriage is the thing over which you have the least amount of control.”
I’m sure my mouth hung open. “I hadn’t even looked at it that way, but it’s true. I feel powerless and to be honest, I’m tired of fighting.”
She nodded in agreement with me. “You’re so much more than what’s happening in your marriage. Don’t let the status of one area of your life define you as a person. Life isn’t a movie. Prince Charming doesn’t rescue the princess from an ordinary life only to live ‘happily ever after’. All relationships can become stale and ordinary over time unless you work at them and they all go through rough patches. You probably find yourself attracted to Landon because he recreates the feelings you had for David when you met—and he makes you feel valued.”
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