‘She’s amazing.’
‘She doesn’t want anyone to know.’
‘Of course she doesn’t! It’s the country! I don’t even think lesbians are invented here.’
‘Don’t be stupid. Maybe she’s just embarrassed of me,’ she said, with a tiny smile that meant as if that could be it.
‘Do you … are you into her?’
‘What? (pause) No! (pause) I don’t know.’
‘You are!’ I paused. ‘Are you gay?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I don’t know. I just like kissing people!’ She burrowed into her pillow and shook her head, making little angsty, whiney noises. ‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘I’m a terrible person.’
We were quiet for a bit, but then Mia asked, ‘But what about you? You and J-Rad!’
I remembered about Jarrod all over again. I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes, scrunching up my face. ‘It was amazing,’ I admitted.
I could feel her smiling. It felt like she was making fun of me, but it didn’t matter. Sort of made what had happened between Jarrod and me really real, even though I wasn’t totally sure I wanted it to be.
‘Go Addie,’ she said, poking me.
‘Go yourself.’ I poked her back.
‘What do you think? Don’t you think he’s cute? Do you luuurve him?’ Mia was unstoppable.
‘I kinda think he’s so much cooler than anyone gives him credit for. But, I mean … what kind of name is Jarrod?’ I couldn’t stop smiling. ‘Oh, I don’t know!’
Then it was Wednesday and Mia was booked on the V/Line to clackety-clack back to the city to stay with her godmother for the last bit of the holidays. We walked to the station, carrying her duffle between us, one handle each, and she said goodbye to everything – buildings, roads, trees, things she hadn’t even interacted with during her visit.
‘Hey, why didn’t your mum and dad have any more kids?’ she asked.
‘Err, because he died.’
She sucked in a breath, just for a second. Then she steamed right on. ‘But you were ten or something, right? What about before that?’
‘I’d just turned nine.’ I liked how she didn’t let on that she felt bad, even though I think deep down she did. ‘But, yeah, I don’t know.’
‘And now you have Clover. Was anything ever cuter?’
‘She’s the best,’ I agreed. I could never think about her and not smile.
I took Mia past the primary school to show her Miss Nell’s house and we sat on the creaky verandah while leftover rain dripped off the roof.
‘Want me to say hi to everyone back at school?’ Mia asked, as she took my raincoat to sit on.
‘Yeah, go on,’ I said. ‘Have to say I’m still glad I’m not going back.’
‘You haven’t missed us? Well, that makes me feel blue, darling,’ she said, jokily. ‘Hardly any texts. No Facey updates. Now even Ben’s stopped asking about you.’ The hurt showed through the snark.
My stomach dropped at least six storeys. I hadn’t really thought about how I’d gone and left behind the St Thomas’s girls, and I felt sorry and a little embarrassed. I looked down at my hands. My fingernails were filthy.
Mia let out a long and noisy breath. ‘And so Nick’s coming back soon?’
‘Yeah, I think Mum said tomorrow or Friday or something.’
‘Do you find it weird, him coming and going like he does?’
‘I dunno. Do you think it’s weird?’
She shrugged and laughed. ‘I see my own parents about five times a year. I don’t think anything is weird.’
I tried to show her through the rest of the house, pointing out all the things I would fix if I knew how to fix things, but it frightened her because of all the spiders.
‘Who are you?’ asked Mia as she maniacally brushed herself down.
‘What a city slicker,’ I scoffed, leaning against a particularly filthy wall.
I must have looked disappointed or something, because her voice changed and she continued, ‘I do think the house is cool, but it’s so creepy and cobwebby.’
That was true. When I looked at it through Mia’s eyes it really did take the bloom off the rose. And I could feel phantom (I hoped) bugs on me. ‘I’ll call more. I promise. I’ve missed you.’
The train was on time and there was no rush for tickets – there wasn’t even a ticket window at the station anymore. You had to buy your ticket on the train and the conductors would sigh heavily like it was the most annoying thing ever, rather than their job.
‘Have you got exact change?’ I asked. ‘They like it when you have exact change.’
‘It’ll be fine. Don’t worry, you silly thing. I thought you’d given up worrying.’
It was the city and St Thomas’s that had made me a worrier. ‘I have given up. I’m one hundred per cent relaxed and unfussed. I’m being motherly.’
We hugged as the train came screeching in, and I felt awfully sad that she was leaving. In that moment I devoutly believed that Emyvale was the only place people should be.
Only two people were getting on the train, Mia included. It wasn’t surprising. There’d even been talk about closing this station – it only took twenty minutes to drive to the next one, in the bigger town a little way down the highway. Even with little love lost between me and my home, it would make me sad if Emyvale were bypassed not only by the highway but the trains as well.
How would anyone know we were here?
Mia stepped up onto the train and leaned back out towards me. ‘Not long until we’re free! Fourteen short weeks. I think we can make it.’
‘Say hello to everyone for me,’ I said.
‘And hey, Addie? Give him a chance.’ She winked.
I shrugged, and blushed. ‘We’ll see.’
I kicked a stone along the footpath on the way home. Avoided stepping on the cracks. Waved to all the people I knew. And to some I didn’t. You country hick.
I snuck into the pharmacy. Jen was behind the counter. ‘Hey, Addie. What’s up?’
‘Um, not much.’ I studied her face. ‘I popped in to say hi. I’ve just taken Mia to the train.’
‘Uh-huh.’
Nothing. She was Mona Lisa neutral.
It was like I was on stage and had forgotten my lines so I stood there and my head nodded like a bobblehead and I smiled without meaning to smile, like those babies people coo over when the babies aren’t actually smiling but they just need to fart.
I didn’t need to fart but was definitely holding something in. More like questions along these lines: Do you like Mia, like like her? How long have you known you were gay? Do you want to talk about it? Why haven’t you said anything before? Did you hear that Jarrod and I made out? Does everyone know? And do you like like Mia?
‘Back to school next week,’ I said, just for something to say.
‘Yeah.’ Jen glanced around to check on any customers. ‘Yep. Back to it.’
‘We slept all arvo after the party.’
‘Did you? Lucky.’
‘You couldn’t sleep?’ Honestly, you could’ve added a winky face to all my sentences.
‘We were at my aunty’s place and I had to help Mum with things.’
‘Oh.’ I tried to read her face. I resolved never to play poker with her.
‘Did you need to pick anything up?’
‘No. Oh. I’ll take a packet of jelly beans.’
‘Your blood sugar low?’
‘Something like that.’
‘You got a text, Addie,’ said Mum. ‘What u doin tonight? … Ooh, it’s from Jarr—’
I snatched my phone from her.
‘Invite your boyfriend over for dinner,’ said Nick.
‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ I said, mortified.
‘No?’
‘I don’t know what
he is. My friend? I like him.’ I was gibbering, I couldn’t stop. I was talking without thinking and I didn’t like it.
Mum clearly thought that if she lowered her face I wouldn’t see her smile or hear her laugh.
I tried to keep the panicky feeling inside and under control.
I’m sure there are girls out there who don’t care if people know who they’ve been kissing. I am not those girls, though I wished I was.
‘Addie!’ came a squeaky sister squeal. Then a sisterly leap into my lap.
‘You’re a bit stinky,’ I said. ‘Time for a bath?’
In our brown-tiled bathroom it was quiet and calm. She wriggled, hopping from foot to foot, all excited, while I took her clothes off her. She babbled and sang tunelessly.
‘Arm up,’ I said. ‘Other one.’ Pulling her top off always made me feel like I was skinning a rabbit. Not Ears, obviously.
Clover watched the water run into the tub, leaning on her hands on the bath’s lip and peering in. I threw in her toys and she exclaimed with each one. She hooked one leg over the edge as I turned off the tap. ‘Hot?’ she asked, her foot hovering above the water’s surface.
I swished my hand through the water. ‘Perfect!’ Then I hauled her under the armpits and lowered her into the bath, dangling her high above the water, dipping her feet in before hoiking her back up. Then I dipped her a bit lower, a bit lower again. Her laughing was primal, pure hysterical enjoyment, and I felt a giggling fit coming on.
She splashed about in the water, zooming her rubber duck across the surface. I gently worked to detangle her hair, separating it into sections and unwinding and rewinding the tight curls. Every now and then she’d shout ‘Ow’ but I was being gentle so I think it was just out of habit.
I heard Mum’s voice carry down the hallway. ‘Addie and Clover are just having a bath.’
Oh, cringe.
‘I’m not in the bath,’ I shouted back.
Clover sent an arc of water my way, splattering across the side of my face and across my front.
Jarrod was standing in the door. ‘Wet t-shirt contest?’
I’d texted back and invited Jarrod to come to the family dinner. And he’d agreed to come. And now he was standing in the bathroom doorway, wearing what I could only assume were his very best of clothes. I looked, by comparison, like a bedraggled hobo. I quickly pulled the plug from the bath so I could go and fix my appearance.
I went to get up when a slippery, naked, shivering Clover launched into my arms. Her spindly little arms clutched around my neck as she cried, a little sob that broke my heart but also made me giggle a little: ‘I don’t like it, I hate it, scary monster in the plug!’
I pushed Clover in the direction of Mum and Nick, who were fighting over how best to light the fireplace, and went to dig through the clothes down the bottom of my wardrobe. Found a dress. Sniffed the armpits and pulled it on. I ran a brush through my hair. I even dusted on some makeup (that Mia had left behind) across my face.
‘Well, don’t you look fancy?’ said Mum, poking me as I passed her coming into the kitchen.
I died a little inside, poked her back and rolled my eyes at Jarrod, trying to act like I always changed into a dress for dinner.
As we all sat down at the table I couldn’t tell you what he was thinking, except that he looked a little uncomfortable or shy. We passed our plates around and received generous servings of hot, cheesy lasagne.
‘Have you always been a musician, Nick?’ Jarrod asked in a most polite voice.
Not only did Nick pretend to be a soldier for fun and games with Clover, he had actually been a marine once, straight after he finished school. He’d gone to the first Gulf War. I’d heard these stories before, but it was then that Jarrod started talking about signing up to the army.
A pinging started up in my ears. I shook my head, feeling enraged and terrified and a little bit betrayed, too.
Worse, my mother was nodding along and appeared unshocked.
‘You wouldn’t really join the army, though?’ I asked, trying to be really relaxed and cool and light and not at all like this conversation had given me vertigo and tinnitus.
‘Maybe. It’s not like I want to be a soldier, but you’ve seen the ads. It’s money. They pay for any study you want to do.’
‘It’s not a terrible idea,’ said Mum.
I was flabbergasted. ‘You realise there are wars, or conflicts or whatever, going on all over the world, don’t you?’ I said. ‘You’d probably have to go. Can you honestly say that you support all that shit?’
‘I don’t know,’ he replied. ‘They’re gonna be fighting with or without me. I can’t do anything to change that. I may as well take the things they can offer me.’
I shook my head. ‘I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t fight when I didn’t agree with why there was fighting in the first place.’
Jarrod just shrugged and asked Nick, ‘How’d you get into music then?’
‘Ahh, blues is the music that heals.’ Sometimes Nick enjoyed being cryptic.
Jarrod was apparently sympathetic to the cryptic and didn’t miss a beat. ‘How long have you been healing?’ he asked.
‘Twenty-one years,’ Nick replied. ‘Ever since I left the army, no looking back. It’s what I always wanted to do. I’m living the dream.’ He always drew his words out as though singing them. His voice was deep and growly, but he could also make it pure and soulful, like his music. He always brought Mum new records, actual vinyl records, when he came – the more obscure and strange the better it would seem. ‘Off to Tassie soon for a week or so, then Adelaide – Radelaide,’ he said, and laughed with pleasure at how Australian he was. He always pronounced it Tassie with an s instead of a z sound, though. Like Ossie instead of Aussie.
‘Cool,’ Jarrod said.
‘You play?’ Nick asked Jarrod.
He laughed. ‘Nah.’
But in a split second I had images of Jarrod playing guitar, maybe the cool, aloof bass player in an indie rock band. ‘You should learn!’ I said, nodding and smiling and trying to be encouraging.
‘What, with these hands?’ He held them up, calloused and working-man.
‘He could pick it up, couldn’t he?’ I asked. I was fixated, I knew I should have stopped talking, but I felt compelled.
‘Sure, sure,’ Nick said.
‘I’m not really musical,’ Jarrod said, a bit disparagingly, I thought. He nodded in my direction. ‘You should learn, Addie. I can see you rocking out on stage.’
Now that was an interesting idea.
After dinner we ended up being convinced to sit around the lounge room and have a sing. It was dorky and wonderful. Nick taught us one blues song and one gospel and though for me it wasn’t totally out of the ordinary, I was embarrassed that Jarrod was being forced to be part of it and worried that he would feel out of place. But he got right into it.
He sang along and his voice was good, and it caused my blood to tingle through my veins, crackling and hot.
When it was the end of the night I walked Jarrod to his car. We stood a bit awkwardly until he reached a hand out and brushed against the skirt of my dress ever so slightly. ‘Thanks for inviting me around.’
‘Thanks for coming,’ I said. It was like my whole body took a breath. I could only smile, and look at him. ‘My family’s pretty crazy, right?’ I said.
‘Pretty much. But fun,’ he replied.
‘Ah. Pretty but fun. Like me,’ I said.
He just laughed and climbed into his car and with a ‘Night!’ and a wave he was gone.
I missed the kiss that we hadn’t had, and wondered why he hadn’t tried.
But you didn’t try to kiss him, whispered my rational brain.
Shut up, brain, I thought, and went inside.
Later, Mum walked past my bedroom door and I called for her to come in.<
br />
‘Why did you stick up for Jarrod tonight?’ I asked. ‘With the army thing.’
‘Why didn’t you?’ she asked.
‘Because I didn’t agree with him.’
‘I do like your headstrongness. Is that a word? That’s not the point. Addie, you don’t think it would be better to try to understand why he might make this decision?’
I felt guilty. ‘But there are so many other things he could do, instead of that,’ I insisted.
‘But are there?’ she asked. ‘Consider his options.’ She counted out on her fingers. ‘School? Not for him. He doesn’t have his high school certificate. No trade, nothing that he wants to pursue anyway. In this town he could work in the pub, the supermarket … that’s about it, baby.’
The ‘baby’ wasn’t affectionate, though – it was totally condescending. It was Mum slamming her point home.
‘But you hate war.’ I was confused, something I didn’t love to be. In fact, it was my most hated emotional state.
‘I do,’ she replied gravely. ‘But I’m big on understanding why people are compelled to do things and I want to understand the challenges people face. Step outside of myself sometimes.’ She put her hands on my shoulders and squeezed them gently as she got up from my bed.
I just sat there. I had never thought I was a thoughtless person before. It was uncomfortable.
A text buzzed through.
Wish I kissed u tonight.
Our house wasn’t huge and with Nick back I felt crowded in. And it wouldn’t stop raining. I decided to take the day and decided to spend it with Jarrod. Schoolwork could wait.
Bring your car, I texted.
I slammed the front door and ran as carefully as I could up the path all slippery with mud. The rain was fat and heavy and within moments I was soaked through.
My shoes skidded on the floor of the car as I got in, half-falling into the passenger seat and slamming this door too.
‘Hi,’ said Jarrod. His hair was wet, sticking up as though he’d just rubbed it with a towel and left the house. He looked good in a jumper, this guy. Thick navy blue wool, like an old man might wear, who’d have thunk it? He looked so warm I wanted to leap into his lap and snuggle right in. I madly wanted to lean over and kiss him.
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