by Molly Green
‘It’s his feeding time,’ the midwife said. ‘Why don’t you sit up a bit more and undo your nightdress.’
Fear shot through her. Being a nurse hadn’t helped her for this moment. But she did what she was told, then opened the front of her nightdress. The midwife placed him on her right breast and immediately he began sucking.
Maxine looked down at her baby taking her milk, and without any warning a torrent of love flooded her whole being. She loved him. More than she’d ever loved anyone. And she would always love him, regardless of who his father was.
‘Best thing for you now, Mrs Taylor, is sleep,’ the midwife said briskly after some minutes, ‘and in the morning the doctor will come and stitch you up.’ She leaned over and picked up the baby, who wailed in protest. The next moment they’d both vanished.
Teddy, Maxine thought. His name is Edward Taylor but he’ll be known as Teddy.
Despite the cries and screams and sobs of the other mothers, Maxine slipped into a deep sleep and was surprised when she woke up and it was morning.
‘Breakfast, Mrs Taylor.’ A young nurse put a tray on her bedside table and helped her into a sitting position. ‘I’ve a nice cup of tea for you and some porridge. Afraid there’s no sugar, but I managed to find a teaspoonful of treacle. And a piece of bread and marg.’
‘Thank you, Nurse,’ Maxine managed. ‘You’re very kind.’
‘That’s all right, Mrs Taylor. Just eat it up and then you can see your baby. I expect his father is away like most of the fathers. Such a shame they can’t see—’
‘His father is dead.’
‘Oh! Oh, my goodness.’ The young nurse’s hand flew to her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry. I should have checked. I—’
‘There’s no need to apologise, Nurse. You weren’t to know.’
‘I’ll be off then.’
Maxine drank her lukewarm tea gratefully. This time there was no sugar in it but she was used to that. She picked up her spoon and dug it into a hard mass of porridge. She took a mouthful, then put the spoon down. She couldn’t eat it. With a sigh, she folded the slice of bread and margarine in two and took a reluctant bite.
She could have changed her mind – even at such a late stage. She wasn’t in a home for unmarried mothers and children where she’d be forced to give up her baby for adoption; she was a widow and it would have appeared perfectly natural for her to keep the baby. But how could she make sure Teddy had a happy life – give him the best education, be both father and mother, always there for him, when she had to work for a living?
After all the agonising she’d made her decision, for better or worse, and she just had to stick to it.
It was far worse when they gave her Teddy to hold. To feel his warmth – his baby milky smell – see his blue eyes, unfocused, but looking just as though they were watching her. Maxine was as certain as the fact that she was holding him that he knew she was his mother. He sucked her nipples greedily until they were so sore she could barely stand the sensation of her thin cotton nightdress when the fabric brushed against them. How he howled when the nurse would take him away from her. She was proud he had good lungs. He wasn’t going to be a weakling – not like his father.
What kind of man would he become? she wondered. Would he make a difference in the world? She only hoped he would never see a war – or have to go to war. She thought of all the mothers who had lost their sons in the last one – the war to end all wars, they said – but it hadn’t. She couldn’t bear to lose Teddy. But she was going to lose him. Any week, any day, he’d be snatched from her. She shut her eyes tightly as the agony of having to let him go washed over her once more.
Every time she wavered she only had to re-read the closing lines in the letter the man from the agency who had found the couple to adopt Teddy wrote.
I know it will be very painful for you, Mrs Taylor, but rest assured it’s the right thing to do for the child. If you love your child, as we know you do, you’ll want the best for him. Even if it means giving him up for adoption. And we couldn’t have found a more suitable couple. They lost their only child, a daughter, through illness and are heartbroken. We are sure Teddy will help them to heal, while they give him a loving home in return.
Maxine dropped her head in her hands and the tears ran between her fingers. She couldn’t help but wonder who would help her heal.
No matter how she tried, Maxine couldn’t sleep. Tomorrow was when she would hand her precious baby over to strangers – praying the adoption centre had thoroughly vetted the couple who were to take Teddy home. Tossing and turning, she finally put the bedside lamp on and looked at the clock. Ten past three. She hadn’t slept a wink. She’d sobbed her heart into her pillow the first hour, then tried to think if there was any possible way she could keep the baby. Her mother wouldn’t turn her out like Pearl’s mother, she didn’t think, but she would tell Maxine she’d have to stay at home and look after him. She knew her parents couldn’t afford an extra mouth – two, when Teddy was a few months older, but worse … her mother would say she couldn’t face the neighbours knowing what shame her daughter had brought upon them. And she’d say how Maxine was placing an extra burden on her father with his bad heart. He needed his rest, she could hear her mother saying, and wouldn’t be able to tolerate a screaming baby. It would kill him.
Did she really want Teddy to grow up in such an atmosphere of resentment? She tried to close her eyes again but the demons had taken over.
No one was with her at ten o’clock next morning when she signed the register under the watchful eye of Mrs Lidbetter at the adoption centre. The last sight Maxine had of her son was his tuft of red hair peeping out of his bonnet, his blue eyes looking up at her with such trust, as the woman gently took Teddy from her. Immediately, he screamed as Mrs Lidbetter hurried him through the double door.
It had taken every bit of Maxine’s self-control not to go rushing after them, telling the woman she’d changed her mind. Blinded by tears, she stumbled out of that hateful building, her arms now empty, knowing she would never again hold that precious body close to hers.
Chapter Sixteen
She would have to find a job. Pearl had been wonderful these last two months when thankfully she was rehearsing a new show in Liverpool, so came home every night, but now it was September and Maxine couldn’t encroach on her cousin’s good nature any longer. Although she’d visited her parents a couple of times and her mother in particular had begged her to come home, Maxine wanted somewhere of her own. But with no money and no job it was going to be a problem.
‘Have you got any idea what you want to do?’ Pearl said when Maxine brought her in a cup of tea one morning. ‘Oh, what a treat. Thanks, Max.’ She stretched her hands out to take it.
Maxine sat on the dressing-table stool and sipped her tea. ‘I need somewhere I can live in – kill two birds with one stone. The hospital was easy. I was living with Mum and Dad, and if I hadn’t had them I’d have lived in, like I did at St Thomas’.’ She swallowed, remembering Anna.
‘And you don’t want to go back to nursing?’ Pearl asked.
‘Not at the Infirmary. I couldn’t bear that. I must go somewhere where no one knows me.’
‘Hmm.’ Pearl furrowed her brow. ‘There are other hospitals in Liverpool, Max. Why don’t you try them?’
‘I want a change. Did I ever tell you I really wanted to teach children? It was Mum’s idea I should do nursing. They were so set on it – well, Mum was – and because Mickey’s such a wash-out, I tried to do what they thought was best for me. And ended up really liking it.’
‘So get a job in a children’s hospital,’ Pearl said. ‘You’d have the best of both worlds.’
‘It’s an idea, but there isn’t one locally, I don’t think. And I want to keep close to Mum and Dad. He’s not been quite so good lately.’ She drained her cup and rose to her feet.
‘Something will turn up,’ Pearl said. ‘It always does.’
Pearl’s idea was a good one but there woul
d be babies to look after in a children’s hospital. And Maxine knew she could never work on the babies’ ward. It would break her heart.
Joining up seemed the only sensible option. They always needed nurses and were talking about conscripting women with no children. If she didn’t soon volunteer, she wouldn’t have any say in it. She could easily be sent abroad and with her father becoming weaker she didn’t want to leave him.
She’d go to the library. They would have details of the different forces and how to join up. It would give her something definite to do. Teddy’s little face swam before her and she blinked back the tears, wondering how there could be any more left inside her. Her only consolation was that she was sure the couple could give Teddy a better life than she would be able to give him. She’d done the right thing for her beloved boy and if she needed to remind herself a hundred times a day, then she would.
The young man behind the counter of Liverpool’s library gave her a welcoming smile when she walked in. He chose a few leaflets.
‘You’ll have most of the answers to your questions here,’ he said. ‘It should help you make up your mind which branch you’d be interested in joining.’
Maxine folded them in two and tucked them into her handbag. She noticed a pile of local papers on one of the tables nearby and an elderly man was reading one of them. It would be good to catch up with the news as Pearl rarely listened to the wireless and wouldn’t allow a newspaper in the house. She said it was all too depressing for words and she didn’t need any more unhappiness in her life.
Maxine nodded to the man at the table and picked up a spare paper. She sat down and flicked through it. When she came to the Situations Vacant page, she skimmed down the column. Something caught her eye.
Children’s nurse required for Dr Barnardo’s home, nr Liverpool. Must be fully qualified. Children’s experience desirable. Live-in and all found. Please apply to Matron, Bingham Hall, Bingham.
Bingham Hall was just a few miles away. For the first time since losing Teddy, Maxine felt a twinge of hope. She read the advertisement again and immediately the hope dwindled. Must be fully qualified. She’d had the date of her finals just before she’d found out she was pregnant. How could she explain to them why she hadn’t sat her exams? It was no good. She threw the paper to one side, and the elderly man gave her a quick glance before he returned to his reading.
She still had the leaflets about the various forces to read and ponder over, but the job at Dr Barnardo’s – that was the one she’d really like. She wouldn’t have to worry about being sent abroad, so she could keep an eye on her parents, particularly her father. But the best thing of all was that she wouldn’t have to cope with any more badly injured soldiers and so many deaths, which brought her to tears every time another young man slipped away. She knew she was being a coward, but losing Teddy … She gulped. Losing Teddy was worse than anything she could ever have imagined, but if she could put her heart and soul into a job for needy children, it might somehow help to ease the unbearable band of pain which gripped her heart every moment of every day. And they’d be children at Dr Barnardo’s. She wouldn’t have to face any newborn babies.
But it was wishful thinking. However Maxine looked at it, there was no getting round the fact she didn’t have the necessary requirements.
Maxine thanked the young man behind the library counter. She needed a cup of tea. She walked down the street and into the first café she came to. It was full of men smoking, but she ignored them and sat at a small table to one side where she ordered her tea and a bun and began to read the first leaflet about the WRNS. There was a photograph on the front of a pretty girl in her smart uniform, and a description of the interesting life you could have.
But all the time Maxine read, her mind wasn’t properly taking it in. If only the job at Dr Barnardo’s hadn’t stated so firmly that the nurse must be fully qualified. But suppose no one else applied for the job. She knew nurses were short because of the war. The matron might make an exception if she liked her. The more she thought about it, the more she knew she would do anything in her power to get this job.
She didn’t want to write. She’d have preferred to speak to the matron on the telephone but there was no number. She could find it out, but it was probably a deliberate omission because the matron wanted to get a feel of the applicants before she began the interviews.
But what if she beat the other applicants? What if she presented herself in person at Bingham Hall before the interviews were even arranged? Matron could only turn her away. She’d be no worse off.
She set her chin determinedly.
Maxine alighted from the bus and made her way down the lane where the conductor had pointed and then left up a long, steep drive. Her heart was beating rapidly, but this time it wasn’t so much from nerves as anticipation. She allowed herself a smile. She was finally doing something. Taking her life into her own hands. Even if she wasn’t offered the job, she was pleased she’d made the decision to come here. If it wasn’t to be this one, there was likely to be another orphanage in the area.
Just as Bingham Hall came into view, the sun came out. The house reminded her of a castle with its crenellated exterior. Tall chimneys sliced through puffed-up white clouds in a clear blue sky, glinting on the stained-glass windows of a turret-shaped building attached to the left-hand side. She wondered who cleaned the hundreds of leaded light windows, but the whole effect was charming and Maxine instantly knew this was the place where she wanted to work. And call home.
With a firm hand she grasped the bell cord by the huge oak door at the entrance and pulled. She stepped back and waited. A housemaid opened the door.
‘Yes, Miss?’
‘May I come in? I would like a few words with Matron.’
‘Is Miss Lavender expecting you, Miss?’
‘Not exactly.’ Maxine managed to step round her and into the massive baronial hall.
Before Maxine had a chance to take in the surroundings, the maid said, ‘May I ask who’s calling, Miss?’
‘Mrs Taylor.’
‘May I tell Matron what it’s about, please, Mrs Taylor?’
Maxine hesitated. She didn’t want to discuss the vacancy with anyone but the matron.
‘Who is it, Beth?’ A stocky young girl dressed in a grubby pale blue overall appeared from one of the doorways.
‘The lady’s come to see Matron.’
‘Do you have an appointment?’ the stocky girl asked in a belligerent tone.
‘No, but—’
‘Then you can’t,’ the girl said, a gleam of power in her gaze. ‘Matron never sees anyone without an appointment. It’s the rule. So you can show the lady out, Beth.’
Somewhere near, there was the squeak of a door opening.
‘Just a moment.’ Maxine’s voice was firm. ‘I would like to have the chance to speak to Matron for a few minutes.’
‘What about?’
This girl needed some training in manners, Maxine thought, a prickle of annoyance threatening. She forced her voice to be calm.
‘I’m afraid it’s personal. If you’ll just—’
‘Hilda!’ A young woman appeared in the hall, tendrils of fair hair showing beneath her cap. With hurried steps she approached the little group by the front door.
The woman looked to be only about the same age as herself, Maxine thought. But although she was several inches shorter, she had a quiet voice of authority. Maxine hoped it might be one of the teachers. Whoever she was, it brought the stocky girl instantly to attention.
‘Oh, Matron, I—’
‘That will be all, Hilda. You may carry on.’ She glanced at the maid. ‘And you, too, Beth, thank you both.’ She looked at Maxine with a steady gaze. ‘I believe you’ve come to see me. Would you like to step into my office?’
What a stroke of luck! This sweet-faced young woman, hardly more than a girl, was actually the matron. Maxine briefly wondered how she had been given such a responsible position, yet she seemed to be complete
ly in control.
Once inside her office, the matron gestured towards one of the visitor’s chairs, and Maxine gratefully sat down. ‘First, may I ask your name and address?’ She opened a drawer and took out a notepad.
‘Maxine Taylor. I’m staying with my cousin at the moment in town.’ She gave Pearl’s address.
The young woman made a note and looked up, her eyes alert. ‘I have a feeling you’re here about the position of children’s nurse.’
‘Yes, I am.’ Maxine leaned forward eagerly. ‘I saw it earlier on today in the local paper, and to tell you the truth, I thought it was the answer to my prayers.’ She hesitated. ‘I’m sorry to barge in without an appointment but I was so sure I’d love this job … if you liked me, that is.’
‘You might be the answer to our prayers.’ The young woman smiled, which made her green eyes shine. ‘But let me introduce myself. I’m June Lavender – well, for a little while longer anyway.’ She flushed slightly and held out her left hand, where a beautiful emerald sparkled.
‘Congratulations,’ Maxine said warmly, pushing away the image of her own emerald engagement ring and a stab of guilt that she’d taken it off. ‘It matches your eyes.’ Maxine made herself return June Lavender’s smile.
‘Thank you.’ Miss Lavender gazed at the ring for some seconds as if she couldn’t believe it belonged on her finger. She looked up. ‘Before we talk, may I offer you some tea?’
‘That would be lovely, thank you.’
June Lavender told her a little of the background of Bingham Hall. She explained there were thirty-six children, only eight of them girls, ranging from four to fourteen.
‘We used to have forty-one,’ the young matron explained, ‘but the evacuees, all but one, have gone home – probably too early, in my view, but it must have been hard for the parents.’ She looked at Maxine. ‘You can cope with the usual childhood diseases.’ She made it sound a statement rather than a question.