“Nothing’s going to change how I feel about him,” I vow. “He’s my friend, Blake. I won’t walk away from him unless he walks away first.”
Blake’s eyes search mine. “What about us?”
I draw in a deep breath and say, “You’d have to walk away first, too.”
He reaches for my hand, his eyes brightening at my declaration before they dim with regret. “I want to talk to you about him, but I’m worried it might mess things up.”
“Between us?”
“No, for you and him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy to throw a wrench into any future plans of you messing around with him, but I don’t want anything to damage your friendship,” he grudgingly explains.
The fact that he’s even concerned about my friendship with Nick tells me that Blake still cares about him. “I already told you, it won’t change anything,” I insist.
“It might,” he warns.
“If it’s something that Nick is worried I’m going to find out, let’s just get the awkwardness out of the way so the three of us can move on,” I suggest.
Blake sighs and rubs his forehead, looking torn. “I want to tell you, but it has to come from him. He might see it as a betrayal on my end.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried pressuring you,” I apologize, squeezing his hand to let him know that I’m being sincere. “I just get the impression that you both wish the situation was different, and I want to try to fix it for you.” I give him a look. “I know I can’t, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to try.”
“It’s okay. I really do want to tell you, but out of respect for Nick, I’m going to tell you that it’s best you take your questions to him.”
“I understand.”
His brown eyes peer into mine intently. “Can I ask you something, Fallon?”
“Of course.”
“Does the idea of commitment scare you?”
I’m caught off guard by his question, and I think about it for a moment. “I don’t know. I’ve never considered it before.”
Blake is silent, clearly lost in thought.
“Why?” I ask.
“Just curious.” He straightens in his seat and starts the car. “Let’s go grab something to eat, I’m hungry.”
Seventeen
On Monday, Nick’s waiting for me at my locker when I arrive at school. I’d known that he would likely track me down, but I’m still embarrassed over how I’d tried to seduce him on Saturday. My face warms, and I find myself hesitating in the middle of the hall. What if he’s going to tell me that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore?
Nick’s slate eyes lock on mine, and they narrow when he sees that I’m considering turning around to avoid him. The look he gives me warns that he’s going to be seriously pissed if I do.
I draw together my tattered pride and walk over to him.
“We need to talk,” he says bluntly.
I nod in agreement.
“You work?”
“Yes.”
“Me too. Wait for me if I’m running behind?” he asks questioningly.
“I will.”
He looks like he wants to say more, but he changes his mind. “I’ll see you tonight.” Without saying anything more, he straightens and walks away.
I stare after him, feeling uneasy about our ‘talk’ tonight. There’s a lot about him that’s a mystery, and I’m hoping we’ll still remain friends so that I have a chance to get to know him better. I blow out a sigh and turn to open my locker. If I’m going to keep him in my life, I need to stop reverting back to my old ways. I’m used to sex when I’m around guys, and it’s hard to be around Nick—someone I am extremely attracted to—and stay platonic. Nick can think what he wants about my past and claim that I was never a slut, but the truth is, I slept with anyone that was willing.
Things are strangely different here.
With Nick and Blake in my life, I’m not as desperate or as needy. Nick is slowly teaching me that relationships don’t have to revolve around sex, and Blake is showing me how to let go and simply enjoy life. My time with him is spent focusing on the present or the future, not my past.
After I switch out books in my locker, I head to class. The day seems to fly by, and so does my shift at the candy store.
Before I know it, Nick and I are at the pond, sitting close as we gaze out at the water. He’d left the headlight on, and the night is cool and slightly breezy, but his body heat beside me is enough to ward off the chill.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you the other night,” Nick says in a heavy voice as he starts the conversation.
I wrap my arms around myself and gaze out at the water. “You didn’t,” I lie.
“Bull,” he says softly, and I can sense his eyes on me now. “Look, I was harsher than I intended, but I really wanted you out of there before he could see you.”
My attention turns back to him, and I try to read his expression, but the headlight only shines on half his face. “Why?”
“All you need to know is that he’s a bad man, and it’s best if you never meet him.”
“Okay,” I say quietly, not wanting to pry. “Um, I’m sorry about kinda jumping you. Between the alcohol and my attraction to you, it was kind of hard to resist.” I hurriedly continue, “I get that you don’t want me the way I want you, and I’ll work harder on controlling myself.”
“Fallon, I want you just as much as you want me,” he says calmly. “The reason I put a stop to things is because I don’t want you that way.”
“What do you mean?”
He looks out over the pond once more. “When I look at you, I don’t see casual sex. I see more, and I want more.”
My eyes widen over what he’s just revealed.
Nick looks at me, catching sight of my expression. “Do you understand now why we can’t? You’re with Blake, and you can’t have anything more with me if you’re sleeping with him. I don’t want to just be someone to screw, Fallon.”
I’m still staring, and I blink as his words sink in. He wants more? Like more-more?
Nick continues talking, and I listen attentively as he speaks. “I think Blake really likes you, and I don’t want to come between that. I think friendship is about the only thing that makes sense at this point. That’s all we can be to each other.”
“Wait, I’m still stuck on ‘more.’ What do you mean by more?”
His eyes hold mine. “I want to be your friend, your boyfriend, the guy that you want to spend your time with.”
“Boyfriend…” I echo, testing the word out loud.
His lips quirks. “Is it that hard for you to believe?”
“Are you forgetting who you’re talking to?” I manage to ask.
“Right.” He sobers. “Fallon, you deserve so much more. I wish you could see that.”
He’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted. He actually cares about me. “What if I want that too?” I dare to ask.
“Do you want it bad enough to quit seeing Blake?” he asks deliberately.
My chest automatically tightens with alarm. End things with Blake? I ache just at the thought.
Nick gives me a look of disappointment. “That’s what I figured.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, wishing I could somehow find a way to have Nick in the way that I want so badly without having to give up Blake. “What happened between you two?” I ask, thinking of the conversation I’d had with Blake yesterday.
My question has him looking at me sharply. “Did Blake mention something to you?”
I quickly shake my head. “I can tell by the way he talks about you that you two were once close. You also just said that you didn’t want to come between me and Blake. I think you guys still care about each other.”
Nick doesn’t deny it.
“What happened? Why can’t it be fixed?”
He scrubs his hands over his face, avoiding my gaze. “I don’t want you to look at me differently. It ruined my friendship with him, and it mi
ght change your opinion of me.”
“Why would I see you in a different way?”
“Because Blake looks at me differently now,” he states grimly.
I reach out and touch his arm, urging him to look at me. “No matter what you did, I won’t look at you in any other way than I am right now. I promise, Nick.”
He looks at me, his lips twisting. “You should probably know anyway. That way it’ll kill all that sexual attraction you feel for me.”
“Nick, what in the world are you talking about?”
“I kissed Blake,” he announces flatly.
I stare at him, letting it sink in. “You kissed him?” I ask slowly, wanting to make certain that I’d heard him correctly.
“We’d been drinking and…I couldn’t resist. Blake freaked and bolted. We haven’t talked since,” Nick says, refusing to look at me as he stares straight ahead.
“So…you’re into guys and girls?” I ask, trying to wrap my head around this news.
“I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I’m very much into girls, and I haven’t felt any attraction to any other guys except for Blake.”
“Did you like it when you kissed him?”
He clears his throat awkwardly. “Yes.”
I think over what he’s just told me, and I find that it doesn’t bother me. “So you’re bi-curious,” I murmur.
Nick’s eyes swing back to me. “You’re not bothered that I kissed a guy and liked it?”
“No,” I say firmly as I hold his gaze.
He studies me. “You’re really not, are you?”
I shake my head. “I’m pretty open when it comes to sex, you’ve probably figured that out by now.”
“Have you ever thought about experimenting?”
“Not really. Does it mean I won’t ever? No. I suppose it would depend on the situation.” I flash him a grin. “And Nick, I’d still screw you in a heartbeat; you’re still as attractive to me as you were before I knew.”
The smile that curves his lips is one of relief. “Good to know.” He turns serious. “Besides Blake, you’re the only other person I’ve told.”
“Have you felt an attraction to any guys since you kissed him?” I ask with interest.
“No. I think it has to do with how close we were.”
“Did Blake kiss you back?”
“He did at first, and then he pushed me away and left, walking out of my life permanently,” he says, his voice full of regret.
I wonder if Blake might possibly be attracted to Nick too, only it scares him, and he can’t handle the idea of it.
“I should have known the kiss wouldn’t faze you,” Nick comments.
“Not at all,” I confirm.
“It just makes me want you all the more,” he confesses.
I squeeze his arm. “We can, you know. Nick, I like you both, very much. I can give you everything you want without Blake coming between us. You both are important to me in different ways.”
“You can’t commit to me if you’re seeing him.”
“But why does what I do with him matter? It doesn’t affect our time together,” I point out. “We can continue on as we are, except things will be different because we’ll be having sex, too.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t share you like that.”
There’s nothing more I can say that’ll change his mind. I know it’s probably selfish to want them both, but I can’t help how I feel.
“We’re better off as friends,” Nick says with a hint of finality in his tone.
“How am I supposed to ignore that you want me?”
“The same way I’m going to ignore that you want me back.”
~*~
My conversation with Nick is still rolling around in my head the following morning. I want everything he wants, but I don’t want to give up Blake for it. I know I am being completely selfish by wanting them both, but in reality, that’s exactly what we’ve been doing anyway. I’ve been dividing my time between them, and the other has still known about it.
I mean, what about the cheaters that cheat on their girlfriends or wives? They’re carrying on two relationships at once, can’t I do the same except without the deceit? Since Blake and Nick would know about each other, it wouldn’t technically be cheating. I just can’t imagine cutting one of them out of my life so I can be with the other.
After my first class of the day, I find Blake waiting for me at my locker, and I come up short. What is he doing? What does he have to say that he couldn’t have said earlier in his car? We both had agreed that we wouldn’t go public with our relationship.
I look around the busy hall and tentatively walk over. “What are you doing?” I ask, keeping my voice low so that no one can overhear our conversation.
His body language is calm, and he doesn’t seem to care that we are drawing unwanted attention from the other students. “I don’t want to hide how I feel about you.”
I feel my face go slack, and I quickly snap my mouth shut, giving him a look. “Isn’t this something that should have been discussed on the way to school?”
“Here is fine,” he says simply.
“Blake, your parents…”
“Don’t you get it?” he cuts in as his eye flare with emotion. “I don’t care anymore. I’m not ashamed to be seen with you, Fallon. I want you in my life, and I’m sick of hiding and sneaking around. Let’s not deny what is developing between us. I want you to be mine.”
My heart should be bursting with happiness over his confession, but instead, a hint of dread is unfurling in my stomach. Blake wants what Nick wants: me. Things are changing, and I don’t know what to do about it. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d be in this kind of predicament. I have two guys wanting me to commit to them. I never thought that it would be possible to even have one guy seriously interested in me, let alone two.
Blake steps closer, his eyes earnest. “I want you to be my girlfriend. I want everyone to know that you’re no longer available, and neither am I.”
I tear my gaze away from his and look around uneasily, noticing that we’ve gained quite a few interested looks. “Blake,” I say lowly, “I don’t fit into your world. Can’t we just be happy with what we have?”
“I don’t want you to fit into my world. Hell, I’d like to run from it if I could,” he says under his breath, his lips flattening.
“Can we talk later? In private?”
He gives me an unwavering look. “I said I’m done hiding.”
“And you’ve completely blindsided me!” I hiss back.
His jaw clenches. “I thought you’d be happy about this.”
“Things are…complicated right now.”
Comprehension flares in his gaze, and his expression tightens. “This has to do with Nick.”
“I need some time to think, Blake.”
He looks disappointed as his eyes move away from mine, and then they promptly sharpen when he spies someone further down the hall. I follow his gaze and see Nick, and even though he has his head tilted down as he walks, he’s still tall enough for us to see the bruising on his jaw, and his split lip.
Blake curses under his breath.
I push away from my locker and hurry towards Nick. When he sees me coming, he tries to turn away in the opposite direction, but Blake suddenly pushes past me. He manages to grab Nick’s arm and forcibly pull him out of the hallway traffic. I quickly follow and see Nick trying to hide a grimace of pain. There’s a hint of dark purple around his left eye, and my heart skips a beat when I realize someone had beaten him last night.
Blake releases Nick’s arm. “You have to get out,” he says flatly.
A muscle begins to tic in Nick’s jaw as he gazes back at Blake, his eyes coolly detached, not a hint of warmth in their depths. “It’s no longer any of your concern, remember?”
“I don’t have to be your friend to worry about you. One of these days, he’s going to go too far,” Blake warns.
“Guess I’ll worry
about that when it happens.” Nick’s eyes slide to me, and his jaw clenches before he abruptly turns, brushing past us and walking away.
I instinctively try to follow, but Blake gently catches my arm, halting me. “Don’t,” he says in a heavy voice. “Nick’s pissed he even has to be seen looking the way that he does. If you chase after him acting all concerned, it’s going to make him madder, and he’ll resent you for it.”
Nick is now out of sight, and I turn to Blake. “Who did that to him?” I demand.
Blake looks troubled as his lips turn down in the corners. “His dad.”
My heart sinks. “Does this happen a lot?”
“Unfortunately, yes.”
I’d known that Nick’s home life probably wasn’t all that great, but I’d been hoping that a drunk father was the worst of it. Blake seems to know Nick better than I do, so I ask, “What do I do? I don’t want to make the situation worse.”
“Treat him like you usually do,” he says in a neutral tone. “If you make a big deal out of it, he’ll shut you out.”
“Okay.”
Blake hesitates. “Fallon, we need to finish our conversation. Can we talk tonight?”
I shake my head. “I work and so does Nick. He’ll be giving me a ride home, and that’s the perfect opportunity to talk to him.”
Blake falters, looking wounded. “Right,” he says, clearing his throat as he tries to cover up his disappointment. “Pick you up in the morning?”
I reach out and touch his arm. “I do want what you want, but things are such a mess right now.”
“You mean the mess is Nick,” he corrects dryly.
My silence is his answer.
“We’ll talk tomorrow.” Blake turns and walks away.
Feeling disappointed with how the morning is turning out, I walk back to my locker to finish grabbing my books.
During lunch, my first instinct is to track down Nick, but Blake’s warning echoes in my head. Deciding it might be wise to give Nick his space, I follow my usual routine and go to the library.
Shameless (Loving Fallon Book 1) Page 17