by Cameron Jace
How ironic. The cuckoo in my head says. You won’t give up on Woo, and Leo won’t give up on you. That’s a hell of a triangle. Who do you think Woo won’t give up on?
“Bravo!” Flam yells. “ More. More. More,” Flam never gets enough. He believes that there is always more, there is always better.
I am worried that if Flam keeps asking for more I could see Leo fully naked in a couple of steps. Not that I wouldn’t really like that, but nah, not now.
“Don’t listen to him,” I say to Leo, panting. “What we’re doing is enough. You dancing shirtless will drive the girls crazy already.”
“How do you like my six pack?” Leo whispers as we stretch our arms together in the dance, cheek to cheek again.
“It’s a four pack. How many time do I have to tell you?” I say, stiffening my muscles to show him that I am strong.
“It’s your turn, Decca,” Flam says. “Your turn.”
What is Flam asking for? I am not going to take off anything. Crazy boys.
“You don’t have to take off your clothes,” Flam says. “Just show him.”
“Show him what?” I shout against the music as Leo keeps his moves firm and steady.
“Show him you.”
“Show him me?”
“Show him what you are made of,” Flam claws his hands. The veins on his neck are visible. The enthusiasm in his eyes makes me want to break vases with a baseball bat and smile. “This is what the dance is about. He took off his shirt to brag with his body language. He’s being vulnerable doing this, but he is also showing you what he is made of. Do something in return. Show him that you’re strong. That you’re a Ten. Show him what you’re made of.”
Flam’s words send fire through my soul. His French accent makes me go weak. I feel like birds are circling my head. A beautiful dizziness. A healthy kind of letting go and becoming whoever you are. I push Leo back, staring into his eyes, craning my head up at him with a sneer. Then I do something crazy. I rip off my top – it’s amusing how branded clothes rip off that easy. I am wearing a sports bra underneath. Ripping the shirt felt good. I needed this. I needed to do something crazy and impulsive – as long as I am not naked – and glare at someone. This time it’s Leo.
“You want to know what I am made of?” I shout over the loud music. “I am made of scars.” I dance on my own, pointing at Carnivore’s scar on my arm, then at the smaller wounds I got from performing the episodes. Those wounds I was numb to. How can a seventeen-year-old have as many scars like me?
“Amazing!” Flam screams. “This show will drive Faya crazy!”
Leo stands still, looking puzzled. Even if this is a performance, he understands that part of it feels real to me, being a Ten and not knowing what I want, or who I really am. Partly, because neither he nor Woo are willing to tell me why I am so special.
The dance ends with me letting out a long breath and a smirk on Leo’s face. He likes me more when I am feisty.
After the dance, Leo brings me a jar on my way out.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“Look inside.” He smiles.
When I do, I see Honeybee inside. My face lights up, and I pull the jar away from him and hug it.
“You’re welcome.” He muses.
“Did you keep her the whole year?”
“Yes. She is my girlfriend. All sweet and honey,” He teases. “I keep her along with a couple of buzzers and the iAm receptor I removed from your brain, but I don’t think you want those.”
“Thank you so much, Leo.” I tiptoe and kiss him on the cheek. I can see him close his eyes when I do. God, how I hate to see him so sensitive and romantic. Why do I still want to see him smeared in blood and shooting people? There is something definitely wrong with me.
On my way out, I ask him again why he has changed so drastically since the games. How come he isn’t that deadly fighter anymore?
“I know the answer you’re looking for,” He says. “You want me to say that I was a Nine and wasn’t originally a Monster. You want me to say that I lived a good life before the Monster Show. That I don’t know what it means to want to fit in or being bullied, having no friends, or feeling like a big burden to your family. You want me to tell you all the things that make you feel that you are closer to Woo than you’re to me because you think you two are made from the same fabric of souls, but you’re wrong, Decca. This isn’t why I changed.”
“Then why did you become this new Leo who doesn’t even want to squash an insect on the floor?”
“Because I met you.” He says, plain and simple. “I met someone who I removed word want to spend my life with. Someone who made me want to stop fighting and killing. I want peace, Decca, and I can find it with you.”
“Wow,” I shrug. “I should have caught that on my iAm’s camera and put it on Youtube. Every girl in Faya will envy me now.” I know, I’m being super mean, but it’s my way not to fall into his arms right now.
“Every girl in Faya already envies you,” He says. “You’re just dumb enough to push me away.”
“You know what, Leo? I could really rethink everything if you just tell me what you know about me. Why am I so special?” I dare his eyes.
“You still don’t believe me. I don’t know. Woo is the one who knows. He is the leader of the Monsters, the only one left from the Breakfast Club, and the one who started this revolution. I was just a boy who joined the Breakfast Club to rebel against the Summit. He was my boss and didn’t tell me much. I know it sounds like I should know because I am older than him, but it didn’t work that way. I was lost and it seemed Woo knew the way to the light – which, in my opinion, was a lie. He is just lost like the rest of us. One day, he told me to go and protect you in the show. I didn’t even meet him face to face then because I knew he lived in the Playa and I was hiding in Faya. We made contact through the secret messages sent through the online games, which people like Vern think are just silly jokes when they are secret codes for the revolution. Did you ever wonder why I played games? That was the reason, to contact Wolf, the leader of the Breakfast Club. Woo sent me an offer to protect you if I wanted to be a member of the Breakfast Club.”
“See?” I tilt my head. “That’s it. You weren’t there for me. I was a mission that got you to be part of this Breakfast club.”
“No, Decca. Don’t think of it that way. Come on, be smart. You think it was so easy to get a message from a leader I didn’t meet and just go risk my life? I did it because…”
“What?” I press on the Honeybee jar.
“When they sent me your photo, something happened to me,” Leo shrugs, and he sounds sincere. “I can’t explain it, but I wanted you when I saw the photo. I wanted to save you and be with you. It’s like you were my destiny. This little photo of yours blew me away. You and that quirky smile on your face, and that energy that glows behind your eyes.”
I am trying so hard to pretend I didn’t hear that. Leo’s words are music to my ears. Whenever I try to corner him with questions he fires back roses in my face. And God, look at how beautiful he is. This is so irresistible. “Do you really think we’re destined to be together?” I ask him, turn around and walk out of the door before I hear his answer. I know his answer is ‘yes’, but my heart tells me that I am destined to be with Woo. I hate myself so much right now, and I wonder why Leo doesn’t hate me already for my confusion and indecisiveness.
8
The World is Not Enough
After parking my car a mile away, I walk, disguised, through the crowd of fans, and sneak into my mansion through my kitchen’s window. Did I tell you I live in a mansion now? All alone.
Only two giggling Malikas live with me. They cook for me, shop for me, and massage me from time to time. Looking at them, I remember when Woo said I am not one of the Monsters anymore. I am just another Ten, abiding by the rules I used to oppose.
How did I allow myself to have Malikas in my mansion, those cute girls who are vic
tims of Xitler’s genetic manipulation?
The more I think about these things, the more I can hardly breathe.
I hand Honeybee to the Malikas to take care of. Then I turn on my superscreen TV, which is actually the air around me. All I have to do is push an invisible button anywhere and vocalize a pre-programmed number aloud – which in my case is number ten, but you must have guessed that already. The air turns into a flat screen that I can zoom and change its dimensions by just moving with my fingers in the air.
Almost every channel broadcasts an advertisement about me. Well, about the Girl with Golden Eyes. Sometimes, I am not sure we’re the same person.
Decca shoes, dresses, cars, you name it. Everything about me is connected to the holy number: ten. They even link me to the ten commandments, which belonged to some older religion in the Amerikaz. Right here, right now, we all believe in the Burning Man, who manifests himself in the form of the iAm device.
As I switch to foreign channels, I come across news that says a civil war in a Far Eastern country is being broadcast live on TV at the moment, the same way the Monster Show used to. They pay soldiers crazy amounts of money to participate. If they die in the war – which is considered a game at the moment –, their families get highly compensated. The war will not end until there is a winner. Other countries, including Faya, can participate and bet on the winner. Blood is the most common color in all the videos broadcasted.
War broadcasted live on TV? Enough with this insanity, please. I turn the channel.
I come across private channels, where every kid in another country is given a camera once they are sixteen, which becomes their only way of making money. They could tell jokes, make a small home movie, spy on other people, and even worse, they could pose nude. If the audience like the show, they pay using the iAm and the kid makes a living.
I am about to peck out my eyes so I don’t see any of this. Instead, I close my eyes for a moment, trying to disconnect myself from the world, which has become almost impossible these days. Who would have thought that the darkness I am looking at now is so much more peaceful than the world I live in?
Suddenly, a thought hits me. What is Faya going to do about the spreading disease of televised wars and kids? I hope the Summit won’t do anything crazy to top the other countries selling TV shows. After all, this is what Faya – and previously the Amerikaz – is all about: We always want to be the winners, no matter what the price.
Something crazy makes me put on the DVD of 10th Monster Show. When I reach the part where Woodsy declares his love to Pepper, I turn it off, fighting the tears in my eyes. It’s by far the loveliest moment I had all year long.
I put on Alice in Wonderland, enjoying a drink on my super-comfy couch. I love this movie. According to Leo, it’s one of the few things that survived without being altered. The part about the Rabbit Hole always reminds me of Woo. Is there really a Rabbit Hole in Faya? One that can save the Monsters and leads us to Wonderland? Or is it that we are in Wonderland, and the Rabbit Hole will bring us back to real life? I used to think that the Rabbit Hole was a way to escape the Playa back to the city, but it turns out it’s a way to escape Faya to the Wastelands, or whatever lies out there. Woo said that in order to make the revolution successful we will have to find the Rabbit Hole and pass to the other side where the other members of the Breakfast Club can help us. If only Woo would tell us more about what he knows, and what my place is in all that is?
I keep watching the movie. When Alice asks, ‘Who in the world am I?’ I can’t help the tears anymore. I turn off the TV and head to my bedroom.
My humongous room is stuffed with the largest wardrobe in the world. I have over two hundred dresses, fifty pairs of shoes, and an infinite number of pink somethings here and there. But I rarely use any of it. I don’t have friends to enjoy these things with. Hell, I don’t even have a family.
I go into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror.
“Are you going to spend the rest of your life whining or what?” I talk to myself until the vapor of the hot water from the bathtub blurs the mirror, and I disappear behind it.
Sometimes, it feels better to take a break from yourself.
Relaxing in the bathtub, I feel a little better. The warmth of the water and the vanilla aroma helps me release the tension in my muscles.
I remember the Pain Feelers I saw in Dave’s clinic. Maybe I should get me one of those when they are put out on the market. That way I get someone else to feel my pain for me through some dog or animal. But like Dave said, who do you think will volunteer to feel your pain for you? Is that even possible?
Feeling alone in this world isn’t the worst thing. It’s that I feel alone when I could put the Clarine fluid on any moment now and let the world see through my eyes. I know how happy people will be if I do this right now, giving them a chance to peek into my life – that would be better than the fake nude pics they post of me on the internet. What kind of life is this that I am living?
I go back to bed and prepare to cry myself to sleep. When you’re a baby you wet your bed with pee pee. When you’re older you wet it with your tears. The difference is everyone minds the pee, but somehow tears are ok.
I am losing it. Really losing it. Should I just turn on my eyes and let the world share my moment so I don’t feel alone?
The problem is that, even with the world by my side, I still feel lonely.
Why?
Ironically, the world is not enough.
I let myself sink into my bed sheets and drown in my dreams. As I close my eyes, I have a feeling that all of this was just the beginning.
9
Happy
I wake up in my bed to the annoying buzzing of my iAm. It’s Faustina. Hesitating before I pick up, I hope she’s not calling me for another endorsement. I let the sun splay onto my face from the skylight above my bed, wishing for a better day. Did I mention I have a skylight above my gigantic waterbed?
“I hope this is important,” I yawn into the iAm. “I was planning to sleep my day away. Play princess-locked-in-my-own-mansion, maybe.”
“I am afraid it’s rather whacky news,” Faustina says. She sounds worried.
“Oh, did Leo pose nude on a billboard, making the girls of Faya faint?”
Hesitantly, Faustina laughs.
“Did Vern find a girlfriend?”
“Of course, not.”
“Did Woo stop looking for the Rabbit Hole?”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Maybe Bellona changed her pink hair to blue?”
“Stop it, Decca. This is serious. Xitler wants to see you.”
“Oh,” I stretch out in bed, glancing over at Honeybee buzzing in the jar. “Let me guess, I didn’t suffer enough in the last episode, so he is not happy with me.”
“I have no idea, but he rarely asks to see you in person. You have to go and meet him in his Royal Tower.”
“OK,” I hang up but then the iAm rings again. It’s the Tweety Bird ringtone, which means it’s Vern. “Yup?” I pick up.
“Wow,” Vern says. “Someone is feeling good today.”
“I am meeting Xitler in a while so I have to lift up my spirits so I can bear his disgusting face. So what’s up, thumbfighter?” I yawn again.
“You won’t believe it, Decca. I found her.” Vern says enthusiastically.
“You found who?”
“My girlfriend.”
“That’s totally awesome, Vern. I have to meet her. What’s her name?”
“Hmm,” Vern hesitates.
“You don’t know her name?”
“Actually, I haven’t talked to her yet.”
“Oh,”
“That’s why you have to come over, Decca. I need you to introduce me to her.”
“Vern, I really have other things to do. You know it’s perfectly normal to go to a girl.”
“Yes, but not one I am already in love with.”
“In love? You haven’t talked to her.”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s totally her. I know it’s her.”
“Wow,” I sit up in my bed. “Haven’t heard you being sure about something for a while.”
“That’s because she’s the one. You hear me. I am looking at her now. She is the one.”
“Where are you?”
“In a music store, she’s listening to some songs. Wait. I think her name is Happy?”
“Come again?”
“I know it’s crazy right? This boy just called her Happy. I have to tell you she’s been laughing since I first saw her. That’s when I fell in love with her.”
“Stop it, Vern. You fell in love with seven previous girls who you’ve only seen and never talked to. And you usually end up with a slap on your face.”
“Please, Decca. Come over. The store in on your way to the Royal Tower. I need to talk to her.”
“I can’t come over,” I say. “But I’ll tell you what? I’ll guide you to talk to her while I am with you on the iAm.”
“Talk to her?” Vern wonders. “Alone?”
“Of course, alone. You can do it, Vern.”
“I‘ve never approached a girl I don’t know alone.”
“What did you do, invite your friends along? Be a man.” I try to sound firm with him.
“Wh—what should I say?”
“Say anything. Ask her name. Ask her about the game she is checking. Just say hi.”
“I want to ask her about a bracelet she is wearing.” Vern comments.
“Awesome. Do it.”
“Ok,” Vern says, then his voice disappears. I wait for a while to hear how it goes, but I don’t hear anyone walking.
“Vern? Are you there?”
“Yes.”
“What happened? I couldn’t hear what you guys said.”
“That’s because I didn’t say anything. I am still nailed to the floor where I stand. I couldn’t approach her. Another boy did.”
“OK? Is she still talking to him?”