“You’d better believe it.”
I was fiddling with a button on his shirt.
“I thought about you all day long.”
I looked up at him and he held my gaze. It was up to me to decide how far we would go. That was the moment I asked my brain to switch off; my body was taking the lead. I stood on tiptoe.
“I trust you,” I said, pressing my lips to his.
I kissed him the way I thought I would never kiss anyone again. He grabbed my hips and crushed me against him. I clung onto his shoulders. I felt his hands reaching under my clothes, touching my back, my stomach, my breasts. His caresses made me feel more confident; I pulled his shirt out of his jeans and unbuttoned it. I wanted to feel his skin, feel his warm, living flesh. We only stopped kissing long enough for Edward to take off my T-shirt. We looked at each other. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Then he lay us down on the couch. I gave a sigh of pleasure at the feel of our naked flesh touching, pressing against each other. I felt his beard tickling my neck; he kissed my ear.
“Are you sure?” he whispered.
I looked at him, stroked his hair, smiled, and kissed him. At that very moment, the dog started growling, which was a little unsettling.
“Bed,” Edward ordered.
We both looked in his direction. He was snarling, still growling and staring at the front door. Edward put his fingers against my lips so I wouldn’t say anything. Someone was knocking at the door.
“You should go and see,” I whispered. “It might be important.”
“We’ve got better things to do.”
He pressed his lips to mine while unbuttoning my jeans. I had no desire to stop him.
“Edward, I know you’re in there!” a woman’s voice shouted through the door.
It was an order. Edward closed his eyes and his face hardened. He started to get up but I held him back.
“Who is it?”
“Open the door,” the woman cried impatiently. “I need to speak to you.”
He pulled away and got up. I sat on the couch, covered my breasts with my arms and watched him. He rubbed his face and ruffled his hair, as if he were trying to wake himself up. Then he lit a cigarette and picked his shirt up from the floor.
“What’s going on?” I asked, quietly.
“Get dressed.”
His voice was harsh. Tears in my eyes, I went to find my T-shirt and bra. As soon as I was dressed, he went to the front door without even looking at me. He shoved Postman Pat out of the way so he could get by. The dog came and hid against my legs. Edward grabbed the doorknob so hard that his veins stood out. Then he opened it. The entrance was hidden by his body, but I could hear everything.
“Megan,” he said.
“My God, I’m so happy to see you. I’ve missed you so much.”
She threw her arms around his neck. This was some kind of bad joke. I coughed; I couldn’t help myself. Edward’s body tensed. The woman raised her eyes, saw me, pulled away from him, and moved back.
She was gorgeous, slender, with a good figure, and looking wide-eyed at him. Long black hair flowed down her back. Her demeanor and bearing were very feminine, and very studied. Her features were arrogant, and she reeked of self-confidence. She looked back and forth at us. Edward had turned towards me, his eyes blank. He seemed to be somewhere else, somewhere hellish. She ran her fingers through his hair. He didn’t react.
“I see I got here just in time,” she said.
Then she walked over to me.
“Whoever you are, it’s time to leave us alone.”
I paid no attention to her; I walked over to Edward. I tried to take his hand but he pulled away.
“Say something. Who is this?”
He stared into space and sighed.
“I’m his wife,” she said, putting her arm through his.
“Megan,” Edward cut in sharply.
“I’m sorry, my love, I know.”
“What the hell is going on?” I said angrily.
For the first time since the woman had arrived, Edward looked into my eyes. He was cold and distant; he wasn’t the same man any more. He was even more frightening than when I first got to Mulranny. I recoiled in pain. At that moment, I glanced over at the mantle and saw the photo. I understood. The woman on the beach was not no one. What a fool I’d been. He’d really taken me for a ride. I picked up my bag and jacket and walked out of the cottage without bothering to close the door or look back.
I had to stop on the way home to throw up. Once inside, I took a long shower to scrub myself clean of any trace of that bastard from my body. I’d been that close to sleeping with a married man. It hadn’t even occurred to me to ask him if there was anyone else. I’d simply assumed that if he wanted to be with me, it meant he was free. In fact, I was just a stand-in. What would Colin think from where he was? All it had taken was two or three smiles and a romantic weekend for me to be willing to spread my legs. I was disgusted with myself.
Impossible to fall asleep, so I sat down in front of my bedroom window, in the dark, folded my legs under me, and rocked backed and forth. I finally fell asleep and had terrible dreams all night long. Edward’s and Colin’s faces merged in my dreams, conspiring against me.
I hadn’t left the house in three days. I couldn’t sleep at all any more and kept going over and over the past few weeks I’d spent with Edward. I wanted to figure out exactly what had gone wrong, exactly when I’d decided to close my eyes and ears about the main topic: Mrs. Edward.
I’d forced myself to go and do the shopping and had managed to go unrecognized at the grocery store. I was closing the trunk of my car.
“Diane?”
I recognized Jack’s voice. My body drooped; I put on a false smile and turned around.
“So how’s our little Frenchwoman? It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you.”
“Hello, Jack. I’m fine, thanks.”
“Follow me back home, Abby would love to see you.”
And she was. As soon as I went inside, she threw her arms around my neck. The warmth they showed me cooled my anger. I felt comfortable with them, so I answered their gentle questions and soon found myself talking about Clara.
“Do you think you’ll go back to France one day?” Abby cut in.
“I haven’t thought about that yet.”
“Don’t you want to pick up the life you had back there?”
“Do you need the cottage?”
“No.”
They couldn’t fool me. They were lying. There it was: the Frenchwoman was getting in the way and should make way for Edward’s wife. The front door opened and closed. I froze.
“You’ve turned completely white all of a sudden. Aren’t you feeling well?”
“I’m just suddenly feeling tired, nothing serious; I’ll go home now.”
“Ask Edward to take you back.”
“Definitely not,” I said, my voice rising. “I’ll be fine.”
I hurriedly stood up and picked up my things.
“See you soon,” I called before running towards the door.
I passed Edward in the hallway. I couldn’t look at him. He didn’t try to speak to me. I locked myself in my car and collapsed over the steering wheel. I was afraid, afraid of him and afraid of my reaction.
I was sitting in front of my bay window and saw Edward walking along the beach with his dog. I knew I’d have to confront him at some point; I needed an explanation. I wanted proof that I hadn’t imagined it all.
A trip to the bathroom was required. Out of the question to give him the satisfaction of seeing me look a wreck. I took particular care in choosing my clothes and putting on make-up to hide my nights of insomnia.
Impossible to back out now; I’d just knocked on his door and I could hear Postman Pat barking. It seemed an eternity until he answered: my hands were cold, I was shivering, and there was a knot in my stomach. All these symptoms disappeared when Edward opened the door. A feeling of anger rushed through me. I wanted to hit hi
m with all my might, but what really made me furious was my desire to kiss him and fall into his arms. I hadn’t expected to feel those emotions, and the beautiful speech I’d practiced in front of my mirror vanished into thin air.
“What do you want?”
“Hello,” I stammered.
He sighed and ran one hand across his face.
“Hurry up, I have things to do.” I stood up tall, shoulders back, and looked straight at him.
“You owe me an explanation.”
His face was full of surprise, then anger.
“I owe you nothing at all.”
“How can you look at yourself in the mirror?”
He looked at me darkly and slammed the door in my face. One of his old habits.
In spite of the low sky and threatening clouds, I decided to get some fresh air. I walked back and forth along the beach for more than an hour. When I was heading back to my cottage, I saw Postman Pat running towards me. I petted him before continuing on my way. I didn’t want to stay there. A car pulled up in front of Edward’s house. His wife got out just as I was passing. I could feel her watching me.
“So you’re still here, are you?”
I lowered my head and stopped myself from answering her.
“I’m going to see Abby and Jack and make sure that you won’t be bothering us any more.”
While feeling around in my pockets for my cigarettes, I found my car keys. That was what I needed. I wasn’t fast enough.
“Edward,” she called.
“Coming,” I heard him reply.
I slammed the car door and sped away.
For more than two hours, I drove as fast as I could, without a destination or direction. I only slowed down when I got back to the village, but not slow enough to avoid seeing that Megan coming out of Jack and Abby’s. She was at home everywhere. I’d thought that Mulranny would finally heal me, but instead this place was going to put me in my grave.
Judith had forgotten about me, too. She hadn’t told me she was coming. And she’d been talking to Megan on the beach for an hour. When I saw her heading to my place, I quickly grabbed my bag and keys and went out.
“Diane,” she called.
“I don’t have time.”
“What’s going on with you?”
“None of your business.”
“Wait,” she said, grabbing hold of my arm.
“Let go of me.”
I pulled free, got into my car and drove off.
I got to Mulranny after wandering along the roads for quite a long time. Since they were all at Abby and Jack’s, I’d have the pub to myself. I pushed open the door, intending to get really drunk. I climbed onto a bar stool and ordered the first of many drinks to come. Ireland was going to turn me into an alcoholic.
Over the next few hours, ordering drink after drink, I went from laughing to crying. My head on the bar, I stared at the row of empty glasses. I wanted to go outside for a smoke, but fell.
Instead of crashing down onto the floor, I collapsed against someone.
“Thanks,” I said to the guy who’d caught me. I’d never seen him around before.
“You’re welcome. Can I offer you a cigarette?”
“You’re a sly one!”
I walked towards the terrace, gesturing him to follow me. In spite of the fog in my head, I knew he was looking me up and down. Let him enjoy himself, I couldn’t care less, after everything I’d gone through, it didn’t matter. I went into “dumb blond” mode. I laughed like a silly fool at the jokes he told me, even though I didn’t understand a word. He didn’t waste any time. He put his arm around my waist to walk me back to the bar. He was staring at my cleavage. I glanced up at him; not bad. After all, one Irishman was as good as another. He might be just what I needed to exorcise Edward. I gave him an inviting look and suggested he have a drink with me. He didn’t hesitate to accept.
“Can you bring us another round?” I mumbled to the barman.
“Diane, you have to stop now.”
“No, brings us some drinks, I’m paying. And I have a right to have a good time!”
I threw some coins on the counter. Another drink appeared. I gulped it down and everything went blank.
I was completely out of it but I could hear voices shouting around me.
“Get away from her!”
That voice . . . I would have recognized it anywhere. Edward. Who was he shouting about like that? I opened my eyes and saw him grab the guy by his shirt collar. He said something I could barely make out.
“Wait a minute. She’s the one who’s been coming on to me,” he said, pointing at me.
Edward’s fist flew; the guy ended up on the ground. Getting shakily to his feet, he didn’t hang around for more; he made a beeline for the exit.
“Oh . . . what have I done?” I said.
“It’s what you nearly did that’s interesting,” Judith replied. I hadn’t noticed her before.
“Screw you.”
With those fine words, I tried to turn on my heels but it was my head that was turning, and the room was spinning dangerously.
“Hey big brother, she’s trying to take off,” Judith called to Edward. “Wait, Diane, we’ll take you home.”
“Leave me the hell alone; I can go home by myself. And keep your nose out of my business!”
I stopped. It was now or never if I wanted to make him understand what I was thinking. I tried to focus because I had not one, but two Edwards standing in front of me.
“Listen to me and listen good,” I shouted. “You have no right interfering in my life. You lost that right the other night. I can sleep with whoever I . . .”
“Be quiet,” he ordered. “You’ve already made enough of a fool of yourself.”
Before I had time to reply, he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder like a sack. I beat his back with my fists and struggled.
“Put me down, you shithead.”
He tightened his grip and went out to the parking lot. Without a single word, he put me in his car. I blacked out.
I woke up in my own bed. Someone had undressed me.
“You’re going to have some hangover,” Judith said.
“Leave me the hell alone.”
“Not a chance.”
She pulled the covers over me before leaving.
A few minutes later, I could hear more footsteps. I opened my eyes. Edward put a glass of water on my night table and stroked my forehead.
“Don’t touch me.”
I tried to sit up.
“Lie down.”
Edward gently pushed me down. I was incapable of fighting him.
“This is all your fault,” I said, tears rising. “You’re nothing but a dirty bastard.”
“I know.”
I hid under the covers. I heard him rush down the stairs. Then the front door slammed.
My whole body ached. Every step I took reverberated in my head. When I got to the bathroom, I had to hold onto the sink. I was horrified by how I looked in the mirror. My face was swollen, my mascara had run under my eyes, and my hair looked like a crow’s nest. I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t dare look at my wedding ring, let alone touch it. I brushed my teeth several times to try to get rid of the taste of alcohol encrusted in my mouth. One thing was sure: I was going to stop drinking.
Judith was sitting on my couch, leafing through a magazine.
“What are you still doing here?”
“Why are you so angry?”
“You win! I’m going to clear off from your shitty hellhole. You’re all crazy.”
“What are you talking about?”
“All of you have been laughing at me ever since I got here.”
“What? We were all worried about you last night.”
“You don’t say.”
I raised my eyes to heaven. Judith went into the kitchen while I flopped down into an armchair.
She came back five minutes later holding a tray.
“You eat and then we’ll t
alk.”
I ate my breakfast while crying. I drank my coffee and Judith refilled my cup. Then she lit a cigarette and handed it to me.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” I asked.
“That’s not the reason you were so pathetic last night though, was it?”
“You were the last straw. I mean, in a manner of speaking. It seems I didn’t need a straw, did I? Was I really that pathetic?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
She raised an eyebrow; I held my head in my hands.
“Tell me what’s going on. Every since I got here, I feel like I’m in a living nightmare. The slut is back, Edward is beating up any guy who goes near you, and you’re acting like a bitch in heat at the pub.”
I was still holding my head in my hands; I peeked through my fingers to look at her.
“What slut?”
“Megan. Who else?”
“You call your brother’s wife a slut?”
“Where on earth did you get the idea she’s his wife? I think I’d know if my brother was married!”
“Well, that’s how she introduced herself, and he didn’t deny it.”
“What a jerk.” She raised an eyebrow. “Wait a minute . . . there’s something I don’t get. You were there when she showed up at his place late that night?”
“Yes,” I replied, lowering my eyes.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“We didn’t get a chance.”
“Shit! That bitch has some kind of radar. And Edward has no balls.”
She stood up and started pacing back and forth. She was making me dizzy. I lit another cigarette and went to look out the window. I saw Edward on the beach, in the distance. I leaned my forehead against the cold glass.
“Diane.”
“What?”
“Do you love him?”
I paused, my heart racing. “I think so . . . something is pushing me towards him. When we were alone together, I felt good . . . but that doesn’t change anything; even if they’re not married, they’re together.”
“No, you’re wrong.”
Judith crashed down on the couch, lit a cigarette, screwed up her eyes, and looked at me.
“If he finds out that I told you about it, he’ll kill me. But I don’t give a damn. Sit down.”
Happy People Read and Drink Coffee Page 11