by Kris Jayne
Underneath the coat, Shannon wore a bright blue turtleneck with snowflakes on it. Jeff had seen it before. In fact, it had been a gift. From him. How long ago was it? Maybe eight or nine years ago. Of all the things from him to hang onto, that cheap sweater was the oddest thing.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Shannon tugged on the hem of her sweater. It didn’t exactly fit. She was heavier than she’d been in her twenties. She caught Jeff staring at her top. Bingo. He remembered.
She’d finally gotten around to unpacking some of the boxes Kid had brought from Mineola. Going through her winter clothes, she’d found the sweater buried at the bottom and tried it on. It fit well enough, even though it was a little tight. That might even be a positive.
“I like the snowflakes on your sweater,” Olivia said. Double bingo.
“Thanks. I haven’t worn it in a while.” Shannon glanced at Jeff. His eyes narrowed. “With this weather, I’m having to dig deep in my closet.”
“Let’s sit at the kitchen table,” Jeff proposed.
Shannon followed the three of them into the kitchen. On the table, he’d laid out some photo albums. She swallowed. That might be more of a trip down memory lane than she could handle. She hoped that wasn’t his plan for the afternoon.
“Olivia, what grade are you in?”
“First,” Olivia’s eyes wandered over to her father as she answered. Shannon thought she made Olivia nervous, which in turn made her more nervous. She wanted Olivia to have a good first impression of her. Tears threatened to fall down her cheeks again. Maybe the little girl would warm up to her. Maybe Shannon wouldn’t fall apart.
“I remember first grade. I think it was the last grade when I did okay in school. Too bad you had to do more than color in high school,” Shannon commented, not knowing why. What was she saying? “I’m sure you’re one of the best students in your class. Your dad said you were real smart.”
The sympathetic look on Jeff’s face made her shut up. She was babbling. But then the silence felt like an eternity. Her heart pounded wildly, and she felt short of breath.
“Would you like a glass of water, Shannon?” Jeff now looked concerned. Shannon forced her thoughts to slow down and inhaled deeply.
“Yeah, thanks.”
“What was wrong with you?” Olivia asked.
“What?”
“Daddy said you were sick. What was wrong with you?”
Her daughter’s bluntness stopped her breath again. She grasped for the story Jeff had laid out for her.
“I had a lot of problems, Olivia. Big problems. I tried to take care of you when you were born. I remember the first time I saw you. You were all pink and wrinkled. Your fists were all balled up. You looked like a boxer.”
Her throat closed on the words. Shannon gave up and let the tears fall. Only she couldn’t get them to stop. Jeff’s kitchen went blurry, and she silently sobbed.
Why couldn’t she make any noise? All she heard was the clack of heels on the kitchen floor, the clink of ice dropping into a glass, and streaming water. She felt Jeff’s strong hand on hers, and her fingers closed around the chilled, smoothness of a glass.
Desperate to pull herself together, she gulped at the water with her breath coming in fits. She inhaled a burst of the liquid and then expelled a fit of wet coughs. The wave of disaster kept rolling over her. She cursed herself. All she had to do is show up, smile, and be normal, and she couldn’t even do that. Her daughter would think she was crazy. And she was.
How did she think she could meet Olivia and keep it together enough to get what she and Kid needed out of Jeff? Their plan was doomed, and it was her fault. What would Kid do when she failed? He’d kill her. Sometimes she thought he might.
Now, he was counting on a big score. Her relationship with Olivia and Jeff was their lottery ticket. She was fucking it up, and if she didn’t deliver, there’s no telling what Kid would do to her. She knew he’d beat her, but this would be so much worse than forgetting take his clothes out of the washing machine or giving him a warm beer. God, she was done.
“Shannon!”
Through the tears and the gasping, Shannon heard Jeff’s voice over and over.
“Just breathe. Just stop and breathe!”
“Are you okay, Shannon?” The small, high-pitched voice was full of horror. That was her daughter.
Shannon lifted her arm and wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweater. She opened her eyes and saw two pairs of wide eyes looking back. Over Olivia’s shoulder, she saw Taryn’s strained look. If that woman was worried about her, then she must look pathetic.
“Just calm down. Take a deep breath,” Taryn told her.
Shannon breathed a little and had another fit of coughs, but calmed herself after few minutes. “I’m so stupid.”
“We don’t use that word.” Then, Olivia reached up and gave Shannon a hug. More tears fell, but it was okay.
“You alright?” Jeff asked.
“Yeah.”
“You hyperventilated a little, I think.” Jeff patted her on the back.
“She’s going to be fine, Olivia. She got real excited,” Taryn soothed.
“I’ve wanted to see you, Olivia. It’s hard because I know I haven’t been around, and I’ve missed you so much. I’ve got so many things going through my head. There are so many things I want to say to you.”
“You can say them one at a time. When things are hard, Daddy says you go one by one.”
“That’s good advice,” Shannon croaked.
A pounding on the front door resonated from the front hallway.
“That must be the pizza guy. In all the commotion, I forgot I heard the doorbell,” Jeff said.
“No worries. I’ll get it.”
Taryn went to get the pizza. She returned, and everyone else took a seat at the table. Shannon saw Jeff mouth a thank you to Taryn as she kept busy getting plates and glasses. She seemed to know what Jeff needed from her without his saying a word. They fell in sync with ease, something Shannon had never had with Jeff. Jeff and Taryn fit.
Shannon wondered what that would have felt like but squeezed the thoughts from her mind. Enough feeling sorry for herself. She couldn’t break down again. Instead, she focused on Olivia.
Shannon smiled with pride as the girl talked excitedly about her teacher and her friends from school. The drama seemed to have opened Olivia up to her. The little girl had Shannon’s boldness. Whatever Jeff thought of her, he had to admit that Olivia didn’t get that from him. That was Shannon. And it was a good thing.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“What kind of doctor is this again?” Olivia asked from the back seat.
“A doctor for your feelings. When you’re sad or confused or angry, sometimes you need someone to help you not feel bad anymore.”
“I’m not sad or angry, so why am I going to the doctor?”
“Sometimes we all need to talk to someone to help us process our feelings,” Jeff replied. He felt like an idiot. Olivia didn’t understand “processing feelings.” He didn’t even know what that meant.
“Is this about my mom?”
Olivia’s perceptiveness and directness made Jeff smile.
“Yes. Having your mom come back into your life is a big adjustment. I think it will be helpful to talk about how you feel about it. You can talk to me, but with Dr. Baker you might have some things you want to say that you don’t want to say to me, which is okay.”
“I guess.”
Jeff looked in the rearview mirror. His daughter’s head pressed against the glass. She gazed out the window, looking hesitant and a little scared. The look reminded him of Shannon.
Now that his ex had returned, he could see more and more of her in his daughter. He noticed things he hadn’t before, like how both Olivia and Shannon closed their lips into a tight “O” when they were nervous or how their heads tipped back with their eyes closed when they belly laughed. Shannon hadn’t been around, but her mark was there. That made him nervous.
>
He’d never considered that Olivia might grow up to have the same problems that Shannon did. He focused on nurture instead of nature. Jeff thought he could protect his daughter from those problems by giving her stability. More and more, he started to think about the inheritance factor with addiction, depression, and anxiety—all of which plagued Shannon even until today. The thoughts bothered him. He still believed his baby girl to be perfect. And she was.
Thus far, she’d taken the news in stride, accepting that her mother was better and back in her life. Some of the adults were the ones having the trouble. Taryn gained his admiration for the resolute way she pushed forward, trying to get along with Shannon, but it was starting to wear on her.
His mother had seen Shannon a few times when Shannon would come over after Olivia got home from school. She slapped on a polite smile, but Jeff could tell his mom still hoped his ex-wife would disappear. Shannon herself alternated between conciliatory effort and petulance about not having unsupervised visits.
However, today was about Olivia. Just Jeff and his daughter. It had been a couple of years since he’d seen his life that way—he and Liv against the world. As well as she seemed to be dealing, he needed to get a better read on her without Shannon or Taryn. A thread of guilt wove its way through him. Taryn had his back. Ever since their fight, she’d been nothing but supportive even though he knew her opinion of Shannon hadn’t changed.
He pulled up in front of the building, parked, and looked at his watch. They were about ten minutes early.
“Do we have to go in there? I can talk to you if I have problems,” Olivia suggested.
“We do have to go in. I understand it if you’re scared, but trust me, you’ll like Dr. Baker.”
“You know her already?”
“I do. I’ve met with her, and so have Taryn and Shannon.”
“Did you talk about me?”
“We talked about this entire situation and how we can all learn to get used to each other.”
“You were married to Mom before?” Olivia asked.
“I was.”
“That’s weird.”
His daughter did cut to the chase.
“Yeah, it is.”
“Did you love Mom?”
At this point, Jeff was dying to have Dr. Baker’s professional assistance. He needed to get inside. He’d cared for her and loved her in a sense. But had he been in love with her? No. He’d only married Shannon because she was pregnant. He couldn’t say that to Olivia.
Jeff found the only answer he could. “I did love your mother. I always wanted the best for her. I love that she gave me you.”
“And you love Taryn?”
“I do. I love Taryn more than anything in this world except you.”
“Taryn’s a lot different from Mom.”
“Yeah, she is. Let’s go inside. We don’t want to be late.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Taryn glanced at her phone and cursed. As if the whole situation didn’t stress her out enough she was already thirty minutes late. Evening rush hour traffic heading toward the northern suburbs ground along as a snail’s pace. Jeff asked her to be there by six. Shannon would arrive at seven—if she were on time.
A big, happy family dinner. After a few weeks of therapy, that was the plan—sort of. His father—a devout stoic—wouldn’t be the problem, and while Taryn had found the wherewithal to grit her teeth through shows of civility, this was likely too much to hope for with Nora McConnell. She wore her contempt for Shannon as easy as the caftans she enjoyed lounging in on weekends.
Jeff had spent the week admonishing his mother at every turn, “Just don’t say anything to antagonize her.” Part of Taryn’s job was to keep track of her future mother-in-law and redirect her if her tone took a turn.
“Sorry I’m late.” Taryn hustled through the laundry room and into the kitchen from the garage. “I had meetings run late, and then the traffic out of downtown is evil this time of day even when there isn’t an accident on the Tollway.”
“Don’t worry about it. Shannon’s not here yet.”
“Hi, Taryn!” Olivia ran up to her, and Taryn wrapped her arms around her.
“Hey, doll! How was your week?”
“Good. We went to the Peru Museum on Wednesday.”
“I think you mean the Perot Museum, sweetie,” Jeff told her.
“Oh, yeah. Perot. I got to see the dinosaur bones again. It was huge.” Olivia spread her arms wide above her head.
“The dinosaur fossils are your favorite, huh?” Taryn asked.
“Yep, but I liked the lion too. And the bear. Daddy said when it gets warm, we can all go to the zoo.” She turned to her dad. “Do you think my mom could come?”
“We can ask her.”
“When she gets here?” Olivia asked.
Taryn took in the little girl’s enthusiasm, and it twisted in her stomach. Shannon had better not flake out on this child. There was no coming back from having your second shot at being a mom and leaving her behind again. There would be no third strike if Taryn had any say, and she hoped she still would.
“She should be here any minute, peanut. Why don’t you go wash your hands?”
Taryn watched her curly blond head bobble as Olivia scampered out of the room. The evening held little promise for enjoyment, but at least the food looked good. Taryn took a whiff of the buffet spread out on the counter. Jeff had chicken parmesan, pasta with cream sauce, green beans—the only green vegetable Olivia would eat—and salad. He wasn’t using the china he’d inherited from his grandmother, but he was using his “nice” plates. These dishes matched and had serving pieces.
“Did you cook?” Taryn asked him.
Jeff laughed. “No. I stopped at Eatzi’s on my way home and heated everything up.”
“God, for a second, I wondered if you’d been abducted by aliens.”
“He’d have to be to do some actual cooking. Wouldn’t he? Though I swear, that’s not how I raised him.” Jeff’s mom came in from the dining room and gave Taryn a hug. Frank McConnell trailed after Nora, raising his bottle of beer in a hello gesture.
“Why cook when I have so many other options?”
“There’s nothing that replaces a home-cooked meal, Jeff. And it’s not just women’s work,” the older woman admonished. “Frank, I hope you’re going to finish up that beer. I don’t think we’re going to be serving alcohol once Shannon gets here. No sense in tempting the devil.”
“Mom, please promise me you won’t bring any of that up. We’re trying to keep this dinner upbeat.”
“I know. You keep telling me. I’m just reminding your father.”
Frank raised his arms in surrender. “Almost done. I needed a little wind me down before the fireworks.”
“No fireworks, tonight, Mr. McConnell,” Taryn replied with a wry laugh.
She might have normally had a pre-dinner drink, but she vowed to be completely sober for the night. She didn’t need to get loose-lipped and say something she’d regret. Especially since she had information that Shannon didn’t know she had, she needed her observation skills sharp. A glass of “wind me down” would have to wait.
“You and Shannon getting along?” Frank asked Taryn. He sounded so dubious that Taryn laughed again.
“No one’s been stabbed.”
Jeff rubbed Taryn’s shoulder. “It’s going better than that. Taryn has made an effort, and it keeps things positive for Olivia.”
“Well, I applaud you, Taryn,” Nora said. “Jeff, you don’t have to keep acting like I was raised in a barn. I can make nice. I don’t want a scene any more than you do. Quit worrying about me.”
“Thank you, Mom.” Jeff gave the older woman a big hug.
The doorbell rang, and every adult in the house perked up like a prairie dog on alert.
Jeff left to answer the door and came back. Shannon followed behind with her hands plunged deep in the pockets of her thin coat. She said hello to everyone, smiling at Frank and avoiding ey
e contact with Taryn and Nora. Everyone smiled with wide grins pasted on through a conversation that launched with stammers and nervous laughter.
“You’re looking well, Shannon,” Frank said.
“I don’t know about that, Mr. McConnell, but thank you.”
“You always were pretty.” Nora glared intently at her ex-daughter-in-law.
The group stood awkwardly in Jeff’s family room next to the kitchen. Taryn searched for the words to lighten the mood without seeming absurd. She had no commentary on Shannon’s looks. Comparing the pictures she’d seen with the woman in front of her, who was shivering, pale, and thin, she agreed that Shannon had been pretty and disagreed that she looked well. Shannon looked healthier than when she’d first arrived in town, but Frank was quite the diplomat.
“Let me go get Olivia. She’s supposed to be washing her hands.” Escape, Taryn thought. There was an option.
“Great, the food is ready, so why don’t the rest of us go ahead and grab plates and sit in the dining room,” Jeff suggested.
Approaching the guest bath on the first floor, Taryn heard the water running and Olivia talking to herself. Taryn tapped on the door and entered.
“Sweetie, Shannon—your mom—she’s here. You done?”
Taryn examined the splashes of water flung around the sink and on the floor. Olivia stood on a small step stool that allowed her to reach the tall faucet. Water dripped from her fingers. Olivia didn’t say anything. Taryn slipped a towel off the rack, turned the girl around, and dried her hands.
“I heard you talking. What’s up?”
“Daddy said that when you’re nervous you should practice.”
“He told you that before your school play last month.”
“Uh huh.”
“What are you practicing?”
“What I’m going to say to my mom.”