‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Jamie following me.
‘Oh that’s all right darling, I can man–’
I stopped as I caught the expression on my husband’s face. Ah. Clearly I had been wrong about the tension between us being broken. I turned on my heel and went out to the hallway, pausing only to shrug off my coat and sling it over the banister. Jamie did likewise before following me up to the family bathroom. He shut the door, and bolted it for good measure.
‘It’s pointless locking it. I need to get Eddie a fresh romper suit and nappy from his nursery. What’s the matter Jamie? Why are you looking at me like that?’
Jamie unbolted the door. ‘Go on then. Go and fetch Eddie’s stuff. Give him to me while you’re faffing about in his room.’
‘Faffing about? Since when do I faff about?’
‘All the time Cassie,’ said Jamie taking Eddie from me.
‘Well really, there’s no need to be–’
‘Just. Go.’ Jamie gave me a prod.
I went. Jaw rigid. Back stiff. Opening Eddie’s wardrobe, I selected a babygro and cardigan. Sliding out a drawer, I whipped out a vest then plucked a nappy off the overhead shelf. Faff about. As if. Chance would be a fine thing. I’d been far too busy filming his rotten ex-girlfriend up to no good. Faff about indeed. I’d soon have Jamie eating his words when he saw the results of a very productive afternoon. I gathered everything into my arms, and went back out onto the landing. Where was my phone? Ah yes. In my coat pocket, over the banister. I hastened down the stairs.
‘The bathroom is this way Cassie,’ Jamie’s voice floated after me.
‘Yes I know, I’m just–’
‘Faffing. This is exactly what I’m talking about.’
I grabbed my coat and pulled. It shot off the banister dislodging umpteen wax jackets piled on top of it. ‘Why does nobody in this house hang up their coats?’ I howled.
‘Cassie, will you just leave them and get back up here now please. You don’t need your coat to bath Eddie. I want to talk to you.’
‘I’m coming!’ I stomped back up the stairs, arms full, coat trailing in my wake. ‘If you just stopped harassing me for one moment,’ I brushed past Jamie, ‘there’s something I want–’
‘I’ve run Eddie’s bath,’ said Jamie. He grabbed the plastic changing mat propped up against the wall. ‘I’ve spent the bulk of the day with the kids and Matt, taking deep breaths of country air to stop me hyperventilating with anger.’
‘Anger?’
‘Yes, Cassie.’ Jamie laid Eddie down on the changing mat. His fingers deftly attended to the romper suit’s poppers. He looked up at me. ‘Mind telling me what last night was all about? Every time I think about what happened, I squirm with embarrassment.’
‘Oh you do, do you!’ I glared at my husband. ‘In a nutshell, it was Selina’s fault.’
Jamie’s eyes widened. ‘Oh Selina,’ he nodded, ‘yes of course, how silly of me. I should have known that she was entirely responsible for your ridiculous conversation. All that rubbish about Morag show jumping without a horse, and then ordering yourself three desserts. Were you trying to be funny Cassie?’
‘Of course not,’ I could feel myself growing pink with indignation. ‘How do you think I feel, knowing that I passed out in front of Ethan?’
‘So you do remember passing out?’ Jamie balled up Eddie’s romper suit and lobbed it at the laundry basket. ‘You’re sure it wasn’t Selina holding you down on the table and demanding you behave like an incoherent drunk?’
‘How dare you!’ I hissed. ‘That woman spiked my drink!’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake. I’ve heard it all now.’ Irritably, Jamie removed Eddie’s nappy.
‘But it’s true! Why won’t you believe me?’
‘Because,’ Jamie bagged the nappy before scooping Eddie up, ‘you were drinking too much, too quickly, on an empty stomach. Also, there were witnesses that Selina did no such thing. And why the heck would she even want to?’
‘Because Selina hates me!’
‘She doesn’t hate you Cassie.’ Jamie lowered Eddie into his bath seat. ‘The woman wants to befriend you. And has tried to. Repeatedly. You both shook hands on it. Remember?’
‘Selina is clever. Manipulative. She obviously wants to put me in a bad light.’
‘Why?’ Jamie sighed.
‘Revenge. She was adamant I was the other woman and lured you away from her.’
‘Look, this conversation is getting us nowhere.’ Jamie filled a sponge with water and let it trickle over Eddie’s shoulders. ‘What happened between me and Selina is in the past. And she knows that. She’s dotty about Ethan, and with every good reason. The guy is loaded. He keeps her in designer clothes and jewellery. She has a great job working alongside him. Then there’s the big wedding being planned right now as we speak. And you can bet the babies will arrive soon afterwards. Selina is totally loved up.’
‘Oh is she?’ I sneered.
‘Yes. Of course!’
‘Remember how she was telling us all about her friend Laura? The one who she spent the night with after Stevie dropped her home?’
‘Yes. What about it?’
‘Laura might well exist, but she didn’t keep Selina company while Ethan was waiting to fly home from America.’
Jamie sighed. ‘Cassie, listen–’
‘No!’ I put up a hand. ‘You listen to me. That woman is having an affair and–’
‘Cassie I’m starting to get really annoyed now. Selina is not having an affair. And even if she was, I couldn’t care less. What she does in her private life is exactly that. Private. It’s no business of mine or yours who Selina goes to bed with. And nor am I interested to know. What is this obsession you have with Selina?’
‘Obsession? Me?’ I pointed to my chest, face now puce with fury. ‘You’ve got it wrong. Selina is the one obsessed with me!’
‘I can’t see that Cass.’ Jamie tipped some baby shampoo into the palm of one hand. ‘All I can see is my wife behaving in an increasingly erratic fashion.’ He massaged the liquid into Eddie’s baby curls. ‘When we went to Ethan’s apartment, you dismissed yourself from the dinner table for the best part of twenty minutes. It came across that you were bored, and couldn’t be bothered to be civil.’
‘I was indisposed, thanks to that woman doing something to my food!’
Jamie ignored me. ‘And then you made a big fuss about her coming to dinner at our house – which was quite needless. She spent most of the time talking to Ethan on the phone, before holing up with Stevie and the kids to watch television.’
‘Well if Stevie hadn’t shown up, it would have been you entertaining her – not to mention taking her home – which was totally unaccept–’
‘And then finally,’ Jamie cut across me, ‘we have you in a top London restaurant spouting a load of garbage, drinking too much and passing out in the most public way possible.’
‘I keep telling you,’ I shouted, ‘she spiked my drink!’ The yelling startled Eddie. His little lip began to wobble. ‘Oh, my darling. I’m so sorry.’ I swooped down and kissed his chubby cheeks. ‘Don’t get upset sweetheart.’ I adopted a sing-song voice. ‘It’s just Mummy being silly.’
‘That’s an understatement,’ Jamie muttered. He began rinsing Eddie’s hair.
‘And Daddy not listening to Mummy,’ I grinned at our son, and pulled some funny faces. Eddie began to chuckle. I sighed with relief and rocked back on my heels. ‘Believe me Jamie. Please. Selina put something in my drink. And she’s having an affair with Stevie.’
‘Stevie!’ Jamie crowed. ‘Oh my God, this is the icing on the cake.’ Grabbing a white fluffy towel, he lifted Eddie out of the bath and wrapped him within its soft folds. ‘How on earth have you implicated your ex-husband into this incredible fantasy?’
I smiled thinly. ‘Watch, listen and learn.’ I removed my mobile phone from my coat pocket, and shoved it under Jamie’s nose. Touching the arrow, the screen burst into life. The pic
ture swung about crazily. Morag’s car seats whooshed into view. ‘I was down on the floor to begin with,’ I spoke over the excited chatter between Morag and myself, ‘but any minute now you’re going to have the biggest surprise of your life.’ The bathroom was instantly filled with the sound of rampant farting. I stared at the screen in disbelief. And cringed as Morag’s apology rang out, clear as a bell, followed by me addressing her as Lacey. ‘I can explain.’
Jamie stared at me incredulously. ‘Can I just say Cassie, that you’re not just coming across as neurotic, but certifiable.’
‘Oh thanks a bunch. You’re my husband and should support me. Nell and Morag believe me.’
‘Nell has just had a baby and – much as I love her – she makes Daffy Duck look like Einstein. And as for Morag, I think she’s missing work and courtroom drama. I can think of no other explanation for getting caught up in your imaginings. I don’t want another word on the subject of Selina.’ I opened my mouth to speak, but Jamie put up a hand. ‘I mean it Cassie. And just to let you know, the bank is holding its annual ball next Saturday at a swanky venue in Oxfordshire. We’re invited. All four of us. And I want you behaving in a way that makes me proud. Understand?’ And with that Jamie plonked Ethan in my arms, and stomped out the bathroom leaving me mouthing like a goldfish.
Eventually, I went downstairs with Eddie on my hip. I kissed his damp hair. He smelt divine. In the kitchen, Edna was presiding over the Chasseur with a huge ladle. Steam spiralled upwards. Everybody was sitting up.
‘Perfect timing Cassandra dear,’ said Edna.
‘I hope you don’t mind me joining your family Cass,’ said Arthur, as I popped Eddie into his playpen.
‘Of course not!’ I took my place at the table. ‘The more the merrier!’ I risked a look at Jamie. He was mashing butter into his jacket potato, and didn’t look up. ‘So,’ I took a dinner plate from Edna and set it before me, ‘what work did you do to the boat today?’
Arthur rubbed his hands together gleefully. I had a feeling that Edna would have done the same, had she not been setting plates before the children.
‘Well today we’ve thoroughly acquainted ourselves with our lovely new seafaring friend. And we’ve started on the floor. To begin with, we stuck our screwdrivers into some cracks which pushed through the wood like a wet paper bag.’
‘The wood was totally shot,’ said Edna sitting down. ‘So we ripped up fibreglass around the cracks, and that came off fairly easily. But when we realised the extent of the rotten wood, we just grabbed the power saws and went to town.’ My mother-in-law picked up her knife and fork. ‘But it’s not all bad news. We were able to salvage one half of a support to give a template of the curve of the bottom of the boat.’
‘How fascinating,’ I nodded. It was gobbledegook to me. And even if I understood what they were talking about, it struck me as mind-numbingly boring. Thank God my husband didn’t have an urge to mess about with boats. Or power saws. I spooned up some chicken. He messed about with power houses instead. Like banks. I cut into my jacket potato and loaded up my fork. Powerful banks that held annual events. I swallowed the potato and felt it stick in my throat. Black tie events. With women like Selina and myself attending. Yet again circumstances were pushing the two of us together. I stared at my dinner miserably. I didn’t want to go to a ball with that woman. What would she do to me next time? Kill me? I pushed some chicken around my plate. Jamie’s words echoed in my head. Was I really neurotic? Certifiable? Was it perhaps just an unhappy coincidence that her raw food diet had upset my tummy? Was it really just possible I had drunk too much? After all, it was only Nell’s supposition that had come up with my champagne being spiked. Nell was no pharmacist. The only thing I could be sure of was Selina spending the day with Stevie. And as Jamie had said, it wasn’t our business. What upset me more than anything though, was Jamie requesting I behave in a way that made him proud. I forked up another bit of chicken. As opposed to ashamed. I gulped. I’d humiliated my husband in front of his boss. And not just his boss, but an entire restaurant. Mortification washed over me. I’d make it up to him. Stop behaving like a fool. I was forty-one years old for heaven’s sake. It was time to stop hiding in playgrounds from irate cyclists, or having road rage with red van drivers, or chasing around the Kent countryside filming two unmarried people up to no good with each other. I couldn’t even get the filming right. And even if I had, so what? It was still none of our business.
‘So I guess you’ll be using plywood for the floor then?’ Jamie was asking.
‘I think,’ Arthur considered, ‘that we'll probably end up applying a fibreglass cloth, and epoxy a few inches up the side.’ He put his knife and fork together and turned to Edna. ‘That was absolutely delicious Pumpkin.’
Pumpkin? I boggled at my jacket potato. Edna smiled coyly by way of response. Clearly there was a lot more than just affection between Arthur and my mother-in-law. They’d known each other for all of five minutes, yet they’d bought a boat together, and were billing and cooing like a pair of turtle doves. I wondered if they’d fallen in love. I knew from my own experience with Jamie that it was possible to fall in love instantly. Morosely, I wondered if one could fall out of love as speedily. I glanced up at Jamie to find him looking at me. But as our eyes met, he quickly looked away.
I spent the rest of the evening alternating between quietly seething, and sinking into depression. I had an urge to scribble a picture of Selina and stick voodoo pins all over it. The earlier distance between Jamie and me had turned into a yawning chasm. At this rate, his cold shoulder was in danger of giving me frostbite. Never in all our time together had I known him so livid. And much later, when the household was asleep, I crept into bed to find Jamie’s back to me. My hand reached for the bedside light. As the room plunged into darkness, I hoped Monday morning would see things right.
Chapter SeventeenWhen the alarm went off the following morning, Jamie’s side of the bed was empty. My eyes swivelled over to the en-suite. Was he in the bathroom? The door was shut but there was no tell-tale light spilling through the gap where tiles met carpet.
I flung back the duvet. Reaching for my dressing-gown, I crossed the landing. The house was still slumbering. Creeping downstairs, I discovered the kitchen light on. A lone cereal bowl was on the table, a few soggy cornflakes clinging to the porcelain’s side. Outside a car engine started. I made for the hallway, nearly tripping over Wallace and Gromet who had silently materialised and were waiting for breakfast. By the time I’d yanked open the front door, Jamie’s car was bouncing along the potholed road. I watched in dismay as the tail lights lit up the still dark morning.
I couldn’t bear going through the day without some sort of harmony being restored between the two of us. Reaching for the hall telephone I rang Jamie’s mobile. His voicemail immediately clicked in. Oh for heaven’s sake. Who could he be talking to at this hour? I listened to my husband’s voice inviting me to leave a message.
‘Hello!’ I warbled. ‘It’s me. Um. I missed not seeing you this morning. And I’m just phoning to say that I’m really sorry. Really sorry. About everything. Drinking too much. Filming Morag farting. It won’t happen again. The drinking. Not the farting. And I promise to make you proud at the ball this Saturday,’ my lip wobbled a bit, ‘and, um, I love you.’ My voice cracked. ‘A lot.’ I replaced the handset and drooped back into the kitchen. I’d just set some Whiskas down for the cats, when the phone shrilled into life.
‘Hello?’ I answered tremulously.
‘Sorry Cassie, I was on the phone to Ethan when you called. Selina is off sick today so the pair of us will have to make up for her absence. I could be home a little on the late side tonight.’
‘Okay.’ I was determined not to make any comment about Selina. Oh no. From now on her name would be erased from my vocabulary. ‘Did you get my message?’
‘Yes you silly goose. And I love you too,’ said Jamie. I clutched the handset in relief. ‘And I know you’ll do me proud at the bank’s
ball.’
‘I will, I will,’ I gabbled.
‘Good. You’ll need a long dress for the occasion. Better take yourself off to Fairview and buy one eh?’
‘Really? Ooh thank you darling!’ I hugged my body in delight. My husband wasn’t cross with me anymore!
‘You can thank me properly tonight Mrs Mackerel. Catch you later.’
‘Bye!’ I replaced the handset feeling a million times happier. My husband still loved me. He wanted me to buy an evening dress. And I was going to make sure he was the proudest man at the ball.
I almost skipped over to the range as I set about frying eggs for the children. Edna came into the kitchen just as Eddie’s wails sounded through the baby alarm.
‘Let me do that Cassandra dear, you see to Eddie. I’ll put some bacon in a pan too.’ My mother-in-law was dressed in yesterday’s overalls. Ready for action on every level.
There was a knock at the kitchen door. Through the glass I could see Arthur. He gave me the thumbs up. I pulled my dressing gown a bit tighter around me as I set about unlocking the back door. Arthur for dinner last night. Arthur for breakfast this morning. Arthur in our garage all day. Wouldn’t it just be easier if Arthur moved in?
‘Morning Cass!’ Arthur chirped. The cats minced over and weaved around his legs. ‘By golly something smells good,’ he rubbed his hands together.
‘Hi Arthur,’ I smiled. ‘Come in and have some breakfast.’ I stepped to one side as he came through the door. A pale sun was rising over the tree tops lighting up the winter morning. Bird song filtered into the kitchen. There was the unspoken promise of a chilly but bright day. I put my foot up the cats’ backsides and shooed them out the door.
‘Good morning Arthur dear,’ Edna trilled.
Arthur went over and pecked Edna on the cheek. All very chaste. She blushed delicately. I left them making small talk and took one of Eddie’s pre-prepared bottles from the refrigerator. As I popped it into the microwave for a thirty second blast, the children filed into the kitchen. Toby was holding up his PE bag.
Lipstick and Lies Page 17