by Colora, R.
“Sweetie, I need you to breathe. Your dad is getting the car, your bag is packed, and as soon as we get you in the car I will call the doctor. Let me help you.”
She lifts me up, and I stagger to the car, lying down in the backseat. My dad is focused on the road. I woke up to the bright lights of the emergency room sign, the nurses running out to the car to help my parents.
“She is sixteen, and she isn’t due for another three weeks my mother informs the nurse.”
“We are moving her up to labor and delivery,” the nurse tells my parents.
When I arrive in the room, I’m hooked up to monitors and machines. I want to call Michael to tell him what’s happening, but I realize that would be a mistake. He has moved on with his life, and I have moved on with mine.
My dad is waiting in the waiting room while my mom, Aunt Maggie, and Percy come into the room to help.
“Katherine, are you ready to push? Your baby is ready to come into the world.”
“Wait, I was supposed to get an epidural!” I shouted.
“It’s too late for that, Katherine, you have to push.”
“Mom, make them give me something. Please, Mom,” I sob.
“Sweetie.” My mom holds my face and looks into my eyes. “Look, millions of women for thousands of years have done this. You are a woman of the Earth; you can do this. Now, the doctor says push, so I want you to push! Don’t think about the pain think about the joy, focus on holding your baby.”
I nod and bear down. “OK, I’m ready, I can do this.”
“OK, Katherine, are you ready? Push! Keep pushing until I make it to ten then I want you to rest. Ready? PUSH!” the doctor yells. “One, two, three, four, KEEP PUSHING, KATHERINE, five, six, seven.
The pain and pressure is too much, and I have to stop.
“Sweetie, you did great. We have to push again, are you ready?”
“I can see your baby crowning, are you ready?” the doctor asks. “PUSH, KATHERINE, one, two, three, four, you’re doing great, five, six.”
I hear my baby scream, and I lie back and cry while my mom and Aunt Maggie hug me and tell me how great I did. Percy watches them clean up the baby.
“He is beautiful,” Percy says.
“I have a son.” My mother is wiping my face and rubbing ice on my lips. “I have a son,” I say with a smile on my face.
“Miss Blackwell, my name is Hilary. I’m here with this little guy’s birth certificate. It needs to be signed so we can have it registered. I notice that you left the father’s information blank.” I don’t want to look her in the face.
“She has the right not to list the information,” Percy declares from the doorway.
“No, the information should only be left blank if she doesn’t know who the father is. We don’t notify the father that he has been named on a birth certificate, the only time a father is notified is if the mother applies for any kind of assistance, and the father is put on child support.”
“I want to leave my father’s information blank,” I assert.
“Then I need you to sign a second document stating you don’t know who the father is,” Hilary says with a nasty sneer on her face.
“I’m not signing anything, and the fact that you’re in here badgering me is pissing me off. I’m sixteen years old; you need to wait for my parents.”
She slams her clipboard down. “Lady,” I hear Percy say. “You better get the fuck out of my cousin’s room before I whip your ass. I’m already reporting your behavior don’t catch an ass whooping on top of that.” Hilary leaves, slamming the door, causing the baby to stir.
“So what is his name?” Percy asks as she comes to the bed and brushes her hand over the baby’s hair that is sticking up all over the place. He squints his face up at the contact, and we both giggle.
“His name is Michael Jareth Blackwell,” I answer, kissing MJ’s soft hair and sniffing his head.
The years that followed weren’t always easy, but I had the help of my family and the support of my community. It did take a village to raise my son, and I think we all did a pretty good job.
“Bye, Mom. I love you!" MJ yells as he runs toward his class on the first day of kindergarten.
“Wait, MJ, don’t you want you me to walk you in?” I’m trying to hold in my emotions, but it’s not working.
“No, Mom, I’m a big kid. I’m not a baby. You have to get to your class,” he says as he pushes me toward the door.
“OK, if you need me I’m in the middle school building. Have Mrs. Karas call me if you need anything!”
“MOM,” he huffs. “I’m going to be ok just go!”
“Ok, can I have a kiss? Wait, let me take a picture!” He poses by the door that says Mrs. Karas’ Kindergarten Class. He points to the owl with his name on it and smiles. I take about twenty pictures before he has had enough. “Ok, I will see you after school. I love you, MJ,” I say before kissing my son and walking to my sixth-grade classroom. I spend the day checking my email to see if his teacher has contacted me, but I’m the only one who seems to be suffering from anxiety.
When the bell rings, I gather my things and head to meet MJ at his classroom door.
He storms out of the classroom past me and walks to the front doors of the school and sits on the bench.
Mrs. Karas looks pensive before speaking, “MJ had a great day until about thirty minutes ago. The kids were talking about Boy Scout sign-ups and how now they go on a father/son camping trip. When one of the other students asked him if he was going to sign up, he said he didn’t have a father only an uncle. The other student asked why he didn’t have a father, and MJ responded that he didn’t know.”
I find myself sinking into the chair outside her door and looking toward the bench where my son is sitting with his head down. Everyone knows about Michael leaving me behind to go to school, but no one talks about it. The chief’s daughter knocked up and abandoned by a Kerrigan. I stopped feeling shame a long time ago, but now my sins are affecting my son. I thank Mrs. Karas and walk to MJ.
“Hey, I say we are going to talk about this when we get home, OK, buddy?”
He doesn’t respond or look at me he just shuffles to the car never taking his eyes off the ground. I text my parents who text back that they are going to meet me at my house. I pull up to my house minutes later. I share a lot with my parents; my house is small in comparison to theirs, but it’s perfect for us. Putting the car in park, I see my parents sitting on my porch.
We all walk inside and sit in the living room. I have been thinking about his conversation for the last six years, but I still don’t quite know what to say.
“Why don’t I have a father?” my son asks with a little more attitude than I like.
“You have a father, MJ, but right now your dad is working on some of his own issues and can’t be here with you. Remember when Uncle Liam explained that your dad was in the hospital for a while, and he was seeing a doctor to get himself better?”
“I’m six, how long does it take to get better?” he replies. I realize he has more sense than I gave him credit for.
“Listen, buddy,” my dad interjects. “You have me and you know your uncle Liam says you can call him whenever you want.”
“But I need a father for the camping trip. Not a grandpa. Not an uncle. Why can’t you call my dad and ask him if he is better?”
“Buddy,” I say calmly “Let me talk to your uncle and see what he says, OK?”
MJ nods and asks if he can be excused. When he goes into this room, and I hear the door close, I finally break down.
“Should I tell him the truth, Dad?” I ask, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt
“I think you need to contact Michael Kerrigan. It’s time, Katie. MJ is getting older, and he is going to have more questions. I could always reach out to Shamus and see how things with Michael are going.”
“I just talked to Liam he says Michael is still not well, that him finding out about MJ would be worse for his recovery, I
just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.”
“Well, sweetie,” my mom adds. “You know I always said you should have told him from the beginning, but what’s done is done. Right now I think the talk you had with MJ will be enough to buy you a little more time, but there is going to come a time when he is going to start asking other people question and kids nowadays have the internet. It won’t be hard for him to find his father. I mean, come on, sweetie, he lives in this area, he knows his uncle is Liam Kerrigan, and the Kerrigan name is well-known. You need to tell Michael before he finds out on his own.”
I spend the next couple days weighing my options. MJ never brings up his father again, and when Liam comes over, he asks if he will go on the Boy Scout camping trip with him.
“Liam, how is your brother doing?” I inquire. Liam blows out a deep breath
“He is doing better. He is on the right medication, he just finished taking the test for his real estate license, and he is working at Kerrigan reality with Easton. Things seem to be finally falling into place for him.
“I was thinking it’s time to tell him about MJ. At first I was angry, and I wanted to keep my son away from him and your family. I didn’t want to share him; I felt like your brother didn’t deserve it, but then Michael got sick. I just felt like I didn’t want to add to what he had going on and your family was already dealing with so much but, Liam, he needs to know he has a son and my son needs to know who his father is.”
“You know no matter what you decide, Katie, Rose and I will always stand by you. We respected your wishes, and we didn’t tell my family, and I know when everything comes out we are gonna be burned at the stake for it, but I’m glad I got to be part of MJ’s life and if that means it pisses my family off so be it. I did what was right for everyone; my nephew didn’t need to see his father going through everything he has been through.”
Giving Liam a hug, I walk him to the door.
Shit. This is not how I pictured this happening. The Kerrigan’s know they shouldn’t be this close to UTE territory. I know Shamus and Elena eat at the Denver Diner every Saturday morning, and I make sure to stay clear, so what the hell is Rhydian Kerrigan doing here on a Wednesday morning? I try to keep my head down and usher MJ to my truck, but I can’t escape. Rhydian’s eyes are focused on MJ.
Chapter 5
Michael
Dartmouth is everything I thought it would be, and I’m having the time of my life. Parties, girls, drinking, more parties. I pledged the hottest fraternity on campus, have a super-hot girlfriend, and my life is exactly how I want it to be. Except that Stephanie is giving me all the right signals that she is down to fuck, but I can’t seal the deal. I blame it on the fact that we are drunk almost every time we are about to hook up, but the real reason is she isn’t Katie and no matter how much I lie to myself and say I’m over her and that I did the right thing, everything in my soul feels wrong. Stephanie finally calls it quits saying it’s obvious I’m not interested in her, and she isn’t wrong. My excessive drinking has caused my grades to slip. I was just called into the academic advisor’s office and put on academic probation. If my grades aren’t up by the end of the semester, I will be asked to leave. I try and buckle down and study, but I can’t seem to focus
My roommate has a prescription for Adderall that he is sharing with me, but that isn’t even helping me focus; I have tried every kind of drug to help focus. I feel like everything is spinning out of control. It’s the end of my second semester at Dartmouth, and I was told my scholarship had been rescinded, and even if I could private pay, my grades weren’t good enough to remain. I didn’t tell my parents I had been kicked out of school; I couldn’t stand to disappoint them again. So, I stay in New Hampshire until the end of the school year and return to Denver. I keep a low profile at DU; I’m a freshman instead of a sophomore. I will have to find a way to make up for the year I lost, and I make sure I avoid anyone that knows I went off to school and couldn’t hack it. Everything is going fine
I see a girl pushing a stroller who looks just like Katie only her body is a little fuller than Katie’s. I watch as she loads the baby into the car and puts the stroller in the trunk. My heart skips a beat when she brushes her hair off her face like Katie use to do. I watch, fixated on the young mother and her baby, and the guilt starts to bubble to the surface again. I have thought about Katie a lot over the last year, the drinking and drugs helped numb the pain, but the minute I was sober it all came flooding back I even tried to call but her number was changed, and when I went to the reservation I was turned away at the gate and told I was on the ‘do not admit’ list. I asked my dad to get ahold of Katie’s dad so I could apologize, but I was told the Ute tribe severed all business dealings with our family.
One day after class I head to the mall. While I am walking around, I see the young mother again. I want to follow her, but I see a guy come out of the store behind her carrying tons of bags. She turns and smiles at him then shoulder checks him. It seems odd; they seem friendlier than a family. He pushes the elevator button, and the woman with the stroller gets in. He hands her all of her bags and fist bumps her before he turns and goes to meet a girl standing outside a Starbucks. They kiss and walk off. I watch as the woman walks out of the mall and into the parking lot. I walk into the store the young mother came out of; it’s a baby clothes store. I start buying stuff; I think I buy one of everything then I walk into the next store, and it’s more baby clothes, so I start buying everything in sight. I’m going to get Katie back, and everything is going to be all right. If I can show her these baby clothes she will know I’ve changed— we can get married and have another baby. Going from store to store, I buy everything I can. Racking up about eight thousand dollars at the mall, my parents are alerted to the unusual charges on their black American Express.
“Michael,” I hear my father call from the living room as soon as I walk in the front door. Immediately, I start pacing.
“I know I spent a lot, Dad, but I need this stuff. I have to show Katie I’m ready to be a father; I have to show her that we can fix this.” Hitting myself in the head, I try to clear my thoughts. “I’m trying to focus on Katie. I can fix this, I can make everything better. Katie will still love me just like I still love her. If it weren’t for the drinking and drugs, we would have still been together. I wasn’t thinking straight when I broke up with her. Katie will take me back. She loves me. We belong together, Dad. I just made a mistake. I know she will forgive me; we are soulmates. She loves me, Dad, and I’m going to get her back.”
“Son, I need you to stop pacing and sit down,” I hear my dad say softly
“No, I need you to call Katie they won’t let me talk to her. I need you to call her dad, tell him I need Katie to talk to me. I need to tell her—I need to show her—I’m ready to be a father, Dad. I need you to call her!” I shout.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see my mom on the phone crying.
“Who are you calling? Are you calling Katie?” I grab the phone out my mother’s hands quickly. “Katie, are you there, Katie?” No one is saying anything. “Katie, I bought baby stuff, I’m ready for our baby. Katie, talk to me!” I start banging the phone against the wall. “Mom, the phone isn’t working! I can’t hear anything! Mom, what did Katie say?” I ask my mom just shakes her head as she cries
My parents didn’t have a choice but to commit me. I spend two months in an inpatient mental health hospital where I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I was in and out of mental hospitals for next six years. Sometimes the medication would stop working, sometimes I would feel I was better, and I could stop taking it just to have a relapse of mania and depression. I have been on the right track for almost three years. I’m taking the right cocktail of medication, and I have been in therapy regularly. Over the last year I have watched my brother Easton fall in love with Kennedy; they are now married and have triplets. My brother Rhydian has fallen in love with Estelle, Kennedy’s be
st friend. Everyone seems to be starting new relationships, but I’m stuck I’m in love with a girl who’s heart I broke nine years ago. I have tried everything to make things right with Katie. My father and Joseph Blackwell, Katie’s father, have recently made amends and have started a land deal to expand the school into a parcel of land we own. My dad just relayed that Joseph told him Katie is a teacher and is living happily with the love of her life.
I’m looking out the window at Denver when see Rhydian is calling; I’m surprised since he and Estelle have been hot and heavy the last few days.
“Hey,” I answer. “Are we still on for tonight or are you calling to cancel on me?”
When he says he saw Katie Blackwell, my heart stops. No one talks about her; it’s like an unwritten rule: no one mention Katie, Michael will go crazy again.
He tells me Katie is there, and she has a son— my son. I don’t even realize I have thrown my phone across the room and grabbed my car keys, and as I storm out of the office I see Stacy running towards me
“Michael, what’s going on?” Stacy yells. I don’t stay anything. Instead, I run to the stairs as I hear her yell to the secretary to call my parents.
“Michael is having an episode!” She is following me. I make it to my car and see her run out of the building and as I peel out she is on the phone. All those times I saw that young mother I thought I was losing my fucking mind it was Katie. She had my baby and never told me. She had nine years to tell me. I’m so blind with rage I don’t even know how I make it to the Denver Diner, When I walk into the diner, I see Estelle.
“Is it true?” I ask. She shows me a video and my world stops. I’m so angry and so fucking happy at the same time. I can’t process all these emotions, it’s like my brain is getting flooded.
Chapter 6
Katie
Katherine Blackwell.” A young girl is jogging up to me. “You’re Katherine Blackwell, aren’t you?” she inquires.