by Colora, R.
I’m so shocked I can’t even speak. I pull the phone away from my ear so I can check the number I dialed.
“I can tell from your silence what I hit the nail on the head. I have worked with two of your brothers. I’m sure you know that so I’m not breaking any confidentiality. I can tell you that you are a topic of conversation more often than not. “So here is what I’m going to tell you: I will see both you and Katie separately, and then I will see both of you together for couple’s therapy. Once I feel like you guys are in a good place, we will bring your son in for family therapy. You guys have been yanking that kid all about without one fig of a care of what he is going through. Before I even see you or Katie, she needs to be back at her own house. No more shacking up and playing house, neither one of you had any business being ina relationship.”
I’m still sitting silently. I sputter when I go to speak, “Lady, you have a lot of nerve. Just who the hell do you think you are?”
I hear the doctor chuckle on the other end of the line. “Oh, Mikey, I find your bluster so funny. Your brother Easton is happily married with kids, your brother Rhydian is happily married with a baby on the way. You are miserable as hell even though you think you have the one thing you want. Katie gave you her trust, and you did everything in your power to self-sabotage. I don’t have to tell you who I think I am, I can tell you that I am fantastic at my profession, and if you want my help you will do what I say or you will lose my number. I have too many people that are begging for my help to waste my time on someone who goes out of their way to destroy their own happiness. Call me when you’re serious,” she says before I hear the beep that lets me know she hung upon me. I sit in the den for a long time thinking about the things that the doctor said to me, and as much as it hurts, she did hit the nail on the head.
Walking back into the living room, I still see Katie struggling. But more than the physical struggle, I see the mental struggle.
“Katie, can we sit and talk for a minute?” I ask with hesitation in my voice. She slowly makes her way to the sofa.
I tell her all about my conversation with Dr. Franklin. I can’t tell what the emotion is on her face, but I do see hurt.
“So you want me to move back to my house?” she asks, her dark eyes pinning me with anger.
“Katie, I think it’s for the best that we follow Dr. Franklin’s plan. I’m in this for the long haul.”
“Can you take me home?” she asks; she is angry. “I told you this before the accident that’s why I didn’t want to move, but you kept forcing the issue because you always know best.”
I try talking to her, but it’s pointless—she is once again right. I pushed what I wanted, and it was the wrong choice. I make bad life choices, and I drag everyone else around me into the messes I create.
“Aren’t you going to pack your things?”
“There is no need, I’m ready to go.” She starts walking toward the door. Leaning on her cane, she manages to pull open the heavy teakwood door. I grab my keys and wallet and head toward the door behind her. I try to speak to her on the ride there, but she doesn’t say one word to me. She doesn’t even wait until I put the car in park in front of her house before she has her seatbelt off and the door open. She holds out her hand, and I place her keys in the hand and try to talk, but she doesn’t acknowledge that I am speaking. She just pulls herself out of the car and starts walking to her door. She stumbles on the first step but catches herself. I know I could help, but it will just make it worse. She opens her door and closes it, never looking back. I put all my faith in Dr. Franklin, and I hope I didn’t just ruin things beyond repair.
I haven’t heard from Katie or MJ in three weeks. I get updated from her parents on MJ, but they never say anything about Katie. When I ask about her, they tell me to focus on me, and she is focusing on her.
I have been seeing Dr. Franklin twice a week for the last three weeks. We started at the very beginning and have been working through my issues one by one. The first of my issues is my substance abuse, and then my mental illness, now we are working on why I feel the need to self-destruct. It hasn’t been the easiest three weeks. I often leave our session mentally exhausted and angry. On week four of treatment, she asked me to come in for three sessions instead of two.
I’m running late so I run through the lobby of Dr. Franklin’s office, and the receptionist lets me know she is waiting for me. When I enter the office I’m surprised to see Katie is on the sofa. She gives me a polite smile, and I want to rush over to her, tell her I fucked up again, tell her how much I’ve have missed her and MJ, but I don’t say anything. I can tell from the look that Dr. Franklin is giving me that I should just sit so I do.
“Michael, both you and Katie have been working your individual plans, and now I want you to work on truthful communication, not what you want each other to hear. In this room, everyone says what they mean clearly and without bullshit. You can begin, Michael.” Dr. Franklin clicks her pen and prepares to take notes.
I don’t say anything—Katie is watching me intently. My throat is dry, and I can barely swallow. I know I have to say the words—the reason that the drinking started, what really started my downward spiral—but I can’t say them because if I do, I know Katie will be lost to me forever. My chest is constricted, and I feel the sweat starting to bead on my forehead. I take a breath.
“The night of prom, after I took you home, I went to hang out with Randall and the guys. We all went out to his house for an after-party, where we all started drinking and getting high. It was just weed.” I have to stop talking because now I feel like my heart is in a vice.
“Continue, Michael,” I hear Dr. Franklin urge.
“Randall and his cousin gave me a pill they said would make me loose. I was pissed off because all my friends were there with girls and you had to be home at midnight. I remember taking the pill and chasing it with a shot of rum and then when I woke up I was naked in Randall’s sister’s room. She was naked also, and I just laid there for a minute staring at the canopy thing on her bed. When she rolled over, she told me we had an amazing time, and she wants round two. I jumped up and ran out of there. I was halfway out the door when Randall saw me he just started laughing saying his sister had finally gotten what she wanted. I cheated on you, Katie.” When I look up I see the stone-faced expression of Katie. I don’t even know what she is going to say, but I brace myself for the worste. She is still looking at me but hasn’t said a word.
“How does that make you feel, Katie?” I hear Dr.Franklin ask. She is still writing on her pad.
“I knew. I knew about Rachel. She sent me a text message that night and told me about you two. She even sent me a picture of you in her bed. I waited for you to tell me the truth, but you never did you just went into self-destruct mode. Michael, you didn’t have sex with Rachel. As much as you don’t deserve the truth I’m going to tell you. About a year after MJ was born I was at Walmart. I was in the baby section and I turned and there was Rachel. She had a baby of her own and I was so scared I didn’t want to look at the baby. I didn’t want to know if that baby was yours. When Rachel saw me, she came up to me, told me she did something she needed to apologize for. She said she hadn’t slept with you that it was all Randall’s doing. He wanted to knock you down a peg or two. He was jealous and felt like you had everything. She told me how they drugged you and Randall took your clothes off, and he and James put you in her bed, she said she didn’t even sleep in the same bed. She had only been in the bed with you for about thirty minutes when you woke up and bolted. James and Rachel had just gotten married, and it was his baby. She wanted to say she was sorry for her part, and she only hoped that what goes around really doesn’t come back around. I saw her again about three years later; she and James were at the park with their son. They looked so happy. She came up to me and sat on the bench and told me all about how she had always gone along with what Randall wanted because he was the only one who ever showed her any love. Her parents were rich but didn’t
give a crap about her. She had recently found God and was working on herself and wanted to apologize again. She asked if I had ever reunited with you, and when I told her no, she said she would pray for us.”
I have to run to the trash can to thrown up. I felt like I wanted to die all this time, the drinking and the drugs were to help me forget what I did, but it didn’t do anything. I didn’t cheat; I was set up by a bunch of jealous motherfuckers; and I destroyed the one person in the world I loved more than anything because of a lie.
Katie came over to where I landed with my back against Dr. Franklin’s desk and rubbed my back. “I waited for you to be honest with me to tell me the truth, but you found your solace in the bottom of a bottle and running away from your problems.”
“I don’t even know what to say, Katie. I don’t even have the right to ask for forgiveness.”
“I don’t forgive you, Michael; there isn’t anything to forgive. It was almost ten years ago; you were eighteen years old. But just like I’m willing to forgive you, you have to forgive me. This isn’t going to work if there is all this underlying tension and hostility. It isn’t going to work if we aren’t honest, and we don’t put all our cards on the table. We can’t keep not communicating—it hasn’t worked in the past, and it’s not working now.”
My head hurts so bad I can’t even focus. The pain is blinding, and I know stress is the cause.
“Okay, Michael, is there anything else you want to talk to Katie about? Once we close the chapter on this part of your life, there is no going back to beat each other over the head with it so…”
“I want to ask, but I need to know you won’t be upset. I need to know. Did you get pregnant on purpose?”
I see the hurt move across her face. “No, Michael, I didn’t get pregnant on purpose. I hope that eases your mind.”
“Okay, you two, take MJ out of the equation. Michael, do you want to be in a relationship with Katie?”
I don’t even have to think before answering, “Yes. I love Katie, I always have. I want us to be together as a family, and I want to get married.”
“Katie,” Dr. Franklin says sternly. “Do you want to be in a relationship with Michael?”
Katie takes a minute to answer, “Yes, I want to be in a relationship with Michael.”
“OK, well, here is the plan. I want to keep seeing you as individuals, but I want to see you as a couple every week. We will focus on communication and compromise. I would also like to see MJ in two weeks. I think in this whole thing he is the only one who is blameless.”
“You can go, Katie. I know you have an appointment elsewhere. Michael, you sit tight.” She comes to be with a stack of paper. “This is your homework.” I look at the stack of papers. It’s steps on how to court a lady. It also lists the difference between dating and courting.
1. Ask permission: Talk to your intended’s father or guardian, and make your intentions clear. You are entering into the process of courting for the sole purpose of marriage.
2. Spend time with your intended: You are to be chaperoned at all times. Any physical contact even hand holding is not permitted in the stage of courting. Show your affection through actions, such as sending flowers or small trinkets. This is not about materials; it’s about showing your intended that you have paid attention to her likes.
3. Supervised Outing: All outings should be in public locations. Also, all outings must be chaperoned. Family events are a great way to have the perfect outings There is to be no kissing, but hand holding is permitted. Take this time to enjoy this physical contact—it’s the first step to intimacy.
4. Buy a ring and ask your intended to be your wife. Kissing is still not permitted. Outings are still to be chaperoned and in public places. You may add a hug for a greeting and a hug for a goodbye.
5. Plan your engagement: Most engagements are usually between 3-6 months don’t rush this. Work the courting plan, it will help strengthen your relationship.
“You are not to be alone with Katie at all. You are going to build a relationship with a solid foundation. She wants to love you; she wants to trust you. But, those are things you have to earn, and they aren’t easy. You will not rush things.”
I look at the steps.
Step one: Asking permission from her father to court her. I have to chuckle. “Are you serious about this?” I look at Dr. Franklin.
“I’m as serious as a case of herpes. Build this relationship by these rules, and I promise in less than six months you will have the relationship you want with Katie, and you will be teaching your son valuable lessons like not getting their teenage girlfriend pregnant and then abandoning her.” I have to flinch at her words, but she is only telling me the truth.
I call Joseph and ask him to meet me at The Mad Batter. I smile as I see Frankie adding cupcakes to her display. It takes Joseph about twenty minutes to get to me and when he does he looks less than impressed. He sits and I say what I have to say.
“Sir, I would like permission to court your daughter, my intentions are to marry her.”
“Michael, you have been down this road a few times. I have this tree analogy when I think of people in life. They are all placed inside what I call my tree test. It goes like this:
“Leaf People- some people come into your life, and they are like leaves on a tree. They are only there for a season. You can't depend on them or count on them because they are weak and only there to give you shade. Like leaves, they are there to take what they need and as soon as it gets cold or the wind blows in your life they are gone.
“Branch People-there are some people who come into your life, and they are like branches on a tree. They are stronger than leaves, but you have to be careful with them. They will stick around through most seasons, but if you go through a storm or two in your life, it's possible that you could lose them. Most times they break away when it's tough. Although they are stronger than leaves, you have to test them out before you run out there and put all your weight on them. In most cases, they can't handle too much weight.
“Root People-if you can find some people in your life who are like the roots of a tree then you have found something special. Like the roots of a tree, they are hard to find because they are trying not to be seen. Their only job is to hold you up and help you live a strong and healthy life. If you thrive, they are happy. They stay low-key and don't let the world know that they are there. And if you go through an awful storm they will hold you up. Their job is to hold you up, come what may, and to nourish you, feed you, and water you. If you look at what kind of tree person you have been in Katie’s life, you will know exactly what my answer is.”
With that, he threw five dollars on the table and walked out. It takes me a minute to understand before I run out after him.
“You’re right. I have been a branch, but I know I can be a root. I know I can do right by Katie, I know I can give her everything she needs. Sir, please let me prove myself.” I can see my words aren’t making any difference.
“Michael, your words are empty. Katie is almost twenty-six years old; you don’t need my permission to court her. She is a grown woman with your son. You guys work it out if you want, but keep me out of it and stop fucking over my grandson.”
“I need your permission,” I say, stepping over to block his way.
“Why the hell do you need my permission?” he asks in an aggravated tone.
“I have to follow these steps in the plan for a healthy relationship my therapist gave me. I am trying to do things the right way this time so I can make Katie my wife.”
I see the breakdown of resolve in Joseph’s eyes. “You have my permission to court Katie. I hope it works out for you, son, I really do,” he says before turning and walking to his truck.
OK, step one complete. Four more steps to go.
Chapter 19
Katie
Come on, Katie, you can do it,” I hear Ian and Percy cheering me on. I still have to use the cane, but I am moving fast. They are on the trail ahead of m
e, and I’m pushing myself to the limit. Once we get to the stopping point, I sit on one of the benches they have throughout the trail. Just then I see these two older ladies power walk past me on the trail.
“Jesus, I totally feel bad about myself now,” I say with a slight chuckle.
“Listen, you are walking short distances without assistance, it’s the longer distances you are working on,” Ian says.
“Yeah,” Percy adds. “You don’t realize it, but you walked almost two miles. Considering the accident you were in, that’s a miracle.”
“I agree.” I close my eyes and think about the accident that almost ended my life. The trucking company is offering a huge payout, but everyone has told me not to accept and to sue them. The driver of the truck that hit me hadn’t slept in seventy-two hours because he was on a tight deadline outlined by the company. I don’t want to draw this out any longer than it has to be, but if I take the payment I have to remain silent, and the trucking company will keep forcing their drivers on the roads.
It’s been two weeks since Michael’s breakdown in Dr. Franklin’s office. We have each been working on our individual recovery, but we are due to meet again tomorrow. In the last two weeks, Michael has sent me flowers and small gifts. Things that he knows I would enjoy like scented candles, a few books he knows are on my wish list on Amazon—he also sent me a few movies, movies we saw while we were dating and he attached notes to all of them. It was sweet. I stand up and look at Ian and Percy as they embrace.
“I’m ready, guys. I hope the walk back isn’t as rough.” They each stand at one side of me and help to make sure I don’t fall. We make it back to Ian’s truck, and they drive me back to my house.