by Joanna Neil
‘Oh, no…’ She gave a shocked gasp. ‘No, no…’
‘What’s wrong, Sarah?’ Ben came to stand beside her, a look of concern on his face. ‘Have you remembered something?’
She couldn’t answer him. She couldn’t speak. All she knew was that something dark and awful was unravelling in her mind, a memory was surfacing that she couldn’t bear, that she didn’t want, and she wished with all her heart that she could push it back from where it had come.
CHAPTER TEN
‘SARAH?’ Ben was watching her closely, and Sarah gave a shuddery breath, forcing herself to deal with the cold feeling of dread that was closing in on her.
‘Emily’s right,’ she managed, her voice a cracked whisper. Seeing the man at the helm of the boat had brought it all flooding back to her, the whole tragic incident. It shocked her to the core and filled her with despair.
Emily dragged her gaze from the screen and turned to look up at Sarah. Her face crumpled. ‘Daddy gone,’ she said on a sob. ‘Mummy poorly.’ She was trembling, and she lifted her arms up to Sarah, as though she alone had the power to make everything right.
Only Sarah didn’t know how to do that. She reached for Emily, lifting her onto her knee, and she held her close, but all the while an icy tide was creeping through her veins.
Emily’s reaction to the man and woman on the boat had stirred up things that she would rather had stayed hidden, but now it was too late, because the monster was unleashed and there was no escaping it.
She stroked the little girl’s hair and tried to make soothing sounds, but deep inside she knew that this was something that could never be made right. It was all coming back to her now with terrible, awful clarity, and tears began to trickle slowly down her cheeks.
She swallowed hard against the lump that formed in her throat. ‘I’m here, Emily,’ she said huskily. ‘You’re safe. I won’t let you go.’
The little girl buried her head against Sarah’s breast. ‘Daddy picked me up,’ she mumbled, ‘but Daddy gone. Mummy gone.’
‘I know, Emily. I know.’ She kissed the child’s temple, and held her tight.
They stayed like that, locked in an embrace, for what seemed like an eternity. Ben crouched down in front of them, looking into Sarah’s eyes as he wrapped his arms around both of them.
‘You’ve remembered something, haven’t you?’ he said as he looked into her stricken eyes.
She nodded and struggled to get her words out against the aching in her throat. ‘I wish I hadn’t but I can’t stop the pictures from coming into my mind.’
She kissed Emily’s head, comforting her as best she could until gradually the child’s sobs quietened and she became still. After a while it dawned on Sarah that she had fallen asleep in her arms.
She closed her eyes briefly to quell the sting of tears that threatened to run down her face and mingle with the dried streaks of those that had gone before.
‘What can I do?’ Ben asked. ‘Tell me how I can help.’
‘No one can help,’ she said in a whisper. ‘It was awful.’ She dragged air shakily into her lungs. ‘They both died.’
‘Who died?’
‘Emily’s father and my sister.’
Ben’s eyes darkened in shock. ‘Do you think you can tell me about it?’ He reached out to cover her hands with his. ‘How did it happen?’
‘Adam…’ She tried to still the trembling of her voice. ‘Adam hired a boat so that they could go sailing for the afternoon… but later on a gale blew up, and he began to lose control of the yacht. He radioed that he was having trouble with the boat’s power, and it turned out that the engine had been overheating and the batteries weren’t sufficient to keep up the power supply.’
Her mouth moved in a spasm of painful emotion. ‘We learned that from the accident report that was made when the boat was checked over afterwards.’
She stopped for a moment so that she could try to gain control of herself once more. ‘Emily was with them, and it seems that she was in danger of going overboard at one point…I think that’s what she meant when she said she fell…so Adam secured her to a seat on the boat. But all the while the waves were coming up over the yacht, and he and Rebecca were thrown into the sea.’
She bowed her head as though that would stop her from seeing the images that poured into her mind. ‘They were wearing lifejackets, but Adam hit his head on the way down and died from his injuries. The coastguard picked up Rebecca from the sea and found Emily on board, still strapped to the seat. She was safe, but she was soaking wet and very cold.’
Ben was watching her face intently. ‘How do you know all this?’
‘I know it because…’ She stopped as tears filled her eyes. ‘Because Rebecca clung to life for a few days. She was in the water so long that she was suffering from hypothermia when they eventually brought her out. They took her to hospital, but she was so cold that it took hours to revive her. When she finally regained consciousness, she seemed to rally a little, and we thought that she was going to survive. Over the next day or so she even managed to tell us something of what had happened.’
She swallowed hard and clasped her hands more firmly around Emily, holding onto the one precious thing she had left from that awful time. ‘Then she started to show signs of pneumonia and the doctors did everything they could to try to pull her through, but it was no use. In her weakened state she wasn’t able to fight it. She never recovered.’
Ben came and sat on the sofa beside her, folding her into his arms. ‘I’m so sorry.’ He drew her against him, simply holding her, and for a long time they were silent, with Sarah taking comfort from his nearness.
When she stirred a while later, he said softly, ‘Rebecca was your sister?’
Sarah nodded. ‘She was older than me. I thought the world of her.’
‘I don’t think I understand this,’ he said with a puzzled frown. ‘You said that Emily was out with your sister on the boat. Why weren’t you with them?’
Sarah drew in a shaky breath. ‘That’s just it. I wasn’t part of the family group. You see, I realise now that I’m not Emily’s mother at all. She was Adam and Rebecca’s daughter.’
He gave a sharp intake of breath. ‘You’re not her mother? How can that be?’ He shook his head. ‘I’m having a lot of trouble taking this in. I never imagined for a moment that you weren’t her natural mother. You’re both so alike in looks… your hair colour, your eyes. There must be some mistake. Are you sure you have this right? Do you think your memory could be playing tricks on you?’
‘No.’ Her mouth made a sombre line. ‘I’m having trouble accepting it as well. Ever since my head injury I’ve believed that she was mine, because everyone told me that it was so, and I’ve loved her deeply, even though I couldn’t ever remember having a child. It never occurred to me that they had it wrong. We have such a bond between us, and it’s hard for me to acknowledge that she isn’t my very own flesh and blood. But now I have to come to terms with the truth because some things have come back to me with absolute clarity.’ She hesitated. ‘I remember my sister asking me…to take care of her.’ Her voice broke on the words.
‘I’m sorry, Sarah.’ Ben cupped her face in his hands. ‘This has all been a tremendous shock to you, to discover what really went on, and it’s no wonder that you were traumatised by what happened. It must have been terrible to have to accept that the people you loved had gone out of your life, and that Emily was left without a family.’
She nodded. ‘At first none of us knew quite what to do. I was working full time, and my father and mother weren’t living in the country. My father was reorganising an overseas branch of the company, and my mother was working with him as an interpreter. Adam’s parents were long since gone, and that meant that initially I was the only one on hand to deal with everything. Of course, my parents came home as soon as they heard about the accident.’
Her mouth made an awkward shape as she tried to counter the grief that suddenly welled up in her. ‘We
had to think about what to do for the best for Emily.’
‘But in the end you must have decided to keep her with you.’
‘Yes, that’s right.’ She frowned, trying to recall the exact circumstances. ‘My mother wanted to help out with Emily, but she has a job that takes her overseas quite often. She would have given it up, but in those first few months Emily clung to me and wouldn’t be consoled if I left her for any length of time. I had some leave due to me, so I used that in order to take care of her. I think we came to some kind of agreement in the end that I would keep her with me and my parents would help out whenever they were back home.’
She thought about it for a moment longer, trying to piece everything together in her mind. ‘Some things are still a bit shrouded in fog,’ she told him. ‘It’s difficult to recall exactly, but I know that I stayed for some time in Rebecca’s house because I didn’t want to disturb Emily any more than was necessary.’
‘Did something go wrong? What was it that caused you to leave? Do you know?’
‘I think it was all too much for me. I expect I was trying to keep down a full-time job inA and E, but it must have been hard, looking after Emily as well. I’m pretty sure that I adopted her, because I remember signing lots of forms and there was some kind of assessment, but in the end I must have decided to give up my job and move up to the Peak District. Perhaps I was going to work part time. I can’t remember exactly what I had in mind.’
She looked at him, her whole body shaky in the aftermath of this discovery. ‘It’s all a bit patchy, still. Bits of it are very clear, almost more so than I can bear, but the rest of it is hazy.’ She frowned, thinking things through, and suddenly became very still.
‘Are you all right?’ Ben’s expression was full of concern.
‘My name—’ she said, her eyes widening ‘—it’s just come back to me…’ She broke off, overwhelmed by the shock of this new discovery. ‘It’s not Hall, that was my sister’s married name. My name is Marshall, Sarah Marshall.’ She laid a hand on his arm, as though she was reaching out to him, wanting something that she couldn’t put into words. ‘But I still can’t remember where my parents were living.’
‘I’m sure that will come back to you, with time. I expect you were on your way to their house when you were attacked. They must be desperate to know what happened to you, but now we have your real name we stand a good chance of being able to track them down.’
She leaned against him, drinking in the comfort of his strong body, and he drew her head into the hollow of his shoulder, stroking her hair and laying a gentle kiss on her forehead.
He was quiet for a while and then he asked, ‘Did Adam work at the hospital with you? Could he have been saying at some point that he was going to come and see you where you were living? Perhaps he and Rebecca were going to visit you before the accident happened?’
Sarah shook her head. ‘No. He worked as a sports instructor. That’s how he came to have a love of sailing and all things outdoors.’ Her voice broke. ‘Rebecca was perfect for him. Before Emily was born she worked as a physiotherapist, and she helped rehabilitate people with sports injuries.’
He ran his hand gently down her arm. ‘This has been a lot for you to take in. Why don’t you and Emily stay here for the night? I don’t think it would be good for you to be on your own, and I could get the spare bedroom ready for you. Emily could have the put-you-up bed next to yours, and then if she wakes up in the night, you will be there for her.’
She looked up at him. ‘Thanks. I’d like that. I really appreciate everything that you’re doing for me.’ She reached up and touched his face, running her fingers over his cheek. ‘I don’t know how I would have coped without you.’
‘I’ll help you to get through this,’ he said. He frowned. ‘Emily will need a lot of help, too, but in a way it’s good that she has been able to tell you what happened. It means that you can talk to her about it and help her through any worries she might have. Children cope much better than we imagine, and in a while this will be all in the past for her.’
‘Yes, there is that. Somehow I’m going to have to help her to lose her fear of water and boats, too. That’s going to take some doing.’
‘Maybe, but she’s a bright, lively little girl, and I’m sure we’ll find a way.’
Sarah clung on to that word ‘we’. It was such a small word, but it meant so much. Ben had told her that he would be by her side through all this, and she knew that she could rely on him. She also knew that he was haunted by the fact that there was still someone out there who might be looking for her…the man that she had worked with in A and E.
It grieved her that she couldn’t set the record straight. Why could she not remember anything about him? Why was her mind such a patchwork of memories?
For now, though, she didn’t want to dwell on that. There were other, more immediate concerns.
She did as Ben had suggested, and she and Emily stayed the night in his house, and in the morning she woke to the smell of fresh coffee and toast, filtering up the stairs from the kitchen.
‘Emily, sunbeam, it’s time for us to get up. You need to get ready for nursery.’
Emily yawned and rubbed her eyes. Then she sat up and looked around, taking in the strange surroundings. It was a pretty room, decorated in soft colours of pink and grey, with dashes of pale blue here and there. The carpet underfoot was thick and luxurious, and across the room the dressing-table was laid out with a selection of toiletries, hand lotion and suncream, along with a brush and comb and a delicate vase with scented rosebuds that filled the air with their perfume.
‘Where my teddy bear?’ Emily asked.
Sarah looked around. ‘There he is, on the floor,’ she said. ‘You must have pushed him out of bed in the night.’
‘Poor Teddy!’ Emily exclaimed, reaching down to pick him up and rain kisses over his face. She cuddled the bear, and then put her arms out to Sarah. ‘Love you, Mummy,’ she said.
Sarah swept her up into her arms. ‘Love you, too, loads and loads.’ She kissed her and then said, ‘Are you going to get washed and dressed, or shall I tickle you?’ She raised a hand and pretended that she was about to tickle the little girl.
Emily squealed happily and wriggled in her arms. ‘Not tickle, not tickle.’
Sarah set her gently down on the floor once more. ‘Are you sure?’ She wriggled her fingers and pretended to swoop, and Emily ran, giggling, into the adjoining bathroom.
The next few days passed easily enough, without anything untoward happening. Emily was her usual happy self, and whenever Sarah or Ben carefully brought up the subject of boats or her parents, she answered them solemnly and appeared to have accepted what had happened in the past. Perhaps her recent experience had been cathartic, and the worst was over for her now.
At the weekend Ben drove them to the bird sanctuary, as he had promised. It was a beautiful summer’s day, with a clear blue sky, and the countryside was in full bloom. Emily was singing softly to herself as they drove along, and Sarah was calm, looking forward to the day ahead.
When they arrived at the sanctuary, Ben lifted Emily onto his shoulders and slipped an arm around Sarah’s waist. She loved that familiar contact, and more than anything she wished that she could tell him how much she cared for him, but caution held her back.
She didn’t know whether there was someone waiting for her. She might have been married, or even engaged and planning a wedding, and though she had no feelings for anyone in the world but Ben, she had to keep in mind that her past was still uncertain. With all her being, she wanted nothing more than to be with Ben, but how could she do that and risk hurting this other man if he had feelings for her and she had simply cut him out of her life because of a head injury?
‘Did you see that?’ Emily said, raising her brows. ‘The owl turned his head right round. Did you see? Look, he’s doing it again.’
‘Perhaps he wanted to get a better look at you,’ Ben suggested.
‘I can�
��t turn my head right round,’ Emily said with a frown, straining to twist her head. ‘Funny bird.’
They walked around the sanctuary, taking the leafy pathways through the woodland and talking to Emily about the animals they saw. Sarah pointed out the sleek coats of the otters as they swam through the water, and the child watched in fascination.
‘Look,’ she said in wonder, ‘there’s a baby otter. He’s all furry.’
‘He’s beautiful,’ Sarah agreed.
They stopped for lunch, sitting at a wooden bench table outside the cafeteria, and Sarah breathed in the warm country air, sitting close to Ben while they watched Emily play on the grass with the other children.
He put his arm around her and she snuggled against him, giving in to temptation and trying to persuade herself that it wasn’t wrong to feel this way.
Some half an hour later they set off to find the pets’ corner, where Emily stroked the rabbits and guinea pigs and fed food pellets to the goats. Nearby there was a pond, and a family of ducks was swimming across the surface. Sarah broke up some bread left over from lunch and gave it to Emily so that she could throw it to them.
‘Gobble, gobble…quack, quack,’ Emily shouted gleefully as the ducks accepted her offerings. Laughing, she came back to Ben and Sarah.
‘Has all the bread gone?’ Ben said.
She nodded.
‘Then it’s probably time that we started for home.’
‘OK.’ A goat wandered across the paddock and started nudging Emily’s leg. She tried to pat him on the head then looked at Sarah. ‘Can we take the goat home? It could stay in our garden and eat the grass.’
Sarah rolled her eyes heavenward. ‘How am I going to get out of that one?’ she muttered to Ben.
He laughed. ‘Now, that’s tricky.’