by Jillian Neal
“Fionna, baby, wake up.” Dan sat up and tried to rouse her. “It’s all right. It’s just a dream.”
She gasped for breath, and her eyes flew open. She began sobbing. His heart shattered as he wrapped his long, overly-muscled arms tightly around her.
“Shh, baby. It’s okay. I’ve got you. It was just a dream.” He rubbed her back and wiped away a few of her tears.
Shuddering against him, Fionna nodded as her breath began to steady.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Halia!” She panicked again.
“She’s fine, Fi. Lay back. Let me feel her.”
Casting her quickly, Dan flooded his shield with soothing warmth. When she managed to calm slightly he locked onto Halia.
“See, she’s fine.” He felt the same strong steady rhythms. As Fionna calmed and her own heartbeat steadied, she was able to pick up on Halia once again.
Dan felt her body relax as the panic subsided.
“I’m sorry. I thought the medicine would help. I just can’t get my radar to stop freaking out.”
“What on earth are you sorry for?”
“These pregnancy dreams are kinda crazy.”
“Our life has been completely insane, honey! You’ve been through a lot lately.”
“You were right. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. Maybe I should go on to Kauai. I can’t seem to calm down. I’m a disaster. I’m afraid all the time. I can’t get my radar back to normal. I have this constant sense of dread, like something else terrible is going to happen.”
“I already checked the flights, baby. There isn’t a flight into LiHue until tomorrow afternoon. If you want to go, I will get you there, but I don’t think even on Gifted flights I could be back out here by Thursday afternoon. If you want go now, maybe Garrett could meet you in D.C. and fly on to Lihue with you.” Defeat and fury pulsed through him. Once again, some vicious, felonious pricks were keeping him from his family.
“I don’t want to go without you. Even Kauai isn’t home unless you’re there. And I am going to your mom’s thing Saturday night.”
If he couldn’t get her home, maybe he could bring some piece of home to her. He knew precisely what she’d meant. He would be happy on any street corner of the world as long as she was beside him.
“Hey.” He lifted her chin gently with his hand. “If you could do anything in the world right now, what would you want to do?” He wouldn’t let her fall again. He wouldn’t let her walk the fraying tightrope of fear and vulnerability. He would hold her tightly and he would never let her go again. “Anything at all.”
“Surf the North Shore off of Princeville.” She let her eyes close. He knew she was trying desperately to tap into her own rhythms to soothe her own soul, and her own spirit.
“You’re not gonna make this easy are you?”
A genuine laugh echoed from her, and Dan felt his tension ease from the sound alone. “How about a second choice? Maybe one that you and Halia can do together.”
“I don’t know.” Her shoulders drooped in wearied fear.
“How about if I see if I might be able to rustle us up some American style coffee, big cup lots of cream and sugar. And Fitz has this place all wired up with Wi-Fi, so how about several Romance novels to get your mind off of everything.”
“No, Dan, that would be rude. Fitz and Maddie invited us out here and have been so nice and hospitable, other than when their house was under siege.” She tried for a joke.
Dan shuddered from the memory of their harrowing night.
Suddenly, she couldn’t keep it locked inside anymore. She turned and buried her face in his chest and began to sob.
“Shh, baby. It’s ok.” He whispered as her heartbreak washed through his weary veins. “Talk to me, Fi.” He wouldn’t let her shut him out again. He couldn’t. They wouldn’t survive. Determination set in full force.
“Tell me anything. I want to know. Tell me you were terrified, and that you’re mad it happened, and that you’re mad at me. Believe me, you can’t possibly say anything worse than what I’ve been thinking all day. Just tell me you hate me and you hate what I’ve done to you.”
“No!” She convulsed. “I would never hate you. I’m not mad at you.” She continued to sob. “I just.” She dug her nails into his skin in desperation to cling to something that wouldn’t let her go.
“I hate basements!” She finally spat. “I hate being in basements when I’m pregnant! I hate them! I really, really hate them!” She fumed in fury and fear as they mixed in a volatile combination deep inside of her and then spewed forth violently.
“I was so scared!” fell from her lips in a heaving outpour of emotion.
“I know, baby.” He held her tightly. Her nails tore at his skin. He deserved the pain.
“I never thought anything could be worse than what I felt when you were at the Tantra and I wasn’t with you, but it was, it was worse. I couldn’t go to you because of Aida and I felt like something was ripping me apart. Everything inside of me came apart.”
He finally understood even just a modicum of what made his wife the extraordinary person that she was. Her greatest strength, her ability to love and to see the good all around her, was also her greatest weakness. Her inability to be with him when he was in danger and to be with their girls to keep them safe had frightened her more than even the thought of losing her own life.
Not certain what to say, he held her and let her cry, as he kept her tightly casted in his shield. She was a great Receiver, and he needed to be more than a shield. He needed to filter the world for her.
Receivers need to feel safe, and she’ll make you a better person if you let her. Rainer’s words from the hotel in Sydney, so long ago, seared through his mind.
“Fi, I don’t know what happened last night, baby, but I will figure this out. I will make our family safe if we have to move to an island all our own.”
“I know.” She scrubbed her hands over her face. The tears seemed to have been cathartic. They washed away a little of her fear and pain.
As he continued to tell her how sorry he was and vowed to do anything at all to keep her safe, a semblance of a smile made a return.
“Maybe let’s go downstairs and visit with Fitz and Maddie and check on Aida. If you can really make coffee appear in a big fat American mug with lots of cream and sugar, then you will forever be my hero.”
Dan gave her a loving smile. “Even if I have to drive back to D.C., I’ll get you coffee, baby. I will take care of you, Fionna. I will take care of all of my girls.” He prayed that she would believe in him, believe in them, and that she might find peace.
Dreams or Nightmares
As it turned out, Fitz was able to supply Fionna with a large mug of American coffee, as he preferred it to the stronger, richer, albeit smaller French roasts.
Dan made a quick trip to the small local market donning his hat and glasses again to acquire real cream, a few things Maddie wanted for dinner, a few French coloring books, and several paper doll books that he knew Aida would love.
After he returned to the beach house, he enjoyed a large mug of coffee with his wife while Aida methodically cut out paper dolls and outfits. She was overjoyed with her surprise.
Fionna helped her with a few of the more intricate pieces, and Fitz used the opportunity to discuss what he’d learned from the men and women they’d arrested last night.
“They all turned on the girl we took down in the entry way. Said she was the ringleader trying to get something started here, make some quick cash, and then spread it across Europe.
She heard if she could get past Paris Iodex she’d have it made. I didn’t know anything about her before she showed up in my foyer. As far as I know, we took the burgeoning organization out.”
“Yeah, but I still want to know how they knew you’d put out the warrants.” Dan was tired of Fitzroy’s excuses. He had a leak, and they needed to find it quickly.
“I’ve got three guys I’m watching, Dan. I�
��m not an idiot.”
“I know that.”
Fitz felt bad enough about what had happened. He didn’t need anymore guilt. Dan commanded himself to shut it.
Thunder rumbled in the distance and lightening fractured the sky out over the sea. Aida frowned and left her paper dolls to retrieve Sophie. She crawled into Dan’s lap.
“Even little Receivers don’t like storms.” Fionna whispered as Dan nodded his understanding.
Fitz tousled Aida’s hair and she gave him a slight grin, but the storm had her worried.
“Anyway, the girl’s name is Vythica Dietrech. She has a German accent, but licenses, birth records, everything say she’s from Belgium. She’s a piece of work; let me tell you. Oliver had her in the tank for two hours. She never cracked. She did however spit in his face.”
Fionna looked horrified, and Dan grimaced. “Maybe we could talk about this later.” He gestured his head to Aida who was curled up in her ball in his lap.
They ate a relatively low-key dinner while watching the storm wash over the house. With every clap of thunder, Aida shuddered and the color washed from her face. Dan couldn’t stand it. He seated her in his lap and slid her plate beside his.
“Fionna, you still look tired, love.” Maddie fussed.
“I’ll be all right. I think the baby just amplifies my radar. The medicine helps, but it wears off quickly. My panic attack has me on pins and needles as my Grandmother says. I just need to relax. I might take a bath tonight.”
“Of course. Zere is one in the bathroom upstairs. And I know precisely what you need! Zis will be perfect. Jean Paul, zis will fit with your plan as well.”
“What’s that, my love?” Fitz’s left hand hadn’t left his wife’s. She was drawing from him while they ate. Dan and Fionna pretended they didn’t notice.
“We will take zee boys to maman on Friday, while you and Dan are at the Parliament. Then Fionna and my sweet, Aida, and I will go to see Cosette!”
Whatever Cosette was, Maddie was thrilled with her idea.
Fitz smiled and nodded. “That is a good idea, Mad.”
Turning back to Fionna, Maddie smiled. “Cosette is a Gifted massage therapist. She gave me massages every week all through both of my pregnancies with the boys. She works at one of zee best spas in Paris. Zey vill take care of you while our husbands deal with this little disaster. You will feel like a whole new woman. After your massage and makeup, we’ll have lunch and go shopping.”
Fionna looked excited, and Aida lifted her head. “Is that what will be Mommy-Aida day?” she quizzed.
“Sure, baby. You can get your fingernails and toenails painted.”
The first broad, beaming grin he’d seen all day appeared on his daughter’s face.
Not wanting to rain on the proverbial spa parade, Dan debated how to explain to the two women that made his world spin that they were under no circumstances going to a spa and then to traipse around Paris completely unprotected, while he was in a courtroom all day.
Fitz gave him a knowing grin. “How about if I assign them an entire Elite team? They’ll be the best protected people in all of Europe.”
“Please.” Fionna begged.
“All right, but a full team. Four officers.” Dan agreed hesitantly.
“Come on, Aida. Lets go play.” Alex requested.
To Dan’s shock, Aida wiggled out of his lap. The kids seemed to have bonded over the ordeal the night before, and they’d stuck by each other playing for most of the day.
Thunder rent the sky once more, and Aida shuddered. “Don’t worry.” Alex pulled his arms up into a lifted flex. “I’m gonna keep working out like Uncle Dan, and my arms are gonna be as huge as his.” He informed her with a great deal of certainty.
Fionna and Maddie broke out in giggles. Fitz rolled his eyes. “When exactly did Alex start working out?”
Fionna quieted quickly as the children disappeared up the stairs. “Have you talked to the boys about last night?”
“A little.” Maddie offered Fionna a reassuring smile.
“We talked after we left the hospital last night.” Fitz soothed. “It’s probably easier for them because they’ve known what I do for a living since they were little. They know there are bad guys, and that I try to put them in prison. By the way, I’d say we all owe you a tremendous thanks, Fionna. I heard you crying when you raced into Alfred’s room, that’s how I got Dan the pistol so quickly.”
“Oh.” Fionna tried to force a smile. “It’s okay. I guess that’s sort of what I do.”
“Well, let’s hope you don’t have to do that ever again, and I also need to say thank you, because I know you’re the reason that Dan agreed to stay here with us. If it’d been up to him you and Aida would be on a plane to Kauai right now, and I’d be here with angry Dan. You’ve never seen angry Dan because you are the reason anti-angry Dan exists, but trust me he isn’t fun.”
Fionna cracked up. It was a sound that delighted Dan who was chuckling his agreement with Fitzroy’s assessment.
“I really think it’s best to just let the boys ask the things they want to know.” Maddie brought the conversation back to Fionna’s concerns. “Let Aida know that if she wants to talk, you want to listen, but try not to force too much information on her.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right.”
An hour later, Dan and Fionna gave Aida her bath. “You know, Daddy, what happened last night was pretty scary.” Fionna helped Aida dry off and rubbed her down with kukui oil.
“It was really scary.” Dan agreed as he guided Aida’s feet into her pajama bottoms.
“I didn’t know you got scared.” Aida whispered. She’d been gnawing on her lip and staring at her feet.
Dan lifted her sweet face with his hand, so he was staring into her deep brown eyes.
“I was scared, and it’s okay to be scared, baby. I’m so sorry about what happened last night.”
“Alex said his Daddy will get the bad guys, so they won’t be bad anymore. And I said I don’t want my Daddy to get bad guys anymore, and Alex said I was a chicken.” She huffed dejectedly. “But I don’t understand what that means.”
“I think maybe Alex was afraid, but he didn’t like how being afraid made him feel.” Fionna explained.
“Because it makes your tummy hurt?”
“Right.”
“Maybe he should talk to his Mommy and Daddy because they’ll make it better.”
“I’m sure he will.” Dan consoled her.
“I don’t want to think about it. I want it to go away.”
“I know, baby.” Dan and Fionna both wrapped themselves around her. “We’ll keep talking about it until you feel better, and when Daddy gets you to Kauai, I think it will start to go away.”
“What if I had been in my bed, and Halia hadn’t been in your tummy? What if she’d been in the baby room?”
Assuming that the baby room had been the nursery at the orphanage, Dan cradled Aida tighter.
“Then Daddy would have gotten Halia, and I would have gotten you, or I would have gotten Halia, and Daddy would have come for you. We would have made certain that you and Halia were safe. We always will.”
“I was worried about her.” Aida confessed.
Fionna tenderly brushed an errant hair behind her ear. “That’s because you’re such a good big sister.”
Dan laid down with Aida and kept his shield tucked around her until she was fast asleep.
Returning to the room he and Fionna were sharing, he let a few ideas of how he might help his wife relax run quickly through his mind. He peaked in the room Alex and Alfred were sharing and chuckled. Both boys were in the top bunk.
Easing into his room, he softly closed the door behind him. He was greeted with Fionna’s tender grin, but worry plagued her eyes. Sliding into bed beside her, he wished for the hundredth time that he could just take them on to Kauai where he was certain her rhythms would reset, and she’d be able to really relax.
“How about a bath, Mrs.
Vindico?”
“I don’t want to wake everyone.”
“The kids are exhausted, sweetheart. I checked on the boys on my way in here. They’re all out, so for a little while let me take care of you.”
She nodded hesitantly. “Maybe that would help.”
Reaching for her hand, Dan guided her up and into his arms. “You don’t have to hide it from me, baby. I can feel it. I know you’re not okay.”
Fionna nodded against him. “It’s like in my head I know that I’m safe and that the girls are safe, but my energy just won’t calm. I know there’s not some kind of horrible danger, but my rhythms are so agitated. It’s exhausting.”
“I’m sure it is, baby.”
“But I didn’t want to tell you because it makes it worse when you keep blaming yourself.”
Trying not to let her confession add to his guilt, Dan drew a deep breath. “How about this? I’ll try to stop blaming myself if you’ll let me help you get to feeling better, but you have to stop pretending that you’re okay.”
A whispered, “Okay,” slipped from her lips.
“How about that bath?”
Dan ran hot water into the tub in the Fitzroy’s guest bathroom. There was no showerhead, so the tub was well equipped for adults. He lifted the small, wooden crate from Fionna’s toiletry kit that contained all of the oils Tutu prescribed for baths.
He helped her undress and then lifted the small, brown glass bottles reading the remedies on each.
“Want some help?” Fionna offered.
“I’m trying to learn.”
She picked up four bottles from the box. “I’ve been doing this since I was a little girl, remember?”
“Lavender helps you relax. Geranium helps balance crazy hormones. Rosewood and frankincense help with anxiety. And ylang-ylang sort of helps if you’re overwhelmed or depressed.” She added the oils methodically to the water.
Dan felt his body seize. Thoughts of her eyes red and swollen, of the hollow sorrow that had been her only expression for the weeks before he’d killed Wretchkinsides, of her inability to eat or even carry on a conversation, of her sleeping, not only because she was pregnant, but because she was shutting out the world and shutting out him, made him feel sick.