He went downstairs to his study, shut the door and sat down, his hand clamped over his mouth as he finally gave in to the outpouring of grief that he’d bottled up since the day she married Pete.
All the chances he’d wasted, all the opportunities to tell her he loved her, to ask her out properly, to risk the ridicule he’d been afraid of and lay his heart on the line—dammit, he’d had her in that hotel room and OK, she’d been going out with Pete by then, but only just. They didn’t mean that much to each other then, he could have told Em how he really felt, stopped her relationship with Pete from developing any further, made love to her.
But he hadn’t. He’d said nothing, and she’d left his room, and three years down the line she’d married Pete and he’d lost her then for ever.
Except he hadn’t, because he’d always been there for her, and now she was back in his life, giving up everything to help him, and if he did nothing then he’d risk the chance that she’d marry him for the same reason she’d married Pete. Out of kindness, and selflessness.
And he didn’t want that. He wanted all of it. He wanted Emily, heart and soul and mind and body, and he didn’t have the slightest clue if that was even a possibility...
* * *
Why wouldn’t he talk to her?
She wasn’t drunk. OK, she’d had a couple of glasses of Prosecco and she wouldn’t want to operate, but she wasn’t drunk, and she didn’t believe he was, either.
But the way he’d looked at her on the dance floor, the way he’d kissed her, the burning longing in his eyes—was that a man who didn’t want her? Unless he was just doing what she’d accused him of before and letting his lust get the better of him?
Did he lust after her? She didn’t know. She didn’t think so, but there had been times—like when they’d been watching Titanic and she’d snatched the popcorn. And when she’d caught him naked in the kitchen. And that night when he’d come home late. He’d kissed her then, and if he hadn’t been so tired maybe—She didn’t know, but there’d been something there in his eyes, and it hadn’t looked like lust to her, it had looked like—
Love?
No. If he’d loved her, he would have said so. He did, all the time, and he meant it, but not in that way. Not in the way she wanted him to mean it.
Unless...
No. Maybe she was drunk. Drunk and deluded and trying to convince herself he really cared when he was just a normal man with needs and desires, stuck in a house with a passable woman and with no other relationship on the go.
Idiot. She was an idiot, but she was too tired and too emotional to tackle him again tonight. She’d talk to him tomorrow in the cold light of day and make him talk to her. It was time she got her feelings for him out into the open.
She swiped the tears off her face, rolled onto her side and fell into an uneasy and restless sleep.
* * *
She found him in the kitchen.
She’d woken in a tangled heap of dress, her hair knotted, but his bedroom door had been open and his bed hadn’t been slept in, so she’d gone downstairs and found him slouched back in a chair, his eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot seeking her out like lasers.
She didn’t suppose she looked any better.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said heavily. ‘I didn’t mean to make you cry, I just—’
‘Didn’t want to talk to me?’
‘No. I did want to talk to you, but if I’d let you into my room, we wouldn’t have talked, Emily. Not last night, not after that dance.’
‘Why wouldn’t we have talked?’
A humourless little laugh escaped from his chest. ‘You really need me to spell it out?’
She walked round the table and sat down next to him, hitching one foot up and resting it on the edge of her chair, wrapping her arms around it as she sought out his eyes again.
‘Maybe, because I really thought you wanted me, and then you shut the door and suddenly I didn’t know any more.’
He let out a ragged sigh and raked his hand through his hair, then looked back at her. ‘I did want you. I do—but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live a lie. I can’t let you marry me just for the children, trap you into a sham of a marriage when you could be free to find someone you really love, instead of yet another compromise that has to be doomed to failure! And I can’t do it to you, my love. I can’t.’
‘Why, if it’s what I want?’
‘Because I love you too much to do that to you!’
Emily stared at him, stunned by his outburst.
She’d thought her love was one-sided, because apart from the occasional awkwardness he’d been nothing but her best friend, but now all that was stripped away and she could see the truth in his distraught face, his wild eyes, the love she could see so clearly written all over him.
‘Why is it doomed to failure?’ she asked numbly, wondering if she’d totally missed the point.
‘Oh, God, Em, of course it is! I’d do anything for you, anything—but not this. I can’t let you do this again, I can’t let you marry the wrong man for the wrong reasons, even if we have to find another way to guarantee security for the children, because it would just be wrong and you deserve more than that. You said nothing would change, but it has, because I’ve finally realised just how much I love you, how much I’ve always loved you, and I love you way, way too much to ask this of you. You mean everything to me, and I want it all, and that’s not fair on you.’
His hand reached out, trembling, and cupped her cheek, his thumb brushing away a tear she hadn’t even known she’d shed.
She lifted her hand and laid it over his against her cheek, turning her face to press a kiss into his palm. ‘I wouldn’t be marrying the wrong man, or for the wrong reasons,’ she said softly. ‘I’d be marrying the right man, the man I should have married years and years ago.’
She reached out, resting a hand against his chest, feeling the pounding of his heart beneath her fingers.
‘I love you, Jacob Stratton. I think I’ve probably loved you for ever. I just never let myself admit it because it was never the right time. I started to realise years ago, after that wedding, but there was a bit of me that didn’t want to be one of the endless women who spent one night with you and then got dumped.’
‘I only dumped them because they weren’t you,’ he said softly, and she stared at him, searching his eyes and finding nothing but sincerity.
‘But—you’d never looked at me like that before, and I thought it was just because of the drink and the atmosphere and the dancing, so when I got the text from Pete I got cold feet. I should have stayed, and then who knows what would have happened?’
‘Who knows? I just know that there’s never been another woman who made me feel like you do.’
She sat up straighter. ‘Really? Is that why you’ve never married, never settled down with anyone in all this time? Because of me?’
He reached out a hand and laid his palm against her cheek again, his fingers curling under her jaw, his thumb idly tracing her lips. ‘Maybe. I think it must be. I didn’t realise, perhaps, but no one’s ever measured up to you, and by the time I realised how I felt, you were with Pete, and then he was diagnosed with cancer and I had to walk you down the aisle so you could give your life to him for what was left of his, and it broke my heart, Em. That’s why I was always there for you, doing what I could to help, supporting you while you supported him, being there for you in the only way I could.’
A tear trickled out of the corner of his eye, and she reached out and wiped it away tenderly. ‘Oh, Jake. I’m so sorry. I wish I’d known, but if I’d ended it with Pete, do you think we’d still have been together?’
He gave a slow, ragged sigh and shook his head. ‘I don’t know, but I couldn’t wish now that things had been any different because that would mean you didn’t have Zach and I didn’t have Matilda, and I couldn’t wish them
away.’
‘No. No, neither could I, but we’ve got two beautiful, wonderful little children, and fate’s given us a second chance and maybe it’s time to take it. Maybe now’s our time, at last? I’ve waited long enough for you, Jake. Please don’t make me wait any longer. Take me to bed? Do what you should have done fifteen years ago, and make love to me?’
She saw the hope flare in his eyes, the realisation that she meant it, and with a ragged groan he closed his eyes and let his breath out on a long, shaky sigh.
‘Emily,’ he said, his voice cracking, and then he cupped her cheeks between his trembling hands and kissed her as if she was the most precious thing in the world.
And then he lifted his head and stared into her eyes, and she felt as if she could see to the bottom of his soul. ‘You’re right, Em,’ he said softly. ‘It is our time now, and we’re meant to be together. Will you marry me? Not because of the children, but because you love me, and I love you? We’ve waited far, far too long and I need you. I need you so, so much. Marry me, Emily—please? Make us a proper family?’
‘Oh, Jake, yes, my love, yes—’ Her eyes filled, his face blurring as she reached up and touched it, felt the rasp of stubble against her palm, the warmth of his skin, the dampness of tears on his cheek.
She drew his head down and touched her lips to his. ‘Make love to me, Jake,’ she murmured. ‘Show me how much you want me.’
He lifted his head and stared into her eyes, and then he stood up and pulled her to her feet and led her upstairs to his room and closed the door.
‘I love you, Em. Don’t ever forget that,’ he murmured, and then, his hands gentle, he turned her round. She felt the soft huff of his breath against her skin as he pulled the last of the pins out of her hair and sifted it through his hands, easing out the tangles, and then he swept it aside and pressed his lips to her shoulders, nuzzling against her. She felt his mouth trail down, felt his fingers on the zip, his lips following the line of it down her spine to the small of her back, his breath leaving a trail of heat that threatened to engulf her.
The dress slipped off her shoulders, cascading to the floor in a heap of crumpled silk and petticoats, and she stepped out of it and turned to watch him as he kicked away the last of his clothes and reached for her.
‘I love you,’ he said again, cradling her face in his hands and touching his lips to hers. ‘I want you.’ Her mouth caught fire, and she gasped, opening to him, feeling the sweep of his tongue, the tender bites as he toyed with her lips, the heat spreading low as his hands moved, tracing her body, unerringly seeking out the places that made her legs tremble and her mind go numb.
‘Jake, please—’
He lifted her, laying her on the bed and moving over her, one leg wedged between hers as his mouth moved down her body and found her breasts.
‘Do you have any idea,’ he said unsteadily, ‘how erotic it is watching you breastfeed?’ And then his mouth closed over her nipple, his tongue teasing it until it peaked, then sharing the love with the other one while his hand tracked lower, sliding over her hip, across the bowl of her pelvis, down—
‘Jake!’
‘Shh,’ he murmured, his fingers touching her with devastating accuracy, seeking out all those hidden places that were weeping for him.
‘Jake, please—’
He moved over her then, his hands cradling her face as he stared down into her eyes. ‘I love you, Emily,’ he said again, and then he was there with her, moving slowly, wringing every last ounce of torment out of her until finally, finally he let her free, driving into her, taking her over the edge and falling with her, sobbing her name against her shoulder as his body shuddered with the force of his climax.
And as the last shock wave died away, he lifted his head and kissed her tenderly, and it felt as if she’d finally come home.
* * *
He lay on his back, Emily draped over him, their hands clasped on his chest.
‘I love you,’ he said softly, for what must be the hundredth time or more, and she lifted her head and kissed him, her mouth warm and gentle against his.
‘I think I’ve got that now,’ she said, and he could feel her smile against his lips. ‘You’ve been saying it for years, but I never dreamt you meant this way. I wish I had, because I’ve loved you so long, I’ve leant on you so hard, and you’ve never failed me, never let me down, never questioned it.’
‘How could I, Em? You were in an impossible situation with Pete. Jean told me how he leant on you, and that you just took it on your shoulders without a murmur. How could I do any less than that for you, especially by the end?’ He sighed unsteadily. ‘Did you know Pete asked me to look after you and keep you safe?’
‘No, I didn’t. I wonder if he realised how we both felt? He asked me more than once how come I hadn’t ended up with you instead of him.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. I just laughed it off, said I couldn’t live with your untidiness, but maybe he saw through that. Maybe he saw how much you cared for me, and how much I needed you. Perhaps that why he asked you to look after me and the baby at the end, because he knew we belonged together. Maybe he had a fit of conscience, who knows? And we never will, but I wouldn’t be surprised. He wasn’t a bad man, just terrified of what was to come and too scared to tackle it alone. I can’t blame him.’
‘No. Who knows what any of us would be like in that situation? I felt so sorry for him, and I’ve been feeling racked with guilt every time I’ve seen that picture of him in your room, every time I’ve seen Zach look at me with Pete’s eyes, knowing how I felt about you, what I wanted. Yes, I was keeping you safe, but not for his sake, and maybe not even for the children’s. Perhaps they were just a convenient excuse, a way I could justify keeping you by my side.’
She shook her head. ‘You would never do that. You’ve been worried about Tilly for over two years. I had nothing to do with that.’
‘Not in that way, no, but maybe I was guilty of using you.’
‘No. No more than I was using you. Everything we’ve set up so far, like the job and the childcare and so forth, has all been for the right reasons. Even if we hadn’t loved each other in this way, Jake, we would have done it. I would have married you for their security, and you would have married me, and it would have been fine. And instead of that, it’s going to be amazing.’
He shifted his head so he could look into her eyes. ‘Can I tell you what’s amazing? To hold you like this, to touch you, to learn your body, to feel you touching mine, to know how much you care, how much you love me, how much you want me. I didn’t believe in love—not like this. And making love to you—I’ve never felt anything remotely like this before and I don’t quite know how to handle it.’
‘Neither do I, but you’ve done a pretty good job so far,’ she said, a smile teasing her lips.
He smiled back at her and ran his hand through her hair, sifting the pale gold strands through his fingers. ‘Your hair’s so soft. I’ve had fantasies about you trailing it all over my chest—’
‘Like this?’ she murmured, moving over him and sending his pulse rate into orbit.
‘Just like that,’ he breathed, and then her mouth found his again and silenced him.
* * *
They were married two months later, in a quiet ceremony in the register office in Yoxburgh with only close family and friends present.
Jean and Duncan were there, of course, together with his parents and brother, and of course the close-knit friends who’d supported them all the way—Ben and Daisy, Nick and Liv, the others from the coffee group with their husbands—and afterwards they went back to their house for drinks and a wonderful spread put on by the coffee ladies at their insistence.
She was wearing a simple dress in a soft oyster cream—not a traditional wedding dress by any stretch of the imagination, but it suited her, and he thought he’d never seen he
r look so radiant.
He slipped his arm round her and gave her a quick squeeze, and she turned her head and kissed him. ‘I think they want you to make a speech,’ she said, but he just shook his head.
‘No way,’ he began, but then he changed his mind and found a spoon to tap against a glass.
‘Ladies and gentlemen,’ he said, his arm still firmly round her waist, ‘I don’t know how much any of you know about us, so I thought it might be time to fill you in, starting with how we met.’
‘Jake, you can’t!’ she squealed, but he just laughed and carried on.
‘It was freshers’ week, and I’d been led astray by some guys who thought it would be really funny to take all my clothes off and handcuff me to the railings outside the halls of residence. And there I was, at six o’clock in the morning, when this gorgeous girl came running out of halls dressed in skin-tight Lycra, her blonde hair flying. And she ran towards me, slowed right down and stopped, and then she laughed.’
A chuckle ripped through their guests, and Emily groaned as he went on.
‘She gave me a lecture, laughed a bit more, then she took the key which was taped to the fence and unlocked me, handed me my clothes and took me for breakfast. We were eighteen, and for the last—wow—almost twenty-one years we’ve been the best of friends. She’s so good a friend she dropped everything to help me when I needed her, and then she suggested we should get married and I said no, because she’s too generous, too kind, too selfless—’
His voice cracked, and she took his hand and squeezed it, and he carried on.
‘But then things changed, and we finally both came to our senses and realised just how much we love each other. There are people here partly responsible for that change, so I have some people to thank, and I want to start with Jean. You know why, Jean. You know what for, and how much I owe you for that. How much we both owe you, so thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And I want to thank our colleagues, for making Em so welcome in a really difficult situation, especially Ben, who moved heaven and earth to fix our job share and make it all possible. Although actually, Ben, we need to talk about that,’ he added, with a wink at Emily, ‘because there will have to be some changes in a few months’ time and Daisy might have to come out of retirement and pick up a little of the slack.’
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