I fell back on his bed and smiled at the ceiling. I would never grow tired of his hunger. Without it there was only starvation.
“Let me know when you’re ready.”
I imagined doing this three more times. Sweat broke out across my skin and the flames racing over us were choking. “I’m ready.”
In answer, he slipped one more black orb into my pussy, forcing the first one deeper inside of me. I gasped at the pressure. It was unforgiving and hard, forcing my tightness to make room. He must’ve sensed my inability to move, because his fingers took over, slowly massaging my clitoris in wet erotic circles. The balls began to push out, but he forced them back in, sending me into a damaging storm. I was quivering and my eyes wouldn’t open, but he slipped in one more ball.
His fingers continued their massage. His tongue shot out to lick my perineum, making my breaths so heavy and wanton, I knew I’d never want to take another. Every muscle in my body seized in preparation. When the storm rained down on me, I screamed, aflame in the clouds.
Taking advantage of my pliant state, he fought my tightness to fit the fourth ball. But there wasn’t enough room for the third, let alone for more. And since the balls weren’t him, and I didn’t need to take them all, I tried to tell him no by closing my legs.
“Another time,” he relented, his deep voice amused. “Open your legs wide and push them out.”
I fanned my legs apart. “This is invasive.”
Laughing quietly, he placed a kiss right above my clit. “What do you expect when all the walls come down?”
I rolled my eyes tiredly. “Not four Kegel balls in my pussy.”
“You must change your expectations then, my queen.” There was a movement around me, and then silence. When he returned, he fell onto the bed beside me and gathered me in his arms. “We’ll start living in my side of the kingdom.”
I threw my leg over his waist, nodding drunkenly. Right now, I’d give him my heart dripping and bleeding.
“We’ll make this our home.”
Another nod.
“You’ll be happy, won’t you, my queen?”
Guilt assaulted me. It was a feeling I thought would leave once my walls had, but I’d opened the door out of here, and it was back. “There hasn’t been much room for happiness.”
He sighed into my hair. “I know,” he agreed. “But there can be. You make me happy. I want to do the same.”
“You’re making me happy right now.” I squeezed my eyes shut against the guilt. The mirror door haunted me. I kissed his chest. “Really happy a minute ago.”
“Hmm,” he rumbled, nuzzling my hair.
But he needed to know something. If he was going to throw out his medicine and forever block out reality, then I had to keep it mind. “But you have to remember something.”
He said nothing; his body stiffened.
I quickly continued. “This isn’t a house. This isn’t a relationship. This isn’t …” I struggled to articulate what was missing. “Sane.”
“This again?” He sat up, leaving me falling behind him. “What do you want me to do, Kinley? We have no choice.”
“If you want this to be a home, you have to make it one.” I sat up, glaring at his back. “You can’t just shove Kegel balls in my pussy and think that’s all I need from you.” Handsome pervert.
He paused on his way out of the room. Turning around, he looked confused suddenly. But his eyes were still red, and not everything in his gaze was stumped. “You want more from me?”
“Maybe,” I admitted.
“More what?”
“More … normal?” I shrugged. “More love? More smiles and less tears? I don’t know, Dash.”
“More romance?” he said, deep tone low.
“I don’t know why I’m asking. I don’t even know what romance is.”
“Me neither.” He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall, eyes grave. “You want more, my queen?”
Despite my inability to fully understand what exactly “more” I wanted, I nodded, looking at him through my lashes. “Yes.”
“What kind of king would I be if not the doting type?” He forced a smirk, and then pushed away from the wall, calling over his shoulder. “Meet me at the bar when the sun sets.”
“Where are you going?”
“To the hawks.”
That he was going to talk to Brogan without me, made me uneasy. Those two men knew where we were, they had ties to the MK Gang, and there was no reason for them to be loyal to me. Dash was trusting them with a lot. And Dash had only trusted me to act the way he assumed I would. What if Brogan and Fillan were simply doing exactly what he assumed they’d do?
I grabbed my shorts in a panicked rush, pulled them on, and then went down the hall and past the workout room, for his office door. That I ignored the treadmill unnerved me. When I thought of getting on it, it strangely didn’t feel like I was running away from anything anymore. I had a sense it would feel more like something was chasing me. To distance myself from the feeling, I increased my steps. But voices stopped me.
“Is she really worth this?” Brogan asked. “You’re done forever. For the rest of your life you’re running. Her too. I’m in a shitty hotel room with seagull shit all over the windows because of one little blonde. No, Dash!” he roared. “She is only one woman. One. I’m losing my mind over here. No pussy, not a single person I know. Fillan isn’t any damn help. He can entertain himself with his own fucking shadow. I was done with the family. But I wasn’t done living my life.”
“She is worth everything.” Coldness leaked from his tone. “If you want to take off, go. I can do it on my own.”
“No you can’t. You’re too damn smart to do this on your own. The MK’s don’t operate on intelligence. They operate on blood and evil.” Brogan sounded resolved. “Love is a lot to throw your life away for.”
“What life? Without her, there is no life.”
Brogan’s sigh was muffled, but it still drifted through the door. “Then I’m in. But know this. That you’re making me choose her over you, is something I will never forgive you for.”
“Thank you, Bro.”
Tears blocked my eyes. I blinked them away. I didn’t know what exactly that conversation meant, but I didn’t feel comforted the way Dash did.
“In other news, you’re impossible when you’re not getting laid.”
A throaty laugh sounded through the door. “Yeah, well, I don’t have a fly little bird locked in a cage like you. How’s that going?”
Something made Dash laugh. “I just picked her life over my own, so pretty damn good.”
I rolled my eyes.
Brogan groaned. “How is that fair? You have all the pussy you want and I’m here stuck with my right hand like a sixteen-year-old.”
“Remind me to shake your left.”
“I wipe my ass with my left.”
Dash grunted. “You’re a caveman.”
I cracked a smile at the treadmill. That was twice Brogan made Dash more human.
“I grew up in a dumpster. What do you expect? On another note, I’m going out tonight. I’m burying my face in tits and going balls deep until they disappear. Don’t be a hypocrite. You can’t have a woman like that in your bed all night and tell me what to do. Over and out, shrimp dick.”
It was silent for a second. “You can come in now.”
I grinned to myself. “He’s obviously never seen you naked.” His security room was how he’d left it. The monitors adorned above his black desk were all blank, and he sat at his desk, eyes unimpressed.
“I’d like to keep it that way.”
I shrugged, dragging my finger over the top of his desk. “Why am I more important than you?”
“That’s the way it is. There is no argument I will consider.” He brought his keyboard close and one of the monitors in front of him came to life.
I wondered if that was the same for me. Keeping the hunger in his eyes was far more important than keeping it in mine, and no ar
gument he gave me would make me reconsider. “Do you really trust Brogan and Fillan?”
He frowned at the screen, tapping away on his keyboard. “Of course.”
“They could betray us.”
“They won’t.” So sure. So confident.
“You have nothing to be confident about. You’ve even said that the MK’s make deals. What if they figure out Brogan and Fillan’s price?”
“I already did.” He hadn’t taken his eyes off the screen. Nothing I said made an impact. “There are candles in the stockroom. Please go and get them. Take the blanket off my bed as well. And put on one of the dresses I bought you.”
“Why?”
He finally met my eyes. “We’re going on a date.”
23.
The Untarnished Parts
The long-stemmed candles barely fit in my arms.
I set them all on the sofa, and then returned to the stockroom, grabbing the holders that had been beside them. The long stems were the color of cream, and the holders were glass and wrapped in plastic. I tore at them for something to do. Otherwise I feared my reaction. I hadn’t denied his plans, because I’d wanted more, and fulfilling his wishes somehow made my own easier to accept.
What are you going to wear?
I glared at the glass holders, viciously ripping at the plastic encasing them. “Shut up,” I whispered.
Nothing?
With a growl, I left the candles where they were. To defy my doubt, I headed into my closet. There was no surprise that in the back resided dresses I imagined had no place in this kingdom. Dash had only included them for me. It felt like I was dressing up. But wasn’t that what queens did? They dressed the part, sat beside the king, and reigned the only way they knew how. By donning their crown.
The illusion was taking me over. I let all of the imaginings have their way with me as I donned a floor-length gown. It was strapless and colored a deep purple plum. It hugged my curves all the way down to hips, and then flared to drape over what was left of my ass; I’d lost too much weight. With shaking hands, I glided into the bathroom and did my hair. When I was done, it flowed down my back in golden waves. I searched through drawers for makeup, frowning when I located none. I hadn’t wanted it before. Dressing up in this nightmare hadn’t been on my mind. Now I was wearing my costume, and makeup hid the truth.
The door was burning me.
So obvious.
So there.
Leave.
“No,” I whispered.
Unable to breath, I forced myself to look us in the eye. The doubt, me, the everything I wasn’t and the little I was. My lungs struggled to pull in oxygen. The door was a glaring dark passageway on my right.
Take it.
I shook my head.
Where’s the lipstick?
Trembling, I turned on my bare feet, a dark queen reflected in the mirrors. My purple gown floated after me. I left my bedroom just as the sun began to set behind the lower buildings. The snow had snuffed out most of the light, but what little remained was pitiful. Like so many parts of me.
“You look lovely in purple.”
I turned to find Dash standing behind me. Dressed in an all-black suit, hair styled, face shaved. Tall, dark, and handsome. So gorgeous my heart shattered. So much man my thighs quivered. He was a king in his own robe, and all I wanted was to sit beside him in our throne. What exit? I didn’t want the exit. I only wanted him.
“I’m not lovely.”
He set down a bottle of something brown on the bar, and came for me. His bare feet silenced his approach. But I didn’t need a sign. I was looking at the storm. He grasped my face between his large hands, smelling thickly of something sweet and woodsy. The smell of it was mouthwatering. It replaced every breath I’d taken of his other cologne.
“You are all that is lovely in this world.” His lips caressed me; the gold of his eyes devoured me. “You are what is lovely in mine.”
“I can’t breathe.” The guilt, something I’d mastered over the years, was eating me alive.
“You’d better figure it out.” One more measured kiss. “I want to take your breath away.”
I stared at him. I let out a breathless laugh, earning a knowing smile from him. “Cheese.”
He winked. “And brandy.” Releasing me, he stepped away and reclaimed the glass bottle he’d left on the counter. “Sit,” he ordered, nodding over our shoulders. “I’ll bring glasses.”
I followed his orders to find that the blankets from his bed, along with the pillows, were in a cocoon on the floor near the front windows. I padded barefoot to the fortress, and sank down, situating a pillow on my lap. Behind me, the lights dimmed. Dark blue light from a cold night filtered in. It was so much more. Beauty embracing the darkness, everything I was feeling. Dash folded his legs beside me and sat, holding two mugs as he poured small amounts of brandy into each.
“Sip this. It isn’t to be chugged.”
“Oh, yeah?” I swirled the contents in the mug, inhaling the deep rich sting. And like the queen I was, I tossed it back, swallowing it all with one chug. “Ahh,” I groaned, wiping my mouth off on the back of my hand.
He stared at me, and then proceeded to pour himself a glass in intended silence. “I was only able to obtain one bottle. It was expensive, and we won’t have money forever.”
I held my glass out anyway. “I promise to enjoy it this time.” It was good, tasting of dried fruits and spice. It coated my tongue and throat, burning my insides as snow fell on the other side of the window.
“You enjoy what you want.” He poured the russet hued alcohol into my mug with a steady hand.
“I don’t really like drinking. Wine, maybe. But I’ve never enjoyed being drunk.” I crossed my legs and gazed at him from the warmth of the brandy.
He gazed back. “Why not?”
“It’s hard to run when you’re not sober.” I took a small sip, swirling the spicy liquid in my mouth.
“It’s hard to run period.”
“Hmm,” I agreed, noncommittal. “You enjoy drinking.”
“I do.” To prove it, he took a long swallow, licking the sheen from his bottom lip.
“Why?”
“It’s easier to be me when I’m drunk.”
I slid closer to him. “You can’t blame everything on you. You’re mentally ill, yes, but that isn’t your fault. You father treated you unfairly, and opened you up to horrible things, and that isn’t your fault either. Granted, you can’t walk around blaming everyone for everything, but you can’t blame yourself either.”
He stared into his glass. “You’re not talking about the present.”
“No,” I admitted. “I’m not. This tower is your illness. I understand its presence,” I quickly continued when his teeth gritted. “But you know that. That’s why you built an exit. I’m talking about your life before this. It still exists in here.”
“Hmm,” he agreed, noncommittal, giving me a sharp sideways glance.
On an empty stomach, the brandy was in my blood quickly. I slid closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder. “Kiss me?”
With a small smile, he looked down at me. “You’re intoxicated. I’m pretty sure that’s taking advantage of you.”
I snorted. “And putting a sleeping agent in my coffee was okay?”
His face fell and his body pulled away from mine. “It was only a sedative. I took benzodiazepines when I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t a horse tranquilizer.” He looked sadly into his brandy. “You wouldn’t have made it out to your car before needing a nap. I’d come in to your house, carry you to the car, and you’d wake up here. But it didn’t work out that way. I’m wondering now if Denny gave me a hard time to distract me. If it hadn’t been for Brogan and Fillan being with me you’d be—” He swallowed hard. He outstretched his arm, eyes shadowed and haunted. I tucked myself against his body. “You and me, Kinley.”
“You and me,” I whispered.
“I’d do anything to save you. Anything.” The conviction
in his voice overshadowed the obvious emotion behind it all. Regret. Dash regretted letting his illness take part in his escape plan.
A small shred of resentment over how I woke up here left me. I kissed where the collar of his suit touched. “I forgive you.”
Finally, he gave me what I’d asked for. He kissed me. The taste of brandy intensified in my mouth. His tongue was spicy and hot, making my toes curl in the blankets. I blindly set my mug down to touch his fresh-shaven face. He must have as well, because his other hand wrapped around me to hold my lower back. He urged me forward on to his lap, where the heat of his tongue devoured me. His lips were spice and fruit, this overwhelming softness that left me starving. My heart hammered in my cheat. My fingers entangled with his hair. This was so much more, I couldn’t imagine wanting anything else.
“Truth?”
I nodded against his lips.
“You’re happy. Right now. In this moment. I am all you need.” His eyes churned liquid gold and wanting.
I held his face and poured my love right back to him. “I’m happy. Right now. In this moment. You are all I need.” That was all true. Every single word. But I was hiding something, and reminding him he was all I needed comforted me. Because I could leave. But I wouldn’t. Not unless Dash left with me.
I fought him, but that’s what I did. I fought to hide the parts of me I didn’t know and the parts I didn’t want.
I’d claimed my throne, and there was no way I’d abandon someone who finally gave me a reason to want to stand, on two feet, and not look back at all of the time I spent floating.
I climbed down off his lap and reclaimed my mug, warm and boneless. After I finished, I held it out for more. When he hesitated, I pouted. “Come on. It’s just brandy.”
“Expensive brandy. After we’re free of this kingdom, we will have to live …” He cringed. “Carefully. At least until we can restart our lives somewhere else.”
For the first time, I imagined later. “I don’t mind carefully. I’ve never been rich, remember? I know how to stretch a dollar.”
“You deserve to have everything you want.”
“Maybe it isn’t about that. For me.” I held my glass out when he wiggled the bottle. “Denny flashed his money, and I followed his every order. I didn’t have money before him, and I think I’d like it that way after him too. You’ve been rich your entire life.” He cringed when he said carefully. Not me.
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