by Mel Ballew
“Happy birthday.” A soft voice strokes my ear as cold hands reach around my waist and inches under my shirt.
I turn to face Ren. “Thank you.” I place my hands over hers. “Your fingers are freezing. Are you cold, babe?” Rubbing mine over her small ones, I try my best to warm them. Ren shakes her head as she nestles her body closer to mine and rests her head on my chest.
“Nah, not really. I mean, it is December. It’s snowing outside, and I’m a little chilly, but I shouldn’t be this cold. We’re inside, and it’s warm in here. I don’t understand why my hands feel like ice cubes. It’s crazy.” She lifts her head and looks up at me. A devious grin spans her face. “So, I was thinking…” Her words trail off as she bats her eyelashes at me.
Knowing exactly where this is going, anticipation consumes me. I swallow hard. “Oh, you were, huh? We can go wherever you want. Let’s just hang for a little while longer before we take off. Just, you know, my mom went through a lot to throw this party. I don’t want to upset her.”
“Yeah, that’s totally fine. I can’t wait,” Ren answers as she smiles up at me.
I lean forward, caressing her hair with my lips. Lost in thought of being alone with her later, I breathe her scent.
At once, Tom’s voice blares through the DJ’s microphone and interrupts my racing thoughts.
“May I have your attention, please? We would like to thank each of you for coming out tonight to join us in celebrating the lives of two of the most amazing kids any parents could have ever asked for.” Seeking us out among the party attendees, he makes direct eye contact with Elle and me. He smiles, and then continues speaking, his words directed to us. “Happy birthday. Your mom and I are so incredibly proud of the two of you. We know this is a very special birthday for you both, and it signifies a major turning point in your lives. As you both become responsible young adults – driving young adults. Therefore, it is with immense pleasure that we take this time to give you your gifts.”
Mom steps past him and makes her way over, two small, perfectly wrapped gifts in her hands. Oversized, well-manicured silk bows adorn each box and the long ribbons drape over the edges. Elle looks at me and I return the look of curiosity.
She hands me a silver foil wrapped box with a large navy bow, and Elle the gold one with the big red bow. Again, we look at each other at the exact same time. This isn’t anything atypical for us. I mean, we are twins, so we’re used to being in sync, but this time is different from being on a simultaneous birth-related wavelength.
After a few brief seconds, we open our gifts. Inside each lies a set of keys. Elle snatches the key ring and lets it slide down her forefinger, drops the empty package, and raises both hands over her mouth, squealing the entire freaking time. As she jumps up and down, she repeats, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.” The clang of the key knocking against the metal ring sounds identical to a doorbell.
Me? Well, I’m in total shock. First, I glance at Elle, then to Tom, who grins next to Mom. When our eyes meet, I see hers fill with water, overjoyed with emotions. Pride and love are the most evident.
“Go on, you two. Your presents await you in the driveway,” she encourages.
Elle takes off first and I am right behind her. Everyone else follows suit. By the time my feet hit the front porch, I hear her. From Elle’s screeches, I can already tell she approves.
“Eeek! Look, Tucker! It’s red, just like I asked for,” she proclaims, hopping around with excitement.
Beside her red BMW sits a navy blue Jeep, just like I’ve wished for. In fact, I don’t even know how they knew I wanted it. It’s shiny and new, and now belongs to me. I’m not a girl, but I want to jump up and down like my twin is doing right now. I don’t though, because inside, I hear his voice, my birth father’s voice from the grave, reminding me that boys don’t show emotion. “Suck it up, boy.” His voice, loud and stern, stamps into my memory. I hear it now as if he’s standing right next to me. He is dead. Yet, the fear he provokes within me is not.
I do my best to shake off his hold. I force a semi-smile across my face and manage my way over to hug Tom and mom. As I embrace my mom, I excuse myself from the party and tell them I am taking the new ride for a spin, but I won’t be too long.
Minutes later, Ren and I are off in my new Jeep. As we drive to the park, one of our favorite places to be alone together, she reaches for my hand. “It’s okay, Tuck. You aren’t that little boy anymore. It’s your birthday. It’s time to celebrate life, and you. You are so much more than the haunting fear.”
I glimpse at her, baffled. I mean, how could she know what was going through my head back there? All I can do is raise her one hand to my mouth and brush it with a light, appreciative kiss. I keep my head straight and drive, and my heart rate slows down. Once more, Ren calms my nerves.
“I know. And I also know you are the best gift ever given to me, Ren. You make me better. You make me want to be even better, for you, for myself, and for everyone. You of all people know me, and still choose to be with me. I will never understand that and don’t feel like I deserve you. You deserve so much better.”
Ren interjects, “I love you, Tucker Reeves. Don’t you dare say anything more unless you plan to tell me you love me, too.”
Shocked silence fills the new car scented space inside the Jeep. It’s the first time she has told me she loves me. Hearing it makes me realize even more how much I love her, and how much she gives my life meaning. Anxiety wants to claim me, but I swallow hard and push past it. I take one big, deep breath and then proudly tell her, “I love you, too.”
“Fear is the prison of the heart”
Anonymous
Chapter Six
2011
Age 18
Elle screams in Derek’s face. “Asshole! You fucking asshole!”
Everyone stops and stares, curious as to what the fuck just happened. I am lost right along with them. I thought we were having the time of our lives with our friends. Prom was boring, but okay. Ren and I won King and Queen. She was happy about it, and that made me happy. We decided to leave a little early to start the after party.
It’s going great. Or so I thought. Now, I hear my sister’s escalated voice bounce off every tree in the woods.
As I walk over, a crowd has gathered around them. The first thing I see is Elle shoving past Derek, and then she storms off in a drunken state. Tears stream from her eyes.
Then I see Ren crying, too, and she screams after Elle. “Elle! It’s not what you think. Wait!” Derek attempts to stop her, but she shoves him away. She catches me watching and says, “It’s not what you think. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
People whisper. A buzz of tension swarms throughout the crowd.
Derek walks up, grabs my arm, and says, “Dude, I fucked up. Ren kissed me.”
I snatch my arm back. “What? What the fuck do you mean, exactly?” Words elude me even though overwhelming questions and confusion wrestle in my brain. I never would have imagined I would be at the center.
I stare after both of them, shocked and beyond embarrassed. I look like a total ass, but I’m not too stupid to understand why my sister is so mad. And it involves Derek and Ren, and is enough to freak her out. That sense of deceit causes my throat to swell. Perplexed, my mind swirls a mile a minute as I call after her. “What is going on? What the fuck just happened? Wait!”
Derek attempts to speak again. My brows draw tight and my teeth clench together. “Don’t fucking touch me.” After that, the rest is a blur. All I do know is my fist meets his jaw – more than once. At some point, someone pulls me off him. In the next instant, I am running as fast as I can after both of my girls, after my heart.
As I exit the row of trees, raindrops begin to fall, slowly at first and then faster. I hear Elle shout, “Fuck you, Ren!” from her car as it squeals away. Burnt rubber stench fills the air and Ren follows right behind her. I am in shock. The rain drowns me as a surge of fear engulfs me, imprisoning my heart.
A matter of s
econds. A matter of minutes. This is the amount of time it takes for my life to change. Forever.
“Yeah, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
Joel Rosenberg
Chapter Seven
Minutes pass. Then we all hear it.
Personally, I will never, ever, in my entire life forget the sound.
Deafening.
Earsplitting.
Through the thunder and heavy rain, a vociferous shriek of metal meeting metal reverberates through the night and imprints my soul. Yes. This one sound will haunt me for the rest of my life. This is the precise minute my heart becomes lifeless.
“Tuck. Tuck, man, come on.”
I hear a faint male voice, but don’t recognize whom it belongs to. Everything around me is fuzzy. My eyes can’t adjust, my stomach feels sick, and my knees are weak. My whole world shifts right off its center axis.
“Tucker!”
The word jolts me, but does not move me. I’m paralyzed. My worst fear becomes a reality. I’m not sure I can even breathe, let alone move my feet. Inside, I know what the sound means, but I can’t get my body to react.
“Ah shit!” The swear escapes my mouth right before my entire body breaks out in violent tremors, and I drop to my knees and vehemently throw up.
“Dude, we have to go. Now! Here, let me help you up. You ok, man?”
The voice is relentless, but this time, it breaks through the fog over my brain.
I nod.
He doesn’t hesitate. He lifts me into a standing position, walks around me, and then faces me. It’s Trent.
His mouth moves, but my mind refuses to grasp what he’s saying. I shake my head. Soon, the words come out. “No. No, no, no, no. NO!” A shockwave of disbelief, fear, and devastation halt my heart and fly through my lips.
“NO!” Relentless cries release, and repeat until Trent cracks my face.
“Yo, Tuck, you can’t freak out. You have to hold it together.” Hands grip my shoulders and Trent gives me a subtle shake. “All we heard was what sounded like an accident. Don’t jump to conclusions and lose your shit, bro. I’m driving. Hop in, and let’s ride down there. Besides, you don’t know what happened.”
“Yes, I do.”
After climbing into the passenger seat, the door behind me bangs shut. Trent turns halfway around and glares at none other than Derek. I cringe. Trent mouths something I can’t make out, and then turns to me. “Not now.”
Not now? It races through my mind as my body tenses more. I struggle past the instinct of pummeling Derek and refrain. I know Trent’s right, so I also fight against the urge to open my mouth or climb over the seat to get to him. Not now. I have matters far more pressing. I need to get to the scene, and Trent is the one who offered to take me.
Before we pull out of the gravel parking lot onto Route 5, we hear the sirens ahead of us. By the time we reach the scene, the ambulance, paramedics, and police surround the area. I don’t let it deter me. No sooner does Trent pull in behind one of the police cruisers than I am out of the vehicle and sprinting.
Two police officers, talking to eyewitnesses, halt me in my tracks.
“I need through. That’s my sister and my girlfriend. Let me through.”
By the time I try to push past the officers, Trent and Derek catch up to me.
“Sorry. He’s with us,” Trent informs them.
“What’s your name, son?”
“I need through. Let me by,” I hiss.
Before he can repeat his question, Derek grabs hold of me. He looks me in the eye, but says absolutely nothing. Even as the rain pours down, making it difficult to determine whether he is crying or not, the wary expression on his face tells me all I need to know. “No, no!” he shouts. He grits his teeth, and his fists ball up at his sides.
Trent touches his shoulder, but neither of them says a word. The officers still hold me back, not letting me move even one inch.
A few yards away, I see Ren. Her body sprawls on a stretcher and paramedics rush about on either side, working on her. Then I see Elle. A white sheet covers her whole body, the brightness standing out against the dark night. The paramedics carry the stretcher she lay on up the hillside. Police officers huddle around.
I remember very little after this, except a bright crack of lightning in the midst of rolling thunder and someone trying to lead me over to Ren.
I can’t.
I don’t.
I won’t.
Anger blends with devastation.
I refuse.
“No, I’m good,” I spew venom with the vision of my sister under a sheet.
My eyes stay fixed on Elle. Her lifeless body. I want to run over to her. I want to scream from the fiery depths of my soul at every single motherfucker who stands around to get their fucking asses over there and bring her back. Just DO something. My mouth won’t open. I want to hold her, reassure her, and tell her she’ll be all right. I fail.
The all too familiar feeling I have worn as a coat of armor my entire life cradles me. Fear. Fear of realizing this truth. Fear of facing life without Elle. Fear of failing her. Fear of how Mom will react. Fear she will blame me. Fear of losing my other half.
My body won’t move. I want to take her place. I want to hurt somebody. Anybody. Just kill them if that’s what it takes. My heart bleeds too heavy to act, let alone do anything at all. As anger claims me, my whole world spins out of control. I stand frozen in time, forever changed. This is the exact microsecond in time where my greatest fear comes true. It faces me head on. My twin sister is no longer alive. I didn’t protect her like I used to, like I should have. Elle, the other half of me, the better half – my hero – is gone. Yes, this is precisely when, I, too, walk through the valley of death.
“If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all his thinking, damages his personality, and makes him landlord to his ghosts.”
Lloyd Cassel Douglas
Chapter Eight
2013
Age 20
The second I step through the crowd and make my way into the room, I see her. The music thumps, heavy on bass, and I know she doesn’t see me right away. She’s talking to some guy. I can tell he’s trying to pick her up. I can’t blame him. Ren is still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She looks nervous.
Two years have passed since the last time I saw her, and they’ve been hell.
My eyes remain fixed on her, and I watch her every move to observe the way she interacts with him. I appear calm, cool, and collected, but inside, it’s a whole different story. I’ve come a long way since I last saw Ren. I want to talk to her, to tell her.
Since the day we lost Elle, I’ve struggled to overcome. I became the son-of-a-bitch, like my biological father, I swore to Ren I’d never allow myself to be. I didn’t want to go on without my sister. Even if I knew how, which I didn’t, I felt dead inside.
I fucked things up with Ren. I drank heavily, partied with friends. I couldn’t even look at her without anger rearing its ugly head. On the rare occasion I did see her, my mouth spewed the filth inside my broken heart. I know it wasn’t her fault. Yet, I couldn’t stop myself from the blame I felt towards her. Part of me also blamed myself, so even the tiniest piece of my shattered heart that still loved Ren, also hated her. That piece still wanted to be with her, but believed she wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t. Had I not asked Ren to get me a beer that night, she would have stayed with me, which means she wouldn’t have been in the situation with dickhead, also known as Derek.
And let’s not talk about him. Let’s just say, after that night, our friendship was over. He had his own demons to deal with. Rumors that he harassed Ren reached me, but I never confirmed any of it. I didn’t care at the time. In fact, to be honest, I participated in some terrible acts against her, too. Guilty by association, right? God, the things said and done to her are not fathomable. Some of the things I wasn’t even physically present for,
but I can’t imagine how she must have felt, let alone comprehend how she dealt with it. Now, it haunts me. Then, not so much. At that time, I was too wrapped up in my own state of grief, my own guilt over not protecting Elle, and I was traumatized beyond recognition. It’s true. I didn’t even know myself anymore.
I ended up here because I got kicked out of UNC and lost my full athletic scholarship. My parents were pissed, but I think they were more disappointed than anything.
Bam! That’s a fear I didn’t want to face. Disappointment.
Tom has always been good to our Mom. Hell, he was good to Elle and me. We thought of him as our dad because, well, over time, he became one to us. It wasn’t until I got the boot at UNC that they forced me to see Dr. Bradford. He was a colleague of Ren’s dad, and since our parents were friends, he recommended to Tom that I should see him. Ren’s dad is a profiler for the FBI and has many connections. Dr. Bradford happens to be one of the best psych docs around.
As long as we’re being honest, I have to admit, Tom’s forcing me to see him was the best thing he has ever done for me. Doc, as I call him, saved my life. He has shown me what I did to Ren. He has taught me about my severe phobias due to the trauma caused by my biological father’s abuse, and the loss I suffered as a young child. Then, when Mom remarried, it triggered additional fears. After losing Elle, her death triggered greater emotional traumas further instigated by those same phobias and anxieties. Through extensive treatments with Doc, he teaches me how to manage them. I may never outgrow them. One day, I hope so. But at least now, I am able to breathe through the oncoming attack as I watch her from across the room. My heart rate increases, and my chest fills with dread.
Speaking of Ren, I see her – like a mirage. As I watch her talk to him, I can’t help but feel this may not be real. Is this one of my dreams of her? A pure figment my mind has created to torture me and repay me for my sins against her?