They took the catheter and stoma out after four weeks, happy that her bowel was healing, but she had an infection in the area, and they had to get it under control before removing it. They sent her home with a pack of incontinence pads and some painkillers when they were happy she could piss and shit by herself.
Amy was with her the most. She would drop her kids off at nursery, and be with her for the day. Her parents came twice, it was all a bit strained. Suzy asked them not to come again. She was done. This was the fallout, and she had no time for people who made her feel like crap.
Amy really helped her. She took her to her rehab appointments, to the nurse. Amy made sure she got to her counselling sessions, and her support group. She brought her shopping in, and helped her tidy up.
She had watched her vacuuming one day.
“Amy.” She paused and looked at her. “Thank you.”
Amy’s lips trembled and she finished vacuuming with tears in her eyes. Suzy knew how badly she felt, and because Amy had not siding against her, she let her in. Sam was great, and kept her company at night.
For the past month, when she knew she had to put herself back together, she had asked them both to give her a little time, to process, to find out who she was again. No easy thing. There was stuff to find out. Things she no longer cared about, things she could do, things she didn’t want, and relying on the people she loved wasn’t making that easy.
She permitted herself some time to slob out, and that was done, and she was going back to work, and she was quickly finding out that she was, in fact, a fucking bitch.
She could live with that.
On Monday, plainly dressed, bare makeup, but still impeccable, Suzy went to war, or the office. There was cake, of course there was fucking cake.
She didn’t make anyone a coffee, and Poppy fetched and carried for her all day. She looked at the account board, went over the chaos, and quickly set it all to rights. People were reassigned and Malcolm was given proofing to do. No one wanted proofing.
Friday, they were no longer two weeks behind, they were nearly caught up.
Davis could do nothing but praise her, though it was obvious that he didn’t want to. Even though people did their jobs, she was still Suzy who had that thing happen to her, or the bitch that deserved it because she wouldn’t sleep with someone.
Malcolm was case in point.
The Thursday of her second week, she was heading out for lunch, she really was trying to eat more, but the office still suffocated her.
She took the stairs, she didn’t know why, but increasingly lifts annoyed her, and she found Malcolm behind her half way down. She pivoted, and held his eye with an evil look.
“What?” her voice was sharp, and she wouldn’t back down.
“I know. About you and Maxwell. I thought that Christmas was odd with you and him but I know.” Suzy reeled, he’d been storing this up, what a prick.
“Who the fuck cares? Maxwell is gone, and I have slightly more pressing matters than some man I haven’t seen for months, I don’t give a fuck.”
“You should. I’m going to let everyone know that you got your job because you were shagging Maxwell.”
“Really? Go on then, off you go, go shove your fat head up Davis’ arse, I’m sure he’d love his prostate being tickled by you. Then we’ll get Townslee involved, I can tell him how you harassed and threatened me after I was subjected to a horrific attack. The reality of which, you cannot begin to conceive of. You can try to convince him that it was Maxwell that gave me that promotion, not Townslee himself. Knock yourself out.
“But let me warn you Malcolm, you are on thin fucking ice with me, and I am your boss, your incompetence is why I’m back so soon. They need someone who can manage, because you as sure as fuck can’t. I’m not some little victim you can push around or humiliate, I’ve been on that roundabout, it can fucking do one. Questions?”
Malcolm took a step back and went back up. Suzy was shaking when she made it outside. The bright early summer air was heaven, she took great big mouthfuls of it and went to the potato van. She sat on a bench and ate her baked potato and cheese. She had no appetite, but shoved some food in her mouth anyway.
Fucking Malcolm, the arsehole. She’d have to watch him, fuck it, she could even get Townslee involved. Nathan had said the man loved her. He had been nice, he’d even visited her in hospital. She smiled.
At least she had Townslee on her side.
Friday, Davis called her into a meeting where he eviscerated her abilities. She sat through the meeting, her hands clasped on her lap, with a neutral expression. In the past, she’d have been frightened, upset, humiliated, but she wasn’t. She knew what real terror was, and this was nothing, this didn’t matter, none of it did. It all felt so unimportant.
“Ms Martin I’m not sure that you’re really up to it, as general manager…”
“Division manager.”
“What?”
“You aren’t general manager, Mr Davis, you’re Division manager now. You answer to Mr Townslee, and if you’re suggesting that I am incapable of my job, I request a formal investigation as to the reason for that, though I suspect exactly what it is Mr Davis.”
“Look here, you should remember your place.”
“What is that exactly Mr Davis? On all fours like the bitch I am?”
Mr Davis paled. He’d forgotten that.
When Suzy first started at Hulstons, it was a smaller company, and they had just moved to Berkley house. They’d all gone to the pub, in those days Davis went with them, one big happy family. He’d had his eyes on her tits from the get go, I mean they were nice tits, but still, he was not entitled to stare.
Only he did. She was hiding in the toilets and was about to come out when she overheard him talking to Malcolm, he was a junior then, and Davis had his eye on training him up. Suzy had politely declined Malcolm’s advances twice by that point. His exact words were, ‘that Suzy bitch is good for only one thing, getting on all fours for us.’ They had both laughed. She was mortified, to say the least, but she had been storing that up for years. She had expected to have to use it against him when he tried to grope her. Dumb bastard.
“Is there anything else Mr Davis?”
Suzy was okay with being ruthless and unflinching. Being accommodating and nice, allowing people to dictate her life had given her nothing but pain and humiliation, and if people mistook her for being weak, more fool them. She’d be hated and despised in any way that she played this game, so fuck it.
Davis was livid, but she didn’t back down. She held his eye. Her heart pounded.
“No, nothing else.”
“Good. Mr Davis, you know as well as I that I’m capable of doing my job, Malcolm is crap at it, so when he comes running to you with his little tales, you might want to reassess your priorities. Don’t make me take any issue of harassment further, and while we’re on the subject, stop looking at my breasts. I won’t hesitate in making a complaint.”
Suzy left and walked out with a calm grace she didn’t really feel.
She sat at her desk, and looked at the large new screen and got on with her day. It took nearly an hour for her stomach to calm down, and her hands to stop sweating, and Malcolm watched her the whole time. She gave him a slow smug vicious smirk, and he frowned.
Suzy went to the gym, because she had nothing else to do, she had signed up for a PT instructor the first week back. The first guy was a vain patronising fuckboy that Suzy had no patience for, and the only other one that any slot available was the kickboxing instructor. The assistant smiled at her.
Suzy did not reciprocate. “Fine.”
He was actually pretty sweet. He was covered in tattoos, his arms and shoulders were all inked. His shaved head, his sharp stare all cut into Suzy and made her uncomfortable, but the moment he asked her what she was looking to achieve, the gentle tone of his voice made her relax.
“I had a serious knife wound to the gut. I’ve had a couple of physio sessions, just wh
ile I was getting back on my feet, rebuilding muscle. I didn’t eat well for a while, because of an ileostomy. I want to get back into shape.”
“You used to come to kickboxing right?”
“Yeah.”
“We can work on your core, cardio and flexibility to start with, get you fit, and then go from there, let’s see where you’re at.”
Ray worked her pretty hard the first session, and only when she bent over with a stitch did they stop. She was aching and sore when she got home, sweating and pissed off, but oddly exhilarated.
As stressful as the day had been, she felt alive. She ate with Sam, and went to bed. Then she did what she every night, and stare at that fucking hook for two hours before she could close her eyes.
Her dreams were disjointed and made her wake every few hours. She got up at four, as always. She needed to figure out how to sleep. It was one thing to lie about all day and not sleep at night, it was another to manage a department. She was so tired after her meeting with Davis, the adrenaline petering out, and she was so exhausted in general. Ray asked her what was up during their session.
“Yoga, for ten minutes before bed. No screens for an hour beforehand. Lavender oil on your pillow, relaxation breathing techniques for ten minutes after the yoga.”
Suzy crunched, with difficulty, her fifteenth crunch. She fell back, and clutched her middle. It was the best Friday night she’d had in months.
“Really?” she was panting as she let the pain pass.
Yep, it takes a bit of time and mental adjustment.”
“I can do that. I can’t do anymore fucking crunches though.”
Ray laughed.
Suzy did some simple yoga, following Ray’s demonstration, and put on the podcast that Ray had downloaded, and she went to sleep within thirty minutes. Bliss.
Davis didn’t go into the office for a week after that Friday. Things needed signing off, and Suzy just seemed to fill the role, she spoke with the secretary and got on with the things could do. When no one had heard anything, and he wasn’t answering, Suzy phoned Townslee.
He hadn’t heard from him either.
The second week, he turned up on Wednesday, then left for lunch, and he never went back in. Townslee was forced to come up. He and two others were in Davis’ offices all day. Everyone whispered about it, but did their work, it was a very productive day all told. Townslee disappeared looking angry. She had never seen him angry, everyone was worried, the tension made people jittery. Suzy glanced over at Malcolm, and when she raised her brows, he just shrugged.
Thirteen. Signs and revelations
Suzy stretched out on the large outdoor beanbag. She untwisted her shorts and pulled her top back down and tried to sit up to sip her wine. She wore huge sunglasses in the too bright heat of a Sunday at the beginning of July. Amy padded back outside, she wore a little sundress, and had nothing on her feet. Mark was putting the overtired little ones to bed.
They had a nice Sunday lunch, had played in the garden for a while, and everyone was worn out. It was wonderful. Suzy hadn’t felt so at ease in a long time.
She drained her wine. Amy came and lay down next to her, and she spooned Suzy. The newness of being close to her sister filled some of the gaping vacuum inside her. Suzy held Amy’s hand as she lay her head against her.
“How’s work?”
“Oh, I’m killing it. I’ve become a mega boss bitch. I didn’t know I had it in me. I like it. Channelling that much anger feels good.”
“Are people deserving of it?”
“Fuck my arse, yes they are. I’m only evil to those who deserve it, but everyone can see how different I am. Davis has vanished, and I kind of think it’s my fault.”
Amy propped herself up. “How?”
“He tried to make me feel like shit, and I tore him a new one. I mean, really, really, tore into him. He fucked off after that. Chaos reigned, except, I pulled everything together, and got things done. I have a feeling that Davis won’t be back.”
“You’re going to go for it?”
“Damn straight.”
“Good for you.”
“Well, it’s not like I’m going to get married, or have a family, or anything like that. I have to focus on my career, it’s all I have.”
“You have me.”
Suzy smiled and shifted round. “I do, thank you. I like this, Sundays with you. I can be the cool auntie who spoils the children. When they’re sixteen, I’ll sneak them booze, and take them out.”
“No you won’t.”
“I’m the cool crazy aunt remember?”
Amy laughed, but then looked a little serious. “Will you come next Sunday?”
“Why?”
“Dad’s coming. Now, before you say anything, there are things you should know. Dad keeps asking about you, he and mum are barely talking. He’s stayed here a few times. She still believes Rich, but dad doesn’t. He was so upset when he saw you intensive care. We didn’t know if you’d be okay, you’d lost so much blood, and the surgery took so long, no one knew. It’s made him think, reprioritise how he thinks about us, you.
“I had a long talk with him the other night. He’s starting to see the truth. He’d like to see you, but understands if you don’t.”
“Let me think about that.”
“Okay, that’s all I ask.”
Mark came out with more wine, and the three of them spent Sunday evening talking shit and hanging out. It was really good.
Suzy got home, really tired and took the lift, she made herself do it. She was beginning to think of all the things she hated, and wanted to make herself do them. The affection of Amy was one, and she was okay with that, another was the lift. Her heart pounded, but she didn’t freak out.
She stepped out of the lift, a little dizzy, and saw Sam snogging a man in her doorway. She smiled as she let herself into her flat. She was happy for Sam, it was about time she found a little happiness.
Her door went ten minutes later.
“So, what you saw…”
“Was you getting your face snogged off, and whose tongue was it that was rammed down your throat?”
Sam blushed and smiled. “Rick. He’s nice, really. His dad was Indian, but his mom raised him alone, he’s divorced too, no kids. Works in a bank.”
“Sounds solid. Now, roles are reversed, I live vicariously through you now, okay?”
“We haven’t slept together yet. Two dinners, drinks, he came for lunch, we watched a film, kissed. Nothing else.”
“I'm disappointed, no heavy petting?”
Sam laughed. “Not yet.”
“Let me know when you do.”
“How was Amy’s?”
“Good actually. It was really nice. Even Mark was nice to me.”
“I’m happy for you.”
That night, Suzy looked at the hook above her bed, she hadn’t been able to get the thing out. She thought of Nathan as she had done every night that week. She thought about him more often, what he was doing, who he was doing.
She hoped for his sake that he could move on. She turned her pillow. She missed him, she still loved him, but he was gone, it was over. She couldn’t believe that she had done some of the things she had done with him. Some made her uncomfortable, things she wasn’t sure she could do again. He had been so loving, so generous, and she threw it back in his face.
She wondered if she would be able to have sex again. The things that Zach had said to her floated round her mind. They weren’t the same as sex, she knew that, what he was going to do to her was violent hatred, it was about control. But for him they were sex. She felt sick as the images played out in her mind of those whispered horrors.
She sat up and put the lamp on. For a minute, she pretended that Nathan was next to her, soothing her. It was his warm hand on her back comforting her, not Zach claiming ownership. Her skin itched.
She had to have sex, be intimate. She would end up hung up on it, and unable to do it if she didn’t push herself. Next on the list of
shit she was afraid of, was that.
If she didn’t, it would be another thing taken from her. She had always been sexual, it was part of who she was. Her identity was wound up in her sexuality, and when she had no other outlet for her feelings, she had shagged.
Nathan had given her everything she wanted in that regard. He had given her so much. And her thoughts went round again as her fingers ran along the scars on her belly, still red and livid.
Townslee looked harassed on Monday morning. He didn’t ask everyone to come in the meeting room, he just addressed them all in the office.
“Mr Davis will no longer be division manager. I need everyone to pull together on this while we find a replacement.”
That was it. There was more to it, everyone could tell. Townslee asked Suzy to go into Davis’ office as everyone got on with their work.
“Suzy, what happened?” she didn’t have to ask what.
“Malcolm threatened me after I came back, because he thought he deserved the job, he was incompetent, you know that. He made vulgar accusations against me, and said he’d tell everyone. The next day, Davis attempted to make out that I wasn’t equipped to manage after what I had been through. I put us back on schedule, and he tried to pass of Malcolm’s mistakes as mine. I made it clear I wasn’t having it, and I’d get you involved, and put in a grievance. I also asked him to stop staring my certain parts of my body, and that harassment of me, particularly after what I had been through was not only unprofessional, but a horrible thing to do. I also reminded him of a particularly vile thing he said about me some time ago.”
“I see. Suzy, Davis told me you threatened him.”
“With a grievance yes, and you cannot suggest to me that he is afraid of me?”
Townslee smiled and steepled his fingers. “You’ve changed, it’s a good thing.”
“Thank you sir. If there is to be an opening, I’d like to be considered for it Mr Townslee. I’ve been taking on more of the duties since Mr Davis left, I’m able to do it.”
“I have no doubt of it, but it’s a little more complicated than just slipping into the role. What I’m about to say is in confidence, so please keep this to yourself. I don’t want it getting out.”
Saving Suzy (New city Series Book 2) Page 15