She was dancing between two men, who were dry humping her for anyone to see. They were only wearing their masks and jeans. Her mask was different, it was a colombina, he could see her beautiful mouth, she wore gold lipstick, and there was gold glitter in her hair.
Her head was thrown back, she was lost in the music, her hips moved, her breasts bounced, her hair swayed. She looked like a dream.
He stepped forward.
It had taken all of her strength to leave the house. She had spent hours getting ready. She thought wearing white was hilarious. Like a virgin, only anything but. She was starting again, she would feel alive again, and she did.
Raz was a ridiculously gorgeous, a dark skinned tall man, lanky, but defined. His had amazing hair, long on the top, and messily quiffed. She ran her hands through it, as he undulated behind her. She put her arms on Ray’s shoulders.
She felt sick at first, as they started dancing, her heart wouldn’t slow down. All she could think of was Zach’s hands on her. The hands of the surgeon inside her belly, cutting away her womb. The nurse emptying the stoma bag, and she wanted to cry, to beat her fists, to lash out. But she didn’t. She focused on the feeling of the bass through her body, the gentle movement of Ray and Raz either side of her.
She focused on how beautiful they were. How kind to let her interrupt their fun. Neither had been VIP at Kink, and they were having a blast. Ray kissed Raz, fully tonguing him while she was squished between them, she laughed, she could feel how turned on both of them were, and for a second she wondered what might end up happening.
People were watching them, she could feel it, she looked around to the floor, wondering if she had the courage to do more than look, and she saw him.
Even with the full-face mask, she knew it was him, his hair, his body, the tan. She went still, Raz put his arm round her waist and kissed her neck. “You okay?”
Ray turned to where she was looking. “Fuck, that’s him isn’t it?” she managed a nod.
Nathan didn’t move, he just looked at her, his chest rising and falling. Ray was moving, he went to Nathan and pulled him up to the dancefloor.
She didn’t know what to do. Nathan pulled his t-shirt over his head. She looked down his body, Nathan couldn’t help himself, but he pulled her to him, her hands spread on his chest. The bass dropped in the music and she began to dance again, Nathan went with it, moving his hips to hers, she turned slowly as she danced, glitter was already all over him.
Ray vanished and returned with drinks. Suzy necked the glass of champagne and the shot, she needed the booze. She didn’t know what she was going to do, but Nathan felt so good, even if he hadn’t said a word.
Nathan turned her slowly to him. He leant over and spoke, his voice went through her like a balm. She wanted to cry, she wanted to take hold of him, and tell him that she loved him.
“I missed you. Beautiful Suzy, I want you.” His hands went round her back, and his sure palm went up and down. She went still and held her breath. She couldn’t hear the music anymore, there was just ringing in her ears. His lips went to hers. It was like going home.
He pressed his mouth gently at first, and her mouth followed his as he opened, his tongue on hers. He hummed. He was hard against her. His hand rounded her arse, and crept under the shorts. He pulled her against a wall, he didn’t think about anyone else looking, they were all too busy getting theirs.
Her legs went round him, and he hoisted her up.
He pressed his hips into hers, his pace slow, knowing he would press on her clit. He kept kissing her, his hands under the playsuit crotch, one managing to cup her. There was something in the air, fuck, maybe they pumped the place full of pheromones, but he wanted to fuck her right there.
He pressed a finger inside her and she cried out, but not with pleasure, it was too much, it was too soon.
“Stop.” He did, he pulled back and looked at her, she was frightened.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Suzy?”
He carefully set her down. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
“It’s okay. You don’t owe me anything. I’m sorry. Really.” He put his hands up. He undid the mask and dropped it. What was he doing? He felt like an idiot. As if she’d just say, ‘hey welcome back, here’s my pussy, want to put your finger in to say hello?’
He found his t-shirt and put it on as he walked away. He didn’t even look back, he just left.
Suzy watched him go. She wanted to go after him, but she couldn’t. She didn’t even know what to say, she wasn’t even sure what just happened.
“Are you okay?” she looked at Ray, his concern.
She shook her head. She took off her mask as she went after Nathan. She couldn’t just let him go, she did owe him something.
She caught him in the lobby.
“Nathan.” He turned. “Just, wait, please.” She grabbed her coat from the check, and covered herself. It was warm for a coat, but she didn’t want to be seen like that outside. She tied the cream mac.
She stepped forward.
This was the test. The last time she had left Passion House her life had changed. Nathan watched her strangely.
She made herself move forward, Craig on the door stayed her. “Suzy, you all right?”
She just focused on her breathing. “I can’t do it.” Her chest heaved.
Nathan stepped forward. “Suz?”
“Sir, step away please.” Craig pulled her closer to him. Her knees were weak, her vision spun. Too many shots and too much champagne caught up with her as her body freaked out. “Deep breaths.”
She looked at Nathan’s confused face. He didn’t know. “I have to get out of here Craig. I need to go.”
“I’ll take her home.” Nathan’s sweet concern made tears come to her eyes. He wouldn’t touch her when she told him, what an ugly thing to have to tell him.
At least then, it’d be over.
“It’s fine Craig. I trust him.”
Nathan caught her up, and carried her. She put her hands around his neck, and let her head rest on him.
It would be for the last time, but she savoured it. Nathan held onto her for dear life, as he walked to the taxi rank. She shook, but her breathing slowed and she watched him the whole way. It was ridiculous, he was unsure what had just happened between them, but he had never felt more like a man than right then, carrying her, holding her close when she needed him. And she did, he had no doubt of that.
He set her down at the taxi rank, and her hand fisted his t-shirt as he opened the door, she was paralysed.
“Suzy?” she blinked.
“Can’t move.” Her shoulders hunched, her face was rigid.
“It’s okay, you’re safe, I won’t do anything. It’s okay.” He said it over and over again, and got her into the taxi. She didn’t cry, and that struck her as strange. Nathan held her fisted hands.
How many times had she allowed herself to grief over what had happened? How many times had she let it out? She couldn’t look at Nathan, she couldn’t let herself feel the tenderness he was showing her.
When they arrived at her flat, she almost felt out of the taxi as she retched. Nathan picked her up again, and carried her inside, and he wouldn’t put her down.
She wondered if she could let him see her naked, say the words, let him inside her again. The moment she put her hands on his body again, she wanted it. She felt the spark, the pulse.
He set her down at her door, and watched her open it. She got inside and sat on the floor.
He didn’t move from the doorway. She was so vulnerable, shit he’d done that, he had frightened her, he had done that.
She craned her head round. “It’s okay. You can come in.”
“I’m not sure I should. Look, I um, I should go. I only wanted to make sure you got home. I know you don’t really want this. You made that clear.”
“Nathan, I’m sorry. You were right I was unfair. We can talk.”
“Not like this.” He had to leave, he had to get away from her flat, t
he place he had been with her so many times, he didn’t trust himself.
“Please don’t go.”
“Goodbye.” He shut the door behind her. She sat there for a minute in shock and then sobbed. She held nothing back. Loud wracking sobs. She lay on the floor like an idiot crying for everything she couldn’t have.
She cried herself out, her face on the cold tile. She didn’t sleep, but lay there empty. She felt nothing again, and it was a relief and horrible.
She wanted to be Suzy again, and she didn’t know how to do it.
Fifteen. Rebuild and reboot
Monday was a difficult day, in so many ways.
Action Fraud had started a criminal investigation into Malcolm and Davis’ activities, and the mysterious Taylor account that didn’t exist. Every employee was interviewed, and Toby put together a whistleblowing procedure, as well as a multi-level sign off for the transfer of any monies.
It was shit. Nathan was curt, but professional, and he barely looked at Suzy. Why would he. It wasn’t her he wanted to fuck, it was the girl in the club. It was the woman that would tie him to her bed, or dressed up like a gift for him to unwrap. Who talked dirty to him out of her window one morning, because they were hot for each other.
He didn’t want the mess of a woman with her womb missing. It was that Suzy he loved. In hindsight, she loved her too.
Suzy knuckled down. She had to recheck every piece of work that Malcolm had come across. She stayed until about seven that night. She didn’t want to go home. Sam was out on a date, and Amy would be swamped.
Ray would be in class. She turned off her machine and made her way out. Nathan was in his office, he glanced at her briefly, but went back to her work. He was assiduously ignoring her. She looked at the lift, and almost went to take the stairs.
But pressed the button.
Nathan wondered what he was doing. He had thought about her reaction to him continuously, and he cringed at his behaviour. What was he thinking? Oh hello, let me put my finger in? He was a prat.
She looked tired when she left. He saw the time, and packed his stuff up. He jogged down to the carpark and saw her marching along the office level.
“Suzy!” His voice echoed across the carpark. But she didn’t stop, and she was gone.
Tuesday, Nathan had Mia in his office for her interview. It went fine. Mia kept staring at him though. The more he thought about Suzy’s behaviour, the change in her, the more he realised something had happened. He asked Mia. She looked surprised, then she frowned.
“You don’t know, do you?”
Nathan went cold. “Know what?”
“Nathan, I’m so sorry.”
He took a steadying breath. “What?”
“Just do a quick search of her name online, and his.” Nathan swallowed and nodded, and Mia left.
He typed Suzy’s name in, and there it was. He covered his mouth. He read the article twice, then another, and another. He kept blinking, shock wore off as emotion filled him. His Suzy, how had he not known, how had he missed this? Because he was a selfish dick, oh God and he remembered what had happened in the club.
He swallowed several times and went to the men’s. He threw up a few times and washed his faced. Every hideous thing that his mind conjured of what had happened to her raced through his mind and he couldn’t hold back his tears, his face contorted with it, his heart hurt. He thought he might be having a heart attack.
He wanted to go to her, and beg forgiveness, take her pain away. He probably couldn’t do that. He wondered why she wanted a threesome, why she was at that club. But of course, she would do that, she would fight for herself, she was incredible and strong. He braced his arms on the sink trying to rein himself in.
Someone came in.
“You okay Mr Maxwell?”
Nathan cleared his throat. “Must have eaten something that didn’t agree with me.”
Nathan went back to his office. His just looked out of the window for a while, letting the reality of it sink in.
He avoided her for the rest of the week.
July became wet, and on Friday, with Sam out on a date, Suzy text Amy and asked if she was free.
Mike was out with his mates and Amy and Suzy curled up and watched the patter of summer rain hit the wide sliding patio doors.
“I want a garden.”
“You hate gardening though.”
“Yeah but I could take it up, it would be therapeutic. I went to group last night.”
“Oh?” Suzy didn’t really talk about what had happened, or her therapy, but Amy saw the gradual changes in her, the efforts she made.
“I was talking to the woman who runs the place afterwards, Marnie. She was telling me how they’re having difficulty filling a resources manager position, struggling with funding, and might have to cut some of their services, they’re a charity, and their funding has been cut.
“I suggested offering more services, but ones that charge, operate a business branch of what they do, for profit, and use the profit to support the refuge. Get into funded employment and training schemes, that kind of thing. Raise their profile, so more public support campaigns. She asked me to apply for the job.”
“Wow. Do you want to do that, sounds like a challenge?”
“I’ve already applied. I don’t think I can stay at Hulstons. I can’t see him every day. It hurts too much, not just because he doesn’t want me, but it reminds me of who I was, and I’m not going to be that anymore, I don’t think I can. Oh but fuck, Amy, his face when he fled my flat, shit, he couldn’t get away quick enough.
“I miss him so much. I keep having these daydreams about us getting back together, and we get married and have kids. I mean I was never that bothered about having a family, but…”
“Now you don’t have the choice.”
Suzy nodded, and gulped her wine, then wiped her tears.
Marnie rang Suzy on Monday for an interview, she knocked on Nathan’s door. He only glanced at her, he went pale and went back to his screen.
“What can I do for you?”
“I have an appointment tomorrow.”
“Okay, that’s fine.” Nothing else. She just looked at him, wanting to get her fill before she never saw him again.
When she had gone, he wiped his sweaty hands on his trousers and balled his fists. He was a fucking mess.
He was so angry, he couldn’t deal with it, and every night he went over everything that he had read. He cried for her, punched the shit out of his pillow.
He punished himself in the gym, to vent, to purge, and every time he saw the tattooed kickboxing guy, he watched him. He didn’t see Suzy in the gym.
He just didn’t know what to do. The shock was beginning to wear off, it didn’t feel that different from when Cass became ill, the powerless sinking of someone he loved in trouble, and there was nothing he could do.
Since he left Chadford in January, he had wanked every day, needing her, wanting her, thinking of all the things they had done, that they hadn’t yet done, and now he couldn’t even get hard.
The idea revolted him. Seeing her was torture, but he couldn’t not see her. He was an utter mess. He glanced up, steadying his breath. She was so strong, so together, and he wondered how she was coping, if she needed support, who was there for her.
The interview went well. She got the job they had offered it to her on the spot. She nipped home, afterwards, she emailed herself her letter of resignation, and when she got to the office, she printed it out.
She caught up, and made sure everything was in place. She felt bad about leaving when they were in the shit, but she just couldn’t do it anymore.
Everyone filed out at five, and she kept working.
Nathan had tasked her in going over every piece of work that Malcolm had ever done. She rubbed her eyes dislodging her contact. She pinched them out and put her glasses on.
She couldn’t see straight, and closed her computer down. Her heart pounded as she made her way to Nathan’s office. She
knocked the open door.
He blinked and looked at her. He looked tired.
“May I speak with you?”
He nodded and sat back. She passed him the piece of paper.
“What’s this?”
She just looked at him. He knew what it was.
“No, don’t leave, please. If I make you uncomfortable, I’ll leave, this is nearly sorted out, Townslee won’t…”
“Nathan, it’s not that, well it is.” She sighed and stepped round. She made herself look at him, his big brown eyes were so sad.
“I’ve been offered a job, I have to do a full disclosure CRB check, but other than that, I have the job. I can’t do this anymore. Be here, in the past. We both know Townslee will want you to stay. But I can’t see you every day.”
Nathan closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry for what I did.”
“It’s not that Nathan.” She frowned. “Who told you?” he looked at her then.
“I knew something was off that night, I couldn’t figure it out, you’re different now. I asked Mia, she said I only needed to search online. I’m so sorry, sorry that I left, sorry I didn’t fight for you, I might have been able to…”
“Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself. It would have happened anyway. I always knew it would. You were spared maybe, he might have killed you in the end. Who knows? The blame is his.”
Nathan swallowed. “Please don’t leave.”
“I can’t see you anymore, it’s killing me. I know things have changed, how revolted you are. I make me feel sick. I can’t have that life. Seeing you reminds me of what I nearly had. It was so close. I wouldn’t ask anything of you, we can’t be together but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It’s just too hard to deal with, and I have enough to deal with.”
“You still love me?” his emotion cut through his voice, tears were in his eyes, he desperately tried to hold himself together.
“Of course. It feels like a dream, what we had.”
He covered his mouth. He felt split down the middle. He took a deep breath, and leapt. “Then try with me. I love you too Suzy, I always have.”
Saving Suzy (New city Series Book 2) Page 17