by Dawn Brower
“That’s bullshit,” he said harshly. “It isn’t for you to say what I do or do not deserve. If that’s why you’ve been pushing me away for weeks now, you can shove it right out of your head. It pisses me off to hear you talk bad about yourself. No one is perfect, and I sure as hell don’t expect you to be.” He stopped and turned her to face him. He brought his hand up to her chin and lifted it so she met his gaze. “You need to know where I’m standing now. I’ve been at your mercy for so long I can’t even remember when I didn’t love you. I’m holding on by a thread. One taste of your lips and I wanted to have the right to kiss you for the rest of my life. Don’t push me away anymore.”
She licked her lips and processed what he had to say. How could she keep him in the dark longer? He should have all the information so he could understand what he was asking of her. Would he still want her if he realized she couldn’t have children? Did they even have a chance of making it? That was a drop in the bucket compared to her financial situation. Her health was precarious, and all of her money had been stolen. Why would he want to take that on? Who would? Jessica didn’t want to, and she had no choice. Preston did though, and he might want to bail on her once he realized the baggage she came with.
Almost from the start, he’d stolen her heart. There were parts of her that wasn’t all that pretty, yet he’d stayed by her side. A lump formed in her throat and she struggled to swallow it down. This man—he’d done so much to put her back together again. She’d be the first person to say she didn’t deserve him. It was the reason she kept pushing him away. Preston had other ideas though and fought her every step of the way. Every dream she had was centered around him and the future they no longer had. Tears wanted to come out, but she refused to let them. Any sign of emotional upheaval and Preston would take it as a sign to never leave.
“You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”
“I do,” he said. “All you have to do is accept I’m here and not going anywhere.”
Jessica wanted to give in and tell him what he wanted to hear. She could use his support. Was it selfish of her to want him by her side? “Let me think about it.”
He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “That’s a start. But don’t wait too long. My patience is running thin.”
Preston reached down and pulled her hand into his and they continued on their trek. They stopped at a park and sat down on a bench. She rested her head on his shoulder and loosened the leash enough to let Bella run a little farther out. The silence was as comforting as having him hold her close. In some ways, the ease of their relationship had been set by their ability to be near each other and be all right without having to talk.
“I’ve missed this,” she admitted. She’d missed him. “Why does life have to be so complicated?”
“It’s as difficult as you make it.” He rubbed his hand over her shoulder. “Some things shouldn’t be hard, and others—the stuff worth fighting for—is better when you have to work to keep them.”
Preston had a way of making her feel safe and secure. He was trustworthy, and if she wanted to, she could tell him anything. Keeping her problems to herself hadn’t ever been because she didn’t trust him. She’d seen it as a way of protecting him. When she found out she was sick, she’d wanted him to be free of any obligation to her. He was a man who should be able to have it all. There were things Jessica would never be able to give him—like children. He’d always have her heart, and not a day would go by that she’d stop loving him. She refused to be selfish, but in retrospect, maybe she’d been taking something away from him by denying him all the facts. He deserved to make the decision for himself if he wanted to stick by her. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to tell him everything, but she could start with the easier things.
“My accountant stole all my money, didn’t pay any of my bills, and apparently opened new credit accounts in my name without the intention of paying the bills.”
Preston blew out a breath he’d been holding in and pulled her closer. “Is this what you’ve been keeping from me?”
That was the beginning of what she’d not told him. When she’d said her life was a disaster, she wasn’t down playing it. She wasn’t ready to explain everything to him yet though. Instead of answering the question directly she deflected by saying, “Olivia is working on the extra accounts that he opened and is going to have them dismissed as fraudulent. It’s a huge mess, and it’s going to take a while to figure out what can be done. I’m going to be living quite frugally for several months. I may have to sell my house.”
“Are you especially attached to it?”
At one point she had been. It had been the home she’d hoped to build a family in with Ren. Now though... “Not really. It might be better if I moved into something smaller. A little condo for me and Bella would be nice.”
“Or you can move in with me,” he said hopefully.
She lifted her head and met his gaze. He couldn’t be serious. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. Don’t you think it’s too soon to take such a step?”
He shook his head. “In my opinion, it’s not a moment too soon. I have no doubts where you’re concerned. I don’t want to push. Think about it and let me know what you want to do. Either way, I’m here for you.”
Jessica would like to say yes, but she couldn’t. At least not yet. There was still a lot she hadn’t told him, and it might play a part in his decision. If things were different.
“I can’t make any promises.”
“I’m not asking you to,” he said and smiled. “At least not yet. One day I might, but for now I want you to quit pushing me away.”
She nodded. “All right,” Jessica agreed. “At least for now.”
“No,” he said. “Not just for now. For always. Please quit fighting me on this. I need you in my life.”
Jessica needed him too. So, so much... “Fine. I’ll quit pushing you away.” And when he decided that he wanted to walk away for good, she’d let him. “Can we stop talking about this now.”
“I still think there is a lot you’re not telling me,” he said. “But yes, we can table the discussion until later. I want to enjoy having you in my arms for a while. I’ve missed you.”
She was broken when she fell in love with him. He had to go and make her like him, and then love him. It had scared her witless. The feeling was foreign to her. She thought she’d loved Ren, but with Preston, she’d realized she’d had no clue what love was. For him, she’d been capable of being unselfish. He really did deserve someone far better than her. Wasn’t she lucky he didn’t want anyone else? She prayed she was able to hold onto that once he realized what a bad bet he’d made choosing her because he was right. He didn’t know everything, and when he discovered the truth she might lose him forever.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Jessica sat anxiously in her living room, staring at the clock on the wall. She had everything packed for her hospital stay in a small duffle bag. Dr. Foster’s nurse called her a few days ago with the news they’d scheduled her surgery, and she’d been apprehensive ever since. She had to be at the hospital for check-in hours before the sun would rise. Lana had agreed to pick her up and drive her to the hospital for the procedure. Afterward, she wouldn’t be allowed to drive for two weeks and nothing strenuous for up to six weeks. In some ways, it was good she didn’t work or her illness would have derailed any sort of productivity.
She still hadn’t told Preston about her condition. They’d been living under a tenuous truce for a couple of weeks. He spent as much time with her as she’d allow and kept his promise not to push. She should’ve told him everything, and each day it became harder and harder to open up. What if he rejected her? She wouldn’t be able to have children after the surgery. That part of her would be gone forever, and he might see her differently.
She hated that she had all these doubts clouding her judgment. Preston was a good man, and she didn’t really think he’d leave her. Maybe that was part of the problem. She didn’t wan
t him to feel like he had to stay with her. He might grow to resent her over time and might want to have the one thing she wasn’t capable of giving him. They hadn’t talked much about children or what he wanted for his future. Perhaps she should find out and quit stressing over something that might not be an issue. The niggling worry wouldn’t let go of her though. She had to make a decision and soon. Now that she was set to go into the hospital, he’d find out, and when he did... Preston was going to be livid.
She’d made up several lame excuses why he couldn’t spend the night with her because she didn’t want him to see her leaving early in the morning. That was a discussion that would have erupted into chaos and possibly made her late for her procedure. As much as she hated what she had to do to survive, she didn’t want to miss it. Living without her uterus was far better than not living at all.
Her front door opened and closed on a bang. “Jessica,” Lana yelled.
She covered her ears and shouted back. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Oh, good,” Lana said and strolled into the living room. “Making sure you’re awake and ready to go.”
Jessica glared at her. “Why would I still be sleeping?” As if that was possible as nervous as she was. The doctor had gone over the procedure in detail with her, and he of course didn’t anticipate any problems... Surgery was scary though, and her stomach was dancing with nervous energy. Thank God she was prohibited from eating or she’d have already thrown up.
Lana shrugged. “Who knows. Everyone reacts to things differently. Had to make sure so we can get this show on the road.”
“Yeah,” Jessica agreed. “I’m ready. You’re coming back to get Bella later, right?”
“Relax,” Lana urged. “I’ve got your back. Ms. Bella will be fine at my house while you’re healing. Don’t worry.”
That was easy for her to say. Lana was not the one about to be cut open to have her female parts yanked out. Jessica shuddered. She hated thinking about what they were going to do to her. It seemed almost impossible and weird when the doctor explained how they were removing her uterus. It involved small incisions, a camera of some sort, and the offending organs being removed the same way a baby came out. At least she’d be asleep for the entire time. When she woke, she’d hopefully be cancer free and well on her way to healing.
“I can’t help it,” Jessica admitted. “I haven’t been able to sleep at all, and it’s become second nature to agonize over things I can’t control.”
Lana crossed the room and pulled Jessica into her arms, hugging her tight. Jessica relaxed and let herself be comforted. Would she ever get used to this? There had been a time she’d thought she’d never have a true friend. She still couldn’t help wondering why Lana bothered with her. Maybe one day she’d ask, but for now, she wasn’t ready to hear the answer.
“Are you ready?” Lana asked and stepped back. “I’ll grab your bag. Follow me out to the car.”
Jessica smiled and did as her friend suggested. She might be out of her mind, but she believed everything would be fine. There were sure to be some hard times ahead, but things were starting to look up. Preston would be mad at her, and he’d yell a lot. She believed he’d forgive her for everything though. He was aware she was holding some things back and agreed to let her tell him in her own time, but some things were too hard to discuss.
She stepped into the passenger side and sat down, clicking her seatbelt into place. Lana tossed her duffle bag into the back seat and took her place behind the wheel. She started the car and began driving to the hospital. They sat in silence for a while.
“Have you ever assisted in a surgery like mine before?” Jessica asked.
Lana shook her head. “I’ve mostly worked with Ren. It’s not his specialty. I have observed one before though.”
“Is it like Dr. Albright explained?” Jessica wrinkled her nose. “It seems odd they’d remove my uterus that way. I would’ve thought they’d have to cut into my abdomen—you know like a cesarean.”
“That’s old school. Now they use as much technology as they can so a procedure is less invasive. You’ll heal faster this way and have less scaring.”
“I guess...”
She was still weirded out by it, but everyone said it was the best way to handle it. Jessica wasn’t a medical professional, so she took them for their word. It did sound like the best option. Who was she to question it when she didn’t have the first clue if they were bamboozling her? What the hell did she know about anything? Google only helped out so much in gathering information.
“No guessing involved,” Lana said. “Trust me I may not be a doctor, but I have worked with plenty. Dr. Foster has an impeccable reputation, and Dr. Albright is going to be assisting. You’re in good hands.”
Jessica didn’t doubt that for a minute, and when it was all done with she’d have Lana to lean on. She couldn’t ask for anything more than that. Well, perhaps it would be nice if Preston was around too. Something that might have been possible if she’d told him about the damn surgery and her illness. Why was she such an idiot? Maybe she should call him... Jessica reached for her purse to grab her cell phone.
Her head jerked back and glass shattered around her. Pain shot through her side and her face was dripping wet. Everything around her was fuzzy and she had trouble focusing. She glanced over at Lana and choked back a scream. Lana was covered in blood and out cold—her head was lopped to one side. Jessica had one thought before she lost consciousness... What the hell happened?
PRESTON RUSHED INTO the emergence room and headed to the nurse’s station. He’d been called into the hospital for an emergency surgery. There had been a car accident with two victims. One of them fell under his medical expertise.
“I need an update on the patient who needs an operation,” he ordered a nearby nurse. “Where’s their chart?”
A nurse handed him a tablet and opened up the tests that had already been run. The woman had a collapsed lung, several abrasions, but the part that was most worrisome was the pressure on her heart. The seat belt had done some damage, and if it wasn’t repaired, she’d die. Her heart was badly injured. When he read the name of the patient, his own heart beat heavily in his chest.
“Lana Kelly is the one I’m operating on?” What the hell had happened to her? “Why didn’t anyone tell me that?”
“I’m sorry, doctor. It’s been crazy in here since they were brought in. We had to act fast,” the nurse explained. “She’s already been prepped for surgery, and they are waiting for you.”
Preston froze a moment and stared at her in shocked silence. A bead of sweat formed on his forehead. His insides became a tangled mess of nerves and his thoughts were all about Jessica. Was this the reason she hadn’t let him stay with her the night before? He hadn’t wanted to push... They had a tenuous understanding. Now though—this changed everything. There had been two people in the car. Lana had been spending a lot of time with Jessica. Was she the other one injured? He had to know. Maybe he was leaping to the wrong conclusions. “Who was Lana with?”
“Doctor, we don’t have time for this. They...”
“Fucking tell me now,” he demanded. Please don’t say Jessica’s name...
“I’m sorry,” the nurse said.
He closed his eyes and prayed. There were times he didn’t believe in God, and in that moment he wanted to. If something happened to her... He might not survive the loss. How does someone get over the loss of the love of their life? She can’t be dead. They wouldn’t hold that back from him.
“Say it,” he said softly.
“Jessica Sousa was with her, but her injuries aren’t as bad. She was already scheduled for surgery, so she was taken up with Dr. Foster and Dr. Albright a half hour ago. They don’t expect there to be any complications. She’ll have a longer recovery...”
Jessica was supposed to come in for surgery and she hadn’t told him? Why would she withhold that information from him? Didn’t she realize he’d want to be there for her? His he
art fell and he fought the urge to give into tears—crying wouldn’t do a damn thing. Anger took the place of his grief and roared through him. He laid everything out to her, and she stomped on his feelings without much thought or care. She didn’t trust him with something so important as her health. What kind of future did they have if she couldn’t be honest with him?
He took a deep breath and made himself calm down. He loved her and when the time was right he’d face her. He wanted to ask the nurse for more information, but held himself in check. Lana needed him, and he couldn’t let his emotions get in the way of saving her life. She’d been a good friend to Jessica, and she was one hell of a good nurse. Lana would get his best, and he’d deal with Jessica later. There would be one hell of a reckoning when they saw each other again.
“All right,” he said. “I’m heading up to the operating room. Please keep me informed about Jessica. In the mean time, have you contacted Lana’s family? Her mother will want to know what is going on.”
The nurse nodded. “I called her emergency number immediately. The entire Brady clan, along with Lana’s mother, are already here. That Sullivan Brady is intimidating.”
Preston couldn’t worry about what that might mean. He suspected there was more between Lana and Sullivan then they let on, but it wasn’t any of his business. All he had to worry about was saving Lana and giving her a fighting chance. He hoped that her injuries weren’t as bad as he believed, but he wouldn’t know for certain until he started.
He nodded at the nurse. “Don’t let him brow beat you. I’ll handle him when the surgery is done.”
With those words, he left the nurse and headed up to the operating room. He left all of his concerns for Jessica behind and focused on his patient. Lana Kelly needed him to save her life. He loved Jessica beyond all reason, but she’d kept him in the dark for the last time. They couldn’t have a relationship if she continued to hold him at bay. There wasn’t anything there to build on if they couldn’t be open with each other. All the love in the world wouldn’t help them if she refused to trust him.