Collecting the little dignity I had left, I took a shower, got dressed and called Joe. “Joe I’m starving and Mrs. Danvers will get here in one hour. I’ve already called to Batter & Berries and they are waiting for you with my food. Would you pick it up?” The moment he accepted, I stared at the window until he left.
Feeling like shit for betraying my Joe, I carried my bags, turned for the last time to see the foyer I once found so marvelous, and closed the door behind me. I left the building and asked the concierge for a taxi. “You want me to call your driver ma’am?”
“I am meeting him in the restaurant, he had to go in advance so I didn’t lose the reservation.” Since I was a teenager I had the ability to lie with no remorse. When you shut off your emotions it is easy not to be affected by practical lies. Yes, I’ve also watched Discovery ID and I know that is sociopath behavior, whatever.
With more anger than sorrow, and with a destroyed pride I walked through the airport. Never removing my sunglasses, I approached the counter. Every now and then I turned to see if someone was following, but I knew Dylan had an important meeting so at least he was not going to be around. “Good morning. I need a ticket for your next flight to New York.”
After a quick buying process, I noticed the young man in the counter was staring at me suspiciously. Probably wondering why someone would wear sunglasses inside. “May I ask you a favor?”
“Of course, what can I do for you?”
“My ex-boyfriend may come asking for me. I really need to leave without anyone knowing about it. Could you forget I bought a ticket?”
The concern in his eyes was obvious, but he was kind and I was a young lady asking for help. “Of course, I’ve got it covered.”
With the most sincere smile I could form I thanked him and walked to my gate. The plane would leave in an hour and a half, and those would be the worst and longest ninety minutes of my life. I was seated straight in the chair, my hair in perfect shape, a beige trench coat, my knees closed and my legs in a perfect 90° angle with my nude Loubis.
I seemed perfect, no one knew that under my Dior oversized sunglasses, I started crying the moment ‘Beautiful War’ by Kings of Leon played over the airport sound system. It was obvious to me why I was so emotionally closed, because I always hated feeling. I didn’t know what to do with emotions, and I hated being vulnerable. All of them endearing characteristics that were displaying in that moment. I had become what I feared the most, tears behind pearls and Chanel, the cross of Upper East Side.
This time everything was different, this was not Meredith flirting in his office when I didn’t have any right over him. Or all those women who came to him every time looking for his attention. He was mine now, I deserved an explanation. That’s why I asked, any other time I would have left. But now HE.WAS.MINE. And I asked. He didn’t answer.
That was the painful part, he didn’t deny it, he didn’t explain. I was making an effort, he was making an effort. But people don’t change, he we has used to the options. He just grabbed what was close when he needed it.
You just have the flight to continue this crying parade princess. Once again I made an emotional budget. I was going to suffer and feel pity for myself for the entire flight, and then it was over. No more Dylan Berkeley, no more feelings.
I convinced myself that he never really wanted me. He was attracted to the idea of having the impossible woman. To get another victory and another challenge in his bag. But the original plan got messed up after the accident. He felt pity for me and the “knight complex”, men learn in their football classes, forced him to save me. Once he got me, I had no chance to keep him. And that bitch was there to pick up whatever he could give.
Absolutely exhausted I opened my apartment’s door and met a figure dropped on the floor against my couch. With his tie in his hand, no jacket, and his sleeves rolled up, Dylan Berkeley was waiting for me. But this was the last time. I promised it to myself. “Do you really think I wouldn’t come for you?”
The opened buttons in the neck of his shirt and the way his hair was unraveled, as if he had passed his hand over it a thousand times, made him seemed drained too. “Please leave my house.”
“You can’t run from me, Katherine.” He started standing and taking his usual menacing posture. His voice was harsh and angry. Asshole! But I was the one angry, the one disappointed, so there was no chance for him to win this.
“I am free. I can leave and I can hide whenever I want. And certainly I can run, that’s exactly what I am doing. Running. So yes Dylan, I can fucking run.”
“No, you can’t.”
“Why?”
“You can’t run because you made me love you!” Fuck. No, not those words. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to hear those words until that moment. But not like this, not while I was sending him to hell.
Breathe, think, control. I felt the tears wanting to flow, but I was not going to be that woman. “What was that woman doing in your bed?” I was pointing with my finger harder than what I wanted.
He looked to the sky and I prepared myself to receive the punch in the gut that I knew was coming. “I fired her yesterday.” Whaaaaaat?
So you can fuck her ethically? “What?” This time the question came out of my mouth.
He sat on the couch and covered his eyes with his hand. “She was the one stealing the money. I found out and fired her. When I got home she was in my room, completely drunk. She wanted me to take her back.”
“She threw herself at you.” I said more to myself than to him, but it was not a question, I knew it.
He just nodded, it seemed as if he was in real pain telling me this. “I called her mother. When I came back she was passed out in my bed and I left her there until her driver came to pick her up.”
He extended his arm trying to grab my hand. But I crossed my arms. “Don’t touch me.” I was way too vulnerable to allow any proximity. “How are you feeling?” Shaking his head he snorted at my stubbornness. “About Tamara.”
“Disgusted, betrayed. I didn’t call the police because of her parents. I thought she was my friend.”
She wanted to be more than his friend. “Did she need money?”
He shook his head again. “Attention. She started with it the day she met you.” Fuck, that woman is mental! He pulled his hair, getting angry again. “Now can you fucking explain to me why you left without Joe?”
This was going to end, right there. “Dylan, if I’m not fucking you I don’t have to keep Joe!” He hadn’t explained to me why Joe had been following me even when we were not together. And if we were finishing whatever we had, I wanted answers. “What’s your problem with Joe following me?”
“Because my parents’ death was not an accident! And I prefer to be dead than to let anything happen to you!!!” He shouted, scaring the hell out of me.
Fuck! I evened my voice to get him into normal mode again. “I was fine by myself before you, and I’ll still be after you.”
Apparently calmness was not what he was searching, because his jaw clenched and his eyes got darker. “Why, Katherine? Why are you like this?”
So now all this was about me. “How?”
“Fucking closed!”
I just chuckled. “You are really waiting for a deep explanation right? No Dylan, I have never suffered, not a day in my life. This is who I am, this is how you met me. I am just not willing to fit myself into the shape everyone wants of me. I don’t need to!” When I found the pain in his eyes, something broke in me. “And I’ve never been hurt, I don’t think I could survive it, so I won’t let anyone hurt me.” Yet, this is the second time this boy has broken your heart.
He came to me and grabbed one of my hands in his; when I tried to remove it, he grabbed it harder. “I don’t want to hurt you. I just want you to fight instead of run.”
My voice came low and insecure. “I have never fought for anything.”
His eyes burned in mine. “You just fight for what you want Katherine. The question is
, how much do you want me?” Am I worth the fight? The question was implied and his eyes were begging me for assurance.
I knew the answer, I had known it for a while. Days ago I had done the willing purpose of being with him. But I was hurt, I knew it wasn’t his fault, but I had worked my mind for hours, convincing myself of how he had hurt me. “This has been a really long day Dylan, we’ll talk tomorrow.”
Knowing the discussion was over he pulled me to my room. “What are you doing?” I yanked out of his reach.
“I am staying here. There’s no way I will let you distance yourself from me.” He took my face between his hands. “I am not letting you close me down. I’ll be damn if I let you build your walls again.”
Pushing his hands, I backed away from his arms. “I am not sleeping with you tonight.”
“Fair enough. But I am staying.” For the first time since I could remember, I didn’t know how to react to him. So I just nodded and walked away. Confusion invaded me, my head wanted something and my heart something else. In my world, my head always wins, but heart was putting up a damn good fight.
According to my usual habit, that night I made lists in my mind until I fell asleep. I listed the reasons why we were wrong for each other. How our flaws hurt the other, and why we couldn’t keep this thing between us. Yes, the “Lipstick Gate” was a misunderstanding, but it was just the little drop that made the whole cup explode.
Chapter 8
“Wake up doll.” The voice was so far, I must had been dreaming.
“Saturday, no work.” The incoherent mumble came out of my mouth, my own brain was trying to explain to myself that I didn’t have to wake up.
A pair of warm, soft lips touched mine. “I know, but I need you to get ready. Come on.”
I am pretty sure that in 49 states, it is not a crime to murder someone if they wake you up before 7 am on a Saturday. “What?” My brain couldn’t form a coherent question, but my “what the fuck” look said it all.
Trying to open my eyes I was hit by the blinding light. “The baby.” What the fuck! How long did I sleep? We have a baby now? I started sweating and my opened eyes. “Michelle is having the baby, the plane is waiting for us.”
My best friend’s uterus had the worst timing in the world. The last thing I wanted was to spend the weekend with Mr. Bastard, yes, he was Mr. Bastard again. As if yesterday I hadn’t sent him to hell, and as if we were the happiest couple on Earth, we had to fly to Chicago, where that little bitch was.
Stupid yes, but, have you ever been angry with someone because of a dream and when you wake up you are still upset, even when everything was just a dream? Well, that’s exactly how I was feeling. Even when he hadn’t cheated on me, in my heart the fact that I couldn’t trust him, was just equally disturbing.
“Sorry Dylan, I think you didn’t notice what happened yesterday. But no, I don’t want to travel with you when we are in this raw state.”
“Katherine,” he sat down on the corner of my bed, resting a hand over my leg, “I know you are still mad. And we’ll talk about this, I promise. But please, just let’s go, ok?”
Count to ten… There were not enough numbers to grow the humility and maturity that I needed for this. But it was Michelle’s baby, once again Marc and Michelle’s relationship was messing with me. “I need time.” I saw how the air left his body. “I need to pack and to get ready.”
Challenging the frozen wall that I had raised back up in the past 24 hours, he kissed me just on the corner of my lips. “Your bag is already packed, just get ready. And hurry, Marc was almost fainting.” I nodded and walked to my bathroom avoiding the weapons of mass destruction, also known as his eyes.
After getting dressed, without talking, I got into the SUV and avoided the blue stare before it could make me yield. I was lost in my thoughts when the car stopped and Dylan took my hand. “Where are we?” He made me get out of the car before answering.
Standing behind me, he pressed himself against my back, whispering in my ear. “I need to remind you of us. Of what we are.”
Listening to that I knew where we were. Our Bethesda Fountain. We walked and instead of taking his usual place in my lap, we both sat with our backs against the column. The only contact between us, his hand holding mine making small circles over my skin with his thumb. “I am sorry for not explaining to you about Tamara. I thought you weren’t going to believe me. I wasn’t even sure about telling you the truth.”
“We are so fucked up!” Adding to my mental list.
With his low laugh, he brought our entwined hands to his mouth and kissed my knuckles. “I had never had to give explanations before you, not even to my parents. I am sorry.”
That brought an entirely different matter to the table. “Dylan, what happened to them?”
Slowly, he let his body fall over my lap, assuming his usual place when we were in “our spot”. “I had never said that to anyone before. There’s not much more to say, it wasn’t an accident. The investigation said someone had messed with the helicopter’s engine.”
“Do you have any idea of who could have done it?” I was dying to pass my hand over his hair, but I was still uneasy around him.
He shook his head. “No, there were lots of people interested in their death. You know how it is, when that amount of money is involved, people become expendable.” Turning his head, he searched my eyes. “I learnt the hard way not to trust in people. If all this Tamara thing had happened before you, I probably wouldn’t have tolerated it for a second time. The first time my dad’s friends stole our company it was too much for me. I can’t stand betrayal. ”
My poor Blue Eyes, so strong and yet so vulnerable. “Why do you trust in me?”
His eyes smiled before his mouth. “Because you don’t give a damn. You have said it before, you don’t need anything from me.”
Fighting my anger, I passed my hand over his hair, smiled and raised my eyebrow playfully. “I could want you sperm, in case I ever want blue eyed, perfect babies.” Why? Why on earth would you say something that weird? Stupid no-filter brain! I wanted to lighten the mood, but it came out in the worst crazy way.
But instead of freaking out, Dylan just laughed, a deep, hard laugh. “I can give you that. Of course, in case I ever want dark hair, perfect babies.” And he winked. Don’t wink when I want to be angry at you Blue Eyes! You are killing me here. “I would give everything to stay in this place with you forever.” Foreve-what? “But we have to go. I am pretty sure Michelle is about to murder my best friend.”
I let him take me by my hand to the SUV, and remained silent during the trip. His thumb remained making those silly small circles on my skin as a reminder of his presence. We got to the airport, and as soon as we got on to the plane, he let his head rest on my shoulder and fell asleep. Apparently he was exhausted after a night on my couch. He deserved it!
“Dylan.” He hadn’t lost the contact between our hands since we left my apartment, and now we were in the hospital. As if this physical connection gave us the link we were missing. “Can we go back to New York as soon as we see the baby?” I have the mental age of a three-year-old and I hate this city.
“We can do anything you want, as long as we do it together.”Fuck! The uncertainty of being there left my body the moment we opened the door and found the perfect portrait of a family. A really swollen, red faced Michelle was lying in the bed, just next to Marc, holding a little baby.
“There you are!” Maternity really changes people, it was probably because of the pain pills, but Michelle’s voice sounded calmed, relaxed, and deep. Nothing like her hyperactive self. “Come meet your nephew!”
Marc couldn’t stop himself, he startled Dylan with a great bear hug. “I’m a dad, man, I’m a dad.” I heard him whisper and I found it to be the cutest display I had seen between them. “I named him Brian, after Brian Leetch!” Even with his emotional detachment issues, Berkeley couldn’t help but smile.
When Dylan came to me I whispered in his ear. “P
lease tell me he has a family member called Brian Leetch?”
“Don’t even ask. It is the same Brian Leetch you are thinking.” My dumb friend let that man name her baby boy after the former Rangers’ captain. “He was our favorite player.”
“You are not naming my kids after hockey players, Berkeley!” Where did that come from? Second time you’ve made baby references. Stupid hormones!
He just smirked and squeezed my hand in his. “Hold baby Brian, Katie.” Michelle broke our silence, and I awkwardly received the little baby cupcake that was being pushed to my arms. Wow! I was holding a beautiful, chubby, pink baby. I didn’t know how to do it properly, but it felt right.
I lost track of time holding the baby, taking him to the window. The sunlight would help me to analyze his tiny features. They were talking in the background, but the baby had my entire attention. “Ms. Katie, would you let Dylan hold him?” Without me noticing it, Marc was just behind me. And I probably had been lost in that little guy for a while by then.
“It’s ok, I don’t have to.” Yes you have to Blue Eyes! I was dying to see him with a baby. Hot guys look even hotter with babies or with cute puppies. Both were good options. Carefully I put baby Brian in his arms, and he held him as if he were made of crystal. Just what I had thought, the few moments that he carried the baby, I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I saw him whispering things to his tiny ears, as if they were already friends; and it made me stupidly happy.
Soon Chelsea and Spencer came to the room, and that was our cue to leave. It was not prudent to have a big party in the baby’s room. “But before you leave let’s take a picture of the guys with the baby!” Chelsea was really enthusiastic about it. The new boy on their team. The three of them looked mesmerized with the little baby, and we could just drool over them.
“I love you and I’m more proud of you than I could have ever imagined.” I whispered on my best friend’s ear when we were saying our goodbyes.
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